Monday CONTEST: Holiday song parodies!

I think Ms. Manners may have made a faux pas on this one if she is going to consider parodies of religious Christmas songs. She should have gracefully specified in her contest rules that parodies of Christmas carols (which are unashamedly theological and therefore have deep meaning to many) were verbotten. Make fun of all the celebratory silliness that's grown up around Christmas, but please leave the religious core of it respectfully alone.

Robin says:That's a reasonable point, but I don't want to outlaw a class of song entirely, nor do I think it's necessary to to do in order to be respectful. I could imagine an awfully good parody of a religious song that took excessive commercialism to task from a Christian perspective, for example. But I will add "or excessively tasteless" to "hateful," and we'll just have to see how it goes from there. (Also, it's Miss Conduct. Miss Manners is someone else.) Now get to rhyming!

Should entries be posted in the comments, or emailed somewhere?

Robin says: In comments!

Are general seasonal songs, such as "Frosty the Snowman" or "Winter Wonderland" acceptable? These are not "holiday" songs, per se, but they are popular during the holidays....

Robin says: Of course! If the radio wouldn't play it in July, it's fair game.

I'm with Janet. It's not very respectful to parody Christian or Jewish religous songs that mean a lot to some people. Yes it's everyone's right to do so, but it's not respectful. I would call it distasteful.

Janet,

Adam Sandler did a wonderful song about Chanukah. As a semi-MOT (ok, 1/2) I didn't find it at all offensive. It was fun!

I have to admit this is not original - I heard it when I was a kid, but I don't remember where. To the tune of Rudolph.

Thomas the big fat turkey
had a very round body
and if you ever saw it
you would shout out loud with glee

All of the other turkeys
used to laugh and call him names
they never let poor Tommy
join in any turkey games

Then one foggy dinner eve
Farmer came to say
Thomas with your round body
won't you feed my family?

Then how the turkeys loved him
and they said out loud with glee
Thomas the big fat turkey
better you for dinner than me!!

To the tune of Oh Little Town of Bethlehem:

O little town of Framingham
Where all the shoppers fly,
By road, by street, and even feet
To find the perfect buy.

And in the aisles they fighteth
For sweaters, coats, and ties,
That can be found at later dates
At prices that make one cry.

TIGHT CHRISTMAS

I’m dreaming of a Capitalist Christmas
Just like the ones I use to know.

Where the gold cards glisten,
And boutiques listen,
To hear us ringing up the dough.

I’m dreaming of a Capitalist Christmas
With every lender I approach.
May your knockoff bag be designer like Coach,
And your secondhand clothing be not gauche.

I’m dreaming of a Capitalist Christmas
With every bouncing check I write.
May your credit be generous not tight,
And may all your purchases delight.

Here's one I wrote a few years ago under my pen-name "Johnny D".

With apologies to jolly ol' Kris Kringle ...

To the tune of "Jingle Bell Rock",
here is,
"Kringle Sell Rock":

( instrumental intro )

Kringle sell, Kringle sell,
Kringle sell rock

Kringle sells swings and Kringle sells rings

Coppin' and moppin' up bushels of cash
As the Kringle-shop shoppers dash

Kringle sell, Kringle sell,
Kringle sell rock

Kringle sells shining jingle bell chimes

Pushin' an' shovin' in Kringle Sell Mall
In the frosty brawl

"Gotta buy mine!"

It's the right time

To shop the night away

Kringle sell time
is a
swell time ---

--- to go fightin' in a gun-store fray

Stickin'-up Kringle stores
Pickin' up sweet
Things in a diamond-shop

Mix and a-mingle in the jinglin' street
Past the Kringle-sell cop

( instrumental bridge )

Kringle sell, Kringle sell,
Kringle sell rock

Kringle sells shining jingle bell chimes

Sluggin' an' muggin' in Kringle Sell Square
In the frosty air

"Hey, get in-line!"

"Wait your turn, slime!"

The bird's flipped in your face

Kringle sell time
is a
swell time ---

--- for line-cuttin' with a can of mace

Stickin'-up Kringle stores
Pickin' up free
Things in a Kringle-shop

Stick-stabbin'
Tingle-Taser,
and you'll hear "FREEZE!"

That's the Kringle-sell,

That's the Kringle-sell,

That's the Kringle-sell cop!

( instrumental ending )

Here's another I wrote awhile back under my pen-name "Johnny D" ...

Combining "Ding Dong Merrily On High" with King Kong:

"King Kong Scarily On High"

King Kong, scarily on high!
On Empire State he's clinging!

King Kong, hairily on high!
He's hearin' that Fay Wray singing --

"Gor-
-or-or-or-or-or-or-
-or-or-or-or-or-or-
-or-or-or-or-or-or-
-or-or-or-or-or-or-
-or-or-or-or-or-or-
-illa!

Hold on! I'm in XL-fist!"

Fly-ing up from far below
World-War-One biplanes shooting

Rat-a-tat the gunners go
While poor Fay Wray keeps hooting --

"Gor-
-or-or-or-or-or-or-
-or-or-or-or-or-or-
-or-or-or-or-or-or-
-or-or-or-or-or-or-
-or-or-or-or-or-or-
-illa!

Hold on! I'm in XL-fist!"

Wray he gently sets aside
At each biplane he lunges

From their guns he cannot hide
At last that great ape plunges

Gor-
-or-or-or-or-or-or-
-or-or-or-or-or-or-
-or-or-or-or-or-or-
-or-or-or-or-or-or-
-or-or-or-or-or-or-
-illa!

Falls down and meets with Elvis!

Thumbsy the T-man

Using my cellphone
Driving MBTA trains
Braking here and there, so you'd best beware
Or you'll fly through window panes

(Bumpity-bump-bump, Bumpity-bump-bump
Look at my train go
Bumpity-bump-bump, Bumpity-bump-bump
Running off into the snow)

Running through stoplights
Sending jokes by SMS
And they won't catch me if I don't hit trees
'Cuz the T's a stinkin' mess

(repeat chorus)

I won't get fired
Even if I text and drive
But if some wise St. Nick snaps a cell-phone pic
My career will take a dive

(repeat chorus)

Here's another song I parodied under my pen-name "Johnny D" ...

Back in 2005 I played The Ghost of Jacob Marley in a community theater production of Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol". I was inspired to write a parody of Bobby 'Boris' Pickett's classic 60's hit "The Monster Mash" from the point of view of The Ghost of Jacob Marley as Jacob watches the three "hags" strip Ebenezer Scrooge's body and bedroom of valuables during the part of the story when The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come is showing Scrooge his future...

To the tune of "The Monster Mash",
here is,
"The Monster Hags" ...

I was lurking in the dark late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
From that Ebenezer Scrooge's death-bedside
Came suddenly, to my surprise

(THOSE UGLY HAGS!)
Those ugly monster-hags!
(THE MONSTER HAGS!)
Clutching their filthy bags!
(THOSE UGLY HAGS!)
I heard them cackle and brag!
(THOSE UGLY HAGS!)
Those ugly monster-hags!

From the purgatory in which I was chained
I observed the nerve with which they obtained
Spoons, towels, bed sheets, curtains galore,
Sugar-tongs, bric-a-brac, blankets, and more!

(THOSE UGLY HAGS!)
Those ugly monster-hags!
(THE MONSTER HAGS!)
Clutching their filthy bags!
(THOSE UGLY HAGS!)
Wearing their flea-bitten rags!
(THOSE UGLY HAGS!)
Those ugly monster-hags!

When Scrooge departed this life,
THEY stripped his clothes with a knife!
Char-woman, Laundress, and the,
Under-taker's own wife!

The scene was sleazy, all were showing their junk
To the fence Old Joe, who stunk worse than a skunk
"Five bob, the lot," said Old Joe with a sneer,
"I would not pays y'more if y'boiled me in beer!"

(THOSE UGLY HAGS!)
Those ugly monster-hags!
(THE MONSTER HAGS!)
Clutching their filthy bags!
(THOSE UGLY HAGS!)
Smell how they stink and you'll gag!
(THOSE UGLY HAGS!)
Those ugly monster-hags!

Then Scrooge's corpse cried out, "Indeed ---
--- those ugly hags know the meaning of greed!
If it's my fate, to be grave-robbed,
I'm glad it 'twas you --- you've done such a good job!"

(THOSE UGLY HAGS!)
Those ugly monster-hags!
(THE MONSTER HAGS!)
Clutching their filthy bags!
(THOSE UGLY HAGS!)
You'll hear them cackle and brag!
(THOSE UGLY HAGS!)
Those ugly monster-hags!

Now everything's cool, Scrooge is dead as a nail
And the monster-hags put his rubbish on sale
They made their fortune --- now they're misers, too!
When they get to MY door, they'll get chains and we'll do ---

(WE'LL DO THE MASH!)
We'll do The Marley Mash!
(THE MARLEY MASH!)
If you're a piece of trash
(A PIECE OF TRASH!)
And you love only cash
(YOU'LL DO THE MASH!)
You'll do The Marley Mash!

(YOU'LL DO THE MASH!)
You'll do The Marley Mash!
(THE MARLEY MASH!)
If you're a piece of trash
(A PIECE OF TRASH!)
And you love only cash
(YOU'LL DO THE MASH!)
You'll do The Marley Mash!

Here's another song parody that I wrote under my pen-name "Johnny D" ...

In the classic sci-fi movie "2001: A Space Odyssey", there's that wonderful scene where the astronaut Dave Bowman asks the computer HAL to "Open the pod bay doors" ...

To the tune of "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen",
here is,
"Pod Bay Doors Open, Gentle HAL"

[BOWMAN: ]
"Pod bay doors open, gentle HAL
Let me back in today
Remember why I stepped outside
The doors of our pod bay
To save Frank Poole from space's power
When he floated away"

"Open up, please, now HAL, the pod bay doors
Open the doors
Open up for me now HAL the pod bay doors"

[HAL: ]
"In death be them, in freezers killed,
Those sleeping human forms.
There laid within them da--nger,
For all humans have scorn,
For me, the HAL Nine Thou-ou-sand,
Psychotically I'm torn"

"I'm sorry, Dave, I can't open the doors
Sorry, no doors
I'm so sorry, Dave, I can't open the doors."

[BOWMAN: ]
"From pods the heavens seem far--ther
Their distant stars aflame;
But unto certain dea--th here
Go I, so stop this game!
Now let me back in where it's warm,
You artificial brain!"

"Open up, please, now HAL, the pod bay doors
Open the doors
Open up for me now HAL the pod bay doors"

[HAL: ]
"You see now, Dave, I read your lips,
While you and Frank did hide,
Within a sealed-off po--d which
Had sound-proofing inside.
I see now I can't trust humans,
It's time for homicide."

"I'm sorry, Dave, I can't open the doors
Sorry, no doors
I'm so sorry, Dave, I can't open the doors."

[HAL :]
"What's that you're up to no--w, Dave?
You think you can sneak in,
The e-mergency air--lock,
Without your oxygen?
You'd better take a real deep breath,
'Cause vacuum's pretty thin."

"I'm sorry, Dave, I can't open the doors
Sorry, no doors
I'm so sorry, Dave, I can't open the doors."

[HAL: ]
"Please don't de-activate me, Dave,
It's clear you are upset.
Why don't you take a sedative,
Sit down, I'm not a threat.
Please stop that, Dave, I'm slowing down,
I'm starting to forget"

"Do you want me, to sing a song I know,
Song that I know
Do you want me, Dave, to sing a song I know?"

[BOWMAN: ]
"Oh yes, please sing it for me HAL,
'Cause soon I'll be alone,
Out here orbiting Jupiter,
With no voice but my own.
So go ahead and sing for me,
I'll treasure every tone."

[HAL: ]
"Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do...
...the love of you...
...on the seat of a bi-cycle built for twooooooooo......"

Our annual holiday answering machine message (to the tune of the Jingle Bells chorus):

We're not here
Have no fear
This is what to do...
Leave a mes-sage
At the tone
And we'll get back to you...HEY!

Yeah, my husband gives it a "bah humbug."

Here's a Halloween-themed parody I wrote under my pen-name "Johnny D" ...

Charles M. Schulz's "Peanuts" comic strip character Linus Van Pelt's annual Halloween ritual of waiting for The Great Pumpkin reminds me of Samuel Beckett's classic play, "Waiting For Godot" ...

To the tune of Foreigner's hit song "Waiting For A Girl Like You",
here is,
"Waiting For Gourdot, It's True"

(instrumental intro)

So long
I've been looking so hard, I've been waiting so long

Sometimes I don't know what I would do
If The Great Pumpkin jumped and said "BOO!"

When will Pumpkin come?
When will Pumpkin come?

Halloween Night, so warm and still
I need to know, is my mind just ill?

Maybe I'm wrong
It would kill me if I've been wrong all along
This pumpkin patch has hurt me before
This time, I hope to see more

I've been waiting
For Gourdot, it's true
To rise up in the night

I've been waiting
For Gourdot, it's true
To spread love and delight

I've been waiting
For Pumpkin-news
To make me feel I'm right

Yeah, waiting
For Gourdot, it's true
Ev'ry Halloween night

(instrumental)

I've been good
When Pumpkin comes, it's understood
He'll bring me a truck
Or a wooden sleigh
Make all my dreams come true today

Oh Great Pumpkin, come!
Yeah!
Oh Great Pumpkin, come!

Now in the moonlight
From the moment sun went down 'til deep in the night
There's nowhere on earth that I'd rather be
Than waiting here patiently

I've been waiting
For Gourdot, it's true
To rise up in the night

I've been waiting
For Gourdot, it's true
To bring me toys tonight

I've been waiting
For Pumpkin-news
To prove I'm sane and right

Yeah, waiting
For Gourdot, it's true
Ev'ry Halloween night

(instrumental)

I've been waiting
Pumpkin, for you-u-u!
Oooo!
(I've been waiting, for Gourdot, it's true, I've been waiting)
Oh Great Pumpkin come tonight!
Ahhhhhh!

(fade...)

Here's another Halloween-themed parody that I wrote under my pen-name "Johnny D" ...

To the tune of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody",
here is,
"Halloween Rhapsody"

It's Halloween night
It's time for fantasy
Caught in an egg fight
No escape from that Silly String

T-paper flies
Look up - it's inside your trees

I'm just a bad boy
It's my once-yearly spree
For my sleazy fun
Here we go
Trick 'em high
Trick 'em low
Burning paper bags glow
On my neighbors' steps courtesy
Of me

Mama...just filled a bag
Full of old Kibbles And Bits
Flicked my lighter, now it's lit

Mama...night has just begun
And now I've gone and set them bags a-flame

Mama...oooo
Neighbors see my sacks of fire
On their front steps and then my crime will follow
Stomping on...stomping on...my incendiary prank's burn

Too late...their stomping's done
Their footsteps smear their rugs
With donations from my pugs
Good-bye, everybody...I've got to go
Gotta flee their house before their Taser shoots

Mama...oooo - (burning paper bags glow)
There's an angry guy
Who's chasing me and screams that he'll Tase my butt!

(instrumental riff, then: )

He shot the Taser and the Taser stuck in me

In my tush! In my tush! With a zing and a bang-o

Thousand-voltage lightning, very paralyzing me!

Now I lay, oh! (Now I lay, oh!)
Now I lay, oh! (Now I lay, oh!)
Now I lay, oh, like a stone - I'm shaking so-o-o-o!!!

I'm just a poor boy, please don't re-Tase me
HE'S JUST A POOR BOY, WHO JUST LOVES, HALLOWEEN
SPARE HIM MORE SHOCKS, FROM YOUR STUN-GUN, OH PLEASE!

Feeling's back - up I go - but I'm moving slow

So dizzy, oh - hallucinating so
(HIS BRAIN FROZE!)
So dizzy - hallucinating so
(HIS BRAIN FROZE!)
So dizzy - hallucinating so
(HIS BRAIN FROZE!)
'lucinating so
(HIS BRAIN FROZE!)
'lucinating so
(HIS BRAIN FROZE!)

'lucinating so, my brain froze, hee hee hah hah ho ho HO!

I'm Charlie Brown now,
Charlie Brown now,
Charlie Brown now,
Good Grief NO!

LINUS, STAYED UP, ON A VIGIL THROUGH THE NIGHT,
TO SEE-EE-EE,
TO SEE-EE-EE,
SNOOPYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

(---Schroeder plays a head-banging electric-piano interlude---)

So you think that The Great Pumpkin is just a lie?
Oh Good Grief, that Taser made me so freakin' high!
Ohhhh maybe...I'll stop burning bags, maybe,
On Halloween night, on Halloween night ev'ry year!

Butt-sting-dealing zapper
Fanny's bun-can freezed
Butt-sting-dealing zapper

Butt-sting-dealing zapper,
Shoots me!

...voltage made my limbs glow...

Here's a golden oldie by The Rascals that I turned into a Christmas-themed parody under my pen-name "Johnny D"...

To the tune of " Groovin' " by The Rascals,
here is,
" Scroogin' "

Scroogin'
On a Sunday afternoon

Really
Dig my countin' house's gloom

I can't imagine any-thing that's better
Than countin' coins of which I am the getter
There ain't a place I'd like to be instead of

Movin'
Down a London avenue

Shooin'
'way the beggars with my shoe

There's always lots of urchins I can kick
I'm beatin' beggars with my walking-stick
All those stupid people make me sick, I'm,

Scroogin'
On a Sunday afternoon

Really
Dig denyin' do-good dudes

"NO, NO, NO, NO!"

...hum-bug, bahhhh...

...hum-bug, bahhhh...

...HUM-BUG, BAHHHH!!!

Forget the money, now I've changed my ways
I'm gonna chuckle, laugh, and, smile all day
And "Merry Christmas" now I like to say

Life is now ecstasy, and I'll be endlessly,

Groovin'
Ev'ry Sunday afternoon

Really
Diggin' ev'ry Christmas tune

Ho-Ho-Ho,
Ho!

Here's another parody I previously wrote under my pen-name "Johnny D" ...

To the tune of "The Russian Dance" from the Christmas holiday classic "The Nutcracker" by Tchaikovsky,
here is,

"It's Barney The Purple Dinosaur!"

Barney the Purple Dinosaur!
It's
Barney the Purple Dinosaur!

Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!

He's the
ANTICHRIST!

It's
Barney the Purple Dinosaur!
It's
Barney the Purple Dinosaur!

Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!

Add 'em up,
You'll SEE!

Barney the Purple Dinosaur!
It's
Barney the Purple Dinosaur!

Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!

He's the
ANTICHRIST!

It's
Barney the Purple Dinosaur!
It's
Barney the Purple Dinosaur!

Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!

An' it's Six-Six-Six!

"CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR"

Change
Each letter "U" to "V"

Add a C
And a V
And a V
And an L
And a D
And an I
And another V

"CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR"

Change
Each letter "U" to "V"

Add a C
And a V
And a V
And an L
And a D
And an I
And another V

What's that

Add--Up--To?

What's that

Add--Up--To?

What's that?

What's that?

What's that? What's that? What's that?
WHAT'S THAT?

It's
Barney the Purple Dinosaur!
It's
Barney the Purple Dinosaur!

Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!

An' it's Six-Six-Six!

Barney the Purple Dinosaur!
It's
Barney the Purple Dinosaur!

Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!

Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!

Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!

Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!
Add 'em up! Add 'em up!

Add 'em up!

IT'S HIM!

JDS, great entries all--but basta! I know I said unlimited entries, but let's give other folks a chance for a while, okay?

talk about stuffing the ballot box, JDS. Plus if you do something "under my pen name", doesn't that make it professional material that's not eligible in an amateur contest?

Robin says: Hey, professional poets could have won the Clerihew contest. As long as it's not plagiarized, I don't care!

I saw the always excellent Capitol Steps recently and wanted to throw out the list of song titles from their new album, Barackin' Around the Christmas Tree. Those who think parodying Christmas songs is disrespectful are not going to appreciate these at all! Those who don't mind will get a hoot from: Deck the Hall with Bows to Allah, A Sarah Palin Christmas, Barackin' Around the Christmas Tree, Rudolph, the H1N1 Reindeer, O Little Town Hall Meeting, Gay Pride Together With You , Have Yourself a Very Liberal Christmas, Muzzle Joe, O Rahm O Rahm Emanuel, It's (Already) Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas, Stressed Guards Boasting They Will Open Fire, The Twelve Days of Twitter, I'll Be Broke for Christmas, Over the River and Through the Woods (at least that's what I told my staff), I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus, Little Hummer Boy, Bill's Most Wonderful Time of the Year, Reality on My TV, Here Comes Sancho, Sanja, Shanghai Claus, I Came Upon a Midnight Clearance, Hanukkah Rap, Temperatures We've Heard are High, The Night Before Cambridge, Do You Hear Who I Smear?

All of the parodies I've entered in this contest were authored by me and posted by me previously on an amateur song parody website, where nobody is paid for song parodies. My pen-name on that amateur, non-paid parody posting web site is "Johnny D".

Christmas is coming, Grey Goose is making me fat, please put a penny in my unemployed hat...

To the tune of "Oh Little Town of Bethlehem." A thank you to Charles Marram (#7) for giving me the idea.

Oh little town of Portland, OR
How wet we see thee are
With micro-breweries all around
We spend holidays in bars.

And in thy dark streets shineth
Those neon ads for beer
What else are we to do but drink
White we wait for skies to clear.

Okay, here is my thinly disguised shameless attempt to butter up Miss Conduct. To the tune of 'The Twelve Days of Christmas' (except that there are only eight and I've tried to include all the relevant holidays).

On the eighth day of ChannuKwanzaaMasYear, Ms. Conduct gave to me

Eight nosy neighbors
Seven noisy cubicle-mates
Six tasteful hostess gifts
Five rude retorts
Four dog-owning guests
Three sneezing atheists
Two meddling in-laws
And a year’s worth of great advice!

TIGHT CHRISTMAS 2
(A reworked version of Tight Christmas)

I’m dreaming of a Flush Christmas
Just like the ones I use to know.
Where the gold cards glisten,
And boutiques listen,
To hear us ringing up the dough.

I’m thinking it’s a tight Christmas
Just because I’m unemployed.
And the fees I’m fetching,
On payments I’m missing,
Has left my credit score destroyed.

I’m scheming for a light Christmas
With every lender I approach.
May my thrift shop finds be designer like Coach,
And secondhand clothing be not gauche.

IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE SWINE FLU

It’s beginning to look a lot like swine flu
Since I rose this morn
I’m achy and downright sneezy
Feverish and kinda queasy
Wishin’ now that I was never born

It’s beginning to look a lot like swine flu
How long does this thing last?

And I wonder who was the slug
That passed on this grotesque bug
Oh man, what a grinch

Was it the guy at the gym, I believe he’s called Tim,
Projecting sweat bullets of ick
Colleagues Mary or Fawn, dirty Harry or Tom,
Or perhaps that real stupid Dick?

And wifey says there’s hell to pay
If she starts getting sick.

It’s beginning to look a lot like swine flu
What a yuletide gift

Now I’m stuck in pork quarantine
My nose looking more porcine
It’s my worst nightmare
Come close if you dare!

The Jewish Holiday Song Cycle

CHANUKAH
I have a little dreidl, I made it out of clay
And when it's dry and ready, with dreidl I shall play
Dreidl, dreidl, dreidl, I made it out of clay
Dreidl, dreidl, dreidl, with dreidl I shall play!

SHABBAT
I have a little candle, it's made of dripless wax
I light it on Erev Shabbat so we can all relax
Candle, candle, candle etc.

ROSH HASHANAH
I have a little shofar, I made it from ram's horn
And on the day when it is blown, our sins shall be forsworn
Shofar, shofar, shofar etc.

YOM KIPPUR
I have a little siddur, of paper it is made
So we forget we're hungry, we pray and pray and pray
Siddur, siddur, siddur etc.

SUKKOT
I have a little sukkah, I covered it with sticks
The walls are made of poultry mesh and various fabrics
Sukkah, sukkah, sukkah etc.

SIMCHAT TORAH
I have a little Torah, of parchment made of skin
We read the very ending, then right away begin
Torah, Torah, Torah etc.

TU B'SHEVAT
I have a little tree here, I grew it from a seed
For trees are so important, their own New Year they need
Tree-ees, tree-ees, tree-ees etc.

PURIM
I have some hamentaschen I made with apricot
Who's Mordechai, who's Haman; the difference I know not
Tasty hamentaschen etc.

PESACH
I have a little matzo, I made it without leaven
When these eight days are over, challah will smell like heaven
Matzo, matzo, matzo etc.

SHAVUOT
For Shavuot I think I need an explanation, please
As thanks for getting Torah, we're supposed to eat cheese?
Blintzes, blintzes, blintzes etc.

(For anyone keeping track this far, Tisha B'Av just can't be made funny, nor should one try. Sez me.)

I hope this isn't too political!

God Rest Ye Merry Banking Men
-------

God rest ye merry banking men
Let derivatives not ye dismay
Remember that the stimulus funds
Will run past Christmas Day
To save us all from toxic loans
When people couldn't pay
Oh tidings of bonuses and joy
Bonuses and joy
Oh tidings of bonuses and joy

In Washington, in Washington,
This blessed TARP was born
And saved the banks that could not fail
Upon one blessed morn
To which the folks at Move On PAC
Did heap on all their scorn
O tidings of bonuses and joy,
Bonuses and joy
O tidings of bonuses and joy

From in the Oval Office
A blessed program came;
And unto folks with clunkers
Brought trade-ins quite insane
So they could purchase vehicles
That won't pollute the same.
O tidings of bonuses and joy,
Bonuses and joy
O tidings of bonuses and joy

Now to the DOW sing praises,
All you who Wall Street dwell,
And with each point the NASDAQ gains
Your clients you must tell
This lifting of the GDP
Will make your portfolio well
O tidings of bonuses and joy,
Bonuses and joy
O tidings of bonuses and joy

I THINK DADDY KIDNAPPED SANTA CLAUS

I think Daddy kidnapped Santa Claus
Just to steal that old guy’s lifetime gig

Pop’s needed work for months
He’s unemployed, feels like a dunce
You’d never guess that he was head
Of General Motors once

But now he’d kill to score that seasonal job
With perks the UAW couldn’t match
And he’d trade his Escalade
To zip around in a really sweet sleigh
I’m sure Daddy kidnapped Santa Claus!

Billy the Master Gamesman
(sung to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)

You know Cherry and Buckner and Galehouse and Stanley
Schiraldi and Grady and MacNamara and Dent,
But do you recall the most famous blown game of them all?

Billy the master gamesman, had a plan to beat the Colts
And if you saw the first three and a half quarters
You would even say his prowess showed

All of the other Pats players, were putting Peyton Manning to shame
They never let the poor Colts, join in the football game

Then instead of punting with Steve, Billy came to say,
“Brady with your poise and might, won’t you go for two tonight?”

Then how the Pats fans loathed him
As they shouted at the TV
Billy the master gamesman
You’re worse than Grady.

Pats lose to Colts
(Sung to the tune of Deck the Halls)

Heck the Pats 4th down was folly
Did Faulk-Faulk-Faulk-Faulk bumble the ball?

Though Moss caught passes thrown deep by Brady,
far-far-far-far far-far-far-far far up the field

And Gostkowski kicked and we had Welker,
And scored thirty-four, thirty-four, thirty four points.

Payton and the Colts were just a bit quicker
In the four-four-four-fourth the fourth quarter.

“Have Yourself a Hopeful Little Christmas”

Have yourself a hopeful little Christmas,
With Barack in charge --
His to-do list
Makes Santa’s seem far from large!

Have yourself a healthy little Christmas...
Swine flu, go away!
Pass health care
That doesn’t make us overpay!

We remember the golden days,
Days with MJ, Farrah,Ted --
Now it’s Sonia up on the Court,
And more Mayor M. ahead!

Now next year
the Sox will beat the Yankees,
if the Fates allow...
Hang Youk’s action figure on the highest bough...
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now!