Monday question: Potluck freeloaders

Wow! They mow your lawn for free? No one goes away hungry? I'd say they've done their share and they're not "freeloaders"! They "give" to the greater pot, just not in the way that most people do.

It's hard to "reframe" these things, but try practicing gratitude rather than resentment towards these kind souls. Best of luck with this.

Unless you speak to them, (usually her) and privately of course, they may not understand the breach of expectations. Conversation and understanding is a two way street. Could be they are not socially outgoing. Could be that they just see freebies available. I have known both. The takers can be tactless and aggressive. Start by inviting her over then bring up the subject. The fact that your grass is cut at times suggests that they are open to neighborly assistance. The degree is open to debate.

I agree with Liz. People who bring a dish 4 out of 7 times plus mow your lawn for free do not seem like "freeloaders" to me.

I'd also like to add that it is not clear from your letter how you invite and handle the potluck organization. Do you simply say, "Come by for a potluck" and hope you get enough food to feed the crowd? If so, then I would not be surprised that sometimes some people come empty-handed -- that sort of invitation does not make clear that you expect everyone to "pay" for their attendance with a dish. Especially if there is no need to RSVP, that sort of invitation just does not scream "dish required." Some people, such as your neighbors, may think the point is to socialize, not to bring a dish.

If you think everyone needs to bring a dish in order to attend, frankly you should say so. You can do so politely: when you invite someone, just ask him/her what they would like to bring; tell them you'd like to know so that you can make sure there will be enough food for everyone and so that you can fill in any gaps beforehand. That should make your expectation clear.

Unless you are doing something for them in return for the lawnmowing, I think the least you can do is stop being petty about them not bringing food to your potluck. In fact, I think you should chat with them next time the party comes around, and when the party comes up in conversation, mention that it's such a huge gift that they mow your lawn for you, and you hope that the least you can do in return is to have them come to the party and enjoy themselves and not have to worry about bringing anything.

They mow your lawn for free?? And you're grudging them a bag of bagels?
Oy.

If the whole thing makes you that cranky - dissing the "culinarily challenged" who bring bagels and cream cheese (what is wrong with that? is this a juried bake-off?) - then don't do it. Wow, I would hate to be one of your neighbors, thinking that I was going to a fun block party and not knowing that the hosts are cataloguing and critiquing my contributions. Certainly, I would not be mowing your lawn any more.

I suggest that you contact a landscaping company to find out how much they'd charge to mow your lawn all season.

Then, subtract the estimated cost of the 3 casseroles you calculate that they owe you.

You will see, dear, that you are by far the richer in this exchange -- in bartering terms anyway. You are poverty-stricken in goodwill, gratitude, and hospitality.

If you really feel that they should bring something upon principle alone- next year call everyone before the potluck and ask if they are coming and what they are bringing. As jlen suggested, you can frame it as you want to make sure there'll be enough or that you wanted to do dessert and was checking if anyone else was, too.

I don't get the whole lawn-mowing thing. Clearly you feel the lawn-mowing and the potluck are mutually exclusive or you wouldn't be asking the question. My stepdad uses his snow-blower to clear the neighbor's driveway for free. But if he ever went to a potluck, I'm 100% positive that he & my mother would bring something, they always do.

I pay $35 everytime the lawn service comes and mows my lawn and it comes out to several hundred dollars every summer. When I go to a potluck I spend about $10 on ingredients for a dessert or casserole. Who is the freeloader here? I am flabbergasted that this is even an issue for someone.

Please do your blood pressure a favor. Separate the trivial matter of one potluck a year from the significant matter of many lawnmowings. The only fair exchange for summer yardwork is a full winter of shovelling their sidewalks. NOT a potluck.

FIRST AND FOREMOST offer to pay what you can for the lawnmowing. Students were desperate this summer and fall for just such income.

AFTER you have done your duty THEN phrase the potluck question in the following manner: when issuing the invitation, ask guests to tell you which kind of dish they plan to bring (veg, main, sweet).

Maybe you should buy and hand out a few fundraiser-type cookbooks as holiday gifts if you want to upgrade the quality of donations coming into your house.

I agree with pinkkittie and Irene that, if you *really* can't get over the missing food, you can phrase the invite with a request for some. Try rehearsing it in your head: "Oh, 'Marge', that [eggplant casserole] you brought once was so divine, do you think you could do that again?"

Can you actually remember something that they brought in a previous year, and was it good/special enough to warrant a special request for a repeat performance? If not, maybe you are being just a little petty.

Labor day weekend this year I went to a big all-weekend campout on a friend's property. Two couples didn't show up until the last day with vague excuses of other plans. They later confessed that they didn't come for the first two days because they were both recently unemployed and didn't have enough money to bring a dish to pass for the 40+ people attending. They didn't want to "freeload". Everyone else was in agreement that we would MUCH rather have had their company than their dinner rolls. We had more than enough food for everyone, whether or not they brought something. It sounds like you do too. What we didn't have was enough drummers for the bonfire and drum circle, where we particularly missed the husband and his djembe! :-)

You said: "Maybe my expectations are too high, but my idea of an annual potluck is that it's a chance to get together, meet the new families, catch up on the gossip, and share something of and from yourself with your neighbors."

I'm wondering how exactly their not bringing food runs contrary to that idea? They are bringing themselves, their stories, their conversations, to share with others. They are there, meeting the new families, catching up with the gossip, etc. They obviously spend the summer sharing something from themselves with their neighbors, by mowing lawns and probably doing other little favors for others.

It would be one thing if this was something that was irking several neighbors, and it was becoming a divisional issue. You didn't say specifically in the letter, but it sounds more like a personal irk. If it IS creating drama in the neighborhood, or it really bothers you, how about next year you approach it directly? You could say something along the lines of, "Hey neighbor! If you don't already have a dish planned for the neighborhood potluck next weekend, would you be willing to pick up a few bottles of soda? It would really be a big help to me." (or napkins, or paper plates, or plasticware, or cups, etc. Things you can get in the dollar store). Be willing to accept it if they say they can't, and decide whether you really prefer their company, or their mashed potatoes.

If someone mowed MY lawn every week, I would have them over for dinner more often! What a nice neighborly thing to do! And you complain that they didn't pick up a $5 pastry....I hope the stop mowing your lawn and move in next door to me! I'd invite them over regularly!

If the idea is to balance the "favors" here, I don't see that mowing the lawn should count. The host of the potluck dinner is contributing [at least] the venue for the enjoyment of the neighborhood and the guests are all contributing something to eat for everyone. The guest owes the contribution to the other guests, not specifically to the host. Maybe host should give the "freeloaders" a couple of bottles of wine the next time the lawn is mowed and suggest they bring wine to the potluck dinner.

Dear LW, Seriously? I agree with the commenters who say that the neighbours mowing your lawn are already doing you a favour. This is a non-issue really. If it's bothering you that they're not bringing something to the potluck, ASK them nicely to bring something. Sheesh.

I just need to add:

I am not a good cook. When I go to a pot-luck, I usually bring take-out chicken wings or bakery-store goodies.

If I ever found out that a hostess was criticizing my contribution because it wasn't homemade, I would laugh at her pettiness. And not go to her party ever again.

I am with all the posters who are, frankly, a little horrified at LW. Or as Ethel so succinctly put it: Sheesh.

But I want to address the nitpicking of comment #14 - "If the idea is to balance the "favors" here, I don't see that mowing the lawn should count. The host of the potluck dinner is contributing [at least] the venue for the enjoyment of the neighborhood and the guests are all contributing something to eat for everyone. The guest owes the contribution to the other guests, not specifically to the host." You are right, of course. But let's get back to the balancing of favors. If indeed LW enjoys free lawn mowing all summer, a service worth hundreds of dollars, then for Pete’s sake, LW can contribute a potluck item on behalf of the neighbors! And dkb50’s proposed solution, the subterfuge of giving them wine to bring, is just odd. Give them a bottle of wine for their own enjoyment, LW, and as thanks for being such generous neighbors. And decide, without making a fuss over it, to buy extra bagels and consider them the neighbors’ contribution to the potluck, as your own private thanks to them for all they do for you.

LW’s description of the potluck vision is quite lovely. “…it's a chance to get together, meet the new families, catch up on the gossip, and share something of and from yourself with your neighbors.” I don’t see that vision including an accounting ledger, where material contributions are balanced against one another and some are found lacking. Is a casserole really the price of admission? Is that really the vision here?

Sheesh.

dkb50 brings up an interesting perspective.

LW, most people don't really notice who brings what to a potluck, even when they're hosting it. No, they open the door, welcome their guests, and direct them to place main dishes here and desserts there. Then they offer a drink or direct them to the place where drinks are being served. That's it. And the only time the issue of who brought what comes up is if a dish is particularly delicious ("who brought this yummy pomegranate and walnut dip?") or nasty (scraping the better part of a 13 by 9 foil pan of chicken casserole into the trash when the party is over). The fact that you actually pay attention to such trivial details as which guests bring store bought bagels and which ones make homemade dishes tells me you're not really cut out to be the type of host that casual potlucks demand.

So I'd scrap the idea and just have dinner parties where you can control the menu and the guests from now on. And I'd offer to pay the neighbor for mowing your lawn. I think both of those things would satisfy your sense of propriety and your sense of fairness.

I think you should just let your grass grow high enough to hide in so that no one could see you for the in-great that you are....I mean: REALLY!!

Who is the Taker??