Response to "Potluck freeloaders"
We had general and overwhelming agreement that last Monday's LW who was bothered by a "freeloader" at a neighborhood potluck (who mowed the LW's lawn for no charge) needed to get a life. Ashley put it amusingly:
The fact that you actually pay attention to such trivial details as which guests bring store bought bagels and which ones make homemade dishes tells me you're not really cut out to be the type of host that casual potlucks demand.So I'd scrap the idea and just have dinner parties where you can control the menu and the guests from now on. And I'd offer to pay the neighbor for mowing your lawn. I think both of those things would satisfy your sense of propriety and your sense of fairness.
Nicely solved. Jlen pointed out that invitations are not always clear:
I'd also like to add that it is not clear from your letter how you invite and handle the potluck organization. Do you simply say, "Come by for a potluck" and hope you get enough food to feed the crowd? If so, then I would not be surprised that sometimes some people come empty-handed -- that sort of invitation does not make clear that you expect everyone to "pay" for their attendance with a dish. Especially if there is no need to RSVP, that sort of invitation just does not scream "dish required." Some people, such as your neighbors, may think the point is to socialize, not to bring a dish.
If you think everyone needs to bring a dish in order to attend, frankly you should say so. You can do so politely: when you invite someone, just ask him/her what they would like to bring; tell them you'd like to know so that you can make sure there will be enough food for everyone and so that you can fill in any gaps beforehand. That should make your expectation clear.
Guests need to RSVP, bring appropriate hospitality gifts, etc., but it's also up to hosts to communicate clearly what kind of event is going on and what is expected. We can expect people to be polite, but we can't ask them to be mindreaders.
JoGeek posted a story about some friends who weren't willing to be "freeloaders" when perhaps they should have been. This reminded me of the column I did a few weeks ago about the person who didn't want to attend a holiday party they couldn't reciprocate:
Labor day weekend this year I went to a big all-weekend campout on a friend's property. Two couples didn't show up until the last day with vague excuses of other plans. They later confessed that they didn't come for the first two days because they were both recently unemployed and didn't have enough money to bring a dish to pass for the 40+ people attending. They didn't want to "freeload". Everyone else was in agreement that we would MUCH rather have had their company than their dinner rolls. We had more than enough food for everyone, whether or not they brought something.
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Who is Miss Conduct?
Robin Abrahams writes the weekly "Miss Conduct" column for The Boston Globe Magazine. Robin, who has a PhD in psychology from Boston University, has worked as a theater publicist, organizational-change communications manager, editor, stand-up comedian, and professor of psychology and English. She lives in Cambridge with her husband, Marc Abrahams, founder of the Ig Nobel Prizes, which are given annually for achievements that first make people laugh and then make them think.
Potluck means many things to many people. We had a fellow staff member who decided he would clean out his refrigerator and bring these previously ripe vegetables and fruits to share with his colleagues.He wondered why few if any ever invited him again,or why he should be included in any future gatherings.However, cheapskates abound in this great nation,and the all you can eat buffet attracts the worst in people.