Response to "Too-friendly boss"

More than almost any other kind, I think workplace-related questions tend to make people project their own situations on to the letter-writers' dilemmas. Last Thursday's question about a boss who has started to intrude on his employees' lunch hour was no exception. Interpretations of the situation varied from "Probably people have overheard your group letting off steam about your boss in the company cafeteria and have gotten back to him about it" (stilllearning's firstie, though others agreed) to "Your boss is a dunce" (Q) to "he's smarter than you" (allthekingsmen).

Overwhelmingly, there was agreement that "Talking about your boss in a public place like the company cafeteria isn't the smartest career move you could make, anyway," as anita dryly put it. Couldn't have said it better myself. A good deal of the debate among commenters focused on what the nature of "talking about your boss" was, exactly. As NancyG pointed out:

Although the LW described it as gossip, I don't think s/he's talking about the kind of malicious gossip about people's personal lives that can be so destructive in a workplace. I think what she's talking about is the normal talking about work and the people there that is critical for bonding. There is a big difference both in tone and in appropriateness. To complain about an assignment, or the new HR director, or the boss's new marketing strategy to one's co-workers is appropriate; to discuss your boss's affair (and the personality failings that led to it) is not.

None of us really know what the LW and his/her colleagues are dishing over their reheated curry, but NancyG's analysis of the appropriateness of workplace gossip is right on. Jlen was also sympathetic to the lunching subordinates:

Yes, the LW should not be gossiping at the work place. But getting hung up on that single issue obscures the main point: when the LW cannot get a break from the boss, she/he feels as if she/he hasn't had a break at all. Even if LW cuts out the gossip and wants to talk about purely personal things or light topics such as movies and books, having the boss there might be a drain. The LW just can't get away, and needs to.

Perhaps so, and I'm sympathetic, too, but work is work, and sometimes, part of your job is pretending to socialize normally. (Welcome to office-party season, by the way.) As AnonCommenter put it:

If you truly need downtime during your workday, go for a walk, go to a restaurant, take a lunchtime yoga class, go to a park with your sandwich or sit in your car and play solitaire on your personal laptop. If you need to vent about work, do it off premises and after hours. Don't expect downtime sitting in the company cafeteria in the middle of the workday. If you're enjoying your sandwich and oreos on company property, sit at a big table and be ready to welcome anyone who will join you: your coworkers, your boss, and gasp! even people from other departments. You might be surprised how building relationships outside of your clique will help improve your work environment, and maybe decrease your need to vent. Also, being more welcoming at the lunch table will mean a larger, more varied group day-to-day, so if one day you and your small group of friends need to sneak off for a griping session at the 99, your boss might not even notice.

This, I think, is the most practical solution. I know it sounds like some godawful motivational poster, but many difficulties in the workplace really are opportunities – or at least, can be turned into them by a motivated and strategic worker. Bah humbug took this line of reasoning as well:

The boss is making a mistake, but it's one that could play to your advantage in the long run: the more human you are to him, the harder it will be to lay you off. Take this opportunity to close the distance gap and become more than a easy-to-lay-off, faceless worker drone to him.

A few people suggested approaching the boss nicely and explaining that employees need their time alone. This strikes me as an unwise idea, except in Erwot's scenario:

I would delicately, and in private, have a word with your boss. Just say that it can sometimes be a bit awkward to have the boss present on your brief time off, and that it's nothing personal against him. He may not realize that he's putting you and your colleagues in a tough position. Some bosses sort of need to be reminded that they are, indeed, the boss, and therefore not necessarily able to fulfill the buddy role with their co-workers, even if they want to.

If the boss is newly promoted, or generally doesn't seem to quite grasp his "boss-ness," and the LW has a close relationship with him, a little upward mentoring might not be a bad idea. But that pre-supposes a lot of conditions (none of which are mentioned in the original letter, which I point out not to chide Erwot but as evidence of how much these workplace questions seem to invite projection and imagination!). Otherwise, save your griping for after-work drinks and apps at TGIF or Applebee's – apparently, they need the business.