Perspective and heroism
Between the Thanksgiving holiday week, and a holiday-prompted recurrence of my "sick," I haven't checked my Miss Conduct e-mail for a few weeks. I did last night, and found, to my horror and astonishment and unspeakable gratitude and admiration, this e-mail from a reader whom I've corresponded with in the past (I've removed a few details to protect her privacy):
My husband and I have just suffered the most terrible loss--our beautiful daughter was killed in an accident [recently]. I'm writing today with a suggestion for people who find themselves standing in the "I wish there was something I could do" place, as have hundred of our friends and coworkers. Send a note or letter to the parents/spouse/lover/family of the deceased and share a story about yourself and the one who died. I actually asked people to do this during my eulogy. It gives them "something to do" that is useful and helpful... it allows them to expend some energy in a way they see will be helpful to me. It's better than food or flowers, which are consumed or fade, leaving me with nothing.I am already being flooded with wonderful stories, some long and others just a few lines, about an adventure of other memory the writer shared with my daughter. These stories delight me, make me roar with laughter, and others move me to tears. Each is special and each gives me something to hold that is a treasure I can't explain.
So, my friend Robin, perhaps in this time of absolutely miserable grief I can give a hand to others who will follow my in grief. I didn't write today seeking sympathy, instead to share what I hope will be gifts to others.
My God. My God. Let's take a moment to breathe, and be grateful. For what we have. For extraordinary, extraordinary everyday heroes like this woman, who have the grace and courage to think of others at a time when no one on earth would blame her for the worst solipsism.
I am speechless and awestruck. When the in-laws get you down, when you think you're going to scream if you hear "Grandma Got Run over by a Reindeer" one more time, when the stress of the season outweighs its joys ... perspective.
And heroism.
Light a candle.
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Welcome to Miss Conduct’s blog, a place where the popular Boston Globe Magazine columnist Robin Abrahams and her readers share etiquette tips, unravel social conundrums, and gossip about social behavior in pop culture and the news. Have a question of your own? Ask Robin using this form or by emailing her at missconduct@globe.com.
Who is Miss Conduct?
Robin Abrahamswrites the weekly "Miss Conduct" column for The Boston Globe Magazine and is the author of Miss Conduct's Mind over Manners. Robin has a PhD in psychology from Boston University and also works as a research associate at Harvard Business School. Her column is informed by her experience as a theater publicist, organizational-change communications manager, editor, stand-up comedian, and professor of psychology and English. She lives in Cambridge with her husband Marc Abrahams, the founder of the Ig Nobel Prizes, and their socially challenged but charismatic dog, Milo.
