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Response to "Playmates & pit bulls"
Monday's question was from a mother whose 10-year-old daughter felt somewhat pestered by a 5-year-old next door. This letter had quite a few issues: for one, it was a little hard to understand if it was actually the older child, or the LW, who wanted the relationship to end, because of the unclear syntax. Also, the younger child's family had a pit bull, "a breed of dog my husband and I do not allow [the older child] to be around," according to the LW, and this to some extent clouded the issue.
The pit bull ban is remarkably stupid and short-sighted, and not likely to protect the kid at all even if pit bulls were more dangerous than other dogs. Children should be taught the signs of danger, not the corollaries of danger. Tell your kid that she can't be around pitbulls and she's going to take away not only the message that pitbulls are a menace, but that other breeds aren't. The fact is, all dogs can bite, and all dog bites can do damage. If you want your child to be safe around dogs, you teach them proper dog etiquette and how to recognize a dog's aggressive intentions. Crude profiling techniques don't keep individuals safer; paying attention to what individuals (dogs and humans) are doing, and developing a good sense of intuition, do.
I think the pit bull ban affected the way readers, including myself, took the overall tone of the letter. JustQ wrote:
I don't really understand why it was relevant to bring up the dog here, and now that the LW has, I (like many others) cannot get past it. It made me look at the word choices very carefully - the 10 year old is "afraid" to go outside, because she might encounter a 5 year old neighbor? There is nothing to suggest that the neighbor is in any way threatening or a bully. All I can see here is a parent that has taught her daughter to be "afraid" of all kinds of things, rather than teaching her real life skills about how to deal with other people's pets (regardless of breed) or old playmates.Stop teaching your daughter that hiding in fear is a life skill.
That last sentence, JustQ? Stopped me in my tracks. I wish I'd written it, and I don't say that very often. Really, good work, and the rest of you, take a minute to revel in that line and ask yourself if it applies in any way to how you life your own life.
As far as the overall situation goes, I liked AnonCommenter's take:
The kids in my neighborhood play together often, and they're a mixed age group ranging from 5-teens. The teens supervise and organize games for the younger ones, and everyone seems to have fun. I think that loose, mixed age, kid-organized play is one of the best ways for them to learn how to get along with others in the great big world. It can be a good way for them to learn how to negotiate, how to lead and follow, and to practice accommodation, compassion, inclusion -- not bad things at all. (And though my neighborhood kids are often noisy, and sometimes seem like a living obstacle course when I?m driving down our dead-end street, it's a joy to see kids playing outside, instead of draped by the TV or hanging around the mall.)That being said, there are times when the older ones split off and do their own thing, and that's appropriate too. But take a deep breath: this is an overeager 5 year old and a puppy we're talking about here, not the neighbors from hell. This is a good opportunity for you to teach strategies to your daughter for how to nicely but firmly set boundaries with others. ("Sorry, Maddy, I can't play right now") That's a skill that will serve her well for the rest of her life. Have her give it a try, but if, after a week or two, it's not working, you may want to reinforce her efforts ...
Exactly. Let kids handle situations on their own, but do scaffold them. I'm not a fan of bashing on "helicopter parents," but adults shouldn't run interference in their kids' social lives too much. Allowing kids to bully or be bullied is one thing, and I'm not saying there's an easy way to decide when to intervene and when not to. But hurt feelings and awkward moments are the social equivalents of skinned knees, and kids need them to learn.
Still, mchz made an awfully good point:
I used to be the Kelli in this situation when I was younger and my uncle thought that because I was so nice to my cousin "Susie" that meant he could bring her over all the time and have me play/babysit her for free. It was really hard for me to escape this situation as I loved my cousin and didn't want to be mean to her, but I wanted to socialize with people my own age. It would have been a lot easier if my parents had helped me out and said something to my uncle for me.
Right. It does sound possible that it isn't only the younger child who is a bit of a pest, but that her parents are actively encouraging her to get out of the house and bother someone else so they can deal with their two-year-old, infant, and new pit bull. (And when it's put like that, I can't blame them for a minute, actually.) In which case, a word or two with the parents would be in order.
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About Miss Conduct
Welcome to Miss Conduct’s blog, a place where the popular Boston Globe Magazine columnist Robin Abrahams and her readers share etiquette tips, unravel social conundrums, and gossip about social behavior in pop culture and the news. Have a question of your own? Ask Robin using this form or by emailing her at missconduct@globe.com.
Welcome to Miss Conduct’s blog, a place where the popular Boston Globe Magazine columnist Robin Abrahams and her readers share etiquette tips, unravel social conundrums, and gossip about social behavior in pop culture and the news. Have a question of your own? Ask Robin using this form or by emailing her at missconduct@globe.com.
contributor
Robin Abrahamswrites the weekly "Miss Conduct" column for The Boston Globe Magazine and is the author of Miss Conduct's Mind over Manners. Robin has a PhD in psychology from Boston University and also works as a research associate at Harvard Business School. Her column is informed by her experience as a theater publicist, organizational-change communications manager, editor, stand-up comedian, and professor of psychology and English. She lives in Cambridge with her husband Marc Abrahams, the founder of the Ig Nobel Prizes, and their socially challenged but charismatic dog, Milo.
Who is Miss Conduct?
Robin Abrahamswrites the weekly "Miss Conduct" column for The Boston Globe Magazine and is the author of Miss Conduct's Mind over Manners. Robin has a PhD in psychology from Boston University and also works as a research associate at Harvard Business School. Her column is informed by her experience as a theater publicist, organizational-change communications manager, editor, stand-up comedian, and professor of psychology and English. She lives in Cambridge with her husband Marc Abrahams, the founder of the Ig Nobel Prizes, and their socially challenged but charismatic dog, Milo.
