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Response to "Parents & politics"
Monday's question was a frustrating one, as was the technical glitch that accompanied it. Sorry about that, readers! The LW didn't want to discuss politics with his father, who was becoming increasingly extremist and blowhardy. I think there are three related questions here, which I'm going to cheesily designate as "topic, tone, and technology."
Let's start with technology first. The LW's parents are out-of-state, which means that most interactions are probably happening by phone. Phone calls between friends can be lovely, but this is because we choose our friends. With people we love but didn't get to hand-pick, it's often much nicer to be together in person, tossing a ball around the backyard or going through old photos or baking cookies, all in companionable silence. You can't be together with someone on the phone without talking, and that can be a problem.
I wonder if there is any way for the LW to reduce the amount of phone time spent with Mom & Dad, and interact in other ways instead. The more time the LW can spend in non-verbal interaction with your parents, the better. Friendly competition in "Words with Friends"? Swapping audiobooks? Sharing ideas for home-improvement projects on Pinterest?
As far as "tone" is concerned, I think the LW is entirely within his right to ask his parents (or anyone) not to use abusive or degrading language. Or, for that matter, to stop filibustering endlessly. I'd advise drawing the line in the sand here: "You can talk about politics all you want, although you realize I'm not especially interested. But if you start bullying and ranting, I'm going to hang up." When the hectoring tone starts to creep in, warn, "This is what I mean by bullying and ranting." If Mom or Dad (or anyone) keeps going after that, hang up.
By focusing on "tone," the LW disarms the problem of "topic," since he's not forbidding anyone to talk about anything.
Many of you were a little unclear how much the LW had already asserted himself. I couldn't tell either, and I have to wonder if he hasn't quite made his point of view known out of fear that it would be ignored. What if it turns out his parents love Bill O'Reilly more than they love the LW? I thought Rinue summarized the situation beautifully:
Etiquette is not magic; "please" does not automatically open closed doors. The letter writer (who I'll call a him this time around since I used "her" last time) regularly has conversations with his father that he finds deeply unpleasant, both because he has no way to participate in them (since he doesn't agree or want to argue) and because he is morally opposed to the values his father supports (which are characterized as intolerant things he CANNOT STOMACH). He has told his father as much.If "stop it - you are hurting and scaring me" isn't listened to, it's not because you need to find the special lockbreaking way to say it. This is a relationship in which one person regularly and knowingly hurts the other person, and seems to enjoy doing so. There's not really a good solution that makes everybody happy. The letter writer isn't interested in cutting ties. What's left is other forms of disengagement to minimize the damage.
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About Miss Conduct
Welcome to Miss Conduct’s blog, a place where the popular Boston Globe Magazine columnist Robin Abrahams and her readers share etiquette tips, unravel social conundrums, and gossip about social behavior in pop culture and the news. Have a question of your own? Ask Robin using this form or by emailing her at missconduct@globe.com.
Welcome to Miss Conduct’s blog, a place where the popular Boston Globe Magazine columnist Robin Abrahams and her readers share etiquette tips, unravel social conundrums, and gossip about social behavior in pop culture and the news. Have a question of your own? Ask Robin using this form or by emailing her at missconduct@globe.com.
contributor
Robin Abrahamswrites the weekly "Miss Conduct" column for The Boston Globe Magazine and is the author of Miss Conduct's Mind over Manners. Robin has a PhD in psychology from Boston University and also works as a research associate at Harvard Business School. Her column is informed by her experience as a theater publicist, organizational-change communications manager, editor, stand-up comedian, and professor of psychology and English. She lives in Cambridge with her husband Marc Abrahams, the founder of the Ig Nobel Prizes, and their socially challenged but charismatic dog, Milo.
Who is Miss Conduct?
Robin Abrahamswrites the weekly "Miss Conduct" column for The Boston Globe Magazine and is the author of Miss Conduct's Mind over Manners. Robin has a PhD in psychology from Boston University and also works as a research associate at Harvard Business School. Her column is informed by her experience as a theater publicist, organizational-change communications manager, editor, stand-up comedian, and professor of psychology and English. She lives in Cambridge with her husband Marc Abrahams, the founder of the Ig Nobel Prizes, and their socially challenged but charismatic dog, Milo.
