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Response to "The Bad Sister"
Monday's question was from an LW whose sister-in-law's undisciplined preschoolers threatened to ruin her 100-person open house. Advice converged on the generally understood principle of "your house, your rules," which I endorse. The corollary to this as applied to other people's children -- the Corralling Corollary, if you will -- is that you can't discipline other people's kids, but you can defend your person and property from them, and enforce house rules.
Nice principle, how do we enact it?
The most immediate problem is the open house. Many folks suggested getting a babysitter, or pressing one of the older kids into the role. (Depending on the family dynamics and the personalities, asking the older kids to take one for the team/offering to pay them to work the party could either be a perfectly fine solution, or it could fuel all kinds of resentments and other problems. LW's call.)
I think an engineering solution is definitely what the LW needs here, and I wonder what kind of infrastructure the open house already has. Does she have a food/beverage manager? Caterers? How many other children will there be? Does she have activities planned for them, or are they expected to stand about making small talk about Bob the Builder and Montessori v. Waldorf while munching canapés and drinking mimosas from sippy cups?
Even without family tsuris, a person hosting a party with a three-digit guest list would be well advised to either keep kids off the invitation list entirely, or make sure that they have an indestructible area and activities to keep them occupied.
Katemc had a couple of particularly excellent, specific suggestions:
After the party, if there is one tiny single thing that you can praise and thank them for after the fact, that could help you all have expectations for future behavior in your house--"oh that open house was nutty!, but when you showed up with extra crayons, that really helped keep the kids playing so nicely!!"In the meantime, child-proof the heck out of that open house. Don't put food you don't want mauled on low tables, because it is hard for kids to pass by stuff when they're hungry, or eat it daintily once they've got their hands on/in it. Put carrots on the coffee table and chips at the back corner of the high tables.
fastenyourseatbelts wrote:
I would lavish all the children with attention, love and cuddles when they arrive, even putting cardboard crowns on their heads, and then I would show them to "their special club for kids ONLY!" I think when attention is handed to them on a silver platter it takes them off their game and distracts them from their normal behavior patterns . . .Another thing you can do is set up time-consuming, quiet activities that have "prizes" upon completion. Such as every time someone wins at Candyland, they get a "Candyland Champion Award." Or whoever draws the most pictures of their favorite things gets the "Artist of the Day Award." It always surprises me how competitive children can be, so of course make sure everyone gets an "Extraordinary Effort Award." This sounds like a lot of work, but you'll be surprised how much fun everyone has. I set up a scavenger hunt for the kids years ago that everyone still remembers and talks about fondly.
If my dog Milo has taught me anything, it's that you can only redirect the energy. As nice as it would be to simply turn the dial back on hyperactive children, gift-proffering grandparents, overeager employees, and the like, it doesn't work that way. You can only channel their energies into harmless (or if you're a real ninja at it, helpful) pursuits.
And, as fastenyourseatbelts writes, this takes work and preparation. But that's the price for staying -- if not in control, at least on top of the wave.
econ suggested speaking directly to the kids:
When the family arrives, kneel down so you are at eye level with the children, and tell them you are glad to see them and you want to go over the house rules so they will know what to expect. Use a very calm and warm voice. Then set the boundaries...no going upstairs or in the bedrooms; these are the toys you can play with /activities you can use while you're here; ask for food, don't grab or touch; say please and thank you; use inside voices, etc. Say that if they can't manage these boundaries they'll have to have a time out. Again, tell them you're glad to see them. Ask them to repeat back what you said. Then, enjoy the party, and reinforce the boundaries as needed.
I like the respect that this shows to the children. Unfortunately, if the kids' parents are really that awful, it would probably lead them to be resentful.
For a longer-term fix, goodnightloon wrote a brilliant comment:
I have direct experience with this situation.They will never attempt to parent their children at your house. They see these events as a time for them to relax and most likely have a fantasy that "the village" is taking care of their children for them.Because you are worried about a specific event, I would also recommend a babysitter. Instruct the babysitter that his or her main job is to run herd on these two kids. Other children are nice to involve but the main priority is to keep these kids corralled. I want to emphasize that this babysitting foray should be a one time thing and don't repeat it.I also want to urge you to be very clear with BSIL about what your needs are vis-a-vis their children. In the future when one of the kids is coloring on the walls, take the crayons away, get a magic eraser and hand it to your SIL or BIL and tell them to please clean up the child's mess. If a child breaks something, bring the child and the broken object to BSIL and inform them that so and so broke this and unfortunately she will need to sit with BSIL or in a time out. Keep bringing the child BACK TO the parent when these incidents happen. Don't discipline the kids anymore. Put it to the parents. That way they can't ignore the situations any longer and coming to your house and sitting on their butts will no longer be the free babysitting situation that they've come to expect.
Finally, last words go to Lululette for this wise warning:
I think when you address the behavior of the children in whatever way you choose (guided by the great comments thus far), you need to be careful that you don't mix it up with your resentment of your bad SIL even though the two issues are linked in your mind. You can probably find a solution to help manage these kids' bad behavior in your house, but you probably CAN'T find a way to dissolve this unfair family dynamic that most likely predates your marriage by decades. It is very risky to get involved in the interrelationships of your in-laws, even with your husband on your side.
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About Miss Conduct
Welcome to Miss Conduct’s blog, a place where the popular Boston Globe Magazine columnist Robin Abrahams and her readers share etiquette tips, unravel social conundrums, and gossip about social behavior in pop culture and the news. Have a question of your own? Ask Robin using this form or by emailing her at missconduct@globe.com.
Welcome to Miss Conduct’s blog, a place where the popular Boston Globe Magazine columnist Robin Abrahams and her readers share etiquette tips, unravel social conundrums, and gossip about social behavior in pop culture and the news. Have a question of your own? Ask Robin using this form or by emailing her at missconduct@globe.com.
contributor
Robin Abrahamswrites the weekly "Miss Conduct" column for The Boston Globe Magazine and is the author of Miss Conduct's Mind over Manners. Robin has a PhD in psychology from Boston University and also works as a research associate at Harvard Business School. Her column is informed by her experience as a theater publicist, organizational-change communications manager, editor, stand-up comedian, and professor of psychology and English. She lives in Cambridge with her husband Marc Abrahams, the founder of the Ig Nobel Prizes, and their socially challenged but charismatic dog, Milo.
Who is Miss Conduct?
Robin Abrahamswrites the weekly "Miss Conduct" column for The Boston Globe Magazine and is the author of Miss Conduct's Mind over Manners. Robin has a PhD in psychology from Boston University and also works as a research associate at Harvard Business School. Her column is informed by her experience as a theater publicist, organizational-change communications manager, editor, stand-up comedian, and professor of psychology and English. She lives in Cambridge with her husband Marc Abrahams, the founder of the Ig Nobel Prizes, and their socially challenged but charismatic dog, Milo.
