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Response to "My Klingon Roomie"
So! Last Monday's question. About the passive-aggressive, hair-trigger, verbally abusive roommate who was still a really great guy, you know?
I think the LW should move. Life is too short to live with jerks, unless you absolutely have to, and the Klingon Housemate is definitely a jerk, and a bully. And while learning how to deal with bullies is an important life skill, do you want to have to do that in your own home? It's nice to at least be earning a paycheck while you figure that one out.
It's possible the LW can't move, of course, or at least not right away. But this is never stated, and I've learned you might as well bring up the obvious solution, because it might not be obvious to everyone. And maybe the LW is one of those self-denying or excessively quantitative or socially damaged people who needs permission to leave off living with a bully. If so, LW dear, you have it. From all of us.
If moving isn't in the cards, Silverwing wrote a good summary of "Non-Violent Communication" at the beginning of the thread, a technique that the LW might try to adopt. bluemoose suggested metacommunication, which might work:
If it were me -- I hate confrontation, but hate the stress of tiptoeing around someone else's issues with communication more -- I would approach him directly with something along the lines of: "Roommate, we live together, and sometimes I will need to address issues with you. In the past, you've been rather aggressive and dismissive, which is unacceptable. How would you like me to address these issues in a way that will allow you to respond more productively?" The way I see it, confrontation is a one time (BIG) stressor, which is healthier than the ongoing stress of living with someone you can't talk to.
Markus, supporting the suggestion of Non-Violent Communication, made an astute observation:
The housemate's actions are not those of an alpha dog securely perched at the top of the den. Instead, they suggest that he feels--rightly or wrongly--nagged, ignored and lacking control over his environment.
I don't think dens have tops, exactly, and I've never seen a dog perched on anything that looked secure, but otherwise this is dead-on. For whatever reason, the roommate does seem to feel persecuted. And the worst conflicts to resolve are those between two parties who both feel they are the victim.
Finally, ash wrote:
Please don't insult Klingons! They may be aggressive, but they do have a code of honor.
An excellent point. It's possible that the LW will discover their roommate's "code" and peace will be restored. But in situations such as these, retreat is also honorable, though it may be expensive.
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About Miss Conduct
Welcome to Miss Conduct’s blog, a place where the popular Boston Globe Magazine columnist Robin Abrahams and her readers share etiquette tips, unravel social conundrums, and gossip about social behavior in pop culture and the news. Have a question of your own? Ask Robin using this form or by emailing her at missconduct@globe.com.
Welcome to Miss Conduct’s blog, a place where the popular Boston Globe Magazine columnist Robin Abrahams and her readers share etiquette tips, unravel social conundrums, and gossip about social behavior in pop culture and the news. Have a question of your own? Ask Robin using this form or by emailing her at missconduct@globe.com.
contributor
Robin Abrahamswrites the weekly "Miss Conduct" column for The Boston Globe Magazine and is the author of Miss Conduct's Mind over Manners. Robin has a PhD in psychology from Boston University and also works as a research associate at Harvard Business School. Her column is informed by her experience as a theater publicist, organizational-change communications manager, editor, stand-up comedian, and professor of psychology and English. She lives in Cambridge with her husband Marc Abrahams, the founder of the Ig Nobel Prizes, and their socially challenged but charismatic dog, Milo.
Who is Miss Conduct?
Robin Abrahamswrites the weekly "Miss Conduct" column for The Boston Globe Magazine and is the author of Miss Conduct's Mind over Manners. Robin has a PhD in psychology from Boston University and also works as a research associate at Harvard Business School. Her column is informed by her experience as a theater publicist, organizational-change communications manager, editor, stand-up comedian, and professor of psychology and English. She lives in Cambridge with her husband Marc Abrahams, the founder of the Ig Nobel Prizes, and their socially challenged but charismatic dog, Milo.
