Same-sex couples face unique adoption hurdles
Waiting, worrying, diapers, and sleep deprivation -- the story of adoption is much the same for gay, lesbian, or straight couples. Yet same-sex parents also experience headaches and obstacles that heterosexuals don't when they adopt, from widespread discrimination to having their capability as parents questioned by their own family.
Adoption hasn't been easy for gay and lesbian couples, even before Catholic Charities' decided this month to pull out of its core mission rather than consider same-sex applicants. At least 10 states are now considering joining Florida, Utah, and Mississippi in effectively banning or restricting gay adoptions, which make up roughly 3 percent of annual adoptions in Massachusetts.
Still, an atmosphere of retrenchment distracts from a wider truth -- more same-sex couples are raising children than ever before. What was once unheard of is now a fact of life. Forty percent of same-sex couples aged 22 to 55 are raising children, about 5 percent of whom are adopted, according to the Williams Project, a UCLA Law School think tank. If you include children born in once-heterosexual marriages, raised by single parents and parents of all ages, up to 10 million children are estimated to have a lesbian or gay parent.
"The reality is that families come in all shapes and sizes," said Beth Teper, executive director of Colage, a San Francisco-based advocacy group for children with gay and lesbian parents. "Our families are much more diverse than the 'one mom, one dad, 2.5 children' model."
Nevertheless, same-sex couples hoping to adopt face a plethora of challenges, beginning with the question of how much to hide. Many agencies or social workers are reluctant to work with them, prompting some to hide their relationship or have one partner adopt solo. Attorney Jonathan Book and teacher Corey Clifford of Brookline decided they wanted to be open because they didn't want to raise a child who eventually would learn "all the lies we had to tell in order to become his parent," Clifford said.
Their honesty limited their choices.
At an adoption fair, agency workers at numerous booths asked the couple, who are married, "Where are your wives?" as they approached for information.
Ultimately, they found a sympathetic social worker who helped them in 2003 bring home their infant son Emmett, now 2 years old.
In many ways, the adoption process and subsequent parenting years crystallize the discomfort and dilemmas facing those who may not be completely "out" at work, in their community, or to their families, said Bev Baccelli, who runs Southeastern Adoption Services, a Marion-based agency that specializes in helping samesex couples. Yet as difficult as it is, she advises them to be as open as possible.
"There is no place in the closet for them if they're going to be parents," said Baccelli. "If you want your child to grow up to love both of his mothers or fathers, you have to show him that this is a family that deserves respect."
Once a baby comes home, same-sex couples more often turn to friends than family for support, according to researchers at the University of Houston-Clear Lake.
Despite 30 years of studies showing that sexual orientation doesn't affect quality of parenting, close relatives often are skeptical, said Abbie Goldberg, an assistant professor of psychology at Clark University, who is studying same-sex couples' transitions to adoptive parenthood.
Tanya and Sharon Dillard of Hull received strong support from both friends and family when they adopted their children Emma, 6, and Sam, 2. But they chose to move here from their home state of Oklahoma in early 2005 so they could marry and Tanya, a stay-athome mother, could easily coadopt the children.
Massachusetts was one of the first states to allow children of same-sex couples to have two legal parents.
Finding a place of tolerance inspired their move, too. Researchers debate whether children of gays and lesbians get teased more than other children with differences, but it's clear that many do get teased or harassed. In addition, more than 60 percent of gay families reportedly have a negative experience related to their homosexuality, according to a research review compiled by the Center for Adoption Research at the University of Massachusetts Medical School in Worcester.
In Oklahoma, people stared when Emma called both Tanya and Sharon "Mom," and one adoption judge refused to consider their case.
"Emma would come home from school saying, 'The kids told me I was lying and I can't have two moms'," said Sharon Dillard, an oncology nurse specialist at South Shore Hospital. "It was very different there."
Maggie Jackson's Balancing Acts column appears every other week.
She can be reached at maggie.jackson@att.net. 