Ads? There were ads? Patriot Nation might not have noticed. This year, after all, there was a game to watch - and to discuss during brief interruptions.
But let's be kind to American commerce: Since these fine companies spent some $2.7 million a pop for 30 seconds of our attention, it seemed our solemn obligation to give them a look. And maybe it was just the chili cheese dip talking, but the ads seemed to get more psychedelic - hence, more entertaining - as the game went on.
There were lizards dancing to Michael Jackson songs, pop stars flying through the air, giant mice beating up small men, Napoleon speeding through Paris with the help of a GPS.
It wasn't all in good taste, but corporations, take heart: You usually made us look.
With a few notable exceptions (a group of teeth-baring badgers in a bad-taste Toyota spot, plus every promo for Fox's "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles"), this crop of ads seemed less full-on violent than in years past. We learned a bit about celebrities: Charles Barkley is a comedian, and Justin Timberlake has an inner stunt man. We learned that animals can be good actors, too. And we learned that the most memorable ads could be the simplest ones. Here are some examples from the feverish first half:
Under Armour: The future is ours
So apparently, we now want fascists to sell us shoes. Upstart sneaker brand Under Armour gives us a slick, high-concept 60-second spot with celebrity athletes, super-tough training regimens, and a sneaker demagogue, leading the masses into a new, non-Nike future. Under Armour stock fell when word came out that the company had bought a Super Bowl ad. But hey, it's political season. Maybe the people will be receptive.
Bud Light: serious cheese
Leave it to the beer folks to give us new tales of the triumph of lowbrow guys. In this installment, a guy walks into an austere cocktail party with an enormous hunk of cheese. "Dude," says a friend. "That's some serious cheese." Then our hero lifts his prize to reveal a six-pack of Bud Light. Just the thing to impress the ladies! There's also a Trojan baguette, a Trojan Chablis, and a new catch phrase for the Bud-lovers: "Going on a cheese run."
Diet Pepsi Max: What is love?
To the strains of Haddaway's "What is Love," everyone falls asleep. A guy at a diner. A worker in a bobblehead factory. A game show contestant. A dad at a swingset. Joe Buck, in the middle of a telecast. What do they need? A soft drink with caffeine and ginseng! And once they have it, they're happily head-bopping like the guys on the old "SNL" sketch. The best part: a cameo from Chris Kattan, from the original sketch, shouting, "Stop it!" Whatever happened to him, anyway?
Gatorade: Derek Jeter
America's Shortstop walks through town in a trench coat, and everywhere he steps, a baseball field follows. The graphics are lovely, but it's a little self-serious until Peyton Manning and Bill Parcells show up with some comic relief.
FedEx: carrier pigeons
FedEx pulls out the doomsday-cinema special effects for this one, about a business that uses carrier pigeons equipped with night vision and GPS - plus giant, genetically engineered pigeons to carry the heavy loads. Turns out, they're wreaking havoc on New York. (Is that what "Cloverfield" is all about?) It was big, bold, and almost as funny as it was meant to be.
Tide to Go: talking stain
See? You don't need an assault of graphics to cut through the clutter - just a really good idea. In this one, the job candidate blathers on and on. But the coffee stain on his shirt is talking, too - only louder, and in some strange language. It works beautifully, but I'm already nervous about a potential spinoff: a dental floss commercial with a talking piece of parsley, stuck in someone's teeth.
Careerbuilder.com: Follow your heart
Because, you know, it might pop out of your chest, clamber over your keyboard, run over to your boorish boss, and hold up a little sign that says, "I quit." Except that you wouldn't be able to search for another job since you'd be, you know, dead. Nice try, Careerbuilder.com. But just because you can do fancy graphics doesn't mean you should.
Yukon Hybrid: Sisyphus
At my Super Bowl confab, the room was captivated by a stark, black-and-white animation of Sisyphus pushing a rock up a hill. What inspiring national figure was goading us to greatness? What was holding us back from our full potential? Then the screen flashed "Yukon Hybrid from GMC" and a groan went up. Sure, this was lofty language for cars - even socially conscious hybrids. But guess what? Everyone paid attention.
Planters Cashews: "Can't Take My Eyes off of You"
A hideous woman with a unibrow travels through the city, and men just can't stop looking at her. Lots of pratfalls, a good look at her enormous, hairy mole, and finally, a glimpse at her secret: Before leaving home, she smears herself with the scent of Planters Cashews. It was the classic Super Bowl ad: weird, funny, and just mean enough to work.
Joanna Weiss can be reached at weiss@globe.com. For more on TV, go to viewerdiscretion.net.
