Sometimes being direct works best

Q. I flew to an important business meeting that was supposed to be one-on-one with a woman who was to give me training in how to do a certain function of my new executive position. She was very nice and a good communicator. A man who is of equal rank with me was there. Because he's someone with whom I'll have to work closely from now on, I didn't want to start off on an unfriendly foot.

Unfortunately, he interrupted the three-hour session to the point that I only had about 15 minutes of quality time with the woman. She and I each repeatedly said, "We have to get back on track here. The reason for this visit is for. . . ." We could not get the man to leave us alone. He spoke slowly and meandered on and on. What else could we have done or said? In looking back, I wonder if I should have said "Let's take a break" and then moved to a "hidden location" where he couldn't have found us.

D.M., Nashville

A. Either Mr. Clueless didn't hear what you were saying or he simply refused to do what you asked. I prefer to think he didn't hear because perception, or more accurately misperception, is usually the problem, not out-and-out rudeness. Unfortunately, it sounds as if he didn't recognize the hints you made as actual requests to leave you alone. When you said, "We have to get on track here . . ." he may not have realized that you actually meant, "We need to talk in private. Please leave us alone."

Good communication finds a balance between getting a message across accurately, while being tactful; being honest, while being considerate and respectful. That means sticking to the message and not making characterizations about the messenger; being very clear about a request, and not just hinting at it.

Instead of the blunt "John, I mean it. Leave now," you could say, "John, Nancy and I have some work we have to do privately for the next three hours. Would you mind leaving us now so we can get it done? I'll catch up with you later."

And then ask John directly, "Will you do that now for us?"

Make him acknowledge and respond to your request to leave you alone. By letting him know you'll catch up with him later, you also offer him an opportunity when you can and will talk with him.

Once you ask the direct question of him, if he still refuses to leave you alone, then you and your coach should simply excuse yourselves, leave him, and find a place where you can close the door and continue your work in private.

Peter Post is the great-grandson of manners guru Emily Post and is the director of the Emily Post Institute in Burlington, Vt.