Couples' finances, upfront and personal
IT HAPPENS EVERY SPRING, the annual ritual I imagine, based on a predictable poignant sample from hundreds of couples whose divorces I have mediated since 1979. Call it ''plunk and whisk."
The husband plunks down the federal and Massachusetts income tax returns in front of the wife, hands her a pen, and shows her where to sign.
She may ask a question or two, which he answers as best as he can. She then signs her name and he whisks the returns away. He mails them on time and files a copy at the office, with the accountant, or in his files at home. There is no further discussion of the subject for months, probably 12.
Now that we file electronically, the same pattern may express itself in a different form. Since more than 50 million joint federal income tax returns are filed each year in some fashion, no one can conceive the many variations of plunk and whisk.
Though keeping financial information secret from the other is destructive, couples can change this bad habit more effectively than other harmful ones, such as excessive alcohol, affairs treated dishonestly, disrespect, or violence. This effort is worth attempting, particularly now when many are thinking about 2005 returns and may be ready to try a more collaborative approach.
Changing from a closed system to a more open one is not easy, but in a marriage the improvements are worth the work. Marriages are more likely to benefit from exchanging information of all sorts than from concealing it. Many divorcing couples seem to have failed on this fundamental point, sometimes quite innocently. Maybe the man is too controlling, and the woman got tired of asking for information, and lost interest. Or the husband laments that his efforts to involve her in the family finances failed because she was never interested.
When couples are discussing divorce or separation or even changing the terms of their marriage, and complete financial disclosure is vital to the process as well as required by law, the wife may suddenly become much more interested in how much money he makes and where he has put it all.
This change on her part can lead to a complete shift of a basic power imbalance in their relationship. Thus there may emerge hope for their marriage, even if they need skilled help to define new and more equal terms.
In ''Divorce Busting," Michele Weiner-Davis describes how the changes made by one spouse inevitably change the marriage itself. What would happen in the plunk-and-whisk scenario if the wife informs her husband a week or so in advance of filing that she wants a copy of the proposed joint returns to look at and discuss with him?
Women live longer than men and earn less money than men. These two facts suggest grim financial futures for many women, particularly when they have been raised to depend on men for their financial security and feel they do not know how to learn about finances.
Fortunately, many financial institutions, financial planners, marriage and divorce specialists, and others are addressing the need in a growing trend to help women to become more financially adept. For example, Smith College recently established a Women's Financial Education Program.
In 2000, about 37,000 couples got married in Massachusetts; during the same year about 19,000 were divorced. Our marriage/divorce ratio should be better than that, and a good place to start is how the two of you prepare this year's joint returns.
My wife adds, ''Everyone likes to be cared for, but we can never take for granted the loyalty of the caretaker. So it behooves us all, male and female, to share financial burdens and knowledge, along with all the other tribulations and triumphs of marriage."
John A. Fiske is a lawyer and family mediator in Cambridge. 
