Afraid you'll never have enough? A cold accounting can ease the fear

The online discussions I host give me an opportunity to see the financial issues that trouble people the most. Often, what I find are people racked with fear.

And the fear isn't just displayed by folks deeply in debt. Some money worriers are people who are doing everything right - saving, living within their means, investing - and yet they fret about finances. For example, one chat participant wrote:

"My husband and I are federal employees who make a decent salary, about $140,000 combined per year. I save 15 percent of my salary in the Thrift Savings Plan (a government retirement plan), hubby saves 10 percent. We have about $15,000 set aside for our toddler son's education and contribute another $150 a month to a 529 plan for him."

She and her husband invest another $150 per month in a mutual fund they've designated for retirement. They have a town house with a small mortgage that they rent out while living overseas.

"We have no debts other than the mortgage and, while we've been overseas, we've been able to save an additional $30,000 a year," she said.

I can imagine what some of you are thinking. What does this woman have to worry about? Here's what:

"Even though I know that we are financially stable, I worry all the time about money because my parents poorly managed their money and I worry that I'll end up like them," she wrote.

"They have minimal savings, health problems, and are likely to run out of money in their retirement. Hubby's family was also bad with money. Every purchase - even a routine one - makes me worry if I shouldn't save more. How do I stop viewing money as a ticking time bomb about to blow up in my face?"

The timing on this question gives me the chance to recommend again "The Financial Wisdom of Ebenezer Scrooge." In this book the authors, two psychologists and a financial planner, talk about the "money scripts" we all have that are based on long-held beliefs, typically implanted in our childhoods.

Look at this woman's money script: "My parents were poor money managers and I may be just like them" and "You can't ever save enough to feel secure."

She rehearses these lines so often it has become her reality, despite the obvious contradiction with her current situation.

If you have a lifelong fear that you will never be financially secure enough, even though you're saving and investing well, you've got to flip the script. You can change your lines. As an adult, it's time to let go of that fear.

And here's one way. If you haven't done this already, use the end of the year to update your net worth statement (or do one for the first time). You calculate your net worth by adding up your assets and subtracting your liabilities.

On the asset side you list, among other things, any cash, the value of investments, and most importantly your home. For your home, put down the approximate fair market value.

On the liabilities, include such things as your mortgage, any home equity loan, car note, student loans, and outstanding credit card balances.

The goal is to own substantially more than you owe.

You should update your net worth statement at least annually because it's a snapshot of the current value of your holdings. Keep in mind that the market value of your assets can change, as many homeowners have found during the current mortgage crisis. Some assumed the value of their homes would always go up. They were wrong, of course.

Home values in many parts of the country have declined, leaving some borrowers owing more on their homes than the current market values. That has resulted in a negative net worth for some.

If it helps to compare your progress with others, the average net worth of US families increased 12 percent between 2003 and 2005, according to a University of Michigan study. In constant 2005 dollars, overall average net worth rose to $309,600 from $275,600 - including home equity.

Since this is the season to count blessings, if you're worrying about your wealth, think about those who have less.

Michelle Singletary is a columnist for The Washington Post. She can be reached at singletarym@washpost.com.