Check it out: inspection tips

My track record for getting my car inspected on time isn't great. Often months after my sticker has expired, I slither into the gas station, hoping the guy cuts me a break.

This year, I'm proud to say, was different. Though I had until the end of January to renew, I brought my car in the first week of the month. Good news is, I was on time. Bad news is, my car failed.

As I write this, my Chevy's in the shop, getting a $300 brake job. Sayonara, Christmas bonus.

Good brakes are a necessity, of course. But what else must your car have to pass inspection? Or, depending on how beat-up your jalopy is, what problems can you legally get away with?

First, a warning: This topic is gigantic. The main section on vehicle equipment standards in Massachusetts General Law is more than 2,500 words long, or about the length of an entire month of "Who Taught YOU to Drive" columns. So, for now, we'll stick to inspection basics. (We'll cover more confusing stuff, such as tricked-out lighting and wacky paint jobs, next week.)

On a Thursday afternoon, I pulled my 2002 Chevy Tahoe into Mass Inspection on Mystic Avenue in Somerville, which describes itself as the largest inspection station in the state.

It took technician Francisco Duverge about 30 seconds to discover my rear brakes were failing and my two front hazard lights were out, both unacceptable.

Giorgio Petruzziello, the shop's owner, next pointed to my windshield, which had both my 2005 and my 2006 inspection stickers on it. "You're not supposed to have two stickers on any vehicle windshield," he said, adding that even residential parking stickers are NOT supposed to be affixed to a windshield.

"Why didn't the guy I went to last year tell me that?" I asked.

"He didn't pay attention," Petruzziello said.

I had come to the right place this year, though, he assured me. Spotting my wiper blades, he wagged his finger.

"You need a new wiper," he said, pointing to a rubber edge that had begun to peel from the blade. "This is a failure."

You could fail my whole car over an $8 wiper blade, I asked?

"Yeah. It's a reject," he said.

I inquired about nicks or cracks in the windshield, knowing I had a few.

"Anything less than 2 inches is passable. Any crack or bull's-eye," Petruzziello said.

But what if the crack is right in the driver's eyes, I asked?

"Anything less than 2 inches, it's still allowed," he repeated.

I questioned him about that annoying "Check Engine" light. (If it's on during your inspection, you fail.) And whether you need side mirrors. (Amazingly, no. Just a rearview mirror.) And whether dents in your car matter. (They're OK so long as there are no sharp edges or protruding metal, your light fixtures are intact, and nothing impinges on the opening of doors, the trunk , or the hood.)

"You're supposed to have two license plates," Duverge piped in, eyeing my bumpers. "But you have a green plate," he said, referring to the color of the lettering, "so you only have one. "

I was confused.

"In Massachusetts we have two kinds of plates," Petruzziello explained. "The green plate, like the one you have, and then they have a red plate. The red plate comes in a pair of two plates and they both have to be on the vehicle. If the two plates are not on the vehicle we are not even allowed to bring the car in. We have to stop them right outside and turn the vehicle away."

I asked why I had a green plate.

"Your plate must be one of the old plates," Petruzziello answered, guessing I'd owned it at least 15 years. "Once you turn it in you'll get a red plate."

I was told that every two years a car needs an emissions test -- actually, only cars built since 1983 do -- and as luck would have it, mine was due. Duverge hooked up his Registry-linked computer to a diagnostic port I'd never noticed under my steering wheel and began punching keyboard buttons.

"The computer in your car is going to send the information to our computer," he explained.

"So, you trust my computer?" I joked.

"If there's a problem there, it will tell us," he said.

As we waited for the results , the two men rattled off more enlightening facts. Inspectors have no authority to punish you for an expired inspection sticker, even if you show up months late. (Good to know.) If your car originally came with side windows, they can't be missing -- i.e., no cardboard or plastic coverings. But side windows aren't required to go up or down.

Superficial rust is fine, but you can't have a hole in the car body, excluding a tire well. Your side mirrors, if you have them, can't be damaged. "If they're cracked, you're better off taking them off," Duverge said.

Bumpers? Not required.

"As long as there's no sharp edges, you don't need them," Petruzziello said.

In the final tally, my car's emissions, suspension, windows, tires, fuel components , and most of its lighting passed inspection. But the brakes, hazards , and wiper blades did me in.

Duverge printed out a sticker with a fat "R" on it and slapped it on my windshield, informing me I had to fix my problems "immediately."

"But if you bring it back to this station within 60 days, by law, we will inspect it again for free," Petruzziello said.