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The only college course you'll ever need

Posted by Delia Cabe  September 9, 2010 12:23 PM

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Welcome to College in One Semester: Squeeze in four years of college into 15 weeks! Sound impossible? Think “CliffNotes": get the plot points and skip all the unnecessary filler. This course is college distilled to its very essence. Make this September the last time you go back to school. Ever. In addition to saving big time on college tuition, you’ll be ready to embark on your dream career. Credits: 120

Time: Tuesdays, 2:30 to 3:15 p.m. (Experts have determined that this time won’t interfere with long weekends, late nights, noon wake-up times, partying or meals.)
Animal House college.jpg

Instructor’s office hours: Fridays, 8 a.m. to 10 a.m.
Instructor’s office: 21°18′32″N 157°49′34″W

Course Objectives
1. Learn to get by with little effort
2. Learn terms and concepts to converse like a college graduate
3. Gain an understanding of life in and out of college
4. Understand the path to becoming a college dropout “great”

Course Requirements
Mid-term and final exams; one 20-page research paper on related subject

Required Texts
1. Oh, the Places You’ll Go! by Dr. Seuss (inevitably a graduation present, but why wait? Get a head start.)
2. Wikipedia
3. Google
4. A “Dummies” guide pertaining to your career choice
5. Can I Wear My Nose Ring to the Interview?: A Crash Course in Finding, Landing, and Keeping Your First Real Job by Eileen Gordon Reeves

Grading Policy
Here's how to ace the course--or not:
A: Book-to-blog deal, contract for reality show series OR 1 million Twitter followers
B: Guest appearance on The View, Oprah, Meet the Press, The Daily Show or The Colbert Report, NPR’s Fresh Air; 250K Twitter followers; cover profile in major national magazine, such as New Yorker, Esquire or Vanity Fair; blog gets 250K visitors a month; OR 250K views of your YouTube video (family friendly!)
C: 10K followers on Twitter, 10K views of your YouTube video (family friendly!); OR blog gets 10K visitors a month
D: Whining
F: Helicopter parents inquire about your grade or other course issues

Attendance Policy:
Limited to 2 unexcused absences—not to be treated as floating holidays! If you are absent, please indicate the following number—and not "Hey, did I miss anything important?"— in subject of e-mail:

1. Blew off the class.
2. Alarm clock didn’t go off.
3. Spaced out.
4. Took my roommate/friend to the ER.
5. My parents took the whole family to Disney World for a week. Sorry, they made reservations a year ago and couldn’t change it.
6. I had a gynecological issue.
7. Threw my back out while typing on my laptop.
8. My meds.
9. I had to go home because a) my mother’s parakeet died, b) I had a cold and wanted my mother to care for me, c) my father’s country is under attack, d) I needed to chillax, or e) my bff is home from college.
10. Bedbugs
11. Dog died. Again. RIP.
12. Whatevs - LOL

Plagiarism Policy
Please review the school’s guidelines on academic dishonesty in the student handbook.
Excuses that have been tried but never work:

1. Really?
2. Those were my notes. They must have gotten mixed up with what I was writing.
3. I don’t know how that happened.
4. I didn’t realize I had to turn in the actual assignment.
5. My other professors don’t mind when I plagiarize.
6. Why would I plagiarize?
7. No way! I wrote that myself.
8. You never said that we couldn’t.
9. In my country/high school, plagiarism is OK.
10. Oops, I printed out the wrong file.
11. So?

Course Schedule
Week 1: Embracing change and adversity: Welcome back!
Week 2: Appearances: Look like you’re working it
Week 3: From party pics to snarky comments: How to wipe out your damaging digital footprint on the Internet
Week 4: The Daily Show & Colbert Report: Which part is the news?
Week 5: Tattoos & Body Piercings
Week 6: Internships & other resume fodder
Week 7: Leadership: Becoming mayor on FourSquare
Week 8: Grad School: Waste of Money? Buying time?
Week 9: Which reality series is the right vehicle for your career?
Week 10: How to make money on eBay, in Las Vegas or on Craigslist
Week 11: Happiness: Pros & cons
Week 12: After vampires and Harry Potter: Be the next Stephenie Meyer or J. K. Rowling
Week 13: Can you drop out of college and get rich like Bill or Mark?
Bill Gates.jpg



(Paul Sakumo/AP Photo)

Week 14: Scandal: Career move?
Week 15: Moving back in with the ‘rents: Endgame?
Week 16: Graduation ceremony (guest speaker to be announced)

This blog is not written or edited by or the Boston Globe.
The author is solely responsible for the content.

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About the author

Delia Cabe's work has appeared in The Boston Globe Magazine, Boston Magazine, Self, Prevention, Scientific American Presents, and other publications. In between posts, you can read Cabe's tweets at!/DeliaCabe, More »

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