Iíve lived in the Greater Boston Area for a while now. I donít ask for too much from its residents. I pay my parking tickets. I practice the yoga instructions on the back of them, mostly nude and always in the middle of busy intersections. (Hey, itís Cambridge!) I even give gifts, like $1,000 wads of rubber-banded cash, to city councilors who deserve recognition for clearly dominating Movemberís beard-growing side-contest.
We employ the greatest brains in the world. Those brains also appear to have the greatest amount of time on their hands. Weíve finagled scientists who have created a robot that can both scale the harshest terrain and, also, ruin any dreams you may have for the rest of your life. We have Harvard law students who are trying to make sure those robots never get the privilege to turn you into the Brett Favre of your local airport security checkpoint.
I donít ask for many favors from you folks. I try to save them for special occasions, like when one of my ideas needs your brain for a necessary societal advancement, or when one of you is in front of me at Falafel Palace and Iím really hungry.
Today, Iím asking you for that favor.
We need Tommy Heinsohn cloned. We need it done by tonight.
Look, I know this is a tall task. Weíre not totally there yet on human cloning, I know. But weíve already pulled off goats and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, and all Iím asking for is a mouth, one eyeball and three-quarters of a brain.
Otherwise, how is America going to know that weíre all on the same page when LeBron visits Cleveland tonight if it doesn't have the increasingly jaded Celtics color analyst telling us that our overreaction is completely justified?
Itís one of those rare, unifying American moments of the 21st century. Regardless of political affiliation or religious beliefs, all of America is coming together to hold hands, share a Coke and spew vile, impossibly disgusting, and ultimately very creative insults at one human being tonight. Some of the loudest boos ever recorded are going to start raining down on one person and America will live in beautiful, peaceful harmony once again.
That is, of course, until some Cavs fan invariably throws an empty Sprite bottle onto the court and TNT announcers have to turn up their mock outrage to 11. Itíll embarrass us all and take us out of the moment. It will be the worst ďOh Jesus, I didnít mean to put Megadeth on this playlist of sexy R&B songs before making out with the girlfriendĒ moment of this entire decade.
ESPN, remember, immediately spun Ron Artest's jaunt into the stands and punch-out of random, innocent fans as "a disgusting display by these Detroit fans." Imagine the furor if someone so much as blows beautiful, flowing bubbles onto the court of Quicken Loans Arena tonight accompanied by a well-timed F-bomb. It will be a gorgeous work of art at the time. And it will be recounted as a terrorist attack on all future SportsCenters.
But this unnecessary guilt doesnít need to happen. Not if we can clone Tommy Heinsohn by tonight.
Look, we know we canít get this very busy gentleman to make it to Cleveland in the next few hours. He has to watch Wheel of Fortune and the Lottery before falling asleep on his recliner. Itís a very busy evening. But if we can pull off a quick, partial cloning, heíll never know what hit him.
Maybe he can whip out some of the old classics, like:
At the very least, though, every American wonít jointly feel that inevitable emotional comedown while watching this game tonight.
Hereís the deal: Iíll handle the shipping (FedEx has great rates on genetically engineered announcer clones) and the process of getting our mouth-eyeball-brain mutant on TV tonight.
Look, Iíll dress up like Princess Leia, or whatever, and bring over some pizza. You just make sure it exists. Okay, best brains of Boston? That generally seems to do the trick for you guys.
If it doesnít, check out this quote from Cleveland guard Mo Williams, via Globe NBA writer Gary Washburnís Twitter.
"It's no secret. Everybody in the world is with us."
Thatís right, America will be more put-together tonight than it has in years. It's all gussied up, it's wearing a suit, and it's ready to drop some dirty words. Itís on you and Tommy Heinsohn to make sure it doesn't get ruined by a bad soundtrack.
Today's Soundtrack: D'Angelo - How Does It Feel?
Megadeth - Holy Wars... The Punishment Due (NOTE: Don't actually listen to this song.)
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