A Thread for Shy People

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from bisragi. Show bisragi's posts

    A Thread for Shy People

    My name is Reuben and i am a shy guy,i find it hard to talk in a group or even vent out my ideas in a group discussin even when i know i have something brilliant to say,i live in Boston and i was hoping i can connect with people with same problem and who are willing to get help.I am hoping to start a support group for people like me who are shy to express their feelings to people or in a group

    My email is reuben.giwa@yahoo.com please contact me if you are interested in the support group 

    Thanks

     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People

    Rueben, shyness is difficult but it's really just a fear of rejection.  In order to get over any type of fear you have to just prove to yourself that you can handle the worst outcome you can imagine for speaking up.  And, to do that you have to just dive in and speak up when you have something you want to say.  When you have enough experiences under your belt that you were able to handle it will get easier and easier.  You already know you have brilliant things to contribute - people will enjoy learning from you and you them...that's friendship.  Trust that and just decide to behave outside of your comfort zone...soon it will become comfortable.

    the irony of starting a support group for shy people is that no one that shy will want to join a group and dare to speak up about it.  No one wants to risk rejection, but those who are considered "outgoing" just act in spite of that fear until we don't worry anymore about it.  With practice you'll become more outgoing because you'll realize that all the terrible things you fear and imagine might happen for it really don't.  It's a case of fake it 'til you make it.

    lastly, you might want to add spaces to your email address because autobots comb these forums gathering email addresses to spam.

    best wishes!!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Discretion is the better part of valor.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from bisragi. Show bisragi's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People

    In response to kargiver's comment:

    Rueben, shyness is difficult but it's really just a fear of rejection.  In order to get over any type of fear you have to just prove to yourself that you can handle the worst outcome you can imagine for speaking up.  And, to do that you have to just dive in and speak up when you have something you want to say.  When you have enough experiences under your belt that you were able to handle it will get easier and easier.  You already know you have brilliant things to contribute - people will enjoy learning from you and you them...that's friendship.  Trust that and just decide to behave outside of your comfort zone...soon it will become comfortable.

    the irony of starting a support group for shy people is that no one that shy will want to join a group and dare to speak up about it.  No one wants to risk rejection, but those who are considered "outgoing" just act in spite of that fear until we don't worry anymore about it.  With practice you'll become more outgoing because you'll realize that all the terrible things you fear and imagine might happen for it really don't.  It's a case of fake it 'til you make it.

    lastly, you might want to add spaces to your email address because autobots comb these forums gathering email addresses to spam.

    best wishes!!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Discretion is the better part of valor.



    Thanks for your advice Kargiver,i have tried many time to try and speak out in the midst of people but i find it so hard to say what i really have in mind because i am most time overwhelmed by my shyness.i am a smart guy, i know i am since i was young but i just will love to be able to pass my ideas and my views to people in an effective way,i think if i can be in a support group of people with similar issues i can atleast start from there and then take it out to the real world hoping my confidence would have been increase 

     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People

    Rueben, I'm sorry you are dealing with this at such a debilitating level; it must be very frustrating to you to have the desire but inability to interact in the meaningful way you know you could...if you could.

    Allow me to suggest that a support group is not really the most helpful idea to pursue.  Well intentioned and gutsy, but not helpful.  One reason is that others that fearful of interacting will not want to join a group and talk.  The other reason is that even if they did, you'd all be the blind leading the blind about how to overcome your debilitating anxieties.

    A more hopeful approach I believe will truly get you past this to live the life you wish you could have, is either therapy from a psychologist (behavioral talk therapy, not medicinal) OR even a psychiatrist (behavioral therapy with the possibility of trying anti anxiety or anti depression meds).

    A psychologist would be able to help you understand where your anxiety is really stemming from and will guide you through the conquering of it by actual methods that are tried, true, and successful.  You are not alone in dealing with this; it's well understood and there are many professional techniques and emotional tools you can be given to get you where you want to go.

    A psychiatrist does all of the above PLUS evaluates you from a brain chemistry perspective and may suggest trying drug therapy along with cognitive therapy if he believes any of your social anxiety is due to chemical imbalances in your brain.

    merely hanging out with other debilitated people is not going to change how you think and feel.

    I have personal experience with both a psychiatrist (and got on medication for depression that saved my life) and a psychologist who helped me process a divorce.  Neither lasted forever, I'm not on the anti-depressants anymore (although, if I still needed them I would be), and therapy wasnt a forever thing.  It's not like in the movies.  You can go, learn what you need to learn and practice, and then be done.  Or, you can find medication that frees you of a chemical imbalance and that's that.

    again, best wishes

    ETA:  I highly recommend starting with a psychiatrist. If he determines that your problem is not chemically driven, he'll recommend a good psychologist.  But, that level of extreme anxiety says to me that there's a good chance it might at least in part be driven by a chemical issue that could benefit from a medicinal approach.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Discretion is the better part of valor.

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from GoneToTheDogs39. Show GoneToTheDogs39's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People

    In response to bisragi's comment:

     

    "i live in Boston and i was hoping i can connect with people with same problem and who are willing to get help.I am hoping to start a support group for people like me who are shy to express their feelings to people or in a group" (end quote)


    Excellent idea,  Reuben, btw, there is nothing wrong with being shy, some people are extroverts and some people are introverts.  In fact there may be a genetic link.

     Both types have a valuable place in our society, in example, some people are more comfortable working behind the scenes, research, writing etc.  While others prefer to be up front socializing and shaking hands, smiling, and giving speeches.

    The differences in our personalities, is what makes us unique and interesting.

    Unless your shyness is impeding your ability to function and perform everyday activities, I wouldn't worry about it. Smile

    PS: Shyness is a personality trait, not a disorder. 

    http://www.mindpub.com/art311.htm

       excerpt:  Some of the most successful and famous people happen to be shy. Robert Frost, Eleanor Roosevelt, Bob Dole, Albert Gore, Barbara Walters, Johnny Carson, David Letterman, Princess Diana and many others have identified themselves as shy.

     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People

    Anything that interferes with the quality of your life by absolutely preventing you from experiencing the joy of normal behavior (yes, there's a range) is a disorder.  And, what of it, what is the problem with calling it what it is?  Help is to be had, a full life is there for the taking, and if talk therapy and/or drug therapy can help, and it can and does, no one needs to live with a debilitating ANXIETY disorder.

    There's shy and there's debilitating, life detracting anxiety shyness which very likely, as described, to be an anxiety disorder.  The latter can only benefit from exploring professional help and to suggest otherwise is mean and contributes to the stigma against "getting help."

    If Rueben seeks professional help and it isn't necessary, that will become apparent and alternate approaches will be discussed and explored. 

    I knew it was a matter of time before you jumped in, Robin, and refuted me.  

    Rueben, there is no harm and no shame in finding out if you can learn techniques or try medication (or a combination of the two) from a professional.  Robin has a history of refuting me about everything.  I wish you only the best and KNOW that getting together with people who share your extreme social anxiety will noprovide you the answers and changes you seek.

    ETA: Robin will respond and argue.  I will not.  She can have the last word.  However, I hope with all my heart you seek professional help and get past this asap.  Your life is waiting!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Discretion is the better part of valor.

     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from GoneToTheDogs39. Show GoneToTheDogs39's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People

     This comment is in response to a previous post, and not directed at the OP.


    I'm not refuting anyone or anything, I am simply offering my opinion.

    Just as you are offering your opinion.

    BTW, I would appreciate it if you would stop mentioning my screen name in your posts.

     

     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from bisragi. Show bisragi's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People

    In response to RockinRobin39's comment:

     


    I'm not refuting anyone or anything, I am simply offering my opinion.

    Just as you are offering your opinion.

    BTW, I would appreciate it if you would stop mentioning my screen name in your posts.

     




     

    Thanks for your advices i really appreciate it,i know its hard but i will continue to seek help maybe see a psychologist if i can afford the services of one 

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from GoneToTheDogs39. Show GoneToTheDogs39's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People


    Reuben, you can check the hospitals, churches, and your local newspaper for community based support groups.

    Also, if you just attend group activities or conferences about things you have an interest in, you may find it helpful.

    I know they are out there (often free) and you indicated that you would be comfortable in a group setting. 

     Maybe a walk group?   http://www.brighamandwomensfaulkner.org/about-us/general-information/community-health-and-wellness/documents/Faulkner-Walk-For-Life-2013.pdf

    A book discussion club?  Check with your local library.

    Best of luck. Smile

     

     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People

    In response to bisragi's comment:

     

    In response to RockinRobin39's comment:

     

     

     

     


    I'm not refuting anyone or anything, I am simply offering my opinion.

    Just as you are offering your opinion.

    BTW, I would appreciate it if you would stop mentioning my screen name in your posts.

     

     

     




     

     

     

    Thanks for your advices i really appreciate it,i know its hard but i will continue to seek help maybe see a psychologist if i can afford the services of one 

     



    Psychiatrists are medical doctors and are covered under insurance.  Check your plan and see how to proceed from a financial perspective.  From what you've said I believe very strongly that seeing a doctor is the best first step to get the problem, as you've described it being debilitating social anxiety (a medical condition), evaluated professionally.  The next step will become clear from there whatever it might be.

     

     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from GoneToTheDogs39. Show GoneToTheDogs39's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People

    This book was highly recommended to me by an RN with 3 college degrees.

    Front Cover Marti Olsen Laney 33 Reviews http://books.google.com/books/about/The_Introvert_Advantage.html?id=o9yEqgTWR_AC Workman Publishing, 2002 - Family & Relationships - 330 pages

    At least one out of four people prefers to avoid the limelight, tends to listen more than they speak, feels alone in large groups, and requires lots of private time to restore their energy. They're introverts, and here is the book to help them boost their confidence while learning strategies for successfully living in an extrovert world.

    After dispelling common myths about introverts-they're not necessarily shy, aloof, or antisocial-- The Introvert Advantage explains the real issues. Introverts are hardwired from birth to focus inward, so outside stimulation-chitchat, phone calls, parties, office meetings-can easily become "too much."

    The Introvert Advantage dispels introverts' belief that something is wrong with them and instead helps them recognize their inner strengths-their analytical skills, ability to think outside the box, and strong powers of concentration. It helps readers understand introversion and shows them how to determine where they fall on the introvert/extrovert continuum. It provides tools to improve relationships with partners, kids, colleagues, and friends, offering dozens of tips, including 10 ways to talk less and communicate more, 8 ways to showcase your abilities at work, how to take a child's temperament temperature, and strategies for socializing. Finally, it shows how to not just survive, but thrive-how to take advantage of the introvert's special qualities to create a life that's just right for the introvert temperament, to discover new ways to expand their energy reserves, and even how, when necessary, to confidently become a temporary extrovert.

     

     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from GoneToTheDogs39. Show GoneToTheDogs39's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People


    BTW, if there are any "Dancing With The Stars" fans out there, please feel free to join us in the TV forum, DWTS Season 17 thread.

    DWTS returns in September!   We discuss the show, critique the celebs and pros, it's just lighthearted fun :) 

     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from miscricket. Show miscricket's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People

    Hi Reuben,

    I know you said that you are shy around groups of people and nervous in group discussion setting..but how are you with friends, family, one on one with coworkers etc? I only ask because there is a big difference between not being able to talk to groups and not being able to talk to people one on one or in the course of your workday, etc.

    Some people are naturally introverted. I know because I am one of those people. It took a lot of work and practice for me to become at least somewhat comfortable talking to large groups and I have overcome it to the point where I now have a fledgling business teaching social media marketing technique workshops for various groups. I can do all of this successfully..but I am still happiest and most comfortable when I am alone..lol

    I won't go on and on with the techniques that worked for me until I understand better where your social anxiety is most prominent....but trust me..this is something you can overcome with some work and commitment.

     

     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People

    these are all great questions a psychiatrist would explore to evaluate the best course of action.  Calling a paralyzing social anxiety "introverted" is like calling major depression a melancholy personality.  One requires medical intervention, the other is just a personality type that is less chipper than others.  Or, an agoraphobic a "homebody."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Discretion is the better part of valor.

     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from GoneToTheDogs39. Show GoneToTheDogs39's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People

    Interesting responses (mine included, lol!)  

     However, the OP, in my opinion, never said anything to indicate that he needed the services of a medical professional.

    In fact, he did not ask for any advice, he just requested that people interested in joining a support group for shy people contact him.

     

     

     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People

    This "screams" the need to start with a professional and go from there.  Maybe it's not necessary, but a professional will know this in one visit and get the ball rolling in the direction it should go from there.  There's no possible harm to making one appointment, the OP might not recognize that a professional is a great place to start (or is too overwhelmed to consider it), and the only harm is avoiding it especially IF a medicinal approach has a chance of remedying what could be a chemical imbalance.  Suggesting avoiding finding out...that is advice I cannot understand.

    "most time [I'm] overwhelmed by my shyness"  = life detracting 

    If I had a friend come to me and say just that one phrase, I'd give the advice I've given Rueben and the conglomerate of his posts add even further to my strong opinion that one visit is the place to start.  It's covered by insurance.  He's told us he knows he's a smart guy - do we think he's not smart enough to have read a book?  I give him more credit than that and hope so much he'll make that at least ONE appointment with a doctor.

    life is too short to farrt around forever with self help when you are so troubled as to say that most of the time your life is controlled by shyness when one visit to the doctor can really turn things around even if medicine is not determined to be the ultimate answer in every case.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Discretion is the better part of valor.

     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from bisragi. Show bisragi's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People

    Thanks again everyone for the advice,it takes someone in my situation to know that it doesnt take just reading books to tackle this,most times its seem to me as fairy tales....but still,i will will give it another try.thanks again everyone 

     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People

    In response to bisragi's comment:

    Thanks again everyone for the advice,it takes someone in my situation to know that it doesnt take just reading books to tackle this,most times its seem to me as fairy tales....but still,i will will give it another try.thanks again everyone 



    That's why I gave you the advice I did; call your insurance company or go online and find out about your mental health benefits.  You can do this; life is too short not to get this ball REALLY rolling.

     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from GoneToTheDogs39. Show GoneToTheDogs39's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People


    The book has some suggestions that a shy person may find useful.

     Sometimes it takes a variety of approaches to tackle a problem.

     Try some small groups first, there is so much available in the Boston area.

    Just get out there and be around others.

     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People

    I'm shy.

     

    SRSLY.

     

    'though you'd never know it from my posts.

    Out beyond the ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. -- Rumi

     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from bisragi. Show bisragi's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People

    In response to RockinRobin39's comment:


    The book has some suggestions that a shy person may find useful.

     Sometimes it takes a variety of approaches to tackle a problem.

     Try some small groups first, there is so much available in the Boston area.

    Just get out there and be around others.



    i will be glad if you can recommend one to me,i really feel am getting help already with you guys advicing me i wish you know how important this is to 

    @kargiver thanks so much

     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from toytrumpet. Show toytrumpet's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People

    Someone just sent me a whole list of wise sayings, whatever they be called, and this was among them, and quite appropriate for this thread, I thought:

    "The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." 

     

    "Each one of us contributes in some unique way to the composition of life." 

    ~ Mr. Rogers

    tt

     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from GoneToTheDogs39. Show GoneToTheDogs39's posts

    Re: A Thread for Shy People

    In response to bisragi's comment:

    In response to RockinRobin39's comment:

     


    "i will be glad if you can recommend one to me,i really feel am getting help already with you guys advicing me i wish you know how important this is to" 



    Just "Google" social anxiety groups Boston,  I'm sure you'll find something...

    for example:  http://www.bu.edu/card/research/anxiety-disorders-treatment-study/

    http://www.bostonsocialanxiety.com/index.html

    Otherwise, check the local library, hospitals, churches, local paper for support groups, activities and social events in your community. (Forgive me for repeating myself, but I don't know if you noticed this suggestion, and I think it's a good one)  Smile

     

     
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