Shopaholic sister - advice please

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from Celia2. Show Celia2's posts

    Shopaholic sister - advice please

    My sister is a shopaholic. She's always been one but hasn't been able to adjust her spending habits after she lost her job. We thought that she would change when she hit rock bottom - bankruptcy. Nope, she continues to spend like she has a lot of money. She has a job now but at a lower income. The worst part is that she keeps asking family members to borrow money. She always claims it some crisis like she can't make her rent but then we find out that she's buying clothes, going out to dinner and getting her hair done at a fancy salon. We're tired of financing her lifestyle but hate dealing with the guilt trips that she tries to lay on us.

    Until recently I had a ready excuse not to lend her money (down one income) but luckily for us that excuse is no longer valid. I don't want to lend (let's be honest it's giving since there will never be any repayment) her money but also don't want to drive a wedge between us. I know she uses this fact to weedle money out of us. My sister's money crisis has gotten to be a never ending saga.  Is there any way out of this for us except a firm "No" when asked for money?
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    Cella,
    I think you answered you own question. DON'T lend your sister any more money!
    It sounds simple, but I am sure it is not from your standpoint of view. I know, you want to help your sister, but if you (or someone else) keep lending her money, she will never be rehabilitated from her addiction.
    The best thing you can do for her, is to have her see a professional dealing with addiction and to stop bailing her out. And please don't feel guilty about it, you are doing her a favor.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    Your excuse is "no longer valid?"  That statement ALONE is not valid.  You don't NEED an excuse (in fact, you did yourself a disservice ever relying on one) to not lend (otherwise known as give away) money.

    Tell your sister that you've decided to live by a new rule:  No lending money to anyone ever.  (And follow it)

    The only "reason/excuse" you need is IT'S YOUR MONEY.  You earned it, and no one else has a right to it unless YOU want to give it away.

    P.S. She'll whine, cry, and try to put a guilt trip on you.  Simply (and it IS this easy, believe me) respond calmly, "My new rule in my life is to not lend money to anyone."  Repeat it over and over even if you sound like a nutty broken record until she hears you for the first time (which will be the last time you say it).  You might sound like a nut to yourself, but it's only because you are listening to yourself.  She won't have any idea you've been saying the same thing over and over because she'll have been tuning you out...'til she finally hears it.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemoncoke. Show lemoncoke's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    Kargiver, wise beyond her years.  Listen to her.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    lc, thanks, very nice of you to say. 
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from AcheNot. Show AcheNot's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    You paint a very bleak picture, Celia, but you left out some important details

    For instance, when your sister hits you up for money, how much does she ask for? Twenty bucks? Fifty bucks? A few hundred?

    And how often does she hit you up? Once a week? Once a month? Once every six months?

    Also, how much are you out at this point? A few hundred? A few thousand? More than that??

    Sounds like you are in a very difficult position. It must be maddening for you. Nobody likes a leech

    But it's kind of hard to give an informed opinion about your situation without knowing all the facts. (Not that that would stop the know-it-alls in this forum from doing so...)

    Best of luck. I hope everything works out for you

     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    Over complicating it doesn't help.  She doesn't need an excuse not to lend money no matter what the "circumstances."  So, we can answer quite rationally without all those answers.  Sometime the details do not matter.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    Cella,
    I agree with Kargiver. You original post was very clear. Your sister is a shopaholic, keep asking family members for money and you don't want to keep bailing her out. This is plenty of details - no more facts needed.
    Unless it is a medical emergency, you will help your sister best with a firm "NO!". However, if you should ever feel like helping her out - don't ever give her cash. Make a check out to whatever "crisis" she is in - like to her landlord for her rent (even if only a partial payment) for example.
    You are in a tough spot, and I hope everything will work out for you - Pingo


     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    ache is just being santimonious, trying to make it appear like he cares enough to ask the "right questions."  It gives him a nice sounding platform to accuse kargiver of being a know-it-all for oversimplifying and not bothering to ask such things.  Well, I'm not ashmaed to say I do KNOW it's a bad idea to lend the sister money.  It's not complicated, and the answers to those questions are irrelavent and to suggest otherwise is harmful to the OP.  It IS an emotinal challenge, but technically not hard.  Shame on ache for putting his own selfish needs (to put me down) ahead of this woman who asked for real help.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from toytrumpet. Show toytrumpet's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    I long ago made it a policy not to loan any amount of money to anyone, family or friend, unless I felt it wouldn't be a hardship to me if for some reason it wasn't paid back.  I had to think of it in my own mind as a "gift". 

    You can't change your sister's spending habits or money managing issues.  We do have to take care of ourselves, and I think it's probably in your best interest at this point to just let her know you can't afford to loan any more money. 
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    Kar,
    I agree with you. Ache's post was just to put you and I down. It s just amazing how this guy can slither himself into everything. He is obviously trying to befriend new posters. They will soon enough know, that his posts are not a pinch of salt worth. Please don't take his posts personally. We all know you a lot better. - P

    In Response to Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please:
    ache is just being santimonious, trying to make it appear like he cares enough to ask the "right questions."  It gives him a nice sounding platform to accuse kargiver of being a know-it-all for oversimplifying and not bothering to ask such things.  Well, I'm not ashmaed to say I do KNOW it's a bad idea to lend the sister money.  It's not complicated, and the answers to those questions are irrelavent and to suggest otherwise is harmful to the OP.  It IS an emotinal challenge, but technically not hard.  Shame on ache for putting his own selfish needs (to put me down) ahead of this woman who asked for real help.
    Posted by kargiver
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from toytrumpet. Show toytrumpet's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    Pingo, I don't know why you let this guy bother you so.  That's his intention. He wins every time.  What happened to your decision to just put him on  "ignore"?
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    I responded to him to use the word "sanctimonious."  It fit so well I couldn't resist.  And, of course, to point out to OP his intentions are not good and the reason behind his post.  There are many very caring people with the "neither a lender nor borrower be" rule, not just know-it-all kargiver.  That's why it's a saying.  There are no qualifications to the saying for a reason; everything is irrelevant to following it.

    And, only people I respect can actually upset me.  I don't give anyone else permission...certainly not that buffoon.

    ~kar
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    tt,
    This guy do not upset or bother me me one bit. Truly! In fact, I find it amusing to see how he tries to come back to these boards. But Dottie is our friend, and she will take care of him. I am assured.
    I hope you noticed, that I do not respond to his posts in general. But this time he attacked my friend Kar and that was just too much for me. I was responding to Kar's post - not his. I really don't care if he wins or looses. To me he is the biggest looser on these boards. Thanks Dottie!

    In Response to Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please:
    Pingo, I don't know why you let this guy bother you so.  That's his intention. He wins every time.  What happened to your decision to just put him on  "ignore"?
    Posted by toytrumpet

     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from AcheNot. Show AcheNot's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    In Response to Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please:
    Over complicating it doesn't help.  She doesn't need an excuse not to lend money no matter what the "circumstances."  So, we can answer quite rationally without all those answers.  Sometime the details do not matter.
    Posted by kargiver


    Well, if your goal is to be the Queen of Tough Love, then youre right. Facts and details dont matter

    But if you want to offer a reasoned/thoughtful/informed opinion about a sensitive issue involving two family members, then facts and details ALWAYS matter

    As a former software engineer, Kara, you should know this... 
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from AcheNot. Show AcheNot's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    In Response to Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please:
    I  There are many very caring people with the "neither a lender nor borrower be" rule, not just know-it-all kargiver.  That's why it's a saying .  There are no qualifications to the saying for a reason; everything is irrelevant to following it.
    Posted by kargiver


    You have it backward. It's "Neither a borrower nor a lender be"

    It's from Hamlet. Part of Polonius' advice to his son Laertes...advice by the way which is generally regarded as a list of platitudes

    See how trite and un-nuanced it is? That's why it's a platitude:)



     
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    Kar,
    I am truly sorry for you. Seems this Ache poster now has a "crush" on you instead of me. Please don't get upset about it. Just ignore him. Hopefully you have as broad shoulders, as I have. Of course I am delighted, I am off the hook for a few days - however long it will last. Guess he wants you to read up on Shakespeare. LOL
    Hope you enjoyed your pool party - Pingo
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from AcheNot. Show AcheNot's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    Well, pingo. You and Kar have posted 5 messages in this thread, and 3 each were devoted to (or about) me. Of the 2 messages tt posted, one was about me

    That's 7 out of 12

    Now who has got the crush on whom here?
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    I think the OP has my point to do with what she wishes to whatever extent, if any, she wishes.  I'm not going to discuss it unless she asks me to comment further.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    Wow, Thursby knows the Bard. He even understood the context of Polonius's advice.

    Now, as for his obsession with kar's career choice:'

    O, beware, my lord, of jealousy;
    It is the green-ey'd monster, which doth mock
    The meat it feeds on. That cuckold lives in bliss,
    Who, certain of his fate, loves not his wronger:
    But O, what damnèd minutes tells he o'er
    Who dotes, yet doubts, suspects, yet strongly loves!
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    rdg, you crack me up!  Laughing
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    Me too - Pingo

    In Response to Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please:
    rdg, you crack me up! 
    Posted by kargiver

     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from beastsgirl. Show beastsgirl's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    Hi all,just wanted to say I'm impressed with the knowledge of Shakespeare posters on this thread have. I do find the bantering amusing when it's intelligent and not mean spirited. Any how,it's such a hard situation to have to say "No" to someone that you love. I'm not proud of it, but a long while ago a loved one had to say no to me,gave no excuses,and I'm now grateful for it. I was hurt and offended at first, but I did grow from the experience. There's nothing wrong with helping out a person in need, but when it contributes to their neediness your not doing them any favors. It's the "Teach a man to fish" thing. (and no, I have no idea where that quote came from) Is it from the Bible or did someone just make it up? Have a fabulous Monday everyone!b.g.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from Celia2. Show Celia2's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    In Response to Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please:
    You paint a very bleak picture, Celia, but you left out some important details For instance, when your sister hits you up for money, how much does she ask for? Twenty bucks? Fifty bucks? A few hundred? And how often does she hit you up? Once a week? Once a month? Once every six months? Also, how much are you out at this point? A few hundred? A few thousand? More than that?? Sounds like you are in a very difficult position. It must be maddening for you. Nobody likes a leech But it's kind of hard to give an informed opinion about your situation without knowing all the facts. (Not that that would stop the know-it-alls in this forum from doing so...) Best of luck. I hope everything works out for you
    Posted by AcheNot


    I live too far away from her to be hit up for small dollars. When we do get together it is usually me funding the activity. Lately most of our meetings have been at home or low cost places. For birthdays and holidays we've been giving her gift cards to the food store or gas station.

    The last time she asked me for money was for $4000. The answer to that request was no. The last time I loaned her money it was $1000. That was several years ago with absolutely no sign of ever being paid back. On top of my sister being a shopaholic, she is married to a lazy butt of a guy who hasn't worked in 25+ years. It's real difficult in my mind for me to part with my hard earned $$ to fund the lifestyle of someone who thinks that the world owes him a living.

    To be honest, my sister may be on the verge of homelessness. I'd allow her to stay with me but not her husband. She won't go without her husband so it puts us in a difficult situation.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from beastsgirl. Show beastsgirl's posts

    Re: Shopaholic siister - advice please

    Honestly Celia, It doesn't seem like it, but the most loving thing you can do for her is to say "No,I can't help you out with cash this time. I feel it would be a HUGE mistake to have them stay with you. Take it from me, I didn't have a husband, but I was needy, and believe me, if your sister is in that dire straits that she will be homeless because of HER excessive spending A firm "No" will motivate her and her husband to get their act together. I feel for you,it's such a lousy situation. Take care(Of YOU) b.g.
     
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