Turkey Relocater Disappears

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from toytrumpet. Show toytrumpet's posts

    Turkey Relocater Disappears

    TURKEY RELOCATER EXTRAORDINAIRE WORKS  HIS MAGIC - YET AGAIN!

    People in a small MA town are all abuzz about the welcomed disappearance of troublesome turkeys who were raiding local backyards and decks.   This community had had lawns and gardens ravaged by these birds, considered "beautiful" by some, but ask anyone living here, and they would tell you they were ugly, disgusting menaces.  No longer could the good people of this town enjoy their breakfast out on their decks, no longer could they sit on manicured lawns enjoying expensive plantings in their gardens.  The bold birds appeared on deck rails, bringing their offspring, and leaving droppings everywhere.  Appeals to Town Officials did no good, planting of herbs and vegetables they were reported to be repelled by did no good.

    In utter frustration, an ad in a local paper was answered, and they placed the matter in the hands of the ad submitter, known only as "The Turkey Relocater", who boasted great success in ridding towns of turkey populations.  Ever so slowly the numbers of birds dwindled down.  No carcasses left behind, no shots heard, just fewer and fewer birds.  There were reports of people answering yet another ad for "fresh turkeys, free", but these deliveries were made during the dark of night, and no one ever actually saw the deliverer.

    Stranger yet, is the complete disappearance and communication from this turkey person.  No attempt at collecting a fee has been made, no big splashy news item about his success, just the quiet absence of all evidence that he ever existed.

    Townfolk want to express their gratitude, and are hoping he reads this newspaper item and will again surface.  You've done us a great service, turkey man, and we want to thank you.

    Signed  - Grateful residents of Your Town, USA

     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    tt, Awsome - just awesome. - P
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from ambergirl. Show ambergirl's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    Just seen this and I concur with Pingo.  Just awesome....  Sealed
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    The pied-piper will be back for his pay at some point. Watch out for your kids!

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from AcheNot. Show AcheNot's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    I dont believe this story. Are you kidding me? It cant possibly be true. Must be one of those urban myths Ive heard about. Trumpet probably made it up herself

    You cant fool me, tt

    Key words in this article are "absence of all evidence"

    As a decorated veteran of the brutal Operation Obliteration campaign, I know what it takes to wipe out a turkey population. I couldnt do it even with the support of an entire army. No way can it be done by one man acting alone

    Sorry, but the Myth of the Turkey Relocater guy, like all good fairy tales, is IMO a work of total fiction

    Please dont believe the hype, folks

    Thank you


    ETA: Please disregard my above post. Sorry, tt. I guess I'm not as swift as I thought I was. Ah, geesh:)
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    Love it.  You guys are so clever and entertaining! 
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    Amnesia, anyone around here? - P

    In Response to Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears:
    [QUOTE]I dont believe this story. Are you kidding me? It cant possibly be true. Must be one of those urban myths Ive heard about. Trumpet probably made it up herself You cant fool me, tt Key words in this article are "absence of all evidence" As a decorated veteran of the brutal Operation Obliteration campaign, I know what it takes to wipe out a turkey population. I couldnt do it even with the support of an entire army. No way can it be done by one man acting alone Sorry, but the Myth of the Turkey Relocater guy, like all good fairy tales, is IMO a work of total fiction Please dont believe the hype, folks Thank you
    Posted by AcheNot[/QUOTE]
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from toytrumpet. Show toytrumpet's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    TURKEY MAN UPDATE

    After yesterday's newspaper hit the stands, the paper received dozens of calls from people claiming to know the identity of "turkey man".  Some were hoping to cash in with a reward for bringing him forward, but so far all leads have proved baseless.  Others were doubters, as one man who took out an ad, calling himself "AcheNot", and claimed HE had been the one running an "Operation Obliteration" that had rid the Town of some of the turkeys, but that he had found it impossible even with an army to completely obliterate them.  Of course that claim is entirely false, we certainly would have noticed an army of any sort roaming through Town.

    We continue to hope the real hero will make an appearance, and we ask the public not clog up the lines with prank calls.  Please keep your kids off the lines too with their "Gobble - Gobble" calls.  We understand it is nearing the end of summer vacation for them and boredom has set in, but the lines were so bogged down this morning that staff were unable to call out for their regular coffee runs.

    A meeting is scheduled this afternoon in Town Hall to brainstorm other ideas for luring this evidently very humble man out into our midst, to accept at the very least, our profound thanks at an award ceremony.

    The Editor
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    Oh, no, not the coffee run! Surprised Those DARNED KIDS and their pranks! Yell
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    tt, how could you do that to me first thing in the morning? I am in "stitches" right now. - Pingo

    Ps. Which paper are you working for? I want to subscribe to it.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from ambergirl. Show ambergirl's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    tt, your writing is amazing.  You interact with Ache like 2 peas in a pod.  Thoroughly enjoying!
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from AcheNot. Show AcheNot's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    In Response to Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears:
    [QUOTE]  Of course that claim is entirely false, we certainly would have noticed an army of any sort roaming through Town. The Editor
    Posted by toytrumpet[/QUOTE]

    Entirely false?

    Are you out of your mind? What is wrong with you? Youre insane

    The whole world knows the truth about Operation Obliteration. I made sure of that

    I was on Twitter with it every day. Had everyone riveted to my "Tweets from the Frontline"
    I gave a much ballyhoo-ed "foxhole interview" to sexy Bianca De LaGarza that aired in 10 parts on the Eye Opener. Did huge ratings 
    And I kept an exhaustive Battlefield Diary that I am presently turrning into a screenplay titled "Up Yours, Hobart". All the big Hollywoord studios are vying for exclusive movie rights. I'll be a millionaire from this thing before I'm done

    So you dont know what youre talking about. Furthermore, youre a shady guy and a shoddy journalist. Your editorial above makes my interview with Cheerio the Cat look like a Pulitzer Prize winner

    Youre lucky I dont sue you for libel

    I demand an apology and a full retraction...
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from AcheNot. Show AcheNot's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    In Response to Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears:
    [QUOTE]  Which paper are you working for? I want to subscribe to it.
    Posted by pingo[/QUOTE]

    The WeMakeThisStuffUpForTheHellOfIt Times Picayune
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from toytrumpet. Show toytrumpet's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    Open Editorial to Mr. AcheNot:

    We have carefully read your latest correspondence, but fear your claims for Operation Obliteration taking place in our little Town, are completely unfounded. While you certainly seem to have brought about quite the chain of events that have proved beneficial to you as well, it was not in our sleepy hamlet.  Is it possible, sir, that you have the names of the towns mixed up?  There are quite a few ending in "ville" in this little valley, and your "army" must have been marching through another, because it certainly wasn't ours.  Our local police force, while small, is on top of the arrival and goings on of all new groups, most certainly armies, their purpose for being here, and are quick to sign them up for the local Lions Club - which by the way, might I add, hosts a Tuesday night buffet every week during the summer (got that plug in, Al).

    Our suggestion is that you stop in your local KMart and pick up a map of this region.  Perhaps scanning it will trigger your memory for where you really were. Obviously, you feel very strongly that you did rid some town of their turkey overpopulation - we don't really want to know how - and sincerely hope the TV appearances you write about, really did occur.  We don't get that particular program here, tho in another year, if we can get the approval for the money for a tower past one stubborn Town Meeting Member (not pointing any fingers, Ethel), their signal will reach us.

    In the meantime, we wish you the best with your screenplay and eventual movie deal you feel is imminent.  We will continue to search for our Turkey Man, and are meeting again tomorrow afternoon, since the suggestion of bringing another batch of turkeys into town in the hopes he will reappear, was unanimously voted down (sorry Dave, but upon rethinking that one, I'm sure you too will agree that was a doozy).  Should you be passing through our Town in the future, we warmly welcome you to stop by the paper and have a cup of coffee.  It probably will be our most decorated police officer, Bill, whose siren will accompany you as you cross over the townline.

    Best wishes for future Operation Obliterations.  I'm sure there are other towns out there needing your expertise.

    The Editor
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    Maybe he has dreamed it all.  You know, dreams can feel very real sometimes.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from AcheNot. Show AcheNot's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    Dear Mr Editor:

    You dont get Channel 5 in your area, huh? Hmmm. You sure you live in Massachusetts? No offense, but the way you describe your town, you make it sound less like a community just north of Boston, and more like Mayberry RFD...which is kinda funny because every time I read a post from mothermitzi (she is a regular in this forum), the voice of Aunt Bea rattles around in my brain

    But that is a separate matter entirely...

    It's possible that in my haste to trash "TurkeyMan" and to label him a fake fairy tale character (not reality), I overlooked the possibility that he and I operated in separate arenas (ie, different towns). If so, I apologize for my harsh initial reaction

    But his story borrows heavily from my own story, so naturally I became suspicious. As you know, I am in the middle of an intense negotiation with Hollywood right now. If word ever got back to the West Coast that a separate Turkey Guy story exists, it would weaken my position, compromise the negotiation, and potentially reduce my mega movie deal payout by tens of millions of dollars. Might even jeopardize the whole thing entirely

    So I have a lot riding on this. I'm sure you understand

    Btw, thanks for the kind wishes. Right neighborly of you

    PS If you see Andy or Barney or Floyd the Barber around town today, please tell them I said hi, okay?

    One other thing: Wouldnt surprise me if Hollywood itself planted the whole TurkeyMan story. I put nothing past those #### weasels...
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    I see Andy, Barney, and Floyd all the time.  I'll definitely give them your warmest regards next time I'm in the center of town.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from toytrumpet. Show toytrumpet's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    FESTIVAL ON THE GREEN

    A festival, complete with rides and games for the kids, is planned for this next Saturday, during daylight hours, on the Village Green.  The hope is that the mysterious "Turkey Man" who rid the town of its growing number of turkeys, will make an appearance.  All efforts to contact this wonder working stranger, have failed.  A newspaper article published earlier this week failed to bring any legitimate response, altho reportedly several letters consisting of pasted words on plain stationery, were received by the editor's office.  These were quickly dismissed as crank claims since minute descriptions of the manner in which the birds were "disposed of" were known not to be the fact.  Let me dispel one rumor coming out of them,  there are NOT carcasses of these birds bleaching out in the sun at the Town Dump for the purpose of erecting bone statuary to be displayed on the Village Green, as a momument honoring the successful disposition of these birds.  I repeat, completely false.  We have no idea the fate of these birds, or where they ended up.

    All registered Town citizens and their families are invited to join the festivities on Saturday.  Besides the kids' games and rides, there were be booths offering a chance to win various prizes, - feathered  pendants, lucky foot key chains, red change pouches, to name a few.  The women from the local school cafeteria have graciously volunteered to prepare a tasty spread - turkey pot pie, turkey fricassee, turkey salad sandwiches,  and one culinary school student is even trying her hand at turkey ice cream!

    This promises to be a fun filled day for everyone.  We're hoping that the culmination will be fireworks at dusk, signaling our "man of the hour" has made an appearance.  Failure of him to show up, will result in the fireworks being safely stored until next 4th of July.  Spread the word,  "We want Turkey Man!"

    Late developments:
    Over the week-end several letters were received by a Mr. AcheNot, who describes himself as the leader of a warfare dubbed, "Operation Obliteration".   Apparently, Mr. AcheNot and his army marched into a town which he mistakenly thought was ours, and successfully  succeeded in removing the majority of an overpopulation of turkeys.  Having explained to Mr. AcheNot that that town was certainly not ours, (imagine something like that getting past you, Officer Bill!),  we have cordially invited him to visit us when he's  in the vicinity.  We want to take this opportunity to warmly invite him to join our celebration on Saturday, and perhaps if our real Turkey Man does make an appearance, Mr. AcheNot and Turkey Man will have some stories and strategies to swap - might be helpful in your next "Operation Obliteration", since our Turkey Man did successfully rid us of all turkeys.   Again, remember, the siren accompanying you over the townline, will be the police car of our most decorated officer, Officer Bill (a little salute as a sign of respect would be appreciated, I'm sure).

    The Town Crier

    (Not to worry, our little paper doesn't reach the hills of Hollywood)

     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from AcheNot. Show AcheNot's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    Very nice of you to invite me to the party this Saturday. I'm really looking forward to it. (Will tt be operating the Kissing Booth?) Sounds like a fun time to me

    My attendance however will be conditional on your meeting my one tiny demand: That Officer Bill bar the admittance of the woman pictured below:

    .  
    I'm sure you recognize who she is. I would mention her name, but she would just use it as another excuse to file an abuse report against me. This woman was last seen out publicly in western Massachusetts attending Symphony at Tanglewood. (Andy! I'm headed to the Berkshires! TTFN!)

    I dont think it's asking too much of you to do me this one little favor and shut this woman out of the Gala on the Green. She and I just dont get along

    By the way, youll be happy to learn that Hollywood bought my screenplay over the weekend, so I am now officially a millionaire. They want to make a few alterations to the script however, ie, turn it from being an action/adventure film into a light, romantic comedy, playing up the May/December relationship angle between me and trumpet. HM of course to portray tt...

    Will tell you more about it when I see you all on Saturday afternoon

    Peace 

     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    Ache,
    Just one "sour note" - I don't like the way you picture one of our nicest, friendliest, most low keyed and caring friends of ours on the Chat forum. How in the world did you get such a nasty picture of her in your head?  - Pingo
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from AcheNot. Show AcheNot's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    I cant help it, pingo

    As I said the other day, every time I read a post by that woman, the voice of Aunt Bea of the old Andy Griffith Show k-boings around in my head. I could have posted a more pleasant picture of the actress who played Aunt Bea (please see below), but that would have undermined the point I was trying to make



    PS I hope to meet you at the Gala on the Green. You will be attending on Saturday, I presume 
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    In Response to Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears:
    [QUOTE]Ache, Just one "sour note" - I don't like the way you picture one of our nicest, friendliest, most low keyed and caring friends of ours on the Chat forum. How in the world did you get such a nasty picture of her in your head?  - Pingo
    Posted by pingo[/QUOTE]

    That's a picture of Aunt Bea on the Andy Griffith Show - it was a joke, truly.

     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    I was aware of that, Kar.

    In Response to Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears : That's a picture of Aunt Bea on the Andy Griffith Show - it was a joke, truly.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    ---PS I hope to meet you at the Gala on the Green. You will be attending on Saturday, I presume---

    Ache, there may not be a Gala on the Green this Saturday. We are expecting the arrival of Irene. - Looks like it will be Friday/Saturday. - Pingo
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears

    In Response to Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears:
    [QUOTE]I was aware of that, Kar. In Response to Re: Turkey Relocater Disappears :
    Posted by pingo[/QUOTE]

    That's good.  Sorry, I was afraid it might go south.

     
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