Which would you prefer???????

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    In Response to Re: Which would you prefer???????:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Which would you prefer??????? : Roger, I wanna be adored.   :D
    Posted by yogafriend[/QUOTE]


    DONE!

    Smile
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    In Response to Re: Which would you prefer???????:
    [QUOTE]It is possible to be needed but not wanted (eg financially, or as an enabler to an addict etc). Needed does not imply love.  Definitely, wanted is better. 
    Posted by plasko[/QUOTE]

    Agreed! I think - IMHO - those who prefer to be needed "may" have greater emotional needs versus those that prefer to be wanted, as wanted somehow/someway validates a reciprocated love........
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    You're not addressing the puzzle piece phenonmenon vs the "needy"/codependent one.  What do you mean by "need?"  

    "I can only survive if I'm in a relationship with you," OR 

    "I'm a healthier, happier person in a relationship with you."

    To me, the first statement is needy/codependent and, therefore, detrimental.  The second is a healthy dose of needs being met.

    You don't hear of couples getting counseling because they don't meet each other's wants - it's when needs aren't being met that relationships go south.


     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    On the flipside, there are many overpowering people who like to dominate their partners. Do they come under "want"? ie they want to be wanted so much that they try and exclude their partners friends and family to fill as much "together time" as possible. 

    Is it "needy" to want to be "wanted"? LOL

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    In Response to Re: Which would you prefer???????:
    [QUOTE]On the flipside, there are many overpowering people who like to dominate their partners. Do they come under "want"? ie they want to be wanted so much that they try and exclude their partners friends and family to fill as much "together time" as possible.  Is it "needy" to want to be "wanted"? LOL
    Posted by plasko[/QUOTE]

    No, it's a personal preference
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    "You're not addressing the puzzle piece phenonmenon vs the "needy"/codependent one. What do you mean by "need?" 

    Need and needy are one in the same - cast in concrete!

    A need or needy person suffers from the delusion that if their SO isn't there for them they will surely die, be miserable, destitute, depressed, starve to death......blah, blah, blah

    Which would you prefer to be (1) wanted or (2) needed? PICK ONE OR THE OTHER! There is no #3 choice!

    What and why is that important to you?

    When you chose your SO was it because they represented what you "wanted" in a mate or what you "needed" in a mate?????

    Undecided
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    If you think having needs that can be met in a relationship and being "needy" are one in the same, my Honey and I are wanted.

    But, I maintain they are not the same.  I have a need to be respected.  That doesn't make me needy, for instance.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from yogafriend. Show yogafriend's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    In Response to Re: Which would you prefer???????:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Which would you prefer??????? : Agreed! I think - IMHO - those who prefer to be needed " may " have greater emotional needs versus those that prefer to be wanted, as wanted somehow/someway validates a reciprocated love........
    Posted by RogerTaylor[/QUOTE]

    Here's a quote (that I love) that is the essence of the whole convo: 
    "To be loved, be lovable."

    That's it.  Be lovable.   What if both members of a couple strived to be lovable as a way of life?  Get to know your partner enough to make him/her feel needed in the right ways, and wanted in the right ways.   Show how you need and want that person by being lovable in all you say and do.   Be true.  

    Chase him / her around the sofa until you've got one foot in the grave.   :D

    FLIRT your way through life with your loved one.  

    FLIRT FOREVER.  

    Are you with me, Roger?   :D

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    that works because people have a need to feel wanted...like plasko asks, does that make us all needy?  

    It's not "personal preference," imo - it's just a totally circular discussion.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    In Response to Re: Which would you prefer???????:
    [QUOTE]If you think a need and "needy" are one in the same, my Honey and I are wanted . But, I maintain they are not the same.  I have a need to be respected.  That doesn't make me needy, for instance.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    To be more specific -If given the choice what is the "primary" motivation in your relationship with your SO - needed? wanted?

    Are you looking for a mate that needs you?

    Are you looking for a mate that wants you?

    Needing to be respected in a relationship, agreed - but do you need a mate to survive your daily life? can you not function without your SO?
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    In Response to Re: Which would you prefer???????:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Which would you prefer??????? : Here's a quote (that I love) that is the essence of the whole convo:  "To be loved, be lovable." That's it.  Be lovable.   What if both members of a couple strived to be lovable as a way of life?  Get to know your partner enough to make him/her feel needed in the right ways, and wanted in the right ways.   Show how you need and want that person by being lovable in all you say and do.   Be true.   Chase him / her around the sofa until you've got one foot in the grave.   :D FLIRT your way through life with your loved one.   FLIRT FOREVER.   Are you with me, Roger?   :D
    Posted by yogafriend[/QUOTE]

    Agreed yoga - remember, they have pills like Viagra to help....there is NO pill for desire.................Wink


     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    Still circular.  You can't get around the differences between we all mean by needed, wanted, and codependent so the question is unanswerable in an apples to apples fashion. 
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from cb156. Show cb156's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    RT--I think you and Kar are arguing over the meaning of the word "need", more than any point about whether "needing" someone is, on its face, good or bad.
    Both "need" and "want" carry underlying meanings that are not always shared by everyone.
    For example, "need", as can be seen from most postings here, tends to carry the meaning "needy"--a generally negative emotional trait in a partner.  On the other hand, "want" I believe is associated with being desired (not just in a physical way)--a generally positive emotional trait in a partner.
    If need is looked at simply as a state defined as something that must occur to further an existence (akin to the need to eat, sleep, breathe), then it is very negative, and I certainly don't want to be involved in that kind of relationship.
    Do I "need" love?  In a way, yes.  But what I need is a love for myself (that is, I have to care enough about myself to do what is necessary to survive), while what I want is the love of others, and perhaps one particular person.
    There is, however, another way to define "need"--and that is as something that we feel would improve our life, to better ourselves.  In this way, one might say that they need more friends, or need to lose weight.  This, I think, is the definition that Kar is using.
    Personally, I subscribe to the first definition.  The second I think is more adequately described using the term "desire".
    I would also agree with others here that there are times when you really do need someone--there are things that can happen in life that can be so devastating that, at least in the short run, you are not capable of dealing with the consequences or even properly caring for yourself.  So, there may be times when you truly are needed, or when you truly need your partner.

    You can put me in the "wanted" camp.
    You and Kar need to agree on a definition of the terms "need" and "want" to further this discussion.  Right now you are just using the words without really understanding what each one of you means by them.

     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    In Response to Re: Which would you prefer???????:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Which would you prefer??????? : Agreed yoga - remember, they have pills like Viagra to help....there is NO pill for desire.................
    Posted by RogerTaylor[/QUOTE]

    Apparently they are indeed testing a pill for desire, for women who just cannot get turned on no matter what. Its some medical condition. But a pill is out there, if not quite on the shelves yet. Because women need to get turned on emotionally first, before physically, while for men its more of a physical thing so we are all set with Viagra and the like. 
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    Words defined - in concrete, No Bill Clintonisms' ...."it depends on what your defenition of the word is is"......lol

    NEEDED:

    to be needful or necessary

    be under necessity or obligation to

    WANTED:

    to have a strong desire for

    Remember you can't be "a little pregnant" you either are or your not.....same here needed or wanted, what is your primary choice?
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    In Response to Re: Which would you prefer???????:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Which would you prefer??????? : Apparently they are indeed testing a pill for desire, for women who just cannot get turned on no matter what. Its some medical condition. But a pill is out there, if not quite on the shelves yet. Because women need to get turned on emotionally first, before physically, while for men its more of a physical thing so we are all set with Viagra and the like. 
    Posted by plasko[/QUOTE]

    I found this article in the Wall Street Journal...."New Drug To Increase A Woman's Desire In A Male!"


















     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    In Response to Re: Which would you prefer???????:
    [QUOTE]Words defined - in concrete, No Bill Clintonisms' ...."it depends on what your defenition of the word is is"......lol NEEDED: to be needful or necessary be under necessity or obligation to WANTED: to have a strong desire for Remember you can't be "a little pregnant" you either are or your not.....same here needed or wanted, what is your primary choice?
    Posted by RogerTaylor[/QUOTE]

    This is ridiculous; it's why I asked if it were a trick question at the beginning of the discussion.  You can derive how I feel about it from what I've already said, semantics totally aside.  cb is right.  I believe the way you're trying to force the discussion to go doesn't make sense.

    A need in the strict definition you've put forth is food, clothing, and shelter.  So, in that case, every relationship and all the parts pertaining thereto are wants no matter how you feel (or what you know) about codependence.  This entire discussion is not worth having unless you widen the definition of need to mean something in addition to what is exactly necessary to support life on planet earth.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    It's what makes your response so interesting!

    Of all the responses you have yet to say needed or wanted, the closest you came to an answer was both!

    Why do I need to widen a definition? everyone responded to the question at face value....(nobody else asked if it was a "trick" question).

    As I stated - more than once - there is no right or wrong answer here yet you (and you alone) see a "trick" question....

    I think as we grow older we realize the importance of the person we are with versus their appearance and other superficial "things".  And as we get older and learn from our relationships we realize there are certain things/qualities/traits in a partner that become more relevant and important to us - being wanted makes me feel GREAT!  Being needed by someone - per the definition posted - would be exhausting and stifling in a relationship...IMHO

    You are a very intelligent person Kar and more often than not you force me to think in broader terms based on your post's.  Based on the question and the definitions of needed and wanted an answer should be an easy one - but you're not obligated.

    Peace
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    I did answer your narrow question.  I said that since you've defined need as food, shelter, and clothing (only what we need to survive on planet earth), that every romatically based relationship and everything pertaining to those relationships are wants.  So, it follows that I want to be wanted because to want to be needed in the strictest sense as you've defined it is essentially nonsensical.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from cb156. Show cb156's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    I am not certain that there is a truly adequate way to re-shape the question.
    I was thinking something along the lines of:
    What would you prefer:
    to be with someone that wants to be with you
    or
    to be with someone that has to be with you

    But I'm afraid even that carries too much of the same overtones of RT's original question.
    Kar, I agree that a strict definition of "need" as RT put forth makes discussion basically moot. I have, however, found this thread interesting in terms of how the personal differences on the understanding of the meaning of one word in a conversation can cause a lot of mis-communication--even in this group, which tends to be some of the more inquisitive and thoughtful people I've run into.  It seems a simple enough question, but unless everyone's on the same page with the meanings, some real issues can emerge.

     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    The thread is interesting, I agree, and I wish RT could read it and glean what he is looking for from it the way it is.  I think what he's looking for is in there, already.

    I also agree that the original question is moot the way it's been put forth - that's why I asked if it were a trick question from the very start because it was a psuedo-philosophical kickoff to a nonsensical discussion IF one defines "need" in extreme basic life terms as RT has.  The real philosophy of what he's getting at is already answered quite thoroughly imo, and it seems you agree, cb?
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    cb156 wrote: "But I'm afraid even that carries too much of the same overtones of RT's original question.
    Kar, I agree that a strict definition of "need" as RT put forth makes discussion basically moot."

    I respectfully disagree cb.  There is a minority of 1 that hasn't answered the question as asked - needed or wanted.

    If the question of discussion where "moot" how did the others here come to an answer?

    I agree cb, a "word" can make a world of difference as can a "stipulative" versus "dictionary" definition of that "word".
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from cb156. Show cb156's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    I do agree, Kar.  And I think that you have made it clear what your answer to the question is depending on the definition being used for "need".
    What you define as "need", is what I would call "desire".  But, I can understand your definitions, and your responses.
    All due respect to RT, IF we accept the definition of "need" as he has proposed, then this discussion would only become interesting if someone came on here and seriously said they prefer to be "needed" in that sense, and we had some exploration of that sentiment.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from cb156. Show cb156's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    Actually RT, I think Kar has answered the question.
    She has made it more than clear, at least to my reading of her responses, that given the sort of "basic existence" definition of "need" you put forth, that she would not be interested in that.
    kargiver

    "I can only survive if I'm in a relationship with you," OR


    "I'm a healthier, happier person in a relationship with you."


    To me, the first statement is needy/codependent and, therefore, detrimental.  The second is a healthy dose of needs being met.

    Just as one example.

    In fact, to play the role of devil's advocate myself, I would venture to argue that Kar is the only one that answered the question using both definitions of "need".

     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    Thank you so much, cb.  I feel like I'm talking into the wind with RT.  You are 100% correct; I've answered the question completely and in a number of ways, each qualified by the relevant definitions (including RT's extremely narrow version, in fact) of the words in question.  Argh.

    RT, I'm starting to believe you are skimming and jumping back in before you've put a lot of thought into what I've already said.
     

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