posted at 4/27/2008 11:00 AM EDT
DEAR ABBY: A friend and I attended a bridal shower of a friend'sdaughter. After the young woman opened her gifts, we were escorted toanother room where blank note cards were strewn on a coffee table,surrounded by envelopes and stamps. The hostess instructed us to writeon these folded cards our names and what we had given the bride-to-be.
The hostess told us to write: "Dear Mary (using our own names, ofcourse), Thank you for the nice afghan" (or whatever we hadgiven), and place the card in one of the envelopes. We were then toldto address and stamp the envelopes, but not to seal them so (I assume)the "too busy" bride-to-be could sign her name.
As I foolishly followed these ridiculous instructions, I was temptedto thank myself for the 30-minute drive I had made in each directionto purchase a gift, and the 45-minute drive I made to attend theshower.
How stupid are we going to feel when the "thank-yous," inour own handwriting, show up in the mail? My son says I should refusethe letter.
And do you want to know the "topper"? I asked thebride-to-be before leaving when her wedding was. Get this -- it's intwo days. I am not even invited to the wedding!
What's wrong with this generation? Please shed some light on this.Thanks, Abby. I feel better now that I've vented -- stupid, butbetter. -- FEELING USED IN KANSAS
DEAR FEELING USED: Nothing is wrong with "this generation."What you have described is a family that never learned basic goodmanners. Rather than an "afghan" -- or whatever your giftwas -- the bride-to-be would have been better served to have receiveda book on etiquette.
posted at 4/27/2008 11:28 AM EDT
this can't be true... can it?� i mean come on that's really bad!� :)
posted at 4/27/2008 12:17 PM EDT
The MOH in a wedding I was in over a year ago sent me an email that said the following:Ralph,We're going to have everyone at Bride's shower address their own thank you envelope since she'll be so busy with wedding stuff afterwards.� Then, we'll pick one of the envelopes and give a prize.� Talk to you soon...don't you love the dress she picked?xoxoMOHThank God I had been on these boards and saw that this was uber tacky or I might have let her do that...I wrote backMOH,Hi.� I'm sorry, but it is actually considered rude to ask guests to address their own thank you's and I know that Bride would be mortified if we had people do that at her shower.� Sorry!� Oh yes, I love the dress (I f'ing hated that thing..it was awful pink, I looked like a heffalump)xoxoRalphCrisis averted..but it does happen.�
posted at 4/27/2008 1:08 PM EDT
Hi greenie, I somehow feel, this was a made-up letter to Abby. I justcan't believe it really happened. But if this really happened, and ifthe guests follow instructions like these, they should have their headsexamined.
posted at 4/28/2008 7:18 AM EDT
I will just repeat here what I said on the Miss Manners webpage.� Its hard to believe if these stories are true or not, or just someone's horrible fantasy about what is coming next.I would write my note to the bride, instructing her on proper etiquette, since her mother or who ever raised her has clearly neglected her/his duties.� In fact, I would probably address a second note to that person.I for one, am starting to think that this anachronism, the bridal shower, should go away.� By its very nature (or the way people have started to think of it), a party whose soul purpose is gift giving is not polite.� Anyway, the bride and groom are now routinely "showered" with gifts at their weddings, making the shower unnecessary.� I know this is never going to happen, because what ever you do, this custom rises like the phoenix out of the ashes, usually in a new, even more etiquette challenged version.
posted at 4/28/2008 8:33 AM EDT
I ran into the second etiquette no-no that was described in the scenario.Cousins and friends of FMIL were invited to the shower and then later added to the wedding guest list!!!� One of her cousins that attended my shower called FMIL after the shower asking where her wedding invite was.� So, FMIL called me to "resend" her invite.� I told FMIL that I never sent one because she wasn't on the guest list!� FMIL: "Well, she was on the shower list and the shower list came from the wedding list".� Me:� "Well, there were a few people at the shower that were not on the guest list when I handed it over to my MOH, so you must have added them after the fact".I was peeved that she invited people to the shower that were not on the guest list.� So, I ended up having to invite 3 additional couples to the wedding because of this!
posted at 4/28/2008 1:04 PM EDT
Ash, I totally would have done the same thing - used it to write an etiquette lesson.� Maybe not the most gracious response, but what else can one be expected�do in that situation???
posted at 4/28/2008 1:58 PM EDT
Oh, jag - how rude! I would have stuck to my guns and not invited tem.This would be your MIL's problem - not yours. Think you are a lotnicer, than I am.
We once went to a cookout and a MIL started to invite everyone and allto her son's wedding, wich were taking place 3 weeks later. Of coursewe didn't go. I never understood, how some people can be so clueless.
And how is Mom doing?
posted at 4/28/2008 1:58 PM EDT
I would have just not filled it out because I wouldn't know if it was the bride's idea or not.� Heck the bride may be mortified by what was done her behalf remember it was the hostess that was ushering people in to write the cards not the bride to from the Dear Abby story.
posted at 4/28/2008 4:07 PM EDT
Pingo,� I think with her cousin, she forgot to put her on the guest list, but other two couples, long time friends, she was unsure because she wasn't invited to their children's wedding.� At least she put them on the guest list before the invites went out!Mom is doing much better.� She is moving to a rehab facility this week that will have wean her off the vent.� I'm just so glad that she will be out of ICU after 4 long weeks!� She has been doing excerises off the vent, but still can't talk to us.� But it is good to see her awake.� It is baby steps to her recovery but at least we are heading in the right direction.
posted at 4/28/2008 4:38 PM EDT
Hi jag, so happy to hear that. If your mom is going into rehab, maybeshe will still be able to be part of your wedding. That would be sowonderful for you.� She may not be able to do the chicken dance,but hopefully she will be able to be present at the ceremony. I amcrossing my fingers for both you and your mom.
posted at 4/29/2008 2:01 PM EDT
Abby is way off the mark on this one.Nowhere in the letter does it say that the hostesses of the shower were related to the bride or that the bride�had anything to do with the planning of the shower.� Obviously the hostesses didn't get the wedding guest list from the bride, and you can't assume that sheknew anything about the "write your own thank you" nightmare.In this case, the hostess(es) should be blamed for the total breaches of etiquette.� The bride is innocent until proven guilty.��
posted at 4/30/2008 10:55 AM EDT
Hi jag,great news about your mom!! i told you about my situation with my dad previously and thought i could add a little more to your current situation. my dad went to rehab after waking from his coma (after 6 or 7 weeks...can't remember exactly because it was in 97!) but rehab (it was braintree hospital then) was amazing! he was walking and talking with 2 weeks and home after�4 or 5 weeks there. it was simply astonishing how far they brought him in such a short time! He was still a little out of it (told us we had to move because out little 90 year old widowed neighbor was� a crack dealer!...turns out there was some story on the news and he turned it into "our story") but he made enourmous strides with the rehab dr's and nurses. i hope your mom recovers fully and speedily!best of luck!
posted at 4/30/2008 11:00 AM EDT
Thanks for the support.� I have to say, last week I really thought she definetly would not be at the wedding.� This week I am so optimistic.� I know in rehab that they will really work with her and that she will be much better in no time!
posted at 4/30/2008 2:48 PM EDT
As my dad says "Prepare for the worst, but wish for the best".
posted at 5/1/2008 8:13 AM EDT
What I meant, when I said "being a part of your wedding" - was that ifyour mom� is doing well in rehab, maybe she will be able to bewheeled in and at least attend your ceremony. Hoping for the best - P