Future MIL Involvement - How?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from smithie02. Show smithie02's posts

    Future MIL Involvement - How?

    Hi ladies,

    I am a fairly new poster and you have been really helpful with other ideas. I've also read for a long time here and am hoping you can provide me with some suggestions. I'm struggling a little bit on how to involve my FMIL in the planning. I am naive on how to deal with this and am hoping for some advice. Short background:

    FI and I live here, my Mom lives here and we are getting married on the Cape next September. My Mom doesn't care to be too involved. She comes along when I ask her but she has a lot on her plate and doesn't really want to spend her weekends planning a wedding. I understand that and appreciate her hands off approach. I am a self confessed control freak. I am used to doing everything myself and knowing the status of certain projects.

    My FMIL keeps repeating that she wants to be involved. She lives near DC. They don't come up here all that often. We have been updating FMIL and FFIL when we have tastings and reporting back, showed them tents, I've updated her on shopping expeditions and have sent her photos of dresses etc.

    We are having a really low key wedding. No favors, more of an upscale BBQ, no rehearsal dinner, rather a cocktail hour the night before the wedding. Does anyone have any advice on how to involve her more? I just don't see that many tasks that can be delefated - but I've never done this before!!

  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from wendy98. Show wendy98's posts

    Future MIL Involvement - How?

    I think you are stuck on this one, if she lives in DC, there really isn't much she can do. I was going to say get her in on the favors but since you stated that you are not having them I think I am all tapped out.

    I would remind her that you are not having favors etc, and that being involved means that she is up here to actually see venues etc. And then gently ask her based on the distance, how would she like to be involved. Stress that you love giving her updates and letting her know where you are in the details etc.

    Could you go dress shopping with her? Ask her if she wanted to come up for a weekend for that? I went with my FMIL on my second dress shopping experience, it was just the two of us and I found my dress. I went back a few weeks later with my Mom (whom lives out of state) and tried it on again and then bought it.
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from smithie02. Show smithie02's posts

    Future MIL Involvement - How?

    She wants to be involved and keeps stressing that to my FI. I sort of prefer to just take care of things myself because that is how I always have, although I realize that might be overwhelming and I will need help with certain things.

    I guess that my question is more that with the distance and the fact that she and my FI and I have VERY different concepts of a wedding (she envisioned a church and hotel reception and seems to be boggled by our outdoor, low key plans) I am just stuck on how to involve her. I worry that things may spin out of control very quickly. And yes again, I am a control freak, I know, I know.

  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from clm77. Show clm77's posts

    Future MIL Involvement - How?

    Ask her, or better yet, have your fiance ask her, what kind of tasks she would like to help with. Maybe she'd like to do some favors, or ceremony programs... or perhaps bathroom baskets could be hers to create. Things like that. Even if you weren't planning to do some things but your FMIL would like to take them on as solely her tasks and it will make her feel good/involved, then it certainly won't hurt to let her, even if these ideas don't perfectly jive with your wedding vision. As all of us old-married-hags will tell you, all the details are nice, and the big day is really great, but once it's over, most of the specifics do not matter in the least. Sooo, for example, even if you never envisioned having favors, but your FMIL wants to put them together, just let her. It won't significantly change your day but it will make her happy and benefit your relationship.

    Editing to add- I didn't significantly involve my MIL at all, partially because I'm a do-everything-myself kind of girl, partially because I'm my mother's only child and only wanted to tell her about everything, partially because my MIL is super sweet but kind of wears me out, and partially because I have a SIL who will someday get married so I know MIL will have a wedding to be intimately involved in. What my MIL did, however, was throw me a really nice shower in their area with their family & friends that she and my SIL planned all by themselves. I know she really enjoyed that and was proud to have put it on. Is that something your FMIL would be interested in?

  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from lib2007. Show lib2007's posts

    Future MIL Involvement - How?

    The invites were really time consuming for us.

    Other things: maybe just add a few "extras" if only to give her something to do? Like a photo table-see if she can come up w/ some old family photos to display. Ask her if she'd like to assemble guest bags for at the hotel. See if there are any family/cultural traditions to try to incorporate into the ceremony/reception?

  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from sunshinemrs. Show sunshinemrs's posts

    Future MIL Involvement - How?

    I like the suggestions of some of the PP. If you passed along to her decorations for the cocktail hour or favors or bathroom baskets that you weren't planning on doing, then if she flakes and doesn't get them done in time it's no big deal because you weren't going to do them anyway.

    Also, what about her picking out the guest book or the unity candle or the cake cutters, those small details that it is nice not to have to worry about?

  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from smithie02. Show smithie02's posts

    Future MIL Involvement - How?

    The suggestions to give her something we weren't planning on doing are great. I'm thinking maybe I can give her the task of printing up the seating cards and then we can add the table numbers afterwards. Stuff like that.

    Thanks everybody! Please keep suggestions coming!

  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from sunshine2008. Show sunshine2008's posts

    Future MIL Involvement - How?

    Smithie, I agree with you on the hesitancy on giving her the responsibility on teh invitations. I see soooooooo many posts/threads to invitation issues and it's almost always mentioned that the problem could of occurred when either mothers/relatives made the accident.

    Although I usually agree with you CT... But I have to say that the original poster has openly admitted that she may be a slight control freak, so first off I think we should appreciate her honesty. and As myself being honest...I do not think I would EVER send my invitations to DC to have them assembled and addressed to only mail back up this way. Especially by someone who will most probably not recognize at least 50% of the names and mispellings can occurr etc.....

    And I am not sure who suggested going dress shopping as a way to get to know one another better.... I don't think you could pay me to go dress shopping with some one I didn't know well.

    I think the idea of letting the FMIL do favors or something the bride wasn't passionate about anyways will most probably be the best solution for this person and FMIL.

    I will also add that maybe for an additional idea of another thread going on.. the FMIL can help in putting together a formal collage or album or just some nice frames to place at the guest book or placecards for teh reception. As this reception is more casual anyways.. I think the guests would get a kick seeing photos of teh bride and groom as children as they seat themselves.... and I am sure FMIl will be happy to provide and organize pics of her son on his wedding day.

  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from tinshee. Show tinshee's posts

    Future MIL Involvement - How?

    I think the MOG can feel really left out in the planning... someone else said something similar, but just keeping her "in the loop" might relieve some of the pressure she's putting on your fiance to be involved.

    I made sure to send my MIL lots of emails (she's also out of state) about wedding stuff as it came up. I sent her a picture of my dress. I sent her pictures of the bridesmaids dresses. I sent her pictures of our rings. It made her feel like she knew what was going on out here and not so removed from the whole process.

    It might not make a difference if your FMIL really just wants to DO something, but it might make her feel more in the loop and take some of the pressure off...

  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from smithie02. Show smithie02's posts

    Future MIL Involvement - How?

    You all have hit the nail on the head, I feel like I have to come up with things for her to do. We aren't getting married for more than a year. There may be plenty for her to do this time next year, but right now there just isn't.

    I have been sending her emails at least twice a week. Called her when I bought my dress, sent her pictures of the dress, we've filled her in after our first tasting and I know my FI has been filling her in. They came up around the 4th and we took them to the venue, ate at a bunch of restaurants/bars we are thinking of having cocktails at and took them around to motels to show them where guests have options of staying. Aside from creating jobs, I guess I just don't know what else to do?

    I mean is this a normal level of involvement for MOGs? She has two boys, her other son has said he will not be having a wedding, so she feels we are it for her and she wants to do as much as she can....but in the meantime it is causing me massive stress!

  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from sunshinemrs. Show sunshinemrs's posts

    Future MIL Involvement - How?

    Oh my goodness, if you have 1 year still to go, I would tell her "Thanks so much for wanting to help me, right now we are in the calm before the storm. I'll let you know if anything comes up but I don't expect to have much to do until 3 months before, why don't we talk about it then?"

    At about 3 months out, there seems to be a million things to do no matter how organized you are or how pared down your wedding is. At that point you might have a better idea of what or if you have anything you want to off-load on her.

  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from smithie02. Show smithie02's posts

    Future MIL Involvement - How?

    That is what I thought! But she is making me and my FI crazy! Especially me. I was starting to think I am a horrible person. Thanks for making me feel otherwise!