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Poll: FI help?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from tinshee. Show tinshee's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    My husband did very little- and he's the first to admit that. He did most of the logistics for the honeymoon (through a travel agent), dealt with the tuxes, looked at venues with me, visited the photographer (after I did all the research), picked out wedding rings with me, and went to the cake tasting. Oh- he also exclusively dealt with his parents, which was a big one.

    I hated all of the planning and was really stressed out and I think because of that he did feel a little guilty that I did most of the planning... but that didn't result in any more effort from his end.

    We ultimately had a lovely wedding and I'm happy with the way it turned out. But it's not something I would ever want to do again.

  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from greenclown. Show greenclown's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    I don't think it's unreasonable to want 50/50.

    My FI has definitely tried to make an effort, but I will say I've done pretty much all the leg work on vendors, and then he gives me his opinion on what I find. This arrangement has nothing to do with our genders, and everything to do with the fact that I'm a control freak.

  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from clm77. Show clm77's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    Whenever I hear things like this, I always wonder- if neither of you want to do the work, why are you having a wedding that requires it?

    My husband and I contributed to our wedding planning to the extent that we cared about things. I cared about everything, so I had part in pretty much everything. Mostly he listened to me talk about everything and made the appropriate noises at the appropriate time. He gave opinions for what interested him, and did the work for the few things he really wanted. I imagine that this is the reason your husband said what he said... I wouldn't take it as an insult or that he doesn't consider you an equal, but that it's _generally_ the case that the women care 99.9% more about the wedding than the guy does. Being partners doesn't always mean 50/50, and nor should it. This weekend my husband spent over two hours blowing leaves around our yard while I watched the race, because he cares about doing that and I do not in the least. I helped him out for the last 30 minutes or so because he needed me. It wasn't split 50/50 but it was split just right. On my end, I do all the laundry because I care about having my things done just so. He'll fold the towels if I ask him to though. Again, not 50/50 but just right.

  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from clm77. Show clm77's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    how did you keep from getting bitter that you had to go through it all & he didn't.

    I'm not quite sure what she'll say, but I know the answer:

    Wine, good friends, and drugs (legal drugs) ;)

  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    Holy cow! Sounds like this came out of the blue!

    Regardless of whether the groom gets involved a little or a lot, I think most brides know what to expect going into it, and that's the important thing....

    It sounds like you were pretty surprised to hear the "it's women's work" comment.

    By the way, it doesn't sound like he's done 1/ sounds like he's done 1%.

    I do think it's reasonable for there to be a conflict when both of you have "assumed" what will happen -- you assume it will be 50-50 and he assumes it's your job.

    But, the big question is, now that you've said what you want, what is he going to do about it.

    And ... more importantly, what other things does he feel are the woman's role? Childcare, household chores, cooking, finances, etc.

    It's great to find this out now so that you can figure out how to compromise, etc. Good luck!

  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from julper. Show julper's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    I also think of myself and DH as an equal partnership. But that doesn't mean we do all things equally. We do the things we care about more. For example I don't care about my car at all so he makes sure it doesn't break down due to lack of care! And I always clean the bathrooms because I care more about using a clean bathroom.

    Wedding planning can be one of those things that you care more about. You both know it needs to get done but it's just not his number one priority.

    We did fight a little over the allocation of jobs that needed to get done to plan the wedding. We had an almost 2 year engagement and I think he wanted to procrastinate the whole process until 1 month before the wedding, but obviously I knew we couldn't do it that way. So I did the research for most things that had to be booked in advance. He wanted input but didn't do much of the legwork. That was okay with me because at the time he was in school and I was not as busy. When the wedding got closer he did as much as I did. We both rushed around finishing up final arrangements in the weeks before the wedding.

    I'm sure it will all work out. If you really don't have time to do something that MUST get done NOW, then try to enlist his help, and if he refuses, find someone else. Maybe your mom, his mom, or your MOH would be willing to make a few phone calls and help you reach your decisions. Good luck! And remember all the wonderful things that your FI DOES do that made you fall in love with him!

  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from tinshee. Show tinshee's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    He he he. It helped that clm77 was planning hers at the same time! I got lots of tips from her... And of course these boards helped tremendously too.

    We talked about eloping. We talked about having a very small, immediate family wedding only. The issue was family expectations. He's an only child, I knew my mom really wanted me to have a wedding- we had to make a choice. So we decided to do the whole she-bang, although we kept it to 100 people.

    I kept things as simple as possible. We got married at a hotel, which narrowed a lot of stuff down- they used specific vendors for some things and it also gave us a day-of coordinator as part of our package.

    I got to a point where I had to remind myself that if I stopped all the planning, we were still going to get married. I scaled down my favors idea. I had very basic cake and centerpieces. The stuff I put the most work into were the parts I enjoyed.

    The parts he participated in I had to tell him to do... but he did them. I basically put the honeymoon in his hands, and so he did that part. You might have to give your fiancee certain jobs. "I need you to do this for the wedding..."

    Two weeks before our wedding we had a stupid fight (one of few we've had ever) about I don't even remember what. But I ended up hysterically crying in the middle of Harvard Square saying "I feel like I'm doing all the planning for the wedding and that I'm planning MY wedding not OUR wedding." My husband said "Well, sweetie- you shouldn't feel like you are doing all of the planning because you are doing all of the planning." He definitely appreciated what I was doing (even if he needed to be reminded sometimes that I was doing so much) and was at least emotionally supportive...

    Seeing my very reserved husband grinning and dancing all night at our wedding ended up being a very sweet reward for all the work I put into the wedding. We both have wonderful memories of that night and everything worked out beautifully.

  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from carolyn1104. Show carolyn1104's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    I think the relevant question has already been asked. If neither of you want to do the work, why have a big wedding?

    To answer your question, we had a big wedding but DH helped with just about every step. Not the dress, but I actually wished he had been there for that (in a strange way). There wasn't a single time that I wished I had more of his help. He really wanted the wedding too and so he helped. Invites, guest lists, favors, lists, ideas, all of it. It was our wedding, so we planned it.

  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from wendy98. Show wendy98's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    I had done a lot of pre planning prior to him popping the question and even showed him stuff I was working on.

    After he actually proposed he and I sat down and discussed how much I expected him to participate and how much did he think he should participate. To be quite honest I am a bit of a control freak and have been dreaming of my wedding since almost forever, him for about a couple of mothings and I would call it thinking and not dreaming.

    He had one area that he wanted a ton of input on and that was the DJ because he is really into his music. I had already started a list based on these boards and handed it to him and said go to it. He booked appointments with people to meet and I showed up with him and then we made the decision.

    For the rest of it I pretty much came up with lists of my three favorite vendors/colors/ or whatever and presented them to him. If he didn't care I went with my first choice. He didn't care about colors or anything because he is colorblind, I tell him everything is blue :) and for flowers I asked him about them, his response was yes I want them. He did visit one florist with me and was so overwhelmed he opted out of the rest.

    So yes I did or am doing the lion share of the planning and herding but he is there to support me. Whenever I start to freak out he calms me down and puts things in perspective, which for me is worth so much more than him helping. He also picked up the slack around the house while I as elbow deep in the research phase. Now that everything is booked it is the calm before the storm starts up again.

    There is a one guy that has posted on here once or twice and it seems that he and his girl are planning things 50/50 so it is not unheard of. Talk to your guy again because your job is important and this wedding is about the two of you. If planning it on your own is not your dream then speak up and discuss how he can help you, or hire a planner to take the stress off you.

    Best of luck to you, planning should be fun not stress.
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from tinshee. Show tinshee's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    Maybe you need to rethink the big wedding idea? I don't know if the two of you chose that because either or both of you wanted it, or if it has more to do with family expectations like in my case... but I know we SERIOUSLY considered either eloping, a destination wedding, or a small affair... it was a lot of discussion between the two of us that got us to the big-wedding plan... once we mutually decided that was what was best for us, I kind of had to suck it up and do the parts that sucked... luckily, we only had a 6 month engagement from ring to alter.

    Is this 200 person affair set in stone? Is it something you can scale down or change the plan completely? Do you have a long engagement ahead of you? I think a lot of those things are important parts of how you will feel about it...

  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from carolyn1104. Show carolyn1104's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    I think that's something you have to ask him, if you both want a big wedding. From what you've said here, it doesn't sound like it is a priority to him or something he wants.

  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from tinshee. Show tinshee's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    Also, if I do that, will I be disappointed in the long run? That I should have just sucked it up & been stressed in order to have all the friends & family there?

    That was definitely something I thought about as well...

    Here's another question (that you don't have to answer for me, of course, but something to think about yourself...)- will your budget accommodate a wedding planner? If you can afford it, it might take some of the stress off of you. If not, is there someone else who can help? Your mom, your FMIL, your MOH was a GREAT help to me, even helping with some of the venue research and going dress shopping with me. My mom did my invitations. If there are others willing to help, it might make things easier on you...

  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from deebs620. Show deebs620's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    Well I know you already put at big deposit down so my comment probably wont' matter but I think that for someone who knows that they will get stressed easily from wedding planning, the best way to go is doing a venue that has a lot of stuff included in the package. I know that I didn't not want to be stressed with dealing with a bunch of different vendors so I chose a place that included almost everything in the package. Photography, DJ, band, food, cake, invitation. This makes it a lot easier because usually you will have say three choices for a band and you go to one place listen to them and choose one. It is just a lot easier having your options already cut down for you to 2-3.

    Anyways if it is that bad maybe that is something to consider? Either way good luck!
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from carolyn1104. Show carolyn1104's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    I hope you don't mind my candor here, but if this input from FI has really blindsided you, and this wedding really is desired by more than just you, I do not suggest you just continue to plan a wedding and ignore it. Expectations are a very real part of marriage... not just planning the wedding.

    I personally feel that the way DH and I make decisions now (married just over a year) are a good indicator of how we'll proceed as a married couple. If we decided to have any kind of party and he just assumed I'd take care of it, we'd have a problem. And it sounds like that's how you feel about this. So don't do the woman routine. Don't swallow it and just go on your merry way planning a wedding. Address it full on now. Have a discussion and come to a conclusion together. $3000 is a lot of money, but it's not worth hurting your relationship over it.

    I also think that the suggestion of a wedding planner is good, but the underlying discussion should still happen, in my honest opinion.

  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from foolforfood. Show foolforfood's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    Butterfly, I think I have the exact opposite problem as you. My FI started to buy wedding mags months before he actually proposed! This may sound cute, but it gets worse.

    Ever since the proposal, he's been the one actively researching vendors. We've had many arguments in regards to the wedding planning, because it's not only ONE bride that the vendors must please, it's TWO! Basically, coming to an agreement on things like linens and passed HDs requires an entire night of debate. It's tough, and sometimes I wish my FI was as passive as yours.

    At the end of the day, there's a big difference between FI not participating because he thinks a wedding is a girly thing vs. not participating becuase he does not care about you or the wedding. I'm assuming he fits the former description.

    Good luck - men will be men, so what can you do?

  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from carolyn1104. Show carolyn1104's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    But what's typical? Is it typical because planning a wedding is not socially "male" or because it's not expected of them?

    I definitely do not want to get into a discussion here about masculinity and wedding planning, but aren't we all letting the men in our lives off the hook by not specifically seeking out their help and not accepting no as an answer? Doesn't that then become, "he doesn't clean because I clean better?" Or, "I take care of the kids because I'm better at it?" I think this becomes a slippery slope.

    Please all, don't misunderstand. I am not saying that those of you who didn't have help from your husbands have some inferior marriage or bond.

    I'm only saying to OP that if you want to effect change in your husband's perception about getting things done, now is the time. I personally don't think you're reading too much into this. When DH proposed we discussed expectations ahead of time and it was clear that he never expected me to plan the whole wedding. I don't think that makes him "metro," I think it makes him a catch.

  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from deebs620. Show deebs620's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    I think you are reading too much into it...but you know best. Planning a wedding is different then if he will help with the kids or the cooking or cleaning. You can't blame him for not wanting to help with the wedding when you don't want to do it either. I agree with other posters that you shouldn't have the huge wedding if you don't want it that bad. Or maybe it will help to do it together on the weekends when you have time off?

    Does he help cook or clean? As long as he does his share now and he respects you then there is nothing else you can do but trust he'll do his share when you are married too.
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from julper. Show julper's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    I think you have over generalized here: not all guys suck at wedding planning, and not all guys make great life partners. :-D

    what matters in the long run is how your FI treats you and how the two of you communicate. If you think he's being unreasonable for wanting you to do all the wedding planning, then you have to be able to have a productive conversation about that. When you say, "The only reason I agreed to have a big wedding is because I thought you would contribute 50% of the planning..." then he should be able to come up with some sort of compromise, or you should have another discussion about whether the two of you REALLY want the big wedding.

    You should be open to non 50-50 arrangements. You said you live together so maybe he could do more for the household type stuff? For example what if he does all the laundry and all the dishes or something? That saves you a lot of time, which you could spend researching vendors etc.

    There are also a lot of things you can go without, even if you're having a big wedding I wanted a stress-free planning process. Well it wasn't stress -free but I was able to just say "I don't care if we have bubbles or anything else thrown at us when we walk out of the church, so if we're going to have those, someone else can take care of it." I also wanted to go without favors (got outvoted) but we picked those out together.

  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from tinshee. Show tinshee's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    I don't think you should necessarily take wedding planning as in indicator of future shared responsibilities... though you may want to nail down what else he sees as "womens' work" (esp if you plan to have kids...)

    Despite his lack of attention to wedding planning, in our year of marriage my husband has very much worked with me as a team. Decisions are made together, we have the split of household tasks down pretty well, and most importantly in dealing with others (especially family matters) we approach it as a unified front...

    It sounds like you've spoken to your FI about this, but is it clear to him how upset you are by this? Does he realize that for you it feels like a big deal? Sometimes I think we think our partners know to what level we are feeling things, but it turns out it is not always clear to them...

  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from rhm327. Show rhm327's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    Boy, look what happens while I'm at lunch! I didn't have time to read the rest of the posts, but DH was surprisingly involved in the wedding planning. He really felt like the wedding was a celebration of both of us so he wanted to help in picking the invitations, venue, band...just about everything except the BM dresses and their color (he just said "no pink"). He even wanted to see the flowers and picked his own special boutineer, even though he admitted he didn't know too much about them. Sometimes I found it frustrating because he can way-overanalyze things and he likes to take longer on some things than I do, but overall, I realized I was lucky that I found someone who truly wanted our life together to be a partnership (yes, it's corny and sappy, but true).

  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from clm77. Show clm77's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    but aren't we all letting the men in our lives off the hook by not specifically seeking out their help and not accepting no as an answer?

    What you're proposing seems a slightly better worded synonym for making demands, which tends to lead to resentment, not equality, no?

  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from carolyn1104. Show carolyn1104's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    No, absolutely not. I think making a demand in your marriage is the worst thing you could do. I must have not written my thought precisely.

    What I mean is, if it is a wedding for the two of you, but only one of you wants to do the work, there's a choice to be made. Do you just do the work and risk sending the message that in the future when there's a task to be done, you'll just take care of it? Or, do you explain to your partner that while you respect their decision to "not help" that you'll follow suit? I don't think it's right to hand your FI a laundry list of things he "must do" to help plan the wedding. But I also don't think it should be the job of just one person. OP has made it sound as if her FI expects to do next to nothing for an event for the both of them.

    I agree with you, making demands only lends itself to resentment. But there's a difference between saying, he doesn't want to help and he can't help because wedding planning is a girl thing. I don't see what's so feminine about a party that includes food and celebration that lends itself only to women planning it. That was the point I was trying to make. Does that clear it up?

  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    I don't get the feeling that butterphly doesn't want to do the wedding's more along the lines that she's working a lot more hours and has asked for his help and she's still not getting it.

    Maybe he needs a little more direction and instead of saying "check out limo companies" she needs to discuss or explain how many/what kind of limos they need, the timing, etc. and then ask him to call 4 companies and check availability, get estimates.

    If he still won't do it, then I'd be pretty worried....

    Are you getting married in NYC or up here? If here, just tell your FI to create his log-in name and jump on board -- we can help out.

    PS - Call me cynical, but he says the wedding planning is women's work but diapering isn't? I'd be a little nervous!

  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from laryan. Show laryan's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    DH & i were 50-50 in terms of wedding planning and paying. no, you aren't being unreasonable in expecting him to contribute to the household chores, either. let him know that you're going to be his wife, not his mom, and its time to grow up....this is 2007, not 1947.

    DH & i share the household chores!

  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Poll: FI help?

    Where is your Mother? Why are you doing this on your own?

    I checked in with my husband, he agreed - "real men don't plan weddings."

    I do think it is unreasonable to ask someone who is not interested in event planning to take on a formal wedding. We all have our strengths and your future husband doesn't have the wedding planning gene. You probably wouldn't want him if he did.

    If he is useless in the kitchen, do you still make him cook half the meals? If you can't swing a hammer, do you still have to do half the house repairs? If he has never seen a green plant, do you make him do half the gardening? I wouldn't let my husband anywhere near some of the household chores, such as setting the table - and he wouldn't let me near the computer set up.

    Another idea - if you don't have time to plan a large formal wedding, don't have one. Plan something more simple. Forget the cake tasting and DJ auditions - find an event hall on line that has a whole 'package' and let them do the work.

    Or call your Mom (Aunt, best friend, FMIL) and give her some power to make decisions.

    It's just a party - throughout your life, there will be others - Thanksgiving comes every single year!