I am writing this post to ask for advice not to get pity points.
Last month my fiancΘ was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer. Hehas started his chemotherapy treatment while he was in the hospital three weeksago. He will receive treatment for about 12 months.
After many conversations we have decided to postpone our wedding from this May08 to May 09. We were lucky enough to secure all the same vendors andsite. Everyone has been really flexible about this.
I am writing to see if anyone else out there is dealing with the same thing Iam going through right now.
posted at 12/28/2007 1:37 PM EST
posted at 12/28/2007 2:47 PM EST
I agree with Rapunzel and L&W. I would consider a ceremony now and a gigantic bash in May 09.
I wish you and your fiance the best through this difficult time.
posted at 12/28/2007 3:11 PM EST
I'm inclined to agree with the others, as his wife you will have access to him in the hospital, and be permitted to make business and medical decisions with him.
However, if a quicky legal marriage - with a party later (with two reasons to celebrate) is something you decide to do, I would strongly encourage you both to sit down with your families and discuss the situation honestly before making any final decisions and make sure your FI is very clear that this is his choice and he trusts your judgement.
A friend of mine had big bash wedding, and her husband had a brain anuerysm on their honeymoon. While they were legally married, her husband's family second guessed her every move, overruled her medical decisions and tried to shut her out completely. It generally added a huge amount of stress to an already very difficult situation. Luckily, he made a full recovery. The marriage however, never recovered.
posted at 12/28/2007 3:44 PM EST
first - sorry for this bump in the road. It will be hard on both of you.
second - I do have a family member going through cancer therapy now - it sucks.
third - what is his progosis? (for all the other posters, be aware, cancer therapy does not always mean fighting for your life. If the cancer is diagnosed early, therapy can mean a crappy few months followed by health. I think you are all assuming he is close to death.)
fourth - if he is really sick and you do not know the prognosis - you may want to listen to Loveandwar - she had a similar issue and got married quickly and loved every moment of her wedding.
posted at 12/28/2007 4:01 PM EST
you're right - there is more to it.
and important for them to think about.
posted at 12/28/2007 9:09 PM EST
hi, rare poster here. i am sorry to hear this news. i cannot comment as a bride in a similar situation, but i do have two family members that have had cancer. i would say that it definitely makes sense that you are postponing the reception aspect of the wedding until later. energy wise and health wise (it is not safe for someone undergoing chemotherapy to be around that many people due to low WBC) it just makes sense. plus you will be able to enjoy it later! as far as the ceremony itself, other posters have made good points baout the legal/financial considerations.
i guess i would say it really depends on the prognosis. there are many different kinds of cancers. most treatments last 6-9 months of chemo/radiation depending on type/stage, so 12 months is kinda long. just be aware that there are also side effects that last longer than the treatment, and the side effects are usually worse the longer you go on. it's not like you finish, and you feel better immediately. it takes awhile. i'm not trying to bring you down - you have a team of specialists who are experts.
i guess the point i am trying to make is also how a person handles it mentally really depends on the individual - and this is heightened when there is an impending marriage/talk about the future. my brother was diagnosed in his early 30's, but he had an amazingly strong, positive perspective about it. he actually says he had FUN the year he was in treatment. how many people can say that? on the other hand, my mother had a very different attitude about her cancer experience - she is in her mid-50's and pretty much hates talking about the future because she does not know how long she'll be around (i.e. if i say one day she'll be a grandmother, she'll get flustered and sad). both of them are healthy now, which is great. but it's all about the attitudes of the people involved, as people really behave differently in periods of stress. some are optimistic, some are not. i would combine his prognosis and mental outlook and let that guide your decisions. also, he may not be ready to get married now with so many things up in the air if he has a difficult prognosis. just a thought.
although i am not sure of the stage,etc. i just wanted to provide some positive outlook. people can get beyond serious health problems, and live happy lives...I have two examples! but it definitely does CHANGE life pretty much forever, and for that tough adjustment, I wish you well.
posted at 12/29/2007 9:30 AM EST
i have to agree with ihavemyhats. get a full view of the total picture before making any decisions. consult with both medical and legal resources as well. what is the diagnosis/prognosis? what are the treatment options? what are the risks? will you be allowed into his room to visit on a 24/7 basis if he is hospitalized?
medical issues can change at the blink of an eyelash.
posted at 12/29/2007 11:33 AM ESTHi,
I don't have too much new advice for you, but wanted to chime in. I don't know if anyone can be dealing with the same thing that you are, since, I'm sure you've heard a million times that everyone reacts differently to the diagnosis & treatment.
That being said, my fiance was diagnosed with melanoma in June & that put a halt to our plans until we moved past that (we had been planning May 08 as well). About a month after his all clear on the melanoma (Yay!!) he was diagnosed with lymphoma & will be in treatment until at least next June. Like others have said & you probably know, it's a long period of feeling crappy & waiting for it to get better. But it's going to get better. And we are looking to the wedding as a big "kicking cancer's butt" celebration for the whole family. It's good to have something to look forward to. But someone else mentioned that treatment is unpredictable & so we aren't actually going to book anything until we know he's ready & that includes his hair coming back. I think it's great that your vendors are being so flexible, that speaks well to their professionalism. But you may want to run this by the doctor's to see if May 09 is safe.
I think all of the posters have made great points, there are a lot of things you need to talk over with your fiance, which you have, but also getting professional opinions may help as well.
We had talked about getting married quietly for convenience. But since his prognosis is good & his doctors have been great about making sure I can be with him (they will call me his wife when that is what is required), we decided to wait it out. But we are both prepared to head to city hall if something changes. It king of bugs me that his mom is still his med proxy & emergency contact, but it's not likely to be an issue, as I am always with him. Depending on your situation, it may be something to seriously consider though.
Sorry for the long rant & sorry for the tough road you're on. But you aren't alone. If you ever need to vent, feel free to contact me! And if you're FI is getting treatment at boston medical, maybe I'll see you there! Best wishes to you both!