Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from foolforfood. Show foolforfood's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    I have a question for all you engaged or married ladies.

    FI and I live in NYC, FI's parents live in NJ and my parents live in Boston. This is the second holiday season we are sharing together as an engaged couple. Last year, we spent Thanksgiving AND XMAS with his parents (my parents were supposed to drive down to NJ that year, but Thanksgiving turned out to be a bust due to an untimely family death; and my parents don't celebrate XMAS, whereas his parents do).

    This year, FI and his family have assumed that I will spend another round of holidays with them. FI and I hang out with his parents about 1-2 times a month. I enjoy my FILs, but I miss my own parents, who I only have a chance to see about 3 times a year!

    This year, my parents cannot make the trip down to NJ. So I made the following proposal: I'll spend Thanksgiving with my family (while he celebrates with his own family) and in compromise, I will spend XMAS with his family. Long story short - FI is pissed and disappointed. He thinks splitting up during the holidays is totally inappropriate for an engaged couple.

    I have no idea what to do but stand my ground, no matter the arguments it may cause - am I wrong for doing so? How have you ladies juggled the holidays with your parents and FILs? How do you reach a compromise??

     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from clm77. Show clm77's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    So he should go to Thanksgiving with you and your family, and you can do Christmas with his. Seems simple to me! And no, you're not wrong for standing your ground. Your family is important too. What needs to happen is since it's not convenient to spend holidays with both families, you are both going to have to sacrifice at some point for the sake of the other.

    This year is the first year I'll be doing Christmas solely with my husband's family. It's going to be tough, I'll probably cry at some point, but it's important to us that we spend holidays together.

    PS. We didn't start doing joint holidays until we were married. So if you want go one more year of splitting up, go for it! We have married friends who still split up for the holidays... I think they're crazy, but I guess it works for them. Don't know what they're going to do when they have kids!

     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from greenclown. Show greenclown's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    We have one set in PA, one set in CA, one set in NC, and one set in NH (both of our parents have divorced and remarried, some more than once). We've pretty much given up on trying to split things up. 3 sets are coming to us for Thanksgiving and we're going to one set's house for Christmas.

    The thing is, my FI and I don't really care all that much about where we spend holidays (if we don't see them at the holidays, we'll see them another time), but our parents sure do care!

     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from julper. Show julper's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    ugh! I know how you feel. I have suggested having holidays separately a few times to my DH (before we were married) and it was always a huge ordeal that ended up in a huge fight and then we always ended up doing one of two things:

    1) having everyone, his relatives and my relatives, to our house. This sometimes means more than 20 people

    2) having to go several different places on the actual holiday. Having Christmas morning together, then meeting up with my parents, then going to Christmas dinner at my Grandma's and then spending the evening at his mother's.

    Either way is crazy. But it seems that we are both too stubborn to forgo seeing our family on the holiday itself, and he can't handle the idea that we would go separate ways, so this is what we do.

    Since you already had both holidays at his parents house last year, it would be nice if you both could drive up to Boston to spend Thanksgiving with your parents this year. You have already conceeded to go there for Christmas so I think that would be sort of fair. Of course I know not all families are easy to deal with and your FI/your FIL's may not like not seeing each other on Thanksgiving. Good luck!

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from sher. Show sher's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    well, if he feels so strongly about not splitting the holidays, invite him to spend thanksgiving with your family. if he says no then he really isn;t being fair to you or your position. in fairness to both families you two should maybe try to alternate thanksgivings. and hopefully in the future your family will be able to drive to NJ.

    my brother and SIL are alternating years. last year thanksgiving was at my parents and this year it will be at her parents.

    i am lucky that my family and my inlaws are all in MA. in fact they are only about a 15 min drive apart, so we are able to split each holiday. mornings with my family afternoons with his family.

     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from foolforfood. Show foolforfood's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    So he should go to Thanksgiving with you and your family, and you can do Christmas with his. Seems simple to me!

    The problem is that he's realllly close to his parents and has already committed himself to his parents' place.

     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    The easy answer is - your parents don't celebrate Christmas, so spend Christmas with his parents and Thanksgiving with yours.

    But obviously there are no easy answers.

    The true answer is, as a (soon to be) married couple, you need to start your own traditions. He cannot (nor can you) assume that life will not change when you merge two families and two sets of traditions.

    By discounting your family's feelings and yours, he is not doing his part toward the new family you are creating.

    You need to also take into consideration some things you didn't tell us. How many siblings and other family members are expected at each celebration? It might be relevant if, for example, the two of you are the only people expected to Thanksgiving at his parents' house. It would be a huge disappointment for them. That doesn't say they can't get used to the idea. Can you have Thanksgiving with them the following weekend?

    Think of your own parents. Did they travel to spend holidays with your grandparents? How did they 'split the time?' Life has changed for all of you - you will all have to find a way to work it out.

    (For the record, his family lives 3000 miles away, so we don't have the issue.)

     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from rhm327. Show rhm327's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    My parents live in NY and then head to FL for the winter. DH's parents live in RI. We don't celebrate Christmas, but we do want to do something with family for Thanksgiving. Luckily, my parents started an early Thanksgiving tradition (which I call "Festivus") since they usually head to Florida before Thanksgiving. Then we get to spend Thanksgiving day with his parents (his brother is in CA and doesn't usually come in then). However, last year, my sister in CT said she wanted to to host Thanksgiving at her new house. DH (then FI) and I discussed what we would do. We asked my sister if we could invite my IL's since they would then have no family with them for the holiday and she said the more the merrier. My brother also came from NY to my sister's. However, his wife went to her family's in MA - they were newlyweds at the time. We were told that her grandmother is getting older and she wants to spend every holiday with her because of this (although her grandmother is in great shape and she visits her family frequently). This year, we had our "festivus" in NY almost two weeks ago so we planned on being at my IL's for the holiday. My sister is having my brother and his wife over to her place (don't know how that was decided this year).

    Good luck on whatever you decide!

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from foolforfood. Show foolforfood's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    You need to also take into consideration some things you didn't tell us. How many siblings and other family members are expected at each celebration?

    This is a great point, AB. I am an only child. My parents and all the aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents get together for Thanksgiving. Due to conflicting schedules, Thanksgiving is one of the few times during the year that my entire family can spend together.

    FI has a younger sister. For Thanksgiving, FILs invite some family members that they get to see maybe once or twice a year.

     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from tinshee. Show tinshee's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    This is one of those situations that needs compromise... they way you have told it, it sounds like you are willing to compromise (spend T-day without him) and he's not...

    Aunt Beth makes good points, and depending on what your answer is to them, this holiday season may not come out the way one (or either) of you wants it to... but then it's important to sit down and make decisions about future holidays. My friend went through this for several years before realizing they had to make an ongoing plan IN ADVANCE before there were expectations from other family members. It was tough, but it made the holidays much more pleasant for them.

    As for my own situation, we went with clm's suggestion. I don't celebrate xmas, so we spend T-day with my family and xmas with his. His parents were very disappointed, but my husband was great in dealing with them and basically told them it's only fair. My parents invited my in-laws to join us on thanksgiving (they are in WI and my family in MN) but they declined.

    Good luck!

     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from wendy98. Show wendy98's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    This is a very tricky question, my parents are in PA and his in MA (only 20 minutes from us). We have taken to doing thanksgiving with my family because his Aunt used to do it up big time, and unfortunately she has passed on and no one in the family took her place and they generally go to a restaurant for thanksgiving and find it very sad. He took it upon himself to talk to his parents and they encouraged him to celebrate with my family because there was no reason to be sad, and I get him peanut M&Ms because that is something his Aunt did and it makes things special for him.

    We have discussed Christmas and until we have kids we figure we will do some type of alternate years his and mine. And once we have kids we will offer both sets of parents the opportunity to visit us because we are not packing up the kids. And we have already started talking about what his traditions are what my traditions are and how to make our own traditions. This year should be interesting it is our first year having Christmas together, and at least I have the experience of doing Christmases other than at my parents place. Those years are always a bit sad but I focus on the fun that can be had wherever I am.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from wendy98. Show wendy98's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    Here here on the seeing the family a few times a year. I am very lucky that my FI quickly realized that we see his family all the time. I love them and they are great but when we get together with my family it is an event because we usually coordinate so all my sisters (3 of them) and their families are there. So it is a huge blow out because the rest of the time my sisters are with their ILs or living their own life.


     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from foolforfood. Show foolforfood's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    Exactly!!!! What's made this even more difficult is that my parents like to avoid conflict at any cost, so they've given me the green light to make my own decision. I don't think my parents would be offended if I chose to spend both holidays with the FILs (my parents also happen to be very understanding!), but I personally, would have a better time with my "big boisterious" Boston family.

    It's gotten so bad that my FI has decided to bribe me. At the very tail end of our argument, he offered to buy me a new designer purse (eye rolls - it's the Jersey in him....) if I agree to spend Thanksgiving with him. He may have been semi-joking, but clearly, I am not the only Fool in the relationship....

     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from deebs620. Show deebs620's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    Yeah that kinda sucks that your FI isn't more willing to compromise. It seems like you guys have an easy solution! Has he ever spend the Holidays with your family?

    My FI and I have it worked out well. We are lucky. Both of our parents are still married so that helps a lot!

    Thanksgiving: Alternating years between the families
    Christmas Eve: His Dad's side of the family.
    CHristmas Day: My Family
    Christmas Weekend: weekend in maine with his mom's side of the family.

    It took a little while but we've finally got this system down and we are both happy with it!
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from onecoolchick. Show onecoolchick's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    Fool,

    Does this mean he and his family will expect this every year? It doesn't really seem fair. I would spend Thanksgiving with your family whether he comes or not. I would try to turn the tables and explain how it's important to you that the two of you spend a holiday with your family.

    Unfortunately, this will become an issue every year if you don't come to some kind of compromise. It sounds like you are more willing to compromise than he is. Stick to your guns and I am sure his family will understand. If they don't I am sure they will at least respect your decision.

     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from lovetoplan. Show lovetoplan's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    This is already 3 pages long, so, to the OP, hugs and you're not alone. My pschotic inlaws may as well be in another state the way they treat us, so, holidays in my neck of the woods suck. The most important thing for you to do is to talk to FI and explain what is important to you. Then listen while he explains what is important to him. Then, make a decision together. It only gets worse after you get married and have kids if you don't nip it in the bud, trust me.

    Good luck!

     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    Hmmm! I read the intire thread, and all that come across to me is - me, me, me - or us, us, us.
    Why don't you start somethig new and invite your own family and your in-laws to YOUR Thanksgiving or Christmas celebration?
    Would be a wonderful start of a tradition. Why is it that you think,your parents or his parents should keep the tradition going, with youjust attending and then complaining about how difficult it is to pleaseeveryone.
    Please get your own act together. I am sure your parents and in-laws would enjoy having the holidays in your home.

     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from wendy98. Show wendy98's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    I am not sure if you meant to direct this to me, but it seemed odd that you selected my post to respond to if you read the entire thread. Because if you read it you will see we are discussing how to make traditions our own see below (I added the emphasis to my own post below).

    We have discussed Christmas and until we have kids we figure we will dosome type of alternate years his and mine. And once we have kids wewill offer both sets of parents the opportunity to visit us because weare not packing up the kids. And we have already started talking aboutwhat his traditions are what my traditions are and how to make our owntraditions.

    We do plan on hosting in the future when it is not as feasible for us to travel with kids. And I wouldn't be so quick to say that parents or in-laws would enjoy having the holiday at their children's house. It is not the case for my Mom, when my sister asked her if she would come down on Christmas rather than her carting her, her husband and three kids to my Mom's on Christmas, my Mom was not happy. Most everyone gets stuck in the tradition of this is what we have done for years and it is very hard for the kid to break the pattern of not going to the parents, aunt or whomever's place for a holiday, just as it is hard for whomever hosts the holiday to give it up.

    Once the kids grow up and are starting to figure out how to split the holidays it seems that parents often forget the struggles that they went through trying to split the holidays when they were first together. Emotions run high and discussions are the only way to resolve it.



     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from evavase. Show evavase's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    Shame on his family for not encouraging you two to see your family...sounds like the apple (FI) doesn't fall far from the tree either. You need to set some boundaries, like NOW...or when kids enter this picture, it won't be pretty.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    Oh - my, my, my! I certainly did not want to offend anyone. All familytradition has to be honored. However, when you marry, you need to blendtogether one family's traditions with the other's. Not tomention, most of us have siblings, who also want to keep peacewith their in-laws.
    What I meant was, start your own traditions. Now it is you and your husband. You can't please everyone in yours and his family.
    It is wonderful, if you and your husband can go to one holiday partyafter another, but at some point you have to make the holiday yours.Whatever traditions you and your new husband bring from home andcombine. When you have children, it will be a totally different story.
    Happy holidays to everyone!

     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from foolforfood. Show foolforfood's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    Please get your own act together.

    Pingo, I will take your comments with a grain of salt and give you the benefit of the doubt. FI and I will not start our own traditions this year because:

    1. I'm no Martha Stewart and potluck dishes that travel from Boston and NJ don't make my taste buds water (see above BDC screenname).

    2. Slim chance that both sets of parents can travel to our location, even slimmer chance that the other dozens of family guests will be able to travel (I like holidays to be big and loud - dinner for 6 wouldn't cut it for me!). Again, I think you've missed the point. If this were a pre-globalized society in which the entire village married within and celebrated holidays together, I wouldn't have this dilemna. Unfortunately, our parents live a great distance away from each other, leaving us with a dilemna based on sheer geography.

    I agree with the other ladies - it's time for the FI and I to compromise. Thanks to all the ladies for empathizing and for sharing all the good advice. I'll keep you posted on what happens.

     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from foolforfood. Show foolforfood's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    Pingo - we're still engaged, which makes me feel less guilty about splitting the holidays. And yes, things will have to change once we start our own little family, but for now, the situation is very problematic.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    Hi fool, thanks for taking my comment with a grain of salt. I know thisis a sore subject in many families. Your families will tear you apart,if you let them. Everyone expect the two of you to be "there". Thesooner you start your own traditions, the better off you will be.Sometimes one has to put a foot down. Trying to please everyone in bothfamilies its one of the hardest things to do. Holidays, no less. Justwait until you have children. So the sooner you start with your own owntraditions. the better off you will be and the smoother it will go.Happy holidays!
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from ralphluv. Show ralphluv's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    I have some thoughts on the brilliant idea of inviting your family and his to your house. First of all, they may not have the room to have everyone which is what stops me from having holidays at my house in the Bucket. Plus, my dog is cute but can't be trusted around that much food. (She just grunted in agreement) So, if you can pack 40 people in my two bedroom apartment with not enough room to swing a cat, then by all means. Get their act together? That's just obnoxious.

    As to my situation, my parents live in my home town and my inlaws live in DC. Since we've been together we have not been with them on Christmas day but we go the next day and drive there. (It's a nice distance, I recommend it) However, my parents were basically "getting" both holidays which isn't really fair. At the same time, I am also able to rationalize it because they live up the street from his sister and his brother lives with them, so it's not like they are alone. But, he is the little lord Jesus in his family so it does bum his mom out a tad. I decided it makes way more sense for us to stay here for Thanksgiving and go to their house for Christmas. This way, things are fair and my parents are either doing Christmas with us before or celebrating 12th Night (something that my mom has decided is a holiday, which I think is similar to Festivus) Anyway, I think Thanksgiving is the far superior holiday so I'm pretty psyched about the decision. As long as my mom makes Stovetop, otherwise, I'm going to Crackerbarrel.

    Just kidding.

     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from laryan. Show laryan's posts

    Semi OT - Splitting the Holidays

    our compromise is that we "rotate" the holidays. my family is here in boston, his is in metro NY. both sets of parents are elderly and w/health issues. we also know we didn't want either set of parents traveling a long ways out during inclement weather.

    we came up w/a rotating "holiday schedule". my parents host easter brunch, my inlaws do thanksgiving, we do christmas and new years is a "do your own thing". its worked out well, as we get the chance to see everyone over the holidays. we are all exhausted by the time new years rolls around.

    have you explained to your FI that you don't think its appropriate (or want) to spend both thanksgiving AND christmas w/his family, and you would like to spend one of those two holidays w/your family???

    hth, and keep us posted!

     
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