Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    chc, I'm an example of no inherent self esteem.  I have a loving family, awesome lifelong friends, a math degree, esteemed career (housewife now), happy marriage, well-trained dog, lovely home my DH built, and I'm by all accounts (including my own) a happy person and a "good" person.  But, I have a tendency to be defensive because my inherent lack of self esteem drives defensiveness.  I always have to be on guard against reacting poorly when it's not warranted by current, often innocuous, circumstances.  For the most part, I can do that, hence my great relationships.  If I couldn't, well, I'd be my dad.  (I've not always had it so good, by the way.  Talk about mud.  Bad first marriage, major depression...yadda yadda yadda)

    cb, I'm honored you're mulling it over and hope my thoughts on the subject do prove helpful and encouraging.
     
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  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    Yes, I should have not copied your use of inherent above.  I should have said "gained in childhood," because I agree, only disposition is truly inherent.  And, I also agree that self esteem and self confidence are two different things.  To clarify how I see them, I'll add these three kargiver facts to my previous post:

    1. I have an inherently pleasant disposition
    2.  I have tons of self confidence
    3.  I have very little self esteem

    Is #3 sensical given 1 and 2?  No.  But, there it is.  And, of course, you can easily deduce from here why I believe what I do about self esteem only being able to be built in one's formative emotional years.

    ETA:  To illustrate further how I see the difference between self esteem and self confidence, I had a boss tell me that what he admired most about me was that he never knew anyone more afraid to try things than me but neither had he known anymore more apt to do them anyway, in spite of the fear, than me.  My self confidence butts heads with my self esteem every darned day.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    Hi Kar
    I agree with your notion that putting others down represents a poor coping mechanism.
    *************************************************************
    I have a number of children over (from a group of 2 to 12) for my son or daughter to have a party or a sleep over - my son is 12 daughter 14.  I establish one rule upon entering my home "no putting down others or gossip about others!" I tell the kids parents too - there are no exceptions.  I hate it! I have flown down a flight of stairs to correct the offender and remind them that such behavior is not acceptable.  I also use it as a teachable moment.  How would you feel if those things were said about you? How would that make you feel? Do you understand why what you said is wrong? hurtful?

    I guess it's working - my daughter told me last night that she doesn't like hanging out with a friend of hers when that friend is around another girl because all they do is put down others!

     
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  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from cb156. Show cb156's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others:
    [QUOTE]Kar - What if we separate self confidence (largely that is what CB is talking about), self esteem (viewing yourself as worthy), and disposition (glass is half empty/glass is half full thinking). Of the three, I think only disposition is inherent.  contructive disagreement is welcome.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    I don't know, CHC.  I thought I was talking about both self-confidence and self-esteem.  I see Kar is saying otherwise for herself, but I have a hard time believing that someone that doesn't see themselves as a worthy person could feel themselves very capable of doing something.
    I know that when I was younger, I not only had issues with believing I could do things, but believing that what I, as a person, had to offer others had any value at all.
    I feel very differently about both those things now, and the change all came about from the same "coping mechanism".
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    I've been led to believe, as well, that it IS a problem that mainly plagues women.  In fact, I went to a seminar at work once entitled, "Women at Work:  Are We All Faking It?"  However, I think men suffer from the same insecurities and confidence battles but are societally driven and taught to handle it by hiding it and thriving in spite of it at all costs.

    Enjoy your burst of mental power!  Talk to you tomorrow, chc.

    cb, I can see why the distinction would be hard to make.  I'm not sure I actually understand what I'm asserting 100% myself.

    ETA:  I'm awesome at teaching anything I know how to do, writing, and listening.  I'm a great analytical thinker and I'm always fair and honest.  And, yet, I'm often defensive for "no reason."  If I had more self esteem my gut response (whether I successfully hide it or not) wouldn't be defensiveness.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    RT - the teaching opportunity stories are hot :p

    ????????????????????????????????????????????

    What am I missing? 

    How do you mentor an 8 year old and build his/her self-esteem?
    Undecided


    I'm missing something..........................................................
     
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  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others : The mental image of a man that believes so strongly in 'don't criticize, condemn, or complain' that he would fly down stairs and correct a group of teenagers who were indulging in gossip is a very positive one.  hot might have been a bad adjective given the context.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    Oh, OK understood. 

    You wouldn't believe what 12 year old girls call other 12 year old girls!

    I hate it [gossip/name calling] almost as much as rap music with lyrics about "..da bicches!" Sorry, a big part of the problem with kids today - "crap" parents!

    I don't want to be one! I try to cease every teachable moment, some of what I say sticks and other times it goes in one ear and out the other!

    Wink
     
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  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from keater. Show keater's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others:
    [QUOTE]CB156 -- I think  your answer is great! I come back to the golden rule -- treat others as you would wish to be treated.  At least that's my aim.  So, I try to make a point of listening, and figuring out *why* my friend/partner/colleague/whatever feels that way (or wants things done that way).  Listening is so key -- I'm not so sure that we live in a culture that appreciates the art of listening too much.  But that's another topic.  If I can listen, and understand where someone's coming from with sincerity, then they know it; they can feel it.  And you can feel their trust and appreciation in return.  If it then makes sense to me, then things change.  If I still don't go along with it, then either a)  compromise or b) just let them know the change isn't going to happen (and explain why).  It's a matter of the other person feeling respected.  People intuitively know when it's sincere.  I think that sincerity is a great esteem-builder. Now, with kids, I think it's different and the parent has to be more active.  My parents were alcoholic, so emotional support wasn't really there for me.  That is pretty damaging.  A child who truly feels they are on their own to make sense out of the complex situations around them is not going to have a strong self-esteem.  That's going to follow into school, and other social environments.  Other kids pick up on it, and that kid runs a higher risk of bullying (in my opinion).  Vicous cycle.  So self esteem from a child, I think, comes primarily from the home.  If the home is a bad environment and the child has the good fortune to develop a surrogate parent/family situation, that can be a lifesaver.  But here is where friends become so important.  Just having someone to play with is very helpful.  In the event of bullying, a teacher who will take time to encourage other kids in the class to come to the aid of someone who is being bullied (there are several ways to do that) can also help. I think self-esteem is a lifelong project, in part because we live in such a competitive, even violent, society.  Kudos to the people who have figured out how to compete without demeaning others; there are many, many who get ahead at the *expense* of others -- who didn't learn to "play fair", and the self-esteem of others is the price.  This little perverse part of me chuckles at the adage:  "be careful of how you treat people on the way up, 'cause you're gonna meet them on the way down"!
    Posted by Maldenlady[/QUOTE]

    Well said Maldenlady. You should be proud of yourself and how you handled yourself from a very young age.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    “Healthy self-esteem is a child's armor against the challenges of the world. Kids who feel good about themselves seem to have an easier time handling conflicts and resisting negative pressures. They tend to smile more readily and enjoy life. These kids are realistic and generally optimistic.

    In contrast, kids with low self-esteem can find challenges to be sources of major anxiety and frustration. Those who think poorly of themselves have a hard time finding solutions to problems. If given to self-critical thoughts such as "I'm no good" or "I can't do anything right," they may become passive, withdrawn, or depressed. Faced with a new challenge, their immediate response is "I can't."

    As a parent, building self-esteem is a difficult task.  You can’t tell your kid they are  a “great artist” from 1st to 12th grade, hang every picture on the fridge and tell them  how great they are with every picture.  What happens when they go to college and learn they are mediocre compared to the others at the school?  I am of the opinion that building self-esteem in children is just as important as learning from mistakes.

    My son signed up for basketball in fourth grade.  Like all kids his age he thought he was a “great” basketball player, right up there with Bird and Jordan at the ripe old age of 10! So, the first game comes and he never touches the ball, never gets the ball passed to him and never gets to take a shot.  At the end of the game his head was hung low staring at the top of his sneakers.  When I got him in the car he started to cry.  I asked what upset him. And he explained how upset he was at not getting the ball during the game and not getting the chance to score.  So, I explained to him that if he wanted to spend more time on the court and get the ball he had to attack the boards for all the rebounds! He actually took my advice! He played like a kid possessed going after every rebound he could! In the end he doubled his playing time on the court and had the chance to take a few shots too! The transformation in his self-esteem at the end of the game was markedly changed from the previous game.  But, I found offering him advice, versus praise; helped build that self-confidence and self-esteem.

    My daughter came home from school one day and burst into tears.  She went on to tell my ex-wife how she was made fun of because of her connected eyebrow and hair on her upper lip - she wanted to die, and never go to school again - keep in mind she's 11 or 12!  Instead of being a Mother, the ex-calls me and tells me the story! So, I call a salon and make a waxing appointment for the next Saturday then I call my Mother to see if she would take her - if in the event my daughter wanted to be with another girl, I thought Grandma would be a safe bet.  My daughter comes over to my place Friday night before the appointment I set up for her.  I ask her what happened at school regarding her being picked on.  Again she burst into tears. I calmed her and explained to her that I made an appointment to take her to a salon for a waxing – if she wanted to.  I then asked if she wanted me to take her or Grandma. She said me! Saturday came, I took her to the salon - she came out with a HUGE smile and a hug for her Dad, at that point I cried for a couple of reasons. First, she felt better about herself and second, she appreciated me as her Dad.

    It’s difficult, I want to help my children build their sense of self- worth and self- esteem but, I also want them to stumble and learn from mistakes.  At no point do I want my kids to build themselves up by picking on others – that’s just BS.  I want my kid’s to treat others the way they want to be treated and be respectful of others.  I also want them to embrace themselves and except themselves for who they are – warts and all – and have a positive self-image without being arrogant or obnoxious.  Of course this is all still a work in progress, I still have years to go……..lol!

     
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  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    I think what made me such a stable person was not my upbringing but a calm understanding of humanity. 
    I read a psychology textbook when I was 12, for fun. I read all about different stages of development and how biochemistry affects behavior. Then I truly understood that we are just machines. 
    I never had a teenage rebellion because I understood that they were just hormones acting on the brain. 
    All that said, I have to say that HIGH self esteem is just as big a problem as LOW self esteem. I have known several people who think they are the center of the universe. Not good people to be around.
    It's all about balance. 
     
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  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from Bubs06. Show Bubs06's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others:
    [QUOTE]I had a few minutes this evening so I'm perusing the book I read at the time my self esteem was the lowest in my life (right after my divorce). Bullet points for building self esteem: Stop abusing and neglecting yourself and start treating yourself in a responsible and loving way. Give up the habit of putting yourself down and learn to think about yourself in a more realistic and compassionate manner ***more on this one later Get rid of self defeating attitudes and develop a healthier and more positive value system Confront and conquer your fear of being alone
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    A very interesting topic indeed and your suggestions are very well said. 

    I think self reliance leads to better self esteem and absorbing adversity offers a litmus test of how we are going to perceive ourselves and what manner of confidence we are going to project to others. All we can do really is compare our own journeys. For some, like me, the military was an early epiphany where the boy became a man simply because you were "there". You had no choice.

    Family ills, broken hearts, career disappointments and all manner of potholes often drive that inner change necessary to look at yourself and say, no, I am not going there anymore.

    Again, very interesting.

     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    For some, like me, the military was an early epiphany where the boy became a man simply because you were "there". You had no choice.
    ----

    You lived in ancient Sparta? Taken away from your mother to be in a strictly hom*-social environment at age 7?
     
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  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    Couple points, IMHO - Building self-esteem/self-confidence begins with looking at yourself and accepting yourself for who you are.  I freely admit to not being perfect, why bother? I have learned that I have a number of shortcomings, imperfections and flaws! But, I don't let that define who I am.  It's my other qualities that make me a good person. The quote from your article below sums it up pretty well:

    "Even if you haven’t felt this way ever before, it’s time to decide that you
    are worth the effort and that even if you have previously sold yourself short, that you will value you by committing to acting with self-love, self-care, self-trust, and self-respect from now on."

    I know that after I got divorced my self-esteem/self confidence was at an all time low.  I found the best way to re-build that self-confidence/self-esteem was to surround myself with friends and family.

    One big No-No, negative people! avoid them like the cancer they ARE!

     Laughing

     
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