Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    chc, I'm an example of no inherent self esteem.  I have a loving family, awesome lifelong friends, a math degree, esteemed career (housewife now), happy marriage, well-trained dog, lovely home my DH built, and I'm by all accounts (including my own) a happy person and a "good" person.  But, I have a tendency to be defensive because my inherent lack of self esteem drives defensiveness.  I always have to be on guard against reacting poorly when it's not warranted by current, often innocuous, circumstances.  For the most part, I can do that, hence my great relationships.  If I couldn't, well, I'd be my dad.  (I've not always had it so good, by the way.  Talk about mud.  Bad first marriage, major depression...yadda yadda yadda)

    cb, I'm honored you're mulling it over and hope my thoughts on the subject do prove helpful and encouraging.
     
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  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    Yes, I should have not copied your use of inherent above.  I should have said "gained in childhood," because I agree, only disposition is truly inherent.  And, I also agree that self esteem and self confidence are two different things.  To clarify how I see them, I'll add these three kargiver facts to my previous post:

    1. I have an inherently pleasant disposition
    2.  I have tons of self confidence
    3.  I have very little self esteem

    Is #3 sensical given 1 and 2?  No.  But, there it is.  And, of course, you can easily deduce from here why I believe what I do about self esteem only being able to be built in one's formative emotional years.

    ETA:  To illustrate further how I see the difference between self esteem and self confidence, I had a boss tell me that what he admired most about me was that he never knew anyone more afraid to try things than me but neither had he known anymore more apt to do them anyway, in spite of the fear, than me.  My self confidence butts heads with my self esteem every darned day.
     
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  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from cb156. Show cb156's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others:
    Kar - What if we separate self confidence (largely that is what CB is talking about), self esteem (viewing yourself as worthy), and disposition (glass is half empty/glass is half full thinking). Of the three, I think only disposition is inherent.  contructive disagreement is welcome.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick


    I don't know, CHC.  I thought I was talking about both self-confidence and self-esteem.  I see Kar is saying otherwise for herself, but I have a hard time believing that someone that doesn't see themselves as a worthy person could feel themselves very capable of doing something.
    I know that when I was younger, I not only had issues with believing I could do things, but believing that what I, as a person, had to offer others had any value at all.
    I feel very differently about both those things now, and the change all came about from the same "coping mechanism".
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    I've been led to believe, as well, that it IS a problem that mainly plagues women.  In fact, I went to a seminar at work once entitled, "Women at Work:  Are We All Faking It?"  However, I think men suffer from the same insecurities and confidence battles but are societally driven and taught to handle it by hiding it and thriving in spite of it at all costs.

    Enjoy your burst of mental power!  Talk to you tomorrow, chc.

    cb, I can see why the distinction would be hard to make.  I'm not sure I actually understand what I'm asserting 100% myself.

    ETA:  I'm awesome at teaching anything I know how to do, writing, and listening.  I'm a great analytical thinker and I'm always fair and honest.  And, yet, I'm often defensive for "no reason."  If I had more self esteem my gut response (whether I successfully hide it or not) wouldn't be defensiveness.
     
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  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from keater. Show keater's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others:
    CB156 -- I think  your answer is great! I come back to the golden rule -- treat others as you would wish to be treated.  At least that's my aim.  So, I try to make a point of listening, and figuring out *why* my friend/partner/colleague/whatever feels that way (or wants things done that way).  Listening is so key -- I'm not so sure that we live in a culture that appreciates the art of listening too much.  But that's another topic.  If I can listen, and understand where someone's coming from with sincerity, then they know it; they can feel it.  And you can feel their trust and appreciation in return.  If it then makes sense to me, then things change.  If I still don't go along with it, then either a)  compromise or b) just let them know the change isn't going to happen (and explain why).  It's a matter of the other person feeling respected.  People intuitively know when it's sincere.  I think that sincerity is a great esteem-builder. Now, with kids, I think it's different and the parent has to be more active.  My parents were alcoholic, so emotional support wasn't really there for me.  That is pretty damaging.  A child who truly feels they are on their own to make sense out of the complex situations around them is not going to have a strong self-esteem.  That's going to follow into school, and other social environments.  Other kids pick up on it, and that kid runs a higher risk of bullying (in my opinion).  Vicous cycle.  So self esteem from a child, I think, comes primarily from the home.  If the home is a bad environment and the child has the good fortune to develop a surrogate parent/family situation, that can be a lifesaver.  But here is where friends become so important.  Just having someone to play with is very helpful.  In the event of bullying, a teacher who will take time to encourage other kids in the class to come to the aid of someone who is being bullied (there are several ways to do that) can also help. I think self-esteem is a lifelong project, in part because we live in such a competitive, even violent, society.  Kudos to the people who have figured out how to compete without demeaning others; there are many, many who get ahead at the *expense* of others -- who didn't learn to "play fair", and the self-esteem of others is the price.  This little perverse part of me chuckles at the adage:  "be careful of how you treat people on the way up, 'cause you're gonna meet them on the way down"!
    Posted by Maldenlady


    Well said Maldenlady. You should be proud of yourself and how you handled yourself from a very young age.
     
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  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    I think what made me such a stable person was not my upbringing but a calm understanding of humanity. 
    I read a psychology textbook when I was 12, for fun. I read all about different stages of development and how biochemistry affects behavior. Then I truly understood that we are just machines. 
    I never had a teenage rebellion because I understood that they were just hormones acting on the brain. 
    All that said, I have to say that HIGH self esteem is just as big a problem as LOW self esteem. I have known several people who think they are the center of the universe. Not good people to be around.
    It's all about balance. 
     
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  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from Bubs06. Show Bubs06's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others:
    I had a few minutes this evening so I'm perusing the book I read at the time my self esteem was the lowest in my life (right after my divorce). Bullet points for building self esteem: Stop abusing and neglecting yourself and start treating yourself in a responsible and loving way. Give up the habit of putting yourself down and learn to think about yourself in a more realistic and compassionate manner ***more on this one later Get rid of self defeating attitudes and develop a healthier and more positive value system Confront and conquer your fear of being alone
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick

    A very interesting topic indeed and your suggestions are very well said. 

    I think self reliance leads to better self esteem and absorbing adversity offers a litmus test of how we are going to perceive ourselves and what manner of confidence we are going to project to others. All we can do really is compare our own journeys. For some, like me, the military was an early epiphany where the boy became a man simply because you were "there". You had no choice.

    Family ills, broken hearts, career disappointments and all manner of potholes often drive that inner change necessary to look at yourself and say, no, I am not going there anymore.

    Again, very interesting.

     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    For some, like me, the military was an early epiphany where the boy became a man simply because you were "there". You had no choice.
    ----

    You lived in ancient Sparta? Taken away from your mother to be in a strictly hom*-social environment at age 7?
     
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