Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others
posted at 10/30/2011 8:29 PM EDT
In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others
In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others : For the sake of introspection, I'm taking an extreme position - I think somewhere between your POV and my POV is the answer. Verbally abusive is a label. It is the story you tell yourself when someone tells you something you don't want to hear. There are of course, extreme examples where you have to conclude that the other person has one and only one intent - to cause you pain. More often, labeling comes from a place where the other person feels overpowered. They don't feel heard so they lash out. When a dynamic like that exists in a relationship, the first step is to decide - is this an important relationship to you. The second step is to accept that relationship dynamics don't change quickly. Old patterns die hard - especially under stress. Change is accomplished in miniscule steps - and most likely both parties need to be willing to change a little. I'll use an example that might not hit you so close to home. My Dad has a few topics that he is obsessed over (and the punch line is always a request for me to get involved). It's upsetting to listen to - and I hate to keep saying no about the same topic. I've tried telling him that I don't want to talk about this topic. In the past he would get frustrated and start the insult hurl when I tried to shut the topic down. I told him that behavior wasn't acceptable. And I showed him that behavior was unacceptable. One insult hurl and I am out the door (or I hang up the phone) - but not before telling him very specifically how he has offended me. I've also adjusted my expectations (of him and and what I expect of a father). If he wants to talk about his obsession, I'll sit there an listen for as long as I can stand it (which admittedly isn't very long some days). I don't criticize him for talking about that topic. I listen and ask questions when he jumps around. He doesn't insult hurl any more.
Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick
First, let me thank you for a cohesive, rational, intelligent rationale. Your "adult" coherent response is something someone like my sister could never offer me.
If I could post what was said to me and others it would be deleted due to the language. She has cut herself off from neighbors and other family members too. Her own daughter tweets almost daily how much of an "*ich" her Mom is. I have been present when one of her four kids ate ONE (1) M&M before breakfast - his punishment? being yelled at for a half hour! Oh, and let's not forget, hating a person she NEVER met ( a girl I dated) because and I quote - "she heard things about her!" I have been at her house where one of her 4 children did something wrong. She would punish them - go to your room, then chase them up to their room and yell at them for 30-45 minutes! Been there when the husband pulled my sister off of one of her kids too.
She has had a hysterectomy and my thought is she needs hormone replacement therapy - but what do I know, I'm no Dr. She had a tough time when our Dad died too - maybe she needs ant-depressants - again I'm no Dr.
Her kids, in a word - AWESOME! I have had them over here for pizza, popcorn and movie's so my sister and her husband could go out and get a break on a number of occasions. I have always been here when she needed someone to help her or her husband, my reward - a stick in the eye! When my daughter called to ask if she could get together with my sisters daughter, my sister called me and told me - "Don't have your kid's call here to make plans, we're busy every weekend!" Huh? what? Try explaining that to (at that time 11 and 9 year old) they don't understand.
"One insult and I'm out the door, or I hang up"....agreed!
I have tried and tried and tried to communicate as a respectful adult with her, her response - Forget You! only she didn't say forget!
OK, don't have to tell me twice!
I'm still listening, please advise.