Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others : I agree, but only to a point.  Avoiding conflict, avoiding standing up for yourself can eat away at your self esteem.   

    - Agreed, but subjecting myself to unwarranted criticism? Not gonna happen!
      Constructive criticism - I'll listen all day! It's how we learn -IMHO
     
    For example, If the bad sister were to pass away with an unresolved issue between us, I know I would regret not doing my part to heal that relationship.

    - My door is always open to the sister, she just has to "grow" (take her meds - lol!) and communicate in a constructive way.  Being told your a %$#^%! idiot because you have a differing opinion? Just because she's my sister does not require me to be her doormat, sorry.

    The moments in my life that I felt best about myself were moments where I calmly and rationally stood my ground.

    - Again, there is no reason to be a doormat....for anyone - IMHO

    Wink

    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]
     
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    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others : I don't know you.  I don't know what conversations took place leading up to the rift with your sister. I do know, however, that when you hold on to such anger the only person that you hurt is you.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]
    With respect...

    True, you don't know me and you don't know the conversations between my sister and I.

    "...when you hold on to such anger the only person that you hurt is you." - I would argue I chose the lesser of two evils.  I do agree with you, I am hurt but, it hurts less than the way she speaks to me - "verbally abusive" is how I would define her language towards me.
     
    One of the things I enjoy about the anonymous posts here is the "civility" here amongst the posters.  Civility which my sister refuses to offer me - and others.

    How does being in any relationship where one party is "verbally abusive" build
    self-confidence? self-esteem? a "nurturing", "positive" relationship?

    I'll listen....

     
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    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others : For the sake of introspection, I'm taking an extreme position - I think somewhere between your POV and my POV is the answer. Verbally abusive is a label.  It is the story you tell yourself when someone tells you something you don't want to hear. There are of course, extreme examples where you have to conclude that the other person has one and only one intent - to cause you pain. More often, labeling comes from a place where the other person feels overpowered.  They don't feel heard so they lash out. When a dynamic like that exists in a relationship, the first step is to decide - is this an important relationship to you. The second step is to accept that relationship dynamics don't change quickly.  Old patterns die hard - especially under stress.  Change is accomplished in miniscule steps - and most likely both parties need to be willing to change a little. I'll use an example that might not hit you so close to home.  My Dad has a few topics that he is obsessed over (and the punch line is always a request for me to get involved).  It's upsetting to listen to - and I hate to keep saying no about the same topic.  I've tried telling him that I don't want to talk about this topic.  In the past he would get frustrated and start the insult hurl when I tried to shut the topic down.  I told him that behavior wasn't acceptable.  And I showed him that behavior was unacceptable.  One insult hurl and I am out the door (or I hang up the phone) - but not before telling him very specifically how he has offended me.   I've also adjusted my expectations (of him and and what I expect of a father).  If he wants to talk about his obsession, I'll sit there an listen for as long as I can stand it (which admittedly isn't very long some days).  I don't criticize him for talking about that topic. I listen and ask questions when he jumps around.  He doesn't insult hurl any more.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    First, let me thank you for a cohesive, rational, intelligent rationale. Your "adult" coherent response is something someone like my sister could never offer me.

    If I could post what was said to me and others it would be deleted due to the language. She has cut herself off from neighbors and other family members too.  Her own daughter tweets almost daily how much of an "*ich" her Mom is. I have been present when one of her four kids ate ONE (1) M&M before breakfast - his punishment? being yelled at for a half hour! Oh, and let's not forget, hating a person she NEVER met ( a girl I dated) because and I quote - "she heard things about her!" I have been at her house where one of her 4 children did something wrong. She would punish them - go to your room, then chase them up to their room and yell at them for 30-45 minutes! Been there when the husband pulled my sister off of one of her kids too.

    She has had a hysterectomy and my thought is she needs hormone replacement therapy - but what do I know, I'm no Dr. She had a tough time when our Dad died too - maybe she needs ant-depressants - again I'm no Dr.

    Her kids, in a word - AWESOME! I have had them over here for pizza, popcorn and movie's so my sister and her husband could go out and get a break on a number of occasions. I have always been here when she needed someone to help her or her husband, my reward - a stick in the eye! When my daughter called to ask if she could get together with my sisters daughter, my sister called me and told me - "Don't have your kid's call here to make plans, we're busy every weekend!" Huh? what? Try explaining that to (at that time 11 and 9 year old) they don't understand.

    "One insult and I'm out the door, or I hang up"....agreed!

    I have tried and tried and tried to communicate as a respectful adult with her, her response - Forget You! only she didn't say forget!

    OK, don't have to tell me twice!

    I'm still listening, please advise.

    Thank you
     
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  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    I'm of an opposite mind than CHC, and many other people. I cannot forgive unless the other person admits culpability. They don't have to apologize, but they to have a mindfulness of their actions and words.

    My brother was in denial (or pretended to be) about the time I almost died and he, a physician could have helped, but didn't. (He was furious with our parents, and his mind was on his fury.) It was 20 years before he admitted to me that he could have helped save my life. He didn't apologize, he said hge was there, could have assisted, but still he qualified - "but you would have been OK." At least admitted he was in the room with me and our parents while I was suffering, and that he did nothing to help while they were screaming and begging him to help me. For two decades he denied that anything had happened to me.

    That kind of dialogue has to happen for me. If not an apology, then at least come clean. Only then can I start forgiving.

    At little more complicated if the guilty party is deceased or sick. Anyone ever watch :Homicide: Life on the Street"? Det. Bayliss is faced with being the caregiver for his sick uncle - the man who had sexually-abused him as a child. That's TV. It happens in real life all the time, and it's quite a dilemma.
     
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    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others : Wow I think I'd hate to be a member of your family. 

    - I love my family, and my sister.

     It sounds rough.  I don't know if this is a random thing, but in the past few days I've noticed that you disparaged a number of people (your ex wife, your ex girlfriend, random attractive women that you've slept with) - there seems a be a pattern.

    - the thread here has been self-esteem.  My ex expressed difficulty in dealing with our teen daughter and asked my advice - parenting the parent. (Another post to come) 
    - the ex-girlfriend, I gave and gave and gave. She had self-esteem issues, her husband beat her up verbally telling her how fat she was, etc. I never did that, I encouraged her and complimented her and was supportive - again, my reward she cheats on me.  Why not just say "we're done!" OK move along (that's another post/thread: trust)
    - random attractive woman, no that was a joke. Never done that, never would. Thought the Lucy Lu part was the tell.

    I'm not a judge or jury.  It's not up to me to decide whether a relationship is dysfunctional or not.  If you think that your life will be happier without her in it, that is your choice to make.

    - It goes back to Plasko's point about the "cut and& run" button. I can put up with a lot and consider myself pretty amiable but, like you, I have a breaking point.

    I would "LOVE" to have my sister and her family be a part of my life but I don't know how when a polite "Hello" is considered a provocation.

    Please grieve the loss properly, though.  You say this rift happened years ago, however, -
     
    it appears that you haven't accepted that this person will never be the sister you want her to be.

    - and that's what hurts most.

    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]
     
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  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others:
    [QUOTE]

    Every time I hit the cut and run button on a close relationship, it was like a death.

    - same here. It hurts, I'm human.

    But to bring this thread back on topic, if I HADN'T stood up for myself, my self esteem would be in the toilet.

    - goes to your point about your Dad, you're not letting your Dad diminish your self-esteem anymore.

    I had to face that a relationship that was important to me was not important to the other person - and it hurt.

    - as I would have expected. Same here.

    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]


     
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    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others:
    [QUOTE] the ex-girlfriend, I gave and gave and gave. She had self-esteem issues, her husband beat her up verbally telling her how fat she was, etc. I never did that, I encouraged her and complimented her and was supportive - again, my reward she cheats on me.  Why not just say "we're done!" OK move along (that's another post/thread: trust) --- C'MON!!!! Go back and read your thread on ultimatums.  She put it on the line - she wanted the relationship to move forward.  You rejected her.  She acted out instead of expressing her emotions in a healthy manner.   You have my sympathy for how the relationship ended, but you are playing the martyr, man.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    Nope, I know I posted somewhere - on the first date I said "I'm never getting married again", to which she replied "I don't need a piece of paper" [marriage license] - she made the mistake of thinking she could change my mind regarding the topic.

    "...playing the martyr man." I think not but, you're entitled to your opinion
     
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  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:

    Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others : 

    In time I hope you will be able to look back with empathy.  - me too, right now it's water under the bridge.


    In your head the statements made on the first date appear to be legal and binding.  

    - If I could "generalize" here for a minute - If I wanted to have my way with her, I would think that by telling her what I thought she wanted to hear would get me there versus what I said.  I was being honest and up front, why hide it? what's the upside to telling someone your dating that you never want to get married again? It could have been her out and an opportunity to say "Oh, I want to get married, have kids etc. - I don't think this is going to work" and you remain friends.

    In her head, I'll bet it was first date chatter that meant nothing.

    - Say what you mean and mean what you say. I like "pickles" is chatter - I never want to marry again is a personal mindset and a HEADS UP. Look at a site like Match posts in their profile..."want to get married, looking for LTR" etc. - is that just "chatter" or info to fill in the blank space? Is it being up front? honest? The only difference between what I did and Match.com is that I said it and didn't post it.

    If you saw a guys Match post that read "I never want to get married, just looking for a LTR" would you respond if you wanted to get married??????? Why or why not?

    When a woman posts on Match - "WANT'S KIDS" is that chatter?, should I ignore that? Should I think that I could change her mind????? Why or why not?

    Hope you have a good week.  Chin up.  Better days are ahead.

    - you too  Laughing

    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]
     
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  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others:
    [QUOTE]- Say what you mean and mean what you say. I like "pickles" is chatter - I never want to marry again is a personal mindset and a HEADS UP. Look at a site like Match posts in their profile..."want to get married, looking for LTR" etc. - is that just "chatter" or info to fill in the blank space? Is it being up front? honest? The only difference between what I did and Match.com is that I said it and didn't post it. --- Are you trying to convince you or convince me?    IMHO, your argument shifts the responsibility away from you.  And as we've discussed before, you cannot heal and move on until you accept the 0.1% that YOU did wrong.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    ...discussed in another thread, I think I took 50% of the blame.
     
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    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others:
    [QUOTE]I was thinking about the 'I don't need a piece of paper comment' I think that could mean many things.  My parents never married (which is a nightmare to navigate now because they lied about it 'for the sake of the children').  They were committed to each other and to their family.  Finances completely intertwined.  In the eyes of the federal government they were married.  Check your assumptions.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    ....discussed on another thread. Nope, she specifically stated "marriage license", refd Goldie Hawn and her success with her BF. Nothing ambiguous about her statement - she said it black and white, offered example too...Laughing

    No assumptions here.....Laughing
     
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  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    .....changing screen name to "Obtuse Martyr!"


    Foot in mouth
     
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    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others:
    [QUOTE]CHC, I have the power, not the other person, because I decided to no longer allow his poison into my life. Posted by reindeergirl[/QUOTE]

    Sometimes you have to do what you have to do....................Smile
     
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    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    CHC,

    I have the power, not the other person, because I decided to no longer allow his poison into my life.

    Do I pity him? Sure. So I wish him well? Sure. But his presence in my life is usuaally destructive.

    One thing I didn't do, which I wish I did: put as much geographical distance between Mum and me as possible, as was suggested years ago.

    Yet (there's always a yet), if I had, I probably wouldn't have met the fawn's father. I may have had a fawn anyway, but a much different fawn.

    Also, Mum was becoming incapable of caring for herself. This was before the Alzheimer's.
     
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  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others

    In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Building Self Esteem in yourself and in others : That avatar is not conducive to romancing the ladies.  I suggest you go back to Chris Noth.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    Yes!
     

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