posted at 5/10/2011 9:59 AM EDT
I was on eHarmony a couple of years ago. Back then my income was tons better, and I had the funds for premium memberships on the dating sites.
I had only a few hard limits:
No very pious people.
eHarmony only got 1 of 4 right (the philandering part).
I checked my profile, essays, questions, etc., and I was indeed quite clear about my limits.
I contacted eDisHarmony numerous times, and each time they said they'd be careful with my matches. I was patient and willing to wait.
They still got it wrong. Then I read that the Website was started by a minister, so I thought that might have been part of the site's agenda. So I said "Meh," and focused on the hunters and smokers. Well, yep, I got matched with more hunters and more smokers.
I didn't ask for a refund, but didn't renew my membership, either.
Yet, I know people who have great success with eHarmony.
I wonder where I went wrong ... or if eHarmony simply had incompetent customer service reps at that time (2008-2009).
This post has been removed.
posted at 5/10/2011 5:00 PM EDT
The truth is, although I joke about the stupidity of marriage /jk - I do want to remarry. This is partly where my egg-shell walking comes in - I fear that if I post this on any site other that eHarmony (which promotes marriage), I'll send them running.
I'm also monogamous but not in the religious sense, but non-religious monogamy seems to be out of fashion today. But I think I'll put this in my OKC profile, anyway. I have as much right to do "weeding" as does anyone else.
This post has been removed.
posted at 5/10/2011 6:32 PM EDT
"I don't know what age bracket you're in (I'm old enough to know not to ask that kind of question), but assuming you're into your late 20's or beyond then I don't think wanting to remarry is a huge show stopper."
Oh, I don't mind. I'm 52. DD will be in college soon, and I don't want to grow old with my two cats as my companions. I have an active intellectual/creative life, but I don't want that to be my life, either.
"However, I don't think any guy is going to want to see or hear that particular word up front. You'd need to finesse it enough so that we pick up on the ultimate goal and leave it at that in the early stages."
Oh, that feedback is so important, Slim. I appreciate it.
I haven't been shy about posting my (paltry) income, where the profile forms ask, but that hasn't been a deterrance (so far). I'll be careful about that, then.
"On Match I quickly picked up on how to separate the serious from the time-wasters. Hard to put that technique into words though, it was more an art form than a science. In short though, if they couldn't construct a couple of paragraphs describing themselves and what they're looking for then it was quickly on to the next. "
Yes, you shouldn't have to waste your own time on the inarticulate.
You gave me something valuable to use - again, much appreciated.
I'll take a few days away from OKC to pinpoint my culpability, then rewrite my profile. I don't want to do that while I'm still beating myself up.
This post has been removed.
posted at 5/11/2011 8:24 AM EDT
52 seems to be the magic age on BDC. Seems like everyone I "meet" is 52 -- or honorary 52, like you Slim.
I wish the magic age was 32, 'cause I'd really like to be 20 years younger. Yoo-hoo! Magic WA-and, where ARE you??
posted at 5/25/2011 1:21 PM EDT
I don't know why they got it wrong with you, rdg, but all my matches were guys that were my compliment's personality type, as promised. Not all of them shared my interests, but that was easily determined by their intro pages or soon after a match was opened and multiple choice questions were exchanged. I closed (or they closed) about 50 matches before I happened upon my husband's profile. So, it worked great for me - we've been happily married going on 3 years, and I couldn't be more pleased with the type of service eHarmony was for us. DH agrees; he had the same experience with the matches he had before mine.
posted at 5/26/2011 7:00 PM EDT
Happy Anniversary, kargiver!
posted at 5/26/2011 7:19 PM EDT
Thanks! But, I should admit that I guess maybe "going on 3" was a teeny bit of an exaggeration... we're celebrating 2 1/2 years right now.
posted at 5/27/2011 12:00 PM EDT
I know that Kargiver had a great experience w/ eHarmony, but a friend of mine had exactly the same experience as the OP. She cannot wait for her 6 months to be up and feels like she just flushed money away. She did not like 90% of her matches and the ones she did try to contact b/c they were actually appropraiate never responded to her. She is fit and very attractive.
I personally preferred Match, which is were I met my DH. We had our 4 year wedding anniversary yesterday.
posted at 5/27/2011 12:35 PM EDT
Yeah, I should qualify that I've heard similar stories to mine and the OP's, as well. Seems one will either wholeheartedly give it 5 stars or 1 star; there aren't too many 3 star reviews.
posted at 5/27/2011 1:15 PM EDT
Add me to the list of people who really, really wanted to like eHarmony, but was ultimately disappointed. My matches were very poor quality.
posted at 5/27/2011 1:32 PM EDT
I am also 52 - the magic number - long ago divorced. I turned 52 a couple months ago so take some advice from a much older (but not wiser), more experienced person.
I have never tried any of these online dating sites so cannot really comment on them. I am not looking to remarry but am not particulalry adverse to it either. I can suggest, from a male perspective, that if you listed your dating goal as marriage I would probably take a pass on your profile. I think perhaps many men of our age group would be leery of someone who is specifically looking to get married. Don't put so much pressure on the whole marriage thing.
posted at 5/27/2011 1:38 PM EDT
eHarmony might as well have been called eLookingtoGetMarried so if you do decide to take the online dating plunge, WoG, definitely try a site designed for casual dating instead.
(That's not to say that only people who are looking for casual daters will rate eHarmony poorly. I know it doesn't work for everyone looking to date in order to get married.)
posted at 5/27/2011 3:49 PM EDT
In Response to eDisHarmony
[QUOTE]I was on eHarmony a couple of years ago. Back then my income was tons better, and I had the funds for premium memberships on the dating sites. I had only a few hard limits: No philanderers No smokers No hunters No very pious people. eHarmony only got 1 of 4 right (the philandering part). I checked my profile, essays, questions, etc., and I was indeed quite clear about my limits. I contacted eDisHarmony numerous times, and each time they said they'd be careful with my matches. I was patient and willing to wait. They still got it wrong. Then I read that the Website was started by a minister, so I thought that might have been part of the site's agenda. So I said "Meh," and focused on the hunters and smokers. Well, yep, I got matched with more hunters and more smokers. I didn't ask for a refund, but didn't renew my membership, either. Yet, I know people who have great success with eHarmony. I wonder where I went wrong ... or if eHarmony simply had incompetent customer service reps at that time (2008-2009). Any thoughts?
Posted by reindeergirl[/QUOTE]
Personally, I think you got the run around from the Customer Service people.
You got matched up with people that their software selected to match you with. The Customer Service people have nothing to do with the actual matching so there isn't anything they could possibly have done about it for you. There are no people sitting there looking at profiles and saying "Hey, here's a match for RDG!". All matching is done based on profile field information and their matching algorithm. "Fixing" the problem would require that they re-write their software matching algorithm and it would be highly unusal for them (or any other dating site) to do that on a case-by-case basis.
But keep in mind that all of the dating sites are a bit of a test. I was one of the "1%" that eHarmnony rejected based on their inital screening test so I had zero luck with them. Then I ended up in the "Fake profiles" flood on Match.com so I just gave up on there. And while others see PoF as just a hook-up site, I met my lovely of almost 2 years there. I guess that's just a way of saying that some sites work well for some people and other sites work better for others. You Just need to find one that works for you.
posted at 5/27/2011 4:49 PM EDT
Happy Anniversaray, ALF!
Hi Will. It was my view at the time that eH was a site for people wanting to marry or re-marry. As I want to re-marry (as they say, "that's just me," lol), that's why I joined. I'm also on OKC (better luck as far as the numbers go). PoF gave me men young enough to be my son - and I'm not talking about having babies at age 15, either. Not that there's anything wrong with young men, but, like I said (here or somewhere else, I'm spaced today), commonalities are really important to me. I like 5 - 10 years on either side of my age.
mezzo - interesting.
Jim, I have a fee membership to Match, but I guess I'll now go in as a paying memebr so I can email with people. Congrats on meeting someone nice there! Thank you for the explanation about the software. Since that's the case, I wish eH had an option for a pro-rated refund (providing the member gives substantiated reasons why a refundf is warranted).
Due to financial reasons (which is why I placed that nice dresser up for sale, kar), I had to take an unwanted break from FT grad school (only taking one class at a time now). While my present job is OK and provides some due amount of intellectual gratification, I'm thinking that things will fall together once I'm back to doing what I love. Not that I'll necessarily meet a professor, researcher or fellow grad student, but that this topic might be less important to me then. However, I do feel that if you're paying a lot of money (OK, a lot of money for a student/artist/single mom), something should be given in return. Kar met a terrific man; and Jim explained eH's methodology.
I thank everyone here for their feedback. I found all your comments valuable - and supportive.
posted at 5/27/2011 6:50 PM EDT
eHarmony is a lot of money, I agree, and I'm sorry things haven't gone your way this past year, rdg. Hope things turn around soon in all ways!
The two things I liked about it, though, are what I paid for. They are also the two things that people hate about it and wouldn't pay a dime for.
1. The hoops you have to go through to get to a first date. The computer matches you with people who are complimentory to your personality, but knowing that's only part of the story, they have you go through 4 exercises with matches you choose to pursue (based on their intro page):
- Exchange of the 5 most important multiple choice questions (they give you about 80 to choose from and send to the match you've opened. One of my DH's, for instance, was "Where do you see yourself living in 5 years? a. apartment in city, b. house in suburbs, c. rural neighborhood, d. any of the above." He asked because he built his home where he intends to live forever in a rural community. No matter how well suited we were personality wise, if I'd answered "A" he'd have closed the match and never met me.
- Exchange of "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" (they give you many to choose from and you have to pick and send 10 each. This gets the deal breakers out of the way that, again, are not personality dependent.
- Essay questions. They allow you to ask 3 questions of 250 characters (max) each. That's a large paragraph. The respondent has 1000 characters to answer. My DH asked, "If your husband wanted you to give up your career and be a housewife, would you want to?" You guessed, it bye-bye engineering. But, if my career had been too important to me to give up he'd have closed the match and we'd never have gone out.
- Open communication. If you get this far, you're about to First Date, but as they tell you, once you give personal contact info out, you can't get it back. They allow you to use eHarmony as a drop box for messages while keeping your identity private until one of you goes for it. We communicated about a week or 2 this way before I said, "Here's my number, call me." He did that day. We went out the next day. We got married 11 months later.
2. After the flurry of matches you get based on your personality profiles you get when you first join (because you haven't had the database searched for you yet), it slows to the trickle it becomes due to only people who compliment your personality profile who join after you pop into your match list. I saw that as paying for filtering. Others see it as paying for no matches.
You can set non-personality based requirements, too, like miles away, smoking or non, children, etc. But matches are intially found based on complimentory personality profiles and then narrowed by your non-personality criteria.
Does that help?
posted at 7/24/2011 11:18 AM EDT
I had a friend on edisHarmony. She said it felt like an encounter group. I met my wife on match.com and heavily scrutinized the ladies while I was there. Reading profiles for literacy was a good first step. Short coffee screening dates was my second.
posted at 7/24/2011 2:59 PM EDT
In Response to Re: eDisHarmony
[QUOTE]I am also 52 - the magic number - long ago divorced. I turned 52 a couple months ago so take some advice from a much older (but not wiser), more experienced person. I have never tried any of these online dating sites so cannot really comment on them. I am not looking to remarry but am not particulalry adverse to it either. I can suggest, from a male perspective, that if you listed your dating goal as marriage I would probably take a pass on your profile. I think perhaps many men of our age group would be leery of someone who is specifically looking to get married. Don't put so much pressure on the whole marriage thing.
Posted by WillDeerborn-of-Gilead[/QUOTE]
It's not that the women on there are "screaming" marriage or pressuring anyone into it, it's that eHarmony is designed to bring people together who want to get married, not just date casually for the fun of dating. My husband joined after he finished building his home (which took about 6 years). He'd never been married, was 44, wanted kids, and didn't want to waste time with people who weren't serious about dating with the goal of marrying. We both would have been happy to not get married if we didn't find "the one," but if we were going to date at all it wasn't going to be to simply pass the time by dating...that's why we picked eHarmony, a marriage-centric dating site.
That's not to say you can't have dating relationships that lead to marriage on other sites - however people meet can lead to marriage. But, I got the sense from match that there were lots of people on there who just wanted to date...and date...and date...
posted at 7/25/2011 9:02 AM EDT
I hated E-Harmony & here’s why.
- IMO, the questionnaire is a joke. Aside from age – I’m not sure they pay attention to anything. I specified a 30 mile max distance & I’d get people 45 & 60 miles away.
- I’d go days getting NOTHING, then I’d get 3 people w/ no pictures (another gripe: tons of people don’t post pics).
- The back & fourth is ridiculous, its too easy to lose interest answering EH’s silly questions.
- The days leading up to my subscription ending -- they’d send a BUNCH of matches. Where’d they suddenly come from? Did they join that day? No, my friend was doing it too, I ran names by her & she’d gotten the same guys months ago. Why’d they wait ‘til my subscription ended to send them?To trick me into signing up again.
- They send profiles of non-paying customers – who can’t email you, unless they join. So you’re wasting time writing people who aren’t even members & can’t see your picture.
- It DOES work for some people, but i'd say those are the exception… not the rule.
- Match is no picnic either, but at least you have control over your online dating life rather than leaving it up to a computer. I’d dabbled in both for a few years before meeting my boyfriend (offline). It seemed match was always improving in some way, new ways to search, etc. E-H stayed the same, I thought the system was completely non-user friendly too.
posted at 7/26/2011 7:54 AM EDT
People post pics but make them available after a certain point in the match process. Some people want less focus put on physical appearance than others, another indicator of personality type. My husband and I did choose to make our photos available upon "introduction" (right away), but I think allowing people to make that choice is great.
When you mark "30 mile radius" and they send you a 45 mile, they say, "We know this is out of your radius, but we think so and so is worth a look." They don't send people WAY out of your radius, like California, for instance, and how hard is it to delete the matches they send that are almost there. They don't want you missing out on someone simply because they are 32 miles from your house; they leave it up to you to dismiss someone that close to your preferences.
Of course, you can go for days without a match. The filtering is what you're paying for.
I'm not trying to convince anyone who hates it that they should like it - people like what they like, don't what they don't, and that's fine. But, the things that some people hate about it are what others like and pay for on purpose. To say that success can't possibly be common on EH, though, because you don't like how they work is self centered. The fact that they are still online after all these years proves something.
posted at 7/26/2011 9:01 AM EDT
kargiver, i'm assuming you're directing your “self-centered” comment at me b/c you responded my points. "To say that success can't possibly be common on EH… because you don't like how they work is self centered"
I said "it DOES work for some people". I know 20+ people who used EH & i know 1 couple that married. like i said, it works for some people. Not sure how that makes me self-centered. You had a great experience, i didn't.
I listed reasons i PERSONALLY didn't like EH. I’m not interested in someone who won’t post a picture. 32 miles away, fine – my gripe, were the guys 45 & 60 miles outside boston. My problem with the “filter system” is they waited until my subscription was nearly up before sending a slew of guys (who’d been members for months) – why didn’t they “filter” them in the previous 90 days I was paying for them?
The original poster seemed to think she’d done something wrong by not getting the quality of men she was expecting – I was merely letting her know – by sharing my personal story, that she isn’t alone & it doesn't work for everyone.
there's a million ways to meet someone. I say, whatever works.
posted at 7/26/2011 9:08 AM EDT
Yes, it was directed at you, but I didn't mean to imply you are a self-centered person at all, just that the conclusion you seemed to draw about it helping very few people, actually, because of your bad experience and what you didn't like about it...that was a self-centered conclusion imo.
It would be the same self-centered conclusion for me to say that EVERYONE will succeed with it because I liked everything about it.
Actually, we all draw self-centered conclusions about how others will respond to things we've experienced - it's human nature. It doesn't make us self-centered, per se, and I didn't imply otherwise about you.
ETA: My DH actually insists I'll like a taste of his blueberry ice cream every time he gets some. I have hated it my whole life, and I tell him every time...it's been years. It's a self-centered conclusion that I'll like it simply because he does. He's not a self-centered person, however - that's why he keeps offering me some of his "yummy" ice cream, lol.
posted at 7/26/2011 2:47 PM EDT
I tried it and didnt like it either. Matches were poorly selected, and I cancelled at the earliest opportunity!
Glad for everyone that does have luck with it!