Ex advice please

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from MamaPa. Show MamaPa's posts

    Ex advice please

    My S/O have been together a year now and it has been wonderful. The biggest problem I have is with his exgirlfriend. She will text him every morning to say good morning even when she knows I am there. It came to a head when on Easter she texted him and he didn't respond because I was there and she called demanded why he didn't text back. He went on to explain that I was there and couldn't talk. He seemed aggravated with the whole experience and I let him know I didn't like it. I told him he needs to tell her to stop and he said he would but she keeps on doing the same thing. What do I do? And do I need to worry?
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    If his answer is that he can't interact with her on a daily basis because you're there when she calls, that ought to tell you something.  How about he doesn't interact with her every day because, um, they broke up and it's inappropriate to chat every day especially now that he has a long-term relationship.  The fact that you are standing there at the time she makes contact should be immaterial; he should tell her in no uncertain terms that he is with YOU.   

    He needs to man up and tell her it is unacceptable to call him, text him, email him or anything else.  And, if she continues to do so that he will ignore and delete all of her attempts to reach him until she gives up and moves on.

    If he is unwilling to do that, you are in a no-win relationship with a man still in love with his ex.  His taking her calls/texts/emails when you aren't around and blaming her for doing the intiating of the communication is a passive way of not taking responsibility for still having feelings for her.  A man worthy of your time (after investing a year with him) would absolutely not allow her to have her nose in his daily life.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from MamaPa. Show MamaPa's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    In Response to Ex advice please:
    [QUOTE]My S/O have been together a year now and it has been wonderful. The biggest problem I have is with his exgirlfriend. She will text him every morning to say good morning even when she knows I am there. It came to a head when on Easter she texted him and he didn't respond because I was there and she called demanded why he didn't text back. He went on to explain that I was there and couldn't talk. He seemed aggravated with the whole experience and I let him know I didn't like it. I told him he needs to tell her to stop and he said he would but she keeps on doing the same thing. What do I do? And do I need to worry?
    Posted by MamaPa[/QUOTE]

    Thank You, I have been thinking the same thing and making up excuses in my mind that maybe he needs to feel needed (which is actually true, another problem) and that he hasn't really let go yet; no matter what he tells me.Just not sure what to do.

     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    Either decide you want to put up with his continued relationship with his ex or you don't.  His excuses or yours that you make up for him don't do you or your relationship with him any good.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    Simple solution: have him change his number. 

    No ex calls every day unless they have some kind of mental problem. Even if they are just 'friends'. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't call all my 'friends' every day just to say Hi.  The only person I do that w/ is my SO. 
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    One has to seriously consider that he wants the calls to continue if the ex gf still knows he'll answer when you aren't around a year after he started dating you.

    His excuse, "I can't take this call because my gf is standing here," does not say to me that he needs help regarding getting her to stop calling.  If he had told you, "I'm exasperated that she keeps calling, what do I do to make it stop?" that would give me hope that he just doesn't know how to handle it effectively. 

    Instead, the bottom line sounds like he enjoys having an every-day interaction with his ex and wishes she had a better sense of timing so as to call when you aren't there.  Confront him and do not accept that she's the problem at this point as a viable reason for the continued interaction.

    ETA:  I think offering him tips about how to get someone to stop calling would be appropriate if it had been a month of unwanted calls.  12 months, on the other hand, is plenty long enough for anyone to have done something effective about it if they had wanted to.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from sugarxo. Show sugarxo's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    After a year he is still communicating with her? That is suspicious.  You dont give much info about their relationship, if they ended on good terms (apparently) or on bad terms.  But regardless of how it ended, they are still in contact.  If it was someone he dated 15 years ago that would be one thing, but this is recent.
    Keep your ears and eyes open. He still has feelings for her, sorry to be blunt, but life is too short to gloss over the obvious.  I wouldnt fly off the handle, because nobody appreciates a crazy, suspicious girlfriend. But take lots of mental notes. Then go find yourself someone who appreciates you!

     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from catnmouse. Show catnmouse's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    If there isn't something still going on with them then she has some major issues. She is doing this to get to you and erode your relationship with him because she wants him back.  Does she have a new BF? It seems like he doesn't want to hurt her feelings but he needs to man up and tell her to stop calling.  If I were you I would explain how you feel and tell him that he needs to tell her IN FRONT OF YOU so you know it was told to her.  If he can't do that then you need to evaluate this relationship. If he does tell her and she continues to call and text he can block the number from calling and texting him, maybe then this unbalanced girl will get the hint.  Good luck, please let us know how it goes.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from TheTinMan. Show TheTinMan's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    Listen to Kargiver.  Wise.
    There are some pieces of information that would help clarify the situation, and assist those offering advice here:
    1.  How long were they together before breaking up?
    2.  Why did they break up?
    3.  Who did the breaking up?
    4.  How long after they broke up did he start seeing you?
    5.  Has the daily calling been going on the entire time since they split, or did it start some time after he starting seeing you?
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from Amethyst2. Show Amethyst2's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    Well, the only reason I could see for continuing communication after a breakup would be if there's a child  involved.  There's no mention of that...

    I knew someone who was in a similar situation, and what he ended up doing, with his (inthis case, wife!) right there in the room with him (*his* insistence) was to tell her to stop calling.  Period.  No joke, no games...she had been pretty persistently calling, and it was very clear she was trying to get him back.  He had tried "nice" letting her know that he was now married, and in fact, had (at that point) one child.  Happily married.  Moved on.  She kept calling.  His wife felt absolutely no threat from her; she was very secure in the marriage, and the ex lived several states away.  But him, on speaker phone with the wife right there, is what it took.

    Now the piece that kar brings up -- can't talk "because my girlfriend is here" is an important red flag, and her advice on that is well worth listening to.
    That may well make a difference...getting some clarity on his commitment to the relationship is the most important first step here.  Find out what's going on when the girlfriend is *not* around would be an important precedent to the above.  Would he be willing to be that firm, with the ex, with the girlfriend right there??

     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from yogafriend. Show yogafriend's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

     It would help to have more details, especially confirming that your BF was the dumper, but bottom line?  She's way out of line, and he has, for whatever reason, allowed her to call him and stay in touch.  I've been on relationship boards for years, and believe me, this is very common.  You either go "no contact" after the r/l is over (and is recommended), or you pay the price, suffer the consequences, or put up with an ex who is going to become a problem.

    What's not clear is why he is putting up with her.  They "planned" to be friends?  They "tried' to be friends?   He tried to let her down easy?  And now she's gone overboard with you in the picture? 

    I would not put up with it, and feel as Kar does, it's your choice here.  It's up to you if you want to tolerate it, or put your foot down.    Apparently, he's not going to do it on his own, so you either tell him this will soon become a deal breaker, or live with a third person in your relationship.  He can block her, and just stop taking her calls.  Ignore.  It's very simple.  Before doing that, I like the idea of sitting right beside him when he TELLS HER, yes, right in front of you, that he cannot be friends with her, and to stop contacting him. 

    Of course, there are times when two people do part as friends, and have an amicable breakup, but this does not seem to be one of them.   Friends do not act aggravated when another friend calls.  Just seeing how this guy is handling this situation is a HUGE red flag, IMHO.  You're seeing how he handles himself in a difficult situation.  Not too impressive, is he?      Take care and good luck.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    Maybe ex is the dramatic emotional-wreck type and he is being her enabler?
    If she is on the edge of sanity, he might not want to push her over the edge and sees "harmless" texting as nothing to bother about changing. 
    Still, now he knows it ruffles your feathers he might try helping her find a friend or 2, and easing slowly out for them to deal with her. 
    Just cutting her off shows the message loud and clear, but also makes you look insecure in your relationship with him. Great, thats now a love triangle of 3 insecure people! Ouch.
    You can always have an "accident" with his cellphone oneday, meaning he has to get a new one, and giving the the option of not giving out his number to her again. Not a good option there as the choice has to come from him to cut her off. 
     
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    I think the fact that it's been going on a year negates the need for questions and more details.  At this point if he's keeping up with her (taking her calls), he wants to do so.

    Let's not muddy the waters.  The only relavent question is, "BF, do you want to be involved with me or her?"  It's mutually exclusive, and he's had plenty of time to work this out in a fashion that shows he's chosen the current gf.  The emotional state of the ex, who dumped whom and why, etc. is all irrelvant a year after he and the current gf started dating.

     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    I talk to my ex-wife almost every day because we have kids - and without regard for our divorce - we still discuss the kid's schedule, school, discipline issues and medical issues. If that was upsetting to someone I was dating or married to I'd tell them to suck it up - it's about the kids, not the Ex.

    If your Hubby and ExGF have no kids - you didn't say - there is no reason to talk to each other - period.

    Please note, "YOUR" Hubby and his ExGF are having - at the very least - an emotional affair - in front of you no less!
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    (and they wish it weren't in front of you, but darn it, you're always there!)
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from lukeseri58. Show lukeseri58's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    agree with roger taylor and kar - if kids are in involved, suck it up if they aint -- tell him its a deal breaker and do it now -- you've waited long enough
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from TheTinMan. Show TheTinMan's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    Kargiver, as much as I generally agree with you on this, I had good reasons for asking those questions, to which I believe the OP already knows the answers.
    Knowing that information can help with an understanding of the situation, and more importantly, an understanding of the BF here.
    For example, what if BF started dating the OP while he was still seeing the ex?  What if the break-up was over his "cheating" on the ex?  Yes, I would agree that after a year that should be moot between the ex and the BF, but it certainly bears some relevancy to the how the BF is treating the OP.
    While the OP wrote in about this particular situation, I would want to have the OP look at the dynamics of the current relationship with an eye towards past relationships.  I'm expecting that this is not the first time OP has been involved with someone that doesn't seem to care that much about how she really feels. Yet, she thinks things are "wonderful".
    I do agree with your advice for what OP needs to do right now.

    All apologies to MamaPa--I really do feel badly that you are going through something like this.  I've been through the "not over the ex" too many times.

     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    Agreed, the answers to those questions can be a learning exercise regarding pre-relationship radar/discernment for the future.  But, we also agree that for this relationship after all this time the answers are totally irrelevant.  I said to forgo asking them because a discussion like that will only devolve into an unedifying mess and will drag out an already painful breakup process. 

    The answers to the these questions can be explored hypothetically in therapy and be even more effective as a learning tool in that setting because the answers can be discussed without emotions getting in the way, without defensiveness clouding the issue, and with someone who is trained to teach the most from the situation to their client.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from TheTinMan. Show TheTinMan's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    Definitely agreed.
    As to asking those questions, I probably wasn't clear.  I was asking them for people here commenting to help gain some clarity on the overall dynamics.  I did not mean that she should start asking the BF those things, if she doesn't already know.  After 1 year, you are right, that would be pointless and just muddy the waters.
    I was going on the assumption that the OP already knows those things, and sharing them here might help us help her.
    But, you know what happens when you assume things.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    Therapy can be, "poor, poor, sad little me, me, me, me..." that never ends and goes nowhere.

    But, on the other hand, therapy can be a way to learn new life skills (discernment, coping skills, communication skills, etc.) that can keep a person from repeating past mistakes.  That constructive type of therapy naturally stops when those skills are acquired and the person feels empowered to go forward knowing more than they did before about relationships and how to choose ones that work for emotionally healthy reasons.  They benefit from having gone to therapy for replacing self sabotaging habits with healthy ones.

    Most insurance plans do have a mental health allowance, but if one can't afford it, obviously it's not an option.

    TinMan, just saw your latest when I posted the above to Robin's therapy comment.  I'm sorry I misunderstood your "questions" post.  I understand, now.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from sugarxo. Show sugarxo's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    LW is being jealous and BF is being disrespectful.
    Time for him to man up and stop trying to have his cake and eat it too ....... 

    Make a decision, girlie. Force HIM to make a decision. Then go meet someone new.
    Cool
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from MamaPa. Show MamaPa's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    In Response to Re: Ex advice please:
    [QUOTE]Listen to Kargiver.  Wise. There are some pieces of information that would help clarify the situation, and assist those offering advice here: 1.  How long were they together before breaking up? 2.  Why did they break up? 3.  Who did the breaking up? 4.  How long after they broke up did he start seeing you? 5.  Has the daily calling been going on the entire time since they split, or did it start some time after he starting seeing you?
    Posted by TheTinMan[/QUOTE]
    These  are the answers  1. About 7 months 2. she said she needed a break to think about things. 3. she did. 4. about 6 months. 5. It started after she broke up with her new BF about 5 months into my relationship with him. 
    I want to say thank you to everyone who has posted. We have talked again with no progress. Him saying they are only friends and really doesn't talk just says good morning and I saying it is not appropriate. And to others who have asked; no children are involved.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from MamaPa. Show MamaPa's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    In Response to Re: Ex advice please:
    [QUOTE]Agreed, the answers to those questions can be a learning exercise regarding pre-relationship radar/discernment for the future.  But, we also agree that for this relationship after all this time the answers are totally irrelevant.  I said to forgo asking them because a discussion like that will only devolve into an unedifying mess and will drag out an already painful breakup process.  The answers to the these questions can be explored hypothetically in therapy and be even more effective as a learning tool in that setting because the answers can be discussed without emotions getting in the way, without defensiveness clouding the issue, and with someone who is trained to teach the most from the situation to their client.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]
    I already had this info as he has been very forthcoming without me even asking. I just posted the responses
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from TheTinMan. Show TheTinMan's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    MamaPa--First, let me say again that I am sorry you are going through this.
    Thank  you for providing the additional information.  From what I can see here now, the ex has a problem with being alone, and she is using your BF as a crutch.  They were apart nearly a year (broken up 6 months before he started seeing you, and then another 5 months into your relationship) before she started this daily routine, and that was only after she broke up her next BF.
    I can only guess, but I would think that once she gets serious about someone else, the contact will cease--she, no doubt, will have no problem seeing it as "inappropriate".
    That doesn't mean that you should wait it out.
    Your BF needs to start understanding that he is being used, and that allowing himself to be used this way is negatively impacting your relationship.  If he has other female friends that you don't mind him being in contact with, you can use that to help bolster your position (as in, you don't mind him having female friends, but someone that has to be in touch every day, first thing in the morning, as if they were married and he was out of town on a business trip is just too much). 
    I am almost never in favor of ultimatums in a relationship, but this sounds like a deal-breaker for you.  Think carefully about this before putting it on the table, because you have to be prepared for him not to choose you, and you must follow through.
    But, if it is something you cannot live with, it's something you cannot live with.  Only you know the answer to that question.
    I wish you the best.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Ex advice please

    Seeing how it plays out is a ship that's left the dock.  It has played out.  It's been a year.  You'd be a mommy figure if you forbid communication with the ex after a couple of weeks (or months even).  A year later, you're a woman who's deciding to not be jerked around by someone not committed enough to your emotional well being (or his own, frankly) to take care of this situation long before now.
     

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