Eye candy

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from sylvs18. Show sylvs18's posts

    Eye candy

    I dont consider myself insecure but maybe this is it?? Not too sure
     
    I am in my late twenties dating a man a few years older than I am for a little over a year.  As a female, we are all insecure at least once in our lives.  I grew out of the "he watches porn" phase or knowing his who his favorite celebrities are.  I dont even get bothered when he glances at another attractive women.  For some reason, it doesnt bother me and I know we have all done that.

    But the one thing that bothers me is his internet searches.  I noticed he enjoys going on websites where other female readers send pictures of themselves as well as galleries of models.  None nude, just mostly attractive girls showing off their assets.  There are about 2-3 galleries posted a day.  I do understand it is eye candy, but I feel like it's more of a hobby to him.  I asked him about it, and all he says is that it means nothing.  I don't want to bring it up again because I know the answer will not change.  I now feel as if everywhere we go he will compare women.  I hate thinking that maybe he compares me or that one day he will change his preference.  I do consider myself very attractive at athletic but no model type.

    I know you might consider this insecurity, but I am not sure if this "eye candy" does effect him and his brain.  He does joke around with liking women with plastic surgery etc.  but I brush it off.   I know it is a guy thing and sometimes a girl thing too.  I just don't know how to go about with accepting that he enjoys looking at these type of women so different from me.  I guess any advise from men will work.

    Thanks!   
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Why are you approaching this relationship as if you were a teenager?  Life goes by fast!  A woman in her late twenties has no need for a manchild in her life.  Does it matter to you that you are currently at your optimal child bearing age and currently wasting your time with a man who's into porn (which you've justified?!), flirting constantly online, etc.?  Will you look back at 40 and say, "What was I thinking?"  Believe it or not, time zips by from 28 to 38 and suddenly you wonder what happened to what could have been the best adult years of your life.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from sylvs18. Show sylvs18's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]Why are you approaching this relationship as if you were a teenager?  Life goes by fast!  A woman in her late twenties has no need for a manchild in her life.  Does it matter to you that you are currently at your optimal child bearing age and currently wasting your time with a man who's into porn (which you've justified?!), flirting constantly online, etc.?  Will you look back at 40 and say, "What was I thinking?"  Believe it or not, time zips by from 28 to 38 and suddenly you wonder what happened to what could have been the best adult years of your life.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]


    Thank you for your response!  I guess the reason why I am with him is because I feel we get along very well and he has many great qualities.  I can say this is the one and only problem we have (or I have)  that is why it is very difficult for me to undertsand this all.  I am not sure how to come about this at all!
     
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  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    OK, I'll bite...

    If you find his behavior - looking at models, porn pics whatever - disturbing then it is!

    Now you have to make a choice - stay or go?

    Oh, and if your hoping he will "change" his behavior because you asked him to....sorry, he'll just do it on his cell phone, work computer or friends computer!

    Don't settle! While you say your "no model" I hope as a person you have a sense of self worth and are old enough to have figured out that there are guy's out there that would love to be with a great person! not just a girl that has model good looks! Wink
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    When the "only" problem you have is a deal breaker (or should be one if you were to have a healthy self esteem, imo) that means all the great qualities he may have aren't enough to make the relationship worth it.

    But, only you can decide if it's a deal breaker.  His porn watching, oogling of other women, flirting online would be deal breakers for me regardless of how many "good qualities" he might have because I value myself more than to spend time with anyone who places any value on those activities.

    Life goes by fast.  I hope you won't waste any more of it not recognizing and dealing effectively and efficiently with deal-breaking behavior.  Accepting these types of things by rationalizing them away does NOTHING other than allow you to waste your life with a guy that you spend most of the time reflecting on the relationship telling yourself he's not that bad.

    Unless, that is, you really value yourself so little that those things are NOT deal breakers.  In that case there's nothing you can do for yourself, him, or the relationship - it is what it is, and it will always be so.

    Not all men enjoy porn.  Not all men flirt with other women.  Not all men drool and oogle other women (although, they do notice - they aren't dead).  You don't have to accept those things to have a relationship.  

    This is not a simple case of normal self doubt, imo.  I believe you'd have to loathe yourself to think this is the best you can do.  It's quickly becoming too late for you to make decisions to spend the majority of your time with people who enhance the quality your life, not detract from it.  Keep choosing "detract" and you are going to be another miserable, bitter middle aged woman.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    I don't see where the OP says he's flirting. It seems to me that he's looking, perving, on pics. Men are visual. So are some women. For some, it ehances their relationship and sex life. For others, it detracts.

    Is his perving on pics that it's affecting work or school? How much time does it take away from you? There was a Love Letter about this about a month ago.

    As long as it doesn't affect my relationship, I don't care care if a man looks at pics, pRoN, other women, etc. Chatting is another story. I want to be the woman to whom he returns at home at the end of the day, and the one with whom he wakes up at the beginning of it. Looking at pics is of no concern to me if he engages with those pics and sites in a holistic way. YMMV.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Keep choosing "detract" and you are going to be another miserable, bitter middle aged woman.
    -----

    Oh, kar. How about a bitter, middle-aged man? Or, how about, we can remake ourselves at any age. A man I knew met the great love of his life when he was in his 60s after two failed marriages. He had seven good years with her before cancer took him, but what years they were.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    I'm off to make dinner. Wishing everyone a really find evening, and thank you all for the radiant conversation today.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Oh, rdg.  You cannot keep making decisions that detract from your sense of self worth and happiness and redefine your life to be better than it ever was.  In order to have a positive redefinition, one needs to make positive changes.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Sorry, can't help myself. Since this thread's titled Eye Candy, here's a little Marcy Playground:



    Hangin' round downtown by myself
    And I had so much time
    To sit and thinkabout myself
    And then there she was
    Like double cherry pie
    Yeah there she was
    Like disco superfly
    I smell sex and candy here
    Who's thatlounging in my chair
    Who's that casting devious stares
    In my direction
    Mama this surely is a dream

    Hangin' round downtown by myself
    And I had too much caffeine
    And I was thinkin' 'bout myself
    And then there she was
    In platform double suede
    Yeah there she was
    Like disco lemonade
    I smell sex and candy here
    Who's that lounging in my chair
    Who's that casting devious stares
    In my direction
    Mama this surely is a dream
    Mama this surely is a dream
    I smell sex and candy here
    Who's that lounging in my chair
    Who's that casting devious stares
    In my direction
    Mama this surely is a dream
    Mama this surely is a dream
    Yeah mama this must be my dream

     http://www.lyricsondemand.com/onehitwonders/sexandcandylyrics.html
     

     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    What does it matter, kar, if in the end one finally finds happiness and peace? Humans aren't so fragile, we can survive the bad times.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    ETA: That is, your species, h. sapiens. My family, cervidae? Much hardier. Except when the h. sapiens hunters are out there with their guns and arrows.

    File:Reindeer licking salt from roadway.jpg
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]What does it matter, kar, if in the end one finally finds happiness and peace? Humans aren't so fragile, we can survive the bad times.
    Posted by reindeergirl[/QUOTE]

    If one keeps making bad decisions, especially with respect to relationships, all of life is bad times.  Then you die.

    And, if you think you can teach me anything about how humans can survive hard times, you don't know me well at all.  I'll spare you the life sob story, but suffice it to say I didn't start off in my perfect little world out here in the woods.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    No, because within those bad decisions, one may find good ones:

    Au milieu de l'hiver, j'apprenais enfin qu'il y avait en moi un été invincible.
    -- Camus    

    In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.

    For example, I made a terrible decision in marrying that man. And then, I stopped running to the "bad boys" and saw how much freedom and love there could be in more settled, kinder men. I may not have been able to do that without having been married to a man who rained sh*t on everyone.
     
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In any event, I hardly feel being with a man who likes looking at pictures constitutes a bad decision. Maybe it does for the OP, otherwise she wouldn't have posted her dilemma. But I don't feel it's such a thing that will shatter her like crystal breaking. It's a hurdle for her. She'll discuss it with her man. He told her it "means nothing." Why not accept what he says at face value? Unless, as I said before, it starts to affect their intimate life.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    That sounds so wise and well read, rdg, but the fact is that if you keep accepting ugly relationships in your life, believing it to be all you're worthy of, your life will stay ugly.

    You can quote yourself to the high heavens, but that's the truth.  This OP doesn't think she's worthy of a better man.  That's sad.  That's the whole story imo.  Not everything is worthy of digging out an apropos quote to explain.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    That sounds so wise and well read, rdg, but the fact is that if you keep accepting ugly relationships in your life, believing it to be all you're worthy of, your life will stay ugly.
    -----

    Who said the OP is the person you describe? She's having trouble with one aspect of a relationship - this guy can't keep his eyeballs in their sockets.

    Who says the relationship is ugly? He seems (IMHO) to have an annoying habit.

    Who says she can't walk away? We know nothing about her, except that his perving on pics is causing trouble in this particular relationship.

    Given how women are objectified, I feel it's natural for the OP to feel insecure. Her BF needs a taste of his own medicine, I say. She should bring it.

    And sylvs, my dear, we are all "model types." We are all somebody - that includes you.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    If you don't like Camus, don't read Camus. I find much to learn about life in him.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    I said it was apropos.

    And, you've made just as many assumptions, albeit different ones, about the OP and her soon to be rosy life that will bloom from her current relationship full of the bright promise of tomorrow being another day.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    I said it was apropos.
    ----

    OK then. I stand corrected on that.

    The rest ... omphaloskepsis.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Beauty fades; dumb is forever. - Judge Judy.

    How's that for a learned and apropos quote?

    He's with you, in three dimensions. He's looking at them, in 2 dimensions. As long as there is no 'chat' section of the website, I don't see the harm. You could ask that he do it when you are not around, which seems to be the focus. How else do you know he's doing this? If you are scanning his browser history, well, I think there are other problems w/ this relationship. Sit down and chat w/ him about it and see where it goes.  

    You can either be an adult and talk about it with him or stew quietly. I personally think it's a silly hobby, but I'm not a guy.  I don't know of any person, male or female, who does not look at and admire beautiful/handsome people.  Going to websites to do so rather than waiting for them to pass by, though, seems a little weird. 
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    He might have an addiction.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Lol. Okay. He 'may' have an addiction. And he 'may' not.  I don't know how you are getting 'addiction' from the OP's post. She said he does this as a 'hobby', not that he is calling in sick to work or ignoring her to 'perv' on some photos on the internet.

    The simple thing to do is to ask him not to do it when you are around.  And if you are snooping in his web browser to see what he was doing, then stop.  Own your relationship - if something bothers you, tell him. Don't accuse him of doing anything, but just tell him how you feel. 
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]When the "only" problem you have is a deal breaker (or should be one if you were to have a healthy self esteem, imo) that means all the great qualities he may have aren't enough to make the relationship worth it. But, only you can decide if it's a deal breaker.  His porn watching, oogling of other women, flirting online would be deal breakers for me regardless of how many "good qualities" he might have because I value myself more than to spend time with anyone who places any value on those activities. Life goes by fast.  I hope you won't waste any more of it not recognizing and dealing effectively and efficiently with deal-breaking behavior.  Accepting these types of things by rationalizing them away does NOTHING other than allow you to waste your life with a guy that you spend most of the time reflecting on the relationship telling yourself he's not that bad. Unless, that is, you really value yourself so little that those things are NOT deal breakers.  In that case there's nothing you can do for yourself, him, or the relationship - it is what it is, and it will always be so. Not all men enjoy porn.  Not all men flirt with other women.  Not all men drool and oogle other women (although, they do notice - they aren't dead).  You don't have to accept those things to have a relationship.   This is not a simple case of normal self doubt, imo.  I believe you'd have to loathe yourself to think this is the best you can do.  It's quickly becoming too late for you to make decisions to spend the majority of your time with people who  enhance the quality   your life, not detract from it.  Keep choosing "detract" and you are going to be another miserable, bitter middle aged woman.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    This seems extremely judgemental of the poster. Telling her that she should agree with your views or she does not respect herself is quite odd. An ultimatum almost.
    There are many kinds of people in the world eg people who love porn, people who hate porn etc. Obviously Kar is in the hating camp, but this is coloring a lot of her views. Please, poster, take her "advice" with a large dose of biased salt on this topic.

     

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