Eye candy

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    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]cb, I think rdg was saying that men are more responsive to direct communication because they are not as naturally adept at picking up on subtle hints. ---- ^^That^^
    Posted by reindeergirl[/QUOTE]

    OP stated: "I did point out the fact that it's mostly all girls and doesnt make me feel good about myself".

    What was indirect about that?  Help me out here, I'm just an obtuse guy.
    Tongue out
     
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    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Eye candy : I'll bet you a beer on the outcome.  This OP has been very open. My money's on her sucking it up and letting this go (despite our encouragement to do something different). OP - I bet RT likes free beer
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    CHC--yer cracking me up.
    I'm surprised no one's suggested she go to a LL event and hang out with the Lovelies.  They'll set her straight.

    PS You might be right that she just sucks this up, but I don't believe she can let this go.  I think if she stays on, this is going to eat her up inside.
     
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    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]I assume you are working and have health insurance, please call your PCP and ask for a referral for professional counseling, unless you have a family member or close friend that can advise you.  Please don't listen to strangers ... they don't know you.    This is from someone who recieved bad advice when they were younger and wishes she didn't take it!
    Posted by dog-lady[/QUOTE]

    Yah! and don't go to webMD.com for a diagnosis either!.....LOL

    Laughing
     
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    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Eye candy : I'll bet you a beer on the outcome.  This OP has been very open. My money's on her sucking it up and letting this go (despite our encouragement to do something different). OP - I bet RT likes free beer
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    mmmmmmm.....bbbbeeeeerrrrrrrr!

     
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    Re: Eye candy


    "The cause of and solution to all life's problems."
     
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    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Eye candy : OP stated: "I did point out the fact that it's mostly all girls and doesnt make me feel good about myself". What was indirect about that?  Help me out here, I'm just an obtuse guy.
    Posted by cb156[/QUOTE]

    Meh, it sounded kind of iffy to me. Also, it sounds like he has to be responsible for her feelings. Sylvs has to work on her self-esteem without putting it on his shoulders, IMHO. I thought men didn't like whiney, unless one is a whiney man.
     
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    Re: Eye candy

    In this situation, I think she's been as direct as she needs to be - he can't possibly have missed the idea that she's not on board with the porn and it makes her feel bad about herself and her sexuality as it relates to fulfilling his needs.

    Either she thinks she's worthy of having a relationship that is mutually fulfilling or she doesn't.  
     
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    Re: Eye candy

    OTOH, maybe he just doesn't want to hear her. He likes looking at pictures. It could be more important to him than a relationship.

     
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    Re: Eye candy

    There is a simple litmus test for OP..............

    move out for 30 days....

    They get back together - same as before...
    They don't get back together - he finds what he's looking for...
    They get back together - he realizes he needed to change his behavior and does...
    She realizes, I can do better, and doesn't go back to him...
    She realizes she feels better about herself without him in her life....................

    Just a thought.....
     
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    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]OTOH, maybe he just doesn't want to hear her. He likes looking at pictures. It could be more important to him than a relationship.
    Posted by reindeergirl[/QUOTE]

    That's my take if, in fact, she's expressed herself as she's depicted here.  He'd be more than "obtuse" to have not gotten it by now and choosing not to change behavior that he knows makes his girlfriend feel like less of a woman.  Imo, that means it's time to move on for both of them.  Why wouldn't HE want a woman that is at least neutral about his being into porn if that's what he wants to do?  Why wouldn't SHE want someone focused sexually all on her if that's what she needs to feel good (or at least better) about herself?  I do understand why this is a difficult situation.  But, I don't understand why it is so confusing to her.
     
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    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Eye candy : To be honest, I smell manipulation here on his part. If your romantic partner doesn't affirm your need to feel sexual, who will?
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]
     

    Sooooo, why would any girl/woman subject themselves to this kind of "manipulation?" - rhetorical question...

    As a guy I need to be affirmed too, it's not gender biased.  I have feelings and an ego too! She admits/states - she's hurt.

    The OP needs to see this for the life lesson that it is, learn from it and move on...

    ...and yes I know, easier said then done.
     
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    Re: Eye candy

    RT,

    I'm sure all the wimmenz here would be happy to affirm you. Smile
     
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    Re: Eye candy

    RT, you'll be a catch for some lucky lady someday! :)
     
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    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Eye candy : It's easy to have a blind spot for manipulative behavior.  Especially if it was common in your family. Awareness is the first step.  Taking action often takes longer.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    One would think the "hurt" would motivate one to change their situation regarding - manipulation, awareness and taking action.....unless of course you're a masochist - then stick it out!

    .....just sayin'

    Wink
     
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    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Eye candy : One would think the "hurt" would motivate one to change their situation regarding - manipulation, awareness and taking action.....unless of course you're a masochist - then stick it out! .....just sayin'
    Posted by RogerTaylor[/QUOTE]

    If you lack self-confidence, or to be more precise, suffer from low self-esteem, your first inclinations are to essentially blame yourself for the "hurt" or "manipulation".
    You think "I must have done something", "I don't deserve better", "I must be too sensitive", "What I feel has no value or is silly".
    Those last couple are where I think the OP is at.  She knows how she feels, is leaning towards just discounting it, but isn't really certain.
     
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    Re: Eye candy

    "What are the ways that you can build self esteem in others?  When you hit a low point in your life, how did you build your own self esteem?"  Corporate Hippie Chick


    Corporate Hippie Chick -- i think that's a *great* question, that deserves its own thread...would you like to post it separately?  Would you give me permission to do it (crediting you, of course!)
     
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    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Eye candy:
    perhaps he's considering gender reconfiguration and is wondering what features would look best on him.
     
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    Re: Eye candy

    CHC--Hmm, interesting questions.  Clearly there is no one formula for doing it.
    How do you build self-esteem in others? I take that question to mean in general, as opposed to "I know someone with low self-esteem, and I want to make a project out of them.  How do I go about fixing them?"
    For me, I think it is just about treating other people with respect.  Listen to what they have to say, be decent to them.  If you disagree, debate without name calling.  Be positive, point out things they can do well and things they achieve on their own. Lead by example.  I don't think it's your job, unless you are a professional, to spend your time telling someone "you're worthwhile, you're a good person."  Treat them as a good person.  It's up to them to realize what that means about themselves.  I took a fiction writing class once, and I received one piece of advice from the instructor that applies to a lot of things in life:  "Show me, don't tell me."
    How did I build my own self-esteem? 
    I took up a hobby and seriously threw myself into it.
    And that's where it began.  I ended up becoming an accepted part of a community.  I learned--a lot.  I started to see that others were glad to see me, and respected my abilities and knowledge.  When I saw things that I was able to accomplish, I could say "you did that, just you.  No one did it for you."  I began to see that I had good people around me, people that liked who I was, found me interesting and felt I actually had something to offer. When I thought about that, I found that it had always been true, I just had never allowed myself to see it or accept it.
    This opened my eyes to what it felt like to be loved and accepted.  And that I had been getting into relationships that did nothing but re-inforce my feelings of not being good enough--the old "we seek out what feels familiar, even if it's not good for us". I was able to start standing up at that point, and say that was no longer acceptable, I was good enough, I was not going to settle for being second-best.
    Yes, I stumbled into a few more relationships with people who were emotionally unavailable.  But I was able to recognize it and get out of it.
    None of this happened overnight.  It was a long, hard, sometimes extremely lonely journey.  I've learned to question when I feel like I'm not good enough, or even laugh at it, instead of just agreeing with it.  But I admit that sometimes I still hear it inside me.

    "When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago"  --Nietzche

     

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