Eye candy

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Very nice, CB.

    I'm about to do the same thing. I'm launching a zine next summer. Whether it succeeds or fails, I''ll be able to say "I did it." Hence, your hobby.

    (Announcements will go out on fb and elsewhere. This is going to be a Luddite-produced zine  - paper copy, no Website, at least not yet.)
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Wow!
    I have just been reading all these comments and I have to say I am nonplussed!
    I know that in the USA everything is considered disposable, including relationships, but to dump a guy because he looked at some photos of DRESSED women is bizarre.  Really totally and completely bizarre. 
    So thats my first point. 
    The second is that this guy has switched types to a deeper kind of relationship, and moved away from barbie dolls. He is clearly evolving. Yes, he looks at pics of women, so do millions of other guys (thats the reason the internet was invented, right? - LOL). But a lot of you cant seem to separate imagination-land (ie internet) from reality. Sure it bugs the poster, so what? It probably bugs her if he farts in bed, she gonna dump him for it? 
    I would beg the poster to please take a reality check. The advice you are getting on these boards is terribly terribly skewed.
    If her bf was looking at this stuff in front of her that would be disrespectful, just as if a guy said "hey baby" as a model passed by. But he did not do this. He did it, as far as I can tell, in his own "man-time". 
    On the flipside maybe he hates her shopping. Would she internet shop in front of him? Its no more lame than that. Or would she post on lame BDC forums in front of him if he hated it, and it ruined their together-time (what do your own  spouses think of your doing that BTW?)
    People dislike things about the other. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Unfortunately the hard-work aspect of making things work has gone in this day and age. Everyone is just soooo lazy. 

    Thirdly, The poster is really asking if this is a sign of things to come, and if he will revert to barbie-dolls? Nobody has that answer, not even him. But I have to say I doubt it. No-one can predict the future, but if all her problems are is that he looks at CLOTHED women on a website when she is not there, then I have to say thats uber-lame, but a sign of a very healthy relationship if thats her only gripe.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Focusing on what he's doign and if you approve or not is completely irrelavent. What you find to be small potatoes, she finds to be a source of insecurity.  A relationship should build both parties up, not tear one (or both) of them down.  If it doesn't, it's not worth being in.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]Focusing on what he's doign and if you approve or not is completely irrelavent. What you find to be small potatoes, she finds to be a source of insecurity.  A relationship should build both parties up, not tear one (or both) of them down.  If it doesn't, it's not worth being in.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    You are correct. That's why I never gave my approval or dissaproval of his act. I just said it was not that relevant and definitely not a reason to get rid of him. 
    Although, you never answered my question. What does your own husband think of your BDC forum crack addiction?

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Does anyone remember that scene in the film My Life as a Dog, where the elderly boarder gets off on all those girdles in a Sears-type catalogue?
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Wow! Sound familiar.......

    My BF has a fetish that is starting to disrupt our relationship and I wondered if anyone else has dealt with this before.

    He's an aquaphiliac to a degree that seems abnormal to me. He spends 2-3 hours a day looking at underwater porn, downloading pics of women under water (not even nude), looking at women’s' diving competitions and so on. Anything that involves women in the water.

    He comes to me after looking at this and wants to have sex. Of course I'm starting to find this offensive and starting to wonder if he wants me at all or is just wrapped up in his fantasy world.

    We've been together about a year. I'm 42 and he's 49. I have a bit of a fetish myself-hence why I'm here, but my cuffs and gag go unused. When we have sex he talks about drowning me or about being under water in general.

    I've brought this up with him and he tells me it's just me and he doesn't have a problem. All men look at porn  etc. Of course all men look at porn, but to what degree?

    He can't see why I'm hurt by this and tells me it has nothing to do with me. Of course being who I am, I am starting to take offense and feeling unwanted and totally unattractive.

    Had anyone else had issues like this?

    *************************************************************************************

    As far as I’m concerned it is okay to watch porn as long as of. All participants are doing it consensually, are legal etc. etc.

    But I don’t think it is okay to ignore your partner, and I don’t think it is right for anybody to be in a relationship where they feel unwanted or anything like that (unless ofc. somebody actually has a fetish for being ignored or something like that. However, in your case it is clearly unwanted).

    So if he ever does anything that makes you feel like this, then that is a problem. Whether it is porn or other things. And tell him explicitly, without room for misunderstandings, why you don’t like it and what it is that you don’t like.

    About the drowning. Personally, for me, this would be unacceptable because it is simply dangerous. However, I don’t know if he is into the underwater thing or if he is into the fact that it will restrict your breathing. If he merely wants sex under water I guess there are ways that you can breathe and be under water for long periods of time. This however would be quite a big project in terms of arranging it...

     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    I have the freedom to do what I want, Plasko.  And, I never said I didn't approve of the porn, although, I personally think it's not a good thing.  What I've based all my posts on to this OP was my hearing that it hurts her, demeans her, and makes her feel insecure, and what is the point of continuing a relationship with someone who does something purposefully (now that he's aware it hurts her) that tears her down when there are plenty of not-into-porn fish in the sea. 

    But, speaking of my addiction, I've got a lot on my to-do list that will preclude much posting today.  You'll have to carry on without me which should be easy enough; I can't add anything more than I've already said.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Kar, you have a very wide view of what constitutes porn. As far as I can tell this is about photos of clothed women. These are not victorian times.

    But I have been thinking of a bigger picture. I think we underestimate the power of advice by strangers. Don't you agree that all-too-often the consensus coming out of these boards is to push the "Relationship Destruct" button? I would say that if we look back on all the posts from times gone by that consensus would be in the high 80%-100%. In general this reflects 2 things: (1) A broken society where relationships are not valued, (2) A feeling of power from the responders to posts (I would use the term power-hungry but thats a bit strong). 
    I use the example of the man who pretended to be a female nurse on suicide boards and encouraged everyone to kill themselves. Some people did, he got his jollies. 
    Is the same thing happening on these boards, under the guise of "advice"? It might not even be a conscious thing. But I have to say we should temper our advice to people when it is usually skewed towards the "Relationship Destruct".
    How many lives have we ruined?



     
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  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from MyTimeToo. Show MyTimeToo's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]OK, I'll bite... If you find his behavior - looking at models, porn pics whatever - disturbing then it is! Now you have to make a choice - stay or go? Oh, and if your hoping he will "change" his behavior because you asked him to....sorry, he'll just do it on his cell phone, work computer or friends computer! Don't settle! While you say your " no model " I hope as a person you have a sense of self worth and are old enough to have figured out that there are guy's out there that would love to be with a great person! not just a girl that has model good looks!
    Posted by RogerTaylor[/QUOTE]


    All I can say is "I agree with this post"
    Why torture yourself with the wondering? If it's distrubing to you and he is aware of it, then he should have stopped it by now. My first priority would be to my significant other, not to my hormone levels (which I'm sure you could raise if you so desired).
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from cb156. Show cb156's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]Kar, you have a very wide view of what constitutes porn. As far as I can tell this is about photos of clothed women. These are not victorian times. But I have been thinking of a bigger picture. I think we underestimate the power of advice by strangers. Don't you agree that all-too-often the consensus coming out of these boards is to push the "Relationship Destruct" button? I would say that if we look back on all the posts from times gone by that consensus would be in the high 80%-100%. In general this reflects 2 things: (1) A broken society where relationships are not valued, (2) A feeling of power from the responders to posts (I would use the term power-hungry but thats a bit strong).  I use the example of the man who pretended to be a female nurse on suicide boards and encouraged everyone to kill themselves. Some people did, he got his jollies.  Is the same thing happening on these boards, under the guise of "advice"? It might not even be a conscious thing. But I have to say we should temper our advice to people when it is usually skewed towards the "Relationship Destruct". How many lives have we ruined?
    Posted by plasko[/QUOTE]

    I agree that the behavior that is bringing feelings to the surface for the OP is not porn--he is looking at non-nude pics of women.  However, OP says he is doing this 2-3 times daily, not just every now and then, and from what OP says, he appears to be looking at pics of the type of women he used to date, which is not the OP.  he has even openly told OP that he likes women that have had plastic surgery, and I'm guessing he isn't talking about nose jobs.
    She has indicated that this affects her negatively and she feels badly about herself and is questioning both her beliefs and the relationship as a result.  She has spoken to him a couple times about this, and while he claims that "it means nothing", he doesn't stop even though he knows it hurts her and the relationship.
    I don't think I've been advocating for her to just dump him--I've been saying she needs to talk to him again about it and make her feelings very clear (maybe the way she is saying things isn't getting the message across).  If he still doesn't listen, given what she is saying about how she feels, then I think it would be time to move on.
    I agree that there are times when people are quick to hit the destruct button.  Yes, relationships should be valued, and they take work.  It's not always smooth sailing.  Too many people are out the door at the first little storm cloud.
    In this case, however, I am seeing something very different.  This is not a personal quirk or habit that OP finds a bit annoying--like eating in bed, or leaving the seat up.  This is a behavior that she finds devalues both her and the relationship.
    It's all a matter of perspective.  His behavior does not seem to be a big deal to you.  But to OP, it is an issue that is having a negative effect on her and the relationship.  It's one thing to accept habits or behaviors that you find annoying.  It's completely different to accept ones that you find demeaning in some way.
    As Kar has pointed out, this doesn't make either one of them a bad person, but they may be a bad fit.  That's a decision that the OP ultimately needs to make.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    How many lives have we ruined?  I don't know.  But, I know of one I saved.

    5 years ago a young woman posted what everyone else saw a fairly inoccuous problem, and I was the lone voice that read "serious abuse" in the OP and told her in no uncertain terms to pack her things and move back to Boston (from AZ where she had moved in with her boyfriend).  I got similar comments (but far worse because I was far more "GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW" about it with that woman because I was that sure she was being abused) to what you are making here.

    This was back when you could send truly private messages on BDC.  I sent her my phone number.  She called in tears and said she'd done it but it ruined her life, she didn't know how she'd get along without him and what was she going to do now.

    A week later, she called back (from her parents' home in MA) and spilled it all.  She had been being abused, physically and emotionally.  She was relieved to be out but still scared out of her mind about the future.

    Six months later, she let me know she had found an apartment, a job, new friends, and had a LIFE, the life I promised she'd have if she just kept putting one foot in front of the other.  Now, she was in tears of thankfulness...and I am, too, again for having relived the story right now.

    So, like I said, I'm a perceptive listener.  Just because I hear what others don't doesn't make me judgmental.  And, sure, I can make mistakes, but no one has ever come back and told me that.

    Back to the grind.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    I agree that the behavior that is bringing feelings to the surface for the OP is not porn--he is looking at non-nude pics of women. However, OP says he is doing this 2-3 times daily, not just every now and then, and from what OP says, he appears to be looking at pics of the type of women he used to date, which is not the OP. he has even openly told OP that he likes women that have had plastic surgery, and I'm guessing he isn't talking about nose jobs.
    ----

    Except, cb, that many people have fantasy lives that they don't act out.

    Is there a way for the OP to accept what her BF, without being oppressive to him?

    I like reading seed catalogues, like Seeds of Change. Isn't that a kind of perving on pics? Would I want my partner to leave me over it? What if he despises plants and heirloom vegetables?

    Yeah, it's troubling the OP. But imho she's making far too much out of *pictures* of grown women. If the pics were of minors, then I'd be disturbed.

    The problem is in her head, in her self-esteem. If she doesn't deal with her self-esteem issues, she's going to be playing this relationship over and over, with every man who comes along.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    If her self esteem is the entire problem, then, yes her relationships will all be doomed.  But, this particular relatioship isn't very fertile ground for her to get where she needs to be emotionally, is it?  And, if a relationship isn't fertile ground for emotional growth (of both people), what is the point of it?  We're either growing or dying.

     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]Kar, you have a very wide view of what constitutes porn. As far as I can tell this is about photos of clothed women. These are not victorian times. But I have been thinking of a bigger picture. I think we underestimate the power of advice by strangers. Don't you agree that all-too-often the consensus coming out of these boards is to push the "Relationship Destruct" button? I would say that if we look back on all the posts from times gone by that consensus would be in the high 80%-100%. In general this reflects 2 things: (1) A broken society where relationships are not valued, (2) A feeling of power from the responders to posts (I would use the term power-hungry but thats a bit strong).  I use the example of the man who pretended to be a female nurse on suicide boards and encouraged everyone to kill themselves. Some people did, he got his jollies.  Is the same thing happening on these boards, under the guise of "advice"? It might not even be a conscious thing. But I have to say we should temper our advice to people when it is usually skewed towards the "Relationship Destruct". How many lives have we ruined?
    Posted by plasko[/QUOTE]

    If one is as "emotionally plyable" as you suggest based on advice columns, they have far greater issues than what to do with the advice offered via on line posts. 

    We all have "filters" that disseminate the information provided to us. I see the bias in Fox News, NBC and ABC - do I buy into it? No, I take the bits of info and subtract the "bias".

     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]If her self esteem is the entire problem, then, yes her relationships will all be doomed.  But, this particular relatioship isn't very fertile ground for her to get where she needs to be emotionally, is it?  And, if a relationship isn't fertile ground for emotional growth (of both people), what is the point of it?  We're either growing or dying.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    The OP could be the one to change, rather than the BF. Does every molehill have to be mountain?
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    He's already made it clear that he is not willing.

    Not every mole hill needs to be a mountain, but I don't consider something that erodes her sense of well being a mole hill.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from cb156. Show cb156's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In some respects RDG, I agree with you.
    I think we just have a different perspective on this issue. 
    I just think this is about more than the BF looking at a few pictures (why should that bother her?).
    OP says she doesn't care if he looks at other women that pass by.
    But he is apparently looking at pics of women 2-3 times a day.  And not just any women.  He's looking at pics of women that are like the ones he used to date.  The kind with surgically enhanced assets.  The kind of packaging that the OP apparently doesn't have.  And he's told her that he likes women that have had plastic surgery (which could easily be construed as a hint that he'd like it if the OP had some work done).

    So looking at it one way, yes, he's just looking at some pictures.
    But another way of seeing it is that he likes her as a person, but would prefer she came in a different package.  This is the idea getting across to her, and she's having some problems with it.

    Which one of them needs to "grow up"?

     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Which one of them needs to "grow up"?
    ----

    They both do. He shouldn't be looking in her presence, should be clearing his search history, and she should leave him be for his hobby.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]Which one of them needs to "grow up"? ---- They both do. He shouldn't be looking in her presence, should be clearing his search history, and she should leave him be for his hobby.
    Posted by reindeergirl[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this. Thats why I brought up our own addictions to BDC, as a reciprocal example, and you brought up the seed catalogues (I have to say I am the exact same with electronics - am a bit obsessed there). 
    But to be fair to the bf, it is clearly nothing to him. If he started keeping secrets from her rather than being open about it, I think that would do more damage.
    But if they made a pact, like with porn, along the lines of she knows he does it but only when she is away (weekends with friends, off to see her parents etc), then its fine. Many couples have these pacts with lesser things, like getting drunk with "the boys", or eating high fat pizzas, or whatever. They do fine.

     
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  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from EnjoyEverySandwich. Show EnjoyEverySandwich's posts

    Re: Eye candy


    I'm late to this discussion, but just wanted to mention that this really jumped out at me in your post, sylvs:


    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Eye candy : Hi CB: How I discussed it? ......He did the same thing a few weeks later, and I said just that " You do enjoy that site huh?" not in a angry way. He said "babe, only when I need a break from work or during lunch"  I did point out the fact that it's mostly all girls and doesnt make me feel good about myself.  Like I mentioned, I wasnt defensive about it and accusing him of being a perv.  I told him how I felt and he said not to worry, its just pictures of girls and it means nothing and that when it comes to a relationship he doesnt care about looks.  It didnt turn into an argument, I got quiet for a bit and I am sure he noticed it. .......I am not sure if me bringing this issue up again for the third time will str things up and cause actual fights, I think that can be my fear for the next step.     
    Posted by sylvs18[/QUOTE]


    I would say there's a good chance he didn't notice that at all.  Or he noticed it, but thought it had nothing to do with him or couldn't possibly be important because you didn't say anything out loud.  Or noticed it, but then forgot about it.  Much as I agree with cb about not stereotyping men, it's a rare man who reads those silences.  Or maybe more accurately, most men recognize the silence, but choose to not ask about it because they don't want to make waves or start something that might become an unpleasant argument. 

    Most men, and maybe most people, think, whew, well, if it's not important enough for her to bring up, it must not be a big deal.  And who can blame them for thinking that, really?  I mean, you are hesitant to talk about it, so it's not surprising that he's not inclined to bring it up.

    I don't know what you should do (and I haven't gotten to the end of this thread), but I don't think from his perspective that he would think that you really have talked it out.

     
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  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from cb156. Show cb156's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Eye candy : I agree with this. Thats why I brought up our own addictions to BDC, as a reciprocal example, and you brought up the seed catalogues (I have to say I am the exact same with electronics - am a bit obsessed there).  But to be fair to the bf, it is clearly nothing to him. If he started keeping secrets from her rather than being open about it, I think that would do more damage. But if they made a pact, like with porn, along the lines of she knows he does it but only when she is away (weekends with friends, off to see her parents etc), then its fine. Many couples have these pacts with lesser things, like getting drunk with "the boys", or eating high fat pizzas, or whatever. They do fine.
    Posted by plasko[/QUOTE]

    I'm just not of a mind to think this is going to solve anything for them.  Not that you're wrong, I just see things differently.
    First, although he has apparently shown her some things in these galleries (supposedly not women) a couple of times, he does this at work and other places, so she isn't around.  But knowing he's doing it multiple times a day (that's the important part--not that he might do it now and then, but multiple times daily) is bothering her.
    Second, he is specifically looking at women that are of the physical type he used to date, and of which the OP is not.  He has even said to her "I like women who've had plastic surgery".  Frankly, if I were the OP, I would have been wondering if he just dropped a big hint that he'd like it if I had some plastic surgery.

    I can understand where this OP is coming from.  She isn't complaining that her BF is looking at pictures of any women--it's the type of women he's looking at and how it relates to the women he's dated in his past.  That he does it so constantly is making her wonder if he is still deciding whether he wants the personality she offers, or the body someone else offers.  Or if he might perhaps be thinking "this is what I like, and that's what I have. hmmm".

    I completely agree that telling someone to hit the destruct button at the first little bump can be harmful.  So can telling someone they need to just suck it up and live with something they feel is damaging to them.
    It is, however, good for the OP to hear both perspectives here.

     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    "It's clearly nothing to him."  And, therein lies the problem.  The fact that it hurts her (justifiably or not in your or his mind) should clearly be something to him.  If it keeps hurting her and he keeps doing it, it's a destructive relationship regardless of if it "should" hurt her or not and regardless of whether what he's doing is "wrong" or not.
     

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