Eye candy

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Maybe it hurts him that she wants to change him. Why should sylvs get off scott free, without meeting her BF half-way?
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Indeed he shouldn't, but the idea that they are hurting each other, not willing to change, is not a feather in the cap of the relationship. 
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Sylvs will continue to be hurt until she decides to tell her man directly what she needs. This is such a minor thing, this girl-watching business. He's not bringing any of the objects of his pervy affection home to share their bed. What happens when something more serious arises?

    I'd like to hear his side of it.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    It's my interpretation of her comments that she's been direct, but, of course, there are always two sides of every story, often impossibly different.  However, all we have is her side, so she'll have to weigh our advice, among other things, against what she hasn't told us or doesn't know with respect to "his side" of it.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e. Show 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    I had to go back and re-read the original post. The boyfriend is on sites where women send him their pictures. It's interactive. It doesn't make him an axe-murderer, but you don't have to like it. I wouldn't like it. But I don't think it reflects badly on you and your desirability. In fact I don't think it has anything to do with you at all; I think it's a fantasy life for him. If you don't want to be compared in anyway just tell him you don't want to hear about the nose jobs and implants and so on.

    To me this is squarely in your court. You can do as reindeer suggests and just ignore it or you can decide that it's just not your cup of tea and move on. I'm absolutely sure that he will not change if you ask him.

    As for porn...I know it's very contemporary to say you like porn and/or you're OK with porn. I certainly have known couples who used it to spice things up and I've know people who had no problem with their partner viewing/using porn. However, there are still plenty of people, myself included, who don't like and don't want to be with someone who's into it. Yes, it's OK to like (legal) porn. But it's perfectly OK to not like porn. It's also OK to not like cheesecake photos, like your bf is getting and it's perfectly OK to not want him receiving photos from other women. It's also OK to not like him poring over seed catalogues (very funny, reindeer) or spending all his waking hours checking out the Border Collie rescue sites and fantasizing about rescuing every single lovely barky insane pup.

    You have to decide what this behavior means for you and whether the whole package of the relationship is a) what you want and b) good for both of you. Sometimes you want to be OK with something and you just can't make yourself do it. That's OK. You have to be who you are.

    And, yes, Plasko, I do think that posters too often come up with the Dump the Chump solution. But I also think that sometimes it's the right advice. In this case I'm not sure. I'm asking the OP to look at her values and her comfort level for her answers.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Mum despised it when Dad used the bathroom as his reading room. He'd read the newspaper front page to back, spending more than an hour on the toilet.

    She didn't divorce him over it. (Fortunately, we had two full bathrooms, and another toilet and sink in the cellar.) She thought of it as an idiosyncracy, one that he dug and she didn't.

    GMV, my ex always thought I'd translate my seed porn into spending hundreds of dollars on seeds and plants that we couldn't afford. Lord help us both when the first Seeds of Change catalogue arrived in the mail. Nope, I kept it looking, not spending. If the OP can accept that he'll look but not touch, perhaps she can meet him halfway.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e. Show 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    I think you are right, reindeer, if she can accept it. But, to me, it's OK if she doesn't want to accept it. Incompatibilities can be about anything. My husband, who is otherwise pretty tolerant, absolutely hates astrology. It's really the only thing he's ever told me to not talk about. That's fine with me but I have a lot of friends who would find that offensive and controlling.

    Love the seed catalogues. I can really feel my fingers itch when I page through. Step away from the credit cards, I say to myself. Actually I learned my lesson when I bought a bag of 100 King Alfred daffodils from Costco and planted them all myself. Somewhere around 60 or so I stood back up and said: "What was I thinking???" That White Flower Farm catalogue is really entrancing. And if you really want a twist on Freud, I have major major tree envy. I love trees. I oogle other people's elms, I feast my eyes on healthy hemlocks, I fondle red maples. I have a fantasy golden spruce-looking tree that someday I'll be able to afford and have a place to plant. Excuse me while I go google it.

     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Oh, I love White Flower Farm, GMV. Back before I was married and my money was my own, I'd indulge in their mini hostas.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from sugarxo. Show sugarxo's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]When the "only" problem you have is a deal breaker (or should be one if you were to have a healthy self esteem, imo) that means all the great qualities he may have aren't enough to make the relationship worth it. But, only you can ......"

    Great answer Kargiver!  I think too many women decide to try to accept a lot of things that bother them just because they are 'in love'...  If it bothers you, it bothers you, OP. Now is the time to decide if you want to deal wth this for another year, another month or at all.. Good Luck!
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Thanks, sugar.  I only recommend breaking up if the OP sounds like the issue of interest is a deal breaker to her (not if it would be for me).  If, on the other hand, it sounds like the OP is saying, "I don't like this and would like suggestions regarding how to improve xzy situation.  But, I can live with it even if it doesn't change," then I don't say, "Ditch the relationship" even if it is an issue I'd not put up with myself.

    This OP sounds emotionally devestated by his behavior, and that's a deal breaker no matter what the issue or how I feel about it personally.  Plasko's contention that I impose my own values on OPs is entirely false except with respect to the idea that I believe anyone's deal breakers (whatever they are) ought to precipitate a breakup.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    ..............word

    Laughing
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from DanceWithMe71. Show DanceWithMe71's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    I wouldn't date a guy who frequents porn sites. Never. He has issues. Looking at beautiful woman out in public is one thing. Porn sites are something entirely different. Dump this loser.
     
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  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    I think this question gets asked here every couple of years.  I always wonder if its fake or if it really does cause so much uncertainty as to what to do about it that people actually have to ask.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    ...yah but....
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]I wouldn't date a guy who frequents porn sites. Never. He has issues. Looking at beautiful woman out in public is one thing. Porn sites are something entirely different. Dump this loser.
    Posted by DanceWithMe71[/QUOTE]

    You want everyone to be like you? How boring the world would be were we all the same.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Eye candy : You want everyone to be like you? How boring the world would be were we all the same.
    Posted by plasko[/QUOTE]

    Yah but, I'm awesome and love being wth me!.......lol

    Laughing
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from calmdown. Show calmdown's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    What happened here? Aries, are you still around?
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from GoodGollyMissHolly. Show GoodGollyMissHolly's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Calmie, aries is now someone else ;)
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from SonicsMonksLyresVicars. Show SonicsMonksLyresVicars's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In response to sylvs18's comment:

    I dont consider myself insecure but maybe this is it?? Not too sure
     
    I am in my late twenties dating a man a few years older than I am for a little over a year.  As a female, we are all insecure at least once in our lives.  I grew out of the "he watches porn" phase or knowing his who his favorite celebrities are.  I dont even get bothered when he glances at another attractive women.  For some reason, it doesnt bother me and I know we have all done that.

    But the one thing that bothers me is his internet searches.  I noticed he enjoys going on websites where other female readers send pictures of themselves as well as galleries of models.  None nude, just mostly attractive girls showing off their assets.  There are about 2-3 galleries posted a day.  I do understand it is eye candy, but I feel like it's more of a hobby to him.  I asked him about it, and all he says is that it means nothing.  I don't want to bring it up again because I know the answer will not change.  I now feel as if everywhere we go he will compare women.  I hate thinking that maybe he compares me or that one day he will change his preference.  I do consider myself very attractive at athletic but no model type.

    I know you might consider this insecurity, but I am not sure if this "eye candy" does effect him and his brain.  He does joke around with liking women with plastic surgery etc.  but I brush it off.   I know it is a guy thing and sometimes a girl thing too.  I just don't know how to go about with accepting that he enjoys looking at these type of women so different from me.  I guess any advise from men will work.

    Thanks!   


    FWIW, I'm a guy.  I often discuss the attractiveness of both men and women with my partner (me:  Paul Newman and Brigitte Bardot are tops).  I think it's healthy, little different from discussing paintings we like.  Neither of us is much into or a supporter of porn, but there have been some occasions when we have viewed it together.  There is a certain type of man she fancies, and on occasion she will say,"phwoar, check him out".  If the day ever comes where she isn't turned on by the sight of a bloke she fancies we're probably past it anyway.  I'm 100% fine with all that because we either share it or are open about it.

    Someone on this post described what he's looking at as "porn".  That's ridiculous.  If I were in your shoes, my (small-ish but real concern...you are not paranoid in my view though it doesn't seem like a crisis to me) would be not about the images he's looking at, but why I wasn't invited/included.  I'd try to figure out why he was interested in it.....could I persuade him away?......Might I find interest in it?  Etc.

    If his interest/searches are as you say and remain so I'd say it's pretty harmless.  And that's possible.  But it's a slippery slope.  The one thing I would push is that his answer about it being "nothing" is patently absurd.  He's looking at it for a reason or he wouldn't be looking at it. Don't accept that, it's silly.  It could well be a wonderful, exciting reason that you two could share somehow for your mutual benefit.  But not if it's only for him.  Good luck, hun, don't overworry yet but your instincts aren't wrong. xx

     

     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from SonicsMonksLyresVicars. Show SonicsMonksLyresVicars's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In response to RogerTaylor's comment:

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Eye candy : Yes, but you are still assuming that when she asked him about it, she expressed that it bothered her.  Not saying you're wrong, or even wrong to pull that assumption out of what the OP wrote. I can see it. All I'm trying to get across to the OP is that if she hasn't really expressed her feelings about this behavior, she needs to do that and see what happens. If she's already done it, then I'm with you. OP:  "You like looking at those sites every day?" BF: "Eh, it doesn't mean anything, except that work is a bit boring." not the same as: OP: "You know, it bothers me that you spend so much time every day looking at those sites.  I feel like I'm not attractive to you." BF: "Oh, this means nothing.  I'm much more interested in personality, even though I do like women who've had plastic surgery." Uh, yeah, here's your hat, what's your hurry and don't let the door hit you on the way out.
    Posted by cb156


    The thing I keep coming back to - at a personal level too - is that I don't believe a person (man or woman) should forgo their morals, values and beliefs for the sake of being with someone.

    I read the OP as having something that "hurts" her in a relationship and I can't figure out why? Look at CHC's response to my earlier post - Her azz is out of there! She's figured out her self worth and boundaries. I'm willing to bet CHC is in her 40's with more life experience with relationships than the OP in her late 20's.

    But I don't believe CHC's response is exclusive to her. Kar, reindeergirl - I would think - would also walk before being "hurt" by a guy based on his behavior. Yes, I know I'm being presumptuous, I based my opinion on their previous post's.


    Wink[/QUOTE]

    Hi Roger.  I don't think we are far apart on this, but I do think there is a lot of immature, repressed, premature hand-wringing going on here.  If the guy is truly looking at clothed, mainstream images of women and not chatting with anyone he is definitely guilty of selfish, thoughtless behaviour and that needs to be sorted out.  But that is hardly a divorce issue!  It seems absurd to me that some people have such a repressed, Victorian viewpoint.  Grow up!  The OP seems lovely to me and has, IMO, a legitimate if not critical concern.  I do think she should take a stronger stance (should have said that in my previous post).  I'm on her side!  He is wrong, she is right...but it's not - yet, anyway - a huge issue.  This doesn't require the Bomb, it requires diplomacy.  Oftentimes such innocent, minor interests can be easily forgotten.  Here's a suggestion;  get 100 cards and each write down (approved by the other, of course) 50 activities that would get their attention.  You might choose 50 different ones or all 50 the same.  Draw one out every night.  Magic.  That'll get him off the internet.  ;-)

     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from miscricket. Show miscricket's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    I wonder if the OP is even still dating this guy? Honestly..I think she's probably overthinking the whole "looking at pictures of women online" thing. While I certainly appreciate from a purely female perspective...a nice view of the opposite sex...my enjoyment of the view has nothing to do with my preference for a sexual partner. I can appreciate a little window shopping..but there is only one person in the world that I want to cuddle up with and he is not remotely threatened. Nor am I threatened if he comments on how attractive someone is.

    That being said..the fact that she discussed it with him..and he essentially dismissed her concern without taking it seriously..tells me that even though he's a few years older than her..he's probably not really emotionally mature enough for a long term relationship.

    " Above all..be the heroine in your life..not the victim" Nora Ephron

     

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