Eye candy

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    I hope everyone takes every post from an anonymous message board with a huge grain of salt.  

    I discerned from her post that she is rationalizing/accepting things that are actually unacceptable to her regarding the relationship.   My views on porn, etc. are, in fact, immaterial and did not factor into my post.  I read the OP to say, "I don't like that he does these things at all, but he has some good qualities so that's better than nothing and I'm excusing what I wish I didn't have to excuse to stay in a relationship with him.  What do I do?"  And, I based my response on that interpretation of what she said, for right or wrong.  If it didn't bother her, the porn wouldn't have made its way into the OP at all because it would have been totally irrelevant to her question.

    If one interprets her post differently and responds, therefore, with different advice, that's what we're all here for.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from sylvs18. Show sylvs18's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    I want to thank everyone for their post, all advise is appreciated!

    There are a few misunderstandings.  No he does not participate in a chat (as far as I know)  and no I have not looked at his web browser or history etc.  The reason how I know he goes on these sites is because he showed me pictures or videos of not girls but the site also has galleries of cars, animals, travel etc.  But the main focus are the galleries of girls. 

    The porn and glancing at other attractive women doesnt bother me because I feel it is natural to notice another attractive person that is walking by and as far as porn goes- I think we all do it.  But I think what bothers me the most is that he cannot control who walks past him but he can control what he searches online and why he searches it.
    As far as out intimacy goes, it's been good.  But knowing all of this- sometimes makes me wonder if he compares me or wishes I can look different.  I know that is what you call insecure but knowing that he looks constantly, makes me wonder. 

    Yes, I tried talking to him and all he says is it doesnt mean anything, he cares about personality more than looks.  But if he is always curious makes me nervous not that he will cheat but that he wont be fullfilled.

    This is why I am tryign to figure out if this is just a guy thing and it really doesnt mean anything and its all for entertainment, or is it because he might need to be fullfilled??

     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Using/enjoying porn is not a universal "guy thing."  There are plenty of men who do not need porn to feel fulfilled.  You either want to accept his use of it or find someone who doesn't like it.

    Those who are against porn are against it, at least in part, for how you say in your own words it is making you feel - insecure about your own body and sexuality with your partner.  You are not alone in having that response.

    If you want to accept what he does as "OK" and your feelings as a response to his doing it as "OK," go ahead.  If you wish you didn't have to, though, you don't.  There are men out there who do not do those things and would only have lustful eyes for you (that's not to say they wouldn't notice a pretty woman walking by - now, that's universal).  If you're willing to leave who you have to find one, they are "out there" to find.

    Decide what you want out of life for yourself, but know that you do have choices - you are not in a situation of "out of the frying pan into the fire," with all men.  You can choose someone with the good qualities you like about the man you're with who also doesn't get into porn causing the cascade of negative feelings you have about yourself as a result...your words.
     
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  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    If his behavior bothers you or hurts you then his behavior is wrong...

    If his behavior is acceptable then continue with the relationship...

    I look at a magazine like Playboy and find it entertaining - and yes, I read the articles too! But, that's where it ends.  I never looked at my mate and said "Boy I wish you could have breasts like hers!" or "I wish you looked like Miss October!" that would be - IMHO - ignorant, rude and most of all hurtful.

    Oh, and if my mate didn't want a Playboy magazine in the house - Ok, I'm done with Playboy (not a deal breaker for me)

    You are at a fork in the road to the left = Stay
    to the right = Go

    Only you can decide...

    Just because "...it's a guy thing" doesn't make it right!

    What I'm reading is that if it's "a guy thing" then you think it shouldn't bother you and that's clouding your judgement - IMHO

    "he might need to be fulfilled??" ....sooooo, that's your job? Cut him loose before you compromise your morals, values and beliefs.  There are plenty of guy's out there that you wont have to compromise for.

    Best of luck to you

    Wink

    Oh, and it does bother you because you took the time to post here.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]Using/enjoying porn is not a universal "guy thing."  There are plenty of men who do not need porn to feel fulfilled.  You either want to accept his use of it or find someone who doesn't like it. Those who are against porn are against it, at least in part, for how you say in your own words it is making you feel - insecure about your own body and sexuality with your partner.  You are not alone in having that response. If you want to accept what he does as "OK" and your feelings as a response to his doing it as "OK," go ahead.  If you wish you didn't have to, though, you don't.  There are men out there who do not do those things and would only have lustful eyes for you (that's not to say they wouldn't notice a pretty woman walking by - now, that's universal).  If you're willing to leave who you have to find one, they are "out there" to find. Decide what you want out of life for yourself, but know that you do have choices - you are not in a situation of "out of the frying pan into the fire," with all men.  You can choose someone with the good qualities you like about the man you're with who also doesn't get into porn causing the cascade of negative feelings you have about yourself as a result...your words.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]


    Kar, your scaring me! We almost wrote the same post! I read yours after I wrote mine! ssssppppoooookkkkkyyyy!
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Eye candy : Kar, your scaring me! We almost wrote the same post! I read yours after I wrote mine! ssssppppoooookkkkkyyyy!
    Posted by RogerTaylor[/QUOTE]

    I consider it an honor - you're good peeps, RT.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Eye candy : This seems extremely judgemental of the poster. Telling her that she should agree with your views or she does not respect herself is quite odd. An ultimatum almost. There are many kinds of people in the world eg people who love porn, people who hate porn etc. Obviously Kar is in the hating camp, but this is coloring a lot of her views. Please, poster, take her "advice" with a large dose of biased salt on this topic.
    Posted by plasko[/QUOTE]

    What colors my views is a discerning eye for how people are truly feeling by what they choose to share, how they state the problem, what details they consider important enough to mention, etc.  In other words, I'm a very good listener.  There's a difference between hearing the OP and listening to the OP.  Confusing judgement with discernment is a costly mistake that leads to misunderstandings and advice that misses the mark.  In every OP there are red herrings, and worthwhile advice revolves around discerning and offering advice aimed at solving the genuine problem. 
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Okay. You talked to him. He said he's just doing it for fun and cares more about personality.  So, then the issue seems to be, he's sharing his extracurricular activities w/ you.  Ask him to keep it to himself. 

    Your worrying that he 'isn't fulfilled' or is 'comparing you to them them' when he has told you that he isn't, isn't his problem; it's yours. Stop imagining problems where none exist. If his computer activities are a deal breaker for you - tell him and then decide what to do based on his reaction to your news. 

    You need to decide how much his activity bothers you and then take it from there. If you are in your late 20s and he's older, then you are both old enough to make adult decisions about adult relationships without getting 'advice' on what is 'typical guy behavior' from people on the internet.  Figure out exactly what is bothering you about this - if it's your fears that you somehow don't measure up, then that's something that you need to work on and get over. If he is acting disrespectful by going on these websites when you are around and you've asked him to not do it in front of you, or he asks you to change or makes overt comparisions between you and some internet photo, then that's his problem. 
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    You need to decide how much his activity bothers you and then take it from there. If you are in your late 20s and he's older, then you are both old enough to make adult decisions about adult relationships without getting 'advice' on what is 'typical guy behavior' from people on the internet.  Figure out exactly what is bothering you about this
    --ALF

    Indeed.  There's nothing anyone else can tell you about this that you shouldn't be figuring out all by yourself.
     
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  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    I'd find it more disconcerting for a partner to be checking out women in real life, while in my company, than some anonymous chick on the Internet.
     
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  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]Now, now. We all know that the more important a relationship is to a person, the harder it is to assert a boundary. I think the OP is engaging in a bit of confidence building before she tackles this issue.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    Maybe...I hope so.  But tossing out an infinitely wide net and seeing what random, anonymous advice gets caught in it seems like a strange way to go about confidence building.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]I think the OP is engaging in a bit of confidence building before she tackles this issue.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]


    Yes, but at what cost?

    Should she subject herself to hurtful behavior in an effort to be with a guy that objectifies women?

    Should she put her morals, values and beliefs on the back burner for him?

    I am of the opinion that by leaving this guy and finding someone else that doesn't objectify women would be a HUGE confidence builder!
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    I am of the opinion that by leaving this guy and finding someone else that doesn't objectify women would be a HUGE confidence builder!
    ----

    I am of the opinion that men who don't check out women are few and far between.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]I am of the opinion that by leaving this guy and finding someone else that doesn't objectify women would be a HUGE confidence builder! ---- I am of the opinion that men who don't check out women are few and far between.
    Posted by reindeergirl[/QUOTE]

    You are 100% CORRECT!

    But they do it to differing degrees.

    For example, I landed in LA once I'm walking through LAX and this 5'8" woman walks towards me with TRIPLE D fake breasts! I confess I looked! (and laughed!)

    I was in a restaurant with a wood floor a girl walks to the bar stomping her heels on the floor, I looked. A 20 something in 28" heels! It was funny!

    I would never view pics or websites that I was told offended my partner...but that's just me.

    I love people watching - I love peopleofwalmart.com! I'm human I look....BUT

    What her guy is doing is bothering/hurting her and she doesn't have to subject herself to it - IMHO
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Men see and appreciate attractive women in their world.  No problem for me - they shouldn't have to wear blinders, and we all know men are visual creatures.

    Their lusting after pretty women "out there," wishing they could have sex with them, imagining having sex with them, etc. is not something that needs to be tolerated by a girlfriend if it bothers her.  There are men who don't imagine cheating on their significant other with every pretty woman they see.

    ETA:  RT, if I were with my DH when that triple D bombshell came toward us in an airport, I'd make sure he saw her!  Why would I want him to miss that spectacle?!  LOL!
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from cb156. Show cb156's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Allow me to give you some observations from a guy's perspective:
    1.  No,this behavior is not "a guy thing". Some men are into "porn", or ogling other women.  Some are into women who have had plastic surgery and look like cartoon characters or strippers.  Plenty of men like none of these things, or find them laughable.  So if your question is whether you might be able to find another man that isn't like this, the answer is yes, you can find one.
    2.  I am concerned about your mention of having grown out of the "he watches porn" phase or knowing who his favorite celebrities are (let me guess, they run along the lines of Megan Fox, Pamela Anderson and Kim Kardashian).  I read this to mean that you don't actually find this behavior acceptable, but you've decided to put up with it.  I'm going to ask exactly why you have rationalized this to yourself--I'm interested in your reasoning. What I am hearing (note this is what I am hearing, it may not be what you are trying to say) is that you either have to settle, or that's just the way it is.  There is a big difference between accepting behaviors that are annoying (leaving the seat up, talking with your mouth full, etc) and accepting behaviors that leave you feeling badly about yourself or questioning your self-worth.
    3.  I do not hear anything really loving in your posts.  You described him as someone you get along very well with, and who has many great qualities--sounds more like a good friend.  I missed the part about how much you love each other.  It takes more than just being good friends and admiring each other's good qualities to make the kind of relationship that can bond you for a lifetime.  What are you looking for in this relationship, and what do you want for your future?
    4.  That you are wondering if this is just the way guys are, and that you have "grown past" the "he watches porn" phase, makes me wonder if other relationships you've been in had similar themes.  His behavior seems to have you wondering if you're good enough, whether you measure up.  Is that a familiar feeling you've had from other relationships?  We almost always have patterns to our relationships, and you would be wise to think about your past and try to identify your pattern.  Once you start to see and understand your own pattern, you may view your current situation in a different light.


    There's nothing inherently wrong with someone liking certain celebrities etc.  Be honest, you and your girlfriends probably have a few male celebrities you like to look at, especially if you can find a picture of them with no shirt.  And there's nothing wrong with that.  But what would you say to one of your girlfriends if she told you she spent time looking at pictures like that 2-3 times every single day?

     
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  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Eye candy : Sometimes the easiest way to figure out how you feel is listen to others and see what resonates in your gut.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    Mm, I guess.  I tend to go to a BFF and talk things over, but whatever helps.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Eye candy : Oh.  This is fun. My supposition is that the OP isn't honoring her morals, values, and beliefs and has suppressed negative feelings about that in the name of having a man. 

    - That infers low self esteem and a limited feeling of self worth - IMHO

    It's scary to stand up for yourself - especially if you've got something big to lose (e.g. what if the boyfriend won't honor her request?).

    - It's called being an adult! We all have to stand up for ourselves at some point! - IMHO

    And for that the OP has my empathy.  I DON'T think she should leave without attempting to make adjustments within the relationship.

    - I respectfully disagree. She has spoken to him....no change!


    ....move along, there's nothing to see here.....move along
     
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  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from cb156. Show cb156's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Kar & RT--
    I tend to agree with CHC here.
    I believe that what the OP is doing is taking a temperature check of other people to see if she might be way off base.  It should boost her confidence to work on this issue with her boyfriend, or just make her own personal choice, hearing so many other people say that since she feels it's a concern, then it's valid.
     
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