Eye candy

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from cb156. Show cb156's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    "But the one thing that bothers me is his internet searches.  I noticed he enjoys going on websites where other female readers send pictures of themselves as well as galleries of models.  None nude, just mostly attractive girls showing off their assets.  There are about 2-3 galleries posted a day.  I do understand it is eye candy, but I feel like it's more of a hobby to him.  I asked him about it , and all he says is that it means nothing.  I don't want to bring it up again because I know the answer will not change." Her post, time to p00p or get off the pot!
    Posted by RogerTaylor


    Yes, but you are still assuming that when she asked him about it, she expressed that it bothered her.  Not saying you're wrong, or even wrong to pull that assumption out of what the OP wrote. I can see it.
    All I'm trying to get across to the OP is that if she hasn't really expressed her feelings about this behavior, she needs to do that and see what happens.
    If she's already done it, then I'm with you.
    OP:  "You like looking at those sites every day?"
    BF: "Eh, it doesn't mean anything, except that work is a bit boring."
    not the same as:
    OP: "You know, it bothers me that you spend so much time every day looking at those sites.  I feel like I'm not attractive to you."
    BF: "Oh, this means nothing.  I'm much more interested in personality, even though I do like women who've had plastic surgery."
    Uh, yeah, here's your hat, what's your hurry and don't let the door hit you on the way out.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from cb156. Show cb156's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    In Response to Re: Eye candy : Yes. I would also tell my daughter not to settle or put up with any B.S. from a guy for fear of being alone! What a lame excuse for being in a relationship! Table for one please!
    Posted by RogerTaylor


    AMEN to that.
    I learned long ago that I would rather be alone and sometimes feel lonely than be with someone I loved and feel lonely.
    That is not a good place to be.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    In Response to Re: Eye candy : Yes, but you are still assuming that when she asked him about it, she expressed that it bothered her.  Not saying you're wrong, or even wrong to pull that assumption out of what the OP wrote. I can see it. All I'm trying to get across to the OP is that if she hasn't really expressed her feelings about this behavior, she needs to do that and see what happens. If she's already done it, then I'm with you. OP:  "You like looking at those sites every day?" BF: "Eh, it doesn't mean anything, except that work is a bit boring." not the same as: OP: "You know, it bothers me that you spend so much time every day looking at those sites.  I feel like I'm not attractive to you." BF: "Oh, this means nothing.  I'm much more interested in personality, even though I do like women who've had plastic surgery." Uh, yeah, here's your hat, what's your hurry and don't let the door hit you on the way out.
    Posted by cb156


    The thing I keep coming back to - at a personal level too - is that I don't believe a person (man or woman) should forgo their morals, values and beliefs for the sake of being with someone.

    I read the OP as having something that "hurts" her in a relationship and I can't figure out why? Look at CHC's response to my earlier post - Her azz is out of there! She's figured out her self worth and boundaries. I'm willing to bet CHC is in her 40's with more life experience with relationships than the OP in her late 20's.

    But I don't believe CHC's response is exclusive to her. Kar, reindeergirl - I would think - would also walk before being "hurt" by a guy based on his behavior. Yes, I know I'm being presumptuous, I based my opinion on their previous post's.


    Wink
     
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  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    I'll be 40 in January.  I'm happy now because of the wisdom I have gained along the way, and, yes, it was hard won as CHC said.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from sylvs18. Show sylvs18's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    Allow me to give you some observations from a guy's perspective: 1.  No,this behavior is not "a guy thing". Some men are into "porn", or ogling other women.  Some are into women who have had plastic surgery and look like cartoon characters or strippers.  Plenty of men like none of these things, or find them laughable.  So if your question is whether you might be able to find another man that isn't like this, the answer is yes, you can find one. 2.  I am concerned about your mention of having grown out of the "he watches porn" phase or knowing who his favorite celebrities are (let me guess, they run along the lines of Megan Fox, Pamela Anderson and Kim Kardashian).  I read this to mean that you don't actually find this behavior acceptable, but you've decided to put up with it.  I'm going to ask exactly why you have rationalized this to yourself--I'm interested in your reasoning. What I am hearing (note this is what I am hearing, it may not be what you are trying to say) is that you either have to settle, or that's just the way it is.  There is a big difference between accepting behaviors that are annoying (leaving the seat up, talking with your mouth full, etc) and accepting behaviors that leave you feeling badly about yourself or questioning your self-worth. 3.  I do not hear anything really loving in your posts.  You described him as someone you get along very well with, and who has many great qualities--sounds more like a good friend.  I missed the part about how much you love each other.  It takes more than just being good friends and admiring each other's good qualities to make the kind of relationship that can bond you for a lifetime.  What are you looking for in this relationship, and what do you want for your future? 4.  That you are wondering if this is just the way guys are, and that you have "grown past" the "he watches porn" phase, makes me wonder if other relationships you've been in had similar themes.  His behavior seems to have you wondering if you're good enough, whether you measure up.  Is that a familiar feeling you've had from other relationships?  We almost always have patterns to our relationships, and you would be wise to think about your past and try to identify your pattern.  Once you start to see and understand your own pattern, you may view your current situation in a different light. There's nothing inherently wrong with someone liking certain celebrities etc.  Be honest, you and your girlfriends probably have a few male celebrities you like to look at, especially if you can find a picture of them with no shirt.  And there's nothing wrong with that.  But what would you say to one of your girlfriends if she told you she spent time looking at pictures like that 2-3 times every single day?
    Posted by cb156



    Hi Cb,

    Thanks for your response, when I meant the growing out of the "he watches porn" phrase, I meant that many girls (at least some of my friends and esp at a younger age) seemed to be bothered by it when they found out their bf's were looking at pornos.  That once bothered me but for some reason it doesnt anymore.  What I mean is that I look at it as a stimulate for a man OR a women when their significant other is not around etc.  I also meant that I dont get jealous if my Bf tells me a celebrity is good looking.  I dont compare myself with that celebrity bc I know there are celebs out there that I have a "crush" on that dont look anything like that man I am dating. 

    As far as loving goes, yes I love him for many reasons.  I didnt specify it in the post because I was concentrating on the problem.  He does a lot of loving things for me as well and we do bring up marriage and future etc. 

    Now that you mentioned the word "pattern" I maybe know the root of my problem.  He is the type of man very attractive, fun, and outgoing.  He does have a flirty personality but I have noticed a "pattern" of his exes and crushes.  Very attractive women but very different than me.  I dont like comparing exes either but I find myself doing it in this situation.  They are I guess beautiful but very superficial.  I dont like bashing other women, but that is really the only way I can explain it.  I do find myself attractive but I don't always look like a barbie doll- all made up, and I think or it may seem that is what he always liked.  And while he is still searching for these "type" of girls online makes me wonder why?  

    Since this conversation was brought up twice with him i would hate to bring it up once again and seem insecure to him.  Both times I got the same answer "it doesnt mean anything"  I can;t help to think "well if it doesnt mean anything, why bother to go out of your way?"  And as dumb as it sounds, This is why I am wondering if too much eye candy does make a man change his prefeference or wants or needs?  Can he be happy with someone that is not what he fantasizing about or type he had in the past?
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from sylvs18. Show sylvs18's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    In Response to Re: Eye candy : Yes, but you are still assuming that when she asked him about it, she expressed that it bothered her.  Not saying you're wrong, or even wrong to pull that assumption out of what the OP wrote. I can see it. All I'm trying to get across to the OP is that if she hasn't really expressed her feelings about this behavior, she needs to do that and see what happens. If she's already done it, then I'm with you. OP:  "You like looking at those sites every day?" BF: "Eh, it doesn't mean anything, except that work is a bit boring." not the same as: OP: "You know, it bothers me that you spend so much time every day looking at those sites.  I feel like I'm not attractive to you." BF: "Oh, this means nothing.  I'm much more interested in personality, even though I do like women who've had plastic surgery." Uh, yeah, here's your hat, what's your hurry and don't let the door hit you on the way out.
    Posted by cb156



    CB:

    Its funny because the conversation was just that.  I asked him why he enjoyed  the sites so much, he would bring up his job and just for fun.  I then told him,, that it bothered me because its something he searches and doesnt come across by accident.  He then mentioned looks dont matter etc etc.  Obvously mine and his conversation was more detailed and I did explain my feelings, but he told me I dont need to worry about it.

    Like I mentioned before, I hate to keep bringing it up.  I can't watch him at work or home and see if he still follows the sites.  He told me twice it means nothing but I cant tell him what to do.  Can I guy behave this way and actually not care about those qualities? 
       
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from cb156. Show cb156's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    Hi Sylvs--
    Can you provide us with some information on how you discussed this with your boyfriend?  If you've read this far, you have seen that there has been a lot of speculation about how this topic was approached and discussed, specifically concerning how you felt about it and how you expressed your feelings to him.
    As for your saying "if it doesn't mean anything, why bother to go out of your way?"  It clearly means something to you.  Only you can determine whether you find this acceptable.  If he is still doing this 5 years from now, how will you feel?
    No one really has a "type".  I have been in love with women that ranged in height from barely 5 feet to about 6 feet--blond, brunette, redhead, brown eyes, blue eyes, green eyes, rail thin and overweight.  I generally prefer brunettes, but I married a blond.  And I would never change a thing about her, nor do I spend any time looking at pictures of brunettes.
    You asked if he can be happy with someone that is not what he is fantasizing about.  Normally, I would say yes, but the fact that he is doing this "looking" daily at multiple sites I personally would find troubling.
    Finally, I would like to point out your own words:  "And while he is still searching for these 'types' of girls online makes me wonder why?"  I don't really want to get into semantics, but I find your use of the word "searching" in this context to be...interesting, if not revealing.  Is that how you really feel, that he is searching for someone to replace you?

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    For how many times you've posted your dilemma and explained that you've talked to him, he's excused it as "no big deal," and you still feel like crp, I'd say the obvious answer is that despite his good qualities he's not the right guy for you.  Does that make him evil?  No.  But, think of this, too - he should be dating someone for whom these things don't affect her self esteem.  Why should he be dealing with your insecurity about something he wants to do, doesn't see a problem with, and isn't going to stop doing?

    Relationships should give you a strong sense of being loved for who you are.  Neither of you are getting that from the other.  He's feeling nagged and judged, and you're feeling compared and insecure.  What is the point of this relationship?

    You'll both live quite happily without each other so you can both find people better suited to your needs and desires in a mate.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

     Kar, reindeergirl - I would think - would also walk before being "hurt" by a guy based on his behavior.
    ----

    Thank you, RT. But it took me a while, years, having grown up in dysfunction. Now I'm too old and too tired to put up with BS, and mature enough to say what I mean to a partner when something distresses me.

    Now Sylvs:

    But your BF chose you, not women on a screen. He's with you, he's not leaving you. Does that speak to you in any way?
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    She said many times it sabotages her self esteem so I'm guessing that if it speaks to her it says, "You're not hot enough for me to be happy just looking at YOU sexually."

    Why is there such a drive to keep this relationship in tact?  He enjoys porn.  It hurts her.  There are women for whom it would be fine with them out there for him to date.  There are men for whom porn doesn't do it for them out there for her to date.  It seems like there's an obvious solution here...
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    In Response to Re: Eye candy : In my 40's yes (will be 43 on thanksgiving day). As for self worth and boundaries.  That wisdom is hard won.  It's easy to be an armchair quarterback.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick


    Ahhh? yah....that's what we all are here ACQ's.....offering anonymous advise to anonymous posters with the limited info we are given....

    The wisdom is hard won - yeah, we learn from our mistakes - I'm hoping that's the take away for the OP here!
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from sylvs18. Show sylvs18's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    Hi Sylvs-- Can you provide us with some information on how you discussed this with your boyfriend?  If you've read this far, you have seen that there has been a lot of speculation about how this topic was approached and discussed, specifically concerning how you felt about it and how you expressed your feelings to him. As for your saying "if it doesn't mean anything, why bother to go out of your way?"  It clearly means something to you .  Only you can determine whether you find this acceptable.  If he is still doing this 5 years from now, how will you feel? No one really has a "type".  I have been in love with women that ranged in height from barely 5 feet to about 6 feet--blond, brunette, redhead, brown eyes, blue eyes, green eyes, rail thin and overweight.  I generally prefer brunettes, but I married a blond.  And I would never change a thing about her, nor do I spend any time looking at pictures of brunettes. You asked if he can be happy with someone that is not what he is fantasizing about.  Normally, I would say yes, but the fact that he is doing this "looking" daily at multiple sites I personally would find troubling. Finally, I would like to point out your own words:  "And while he is still searching for these 'types' of girls online makes me wonder why?"  I don't really want to get into semantics, but I find your use of the word "searching" in this context to be...interesting, if not revealing.  Is that how you really feel, that he is searching for someone to replace you?
    Posted by cb156



    Hi CB:

    How I discussed it?
    Yes, we were in front of the TV and he mentioned he had to show me something on the computer.  He went on the site and had to show me a gallery of dogs (similar to the very one I adopted not too long ago)  As he is scrolling through the site and galleries, honestly it was 7 out of 10 galleries were all galleries of models and galleries of girls sending pictures of themselves.  It bothered me at the moment but I didnt want to bring it up at the time.  He did the same thing a few weeks later, and I said just that " You do enjoy that site huh?" not in a angry way. He said "babe, only when I need a break from work or during lunch"  I did point out the fact that it's mostly all girls and doesnt make me feel good about myself.  Like I mentioned, I wasnt defensive about it and accusing him of being a perv.  I told him how I felt and he said not to worry, its just pictures of girls and it means nothing and that when it comes to a relationship he doesnt care about looks.  It didnt turn into an argument, I got quiet for a bit and I am sure he noticed it.

    And I do undertsand what you mean about types, I am the same way with all my previous relationships.  They didnt look a certain way or act a certain way.  But in his case, I cant help but notice that ALL and I mean ALL of his exes were very much a like.  I mean the tans, hair extensions, clothes, etc.  I know it may seem childish to say it or act this way but I am noticing that these galleries are just that.

    I am not sure if me bringing this issue up again for the third time will str things up and cause actual fights, I think that can be my fear for the next step. 
       
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    There's no need to fight.  You can tell him that you'd like him to be free to find a woman who doesn't have her self esteem threatened by his habits regarding porn and such.  And, you'd like to be free to be with a man who doesn't enjoy those things because they impact your self esteem negatively.  It doesn't have to be a "you're bad" big blow up break up. He's not bad.  You're not bad.  You're just not a good match, and that's not rewarding for either of you.  How about considering being the bigger person in the relationship and freeing you both to find people you're more suited to be with?  

    If a relationship doesn't build each other up, it tears each other down.  Both of you rise and fall with your relationship tide, and your boat is in the mud.  Breaking up is never easy, but once you get over it, you're both free to float on high tide with people who compliment each of your needs and personalities.

    Have you ever witnessed close up a relationship in which both parties are built up by the other?  I wonder if you aren't sure that that type of relationship exists and are, therefore, hesitant to move on.  I suppose if you believe all relationships are doomed to be of the tear-down type, there'd be no sense in breaking up.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from sylvs18. Show sylvs18's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
     Kar, reindeergirl - I would think - would also walk before being "hurt" by a guy based on his behavior. ---- Thank you, RT. But it took me a while, years, having grown up in dysfunction. Now I'm too old and too tired to put up with BS, and mature enough to say what I mean to a partner when something distresses me. Now Sylvs: But your BF chose you, not women on a screen. He's with you, he's not leaving you. Does that speak to you in any way?
    Posted by reindeergirl


    reindeergirl:

    Yes you make a great point that he chose to be with a girl like me.  I think it makes me feel that he even though he loves me and is with me, due to his actions it makes me feel that he is lacking the visual stimulate from me.  I dont find myself unattractive, I am a 5'3 girl 120lbs and in great shape, great job and great family/friends.   I hate to sound like I am 18 and insecure... but I just dont undertsand why he enjoys these sites.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    In Response to Re: Eye candy : Hi CB: How I discussed it? Yes, we were in front of the TV and he mentioned he had to show me something on the computer.  He went on the site and had to show me a gallery of dogs (similar to the very one I adopted not too long ago)  As he is scrolling through the site and galleries, honestly it was 7 out of 10 galleries were all galleries of models and galleries of girls sending pictures of themselves.  It bothered me at the moment but I didnt want to bring it up at the time.  He did the same thing a few weeks later, and I said just that " You do enjoy that site huh?" not in a angry way. He said "babe, only when I need a break from work or during lunch"  I did point out the fact that it's mostly all girls and doesnt make me feel good about myself.  Like I mentioned, I wasnt defensive about it and accusing him of being a perv.  I told him how I felt and he said not to worry, its just pictures of girls and it means nothing and that when it comes to a relationship he doesnt care about looks.  It didnt turn into an argument, I got quiet for a bit and I am sure he noticed it. And I do undertsand what you mean about types, I am the same way with all my previous relationships.  They didnt look a certain way or act a certain way.  But in his case, I cant help but notice that ALL and I mean ALL of his exes were very much a like.  I mean the tans, hair extensions, clothes, etc.  I know it may seem childish to say it or act this way but I am noticing that these galleries are just that. I am not sure if me bringing this issue up again for the third time will str things up and cause actual fights, I think that can be my fear for the next step.     
    Posted by sylvs18


    Men are obtuse. You need to be far more direct than that.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    I'm sad you'd refer to yourself as "a girl like me."
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from cb156. Show cb156's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    In Response to Re: Eye candy : Men are obtuse. You need to be far more direct than that.
    Posted by reindeergirl


    LOL.  OK, that's one generalization I find a bit offensive.
    He heard her, that's why he started with the "looks aren't important" stuff.
    Personally, I am unable to figure out why he would continue in a behavior that means nothing to him, but he knows its an issue for her.
    I am of a like mind with Kar right now.
    However, if Sylvs feels as though perhaps the boyfriend really hasn't heard her (again, I come back to what she says may not be what he hears, and that type of communication with a partner is learned through time), I see no reason why she shouldn't try one more time to discuss it.  What's she got to lose at this point? She can't remain silent--this bothers her, and it will eat her up inside.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    I assume you are working and have health insurance, please call your PCP and ask for a referral for professional counseling, unless you have a family member or close friend that can advise you.  Please don't listen to strangers ... they don't know you.    This is from someone who recieved bad advice when they were younger and wishes she didn't take it!
    Posted by dog-lady


    It does seem like sylvs's self-esteem is low, and might be low even if the BF stops looking at women and starts looking at lol cats. I do recommend therapy, and she can decide through that if she wants to leave this man whom she cares about.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    In Response to Re: Eye candy : Men are obtuse. You need to be far more direct than that.
    Posted by reindeergirl


    Yah, in your case...use a "club!"
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    cb, I think rdg was saying that men are more responsive to direct communication because they are not as naturally adept at picking up on subtle hints.

    I believe she's in this relationship in the first place because she thinks it's all "a girl like her" deserves.  She can bring the porn issue up until she's blue in the face, and it won't change that, the relationship, or her self esteem.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    cb, I think rdg was saying that men are more responsive to direct communication because they are not as naturally adept at picking up on subtle hints.
    ----

    ^^That^^
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:
    I'm sad you'd refer to yourself as "a girl like me."
    Posted by kargiver


    That makes me sad, too. It sounds like sylvs is setting herself apart as "other."
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from cb156. Show cb156's posts

    Re: Eye candy

    In Response to Re: Eye candy:

    cb, I think rdg was saying that men are more responsive to direct communication because they are not as naturally adept at picking up on subtle hints. I believe she's in this relationship in the first place because she thinks it's all "a girl like her" deserves.  She can bring the porn issue up until she's blue in the face, and it won't change that, the relationship, or her self esteem.
    Posted by kargiver


    In one respect, Kar, I agree--that she is not likely to change it.  however, since she seems conflicted over the situation, personally would think it would help her move on to discuss it again, IF she thinks the boyfriend has not really heard her concerns (perhaps she wasn't direct enough).  She has little to lose at this point, and moving on might be easier since it may help remove any "what ifs" she has later.

    That said, as I indicated in my initial post on this thread, I suspect a pattern in her life that she has not recognized.  She seems to see the boyfriend's pattern, but not her own.  Given that, I think that dog-lady might have the best solution, which is for the OP to talk to a professional.

     
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