How important is trust in a relationship?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    How important is trust in a relationship?

    So, Friday night my girlfriend returned from Baltimore,MD after a two week training class.  I drove into Boston and picked her up.  On the way home we stopped for a couple of beers and a bite to eat then went back to her place.
     
    I spent Friday night at her place and most of Saturday afternoon with her.  I actually had my daughter with me for a few hours so I took my girlfriend and daughter out to lunch.
     
    My girlfriend  had made plans to go out with a couple of her girlfriends Saturday night - no problem! I went out on my own and watched the ball game at a local pub that night.  I met her back at her place where she came in a bit tipsy from drinking.  She then tells me about some guy that was coming on to her, kissing her arm.  Around 10:30pm her cell rang a couple of times but, she ignored it. I spent the night, not thinking about her behavior.
     
    On Sunday we got up went out to breakfast and went shopping.  Later in the day I told my girlfriend I was going home to my place after my daughter's dance recital @ 5:00pm.  My daughter's recital ended at about 7pm.  I went back to my girlfriend's and decided I would stay the night. 

    I asked my girlfriend if she had any beer and she said "No" and that she didn't want to drink on Sunday nights anymore in an effort to lose weight - OK, sounded good to me. 

    At about 8:45pm my girlfriend gets a call on her cell, and has a big happy hello for the other person she's talking to.  Nothing alarming, she has a lot of friends.  She gets off the phone, hops in the shower and comes down stairs to tell me, "I'm going to get some beers!" and can she take my car, I say "yes" and she's off to the liquor store.  45minutes later @ 9:30pm I call her because I think she had car trouble and she answers the phone out of breath and tells me she ran into a neighbor at Wal-mart - which doesn't sell liquor!  Now my suspicion kicks in....
     
    She comes back to her house and goes between her dining room, kitchen and bathroom - NEVER entering the living room where I'm watching TV!  She goes upstairs, takes another shower and proceeds to go to bed without uttering a word to me. 

    At this point I've solved the mystery, go upstairs and pack my stuff and get ready to leave @ about 11pm. the girlfriend's "guilt" finally got the better of her and she came downstairs to tell me (#1) she met some younger/other guy while away he lives far away [hence the new Victoria's Secret garments I found in her laundry when I pulled them from the washer and put them in the dryer for her! and her not answering her cell phone telling me it fell under her bed at her hotel while in Baltimore] and she's never gonna see him again and that nothing happened then she tells me - (#2) it's a Dad of one of her son's friend's and I'm so sorry, please forgive me B.S. Then she complains that we don't want the same things, she's always chasing me after a disagreement, etc., and that a mutual friend she had confided to told her to speak with me BEFORE going after another guy(s) [obviously a waste of breath!] 

    Sneaking around your own house to avoid me tells me something "DID" happen - in Baltimore and in her home town!  In the end it became clear she was doing a guy in (1) Baltimore (2) Halifax and (3) Me!

    She then sends me text message's after I left:

    "I am so sorry I hurt you please believe me I am wrong, so wrong for doing that I can't go back but I need u to know that I am sorry.  Please call me in a few days so we can talk."

    ....she told her son she just "met the guy for a drink"...she must have spilled it on herself necessitating a second shower! Wonder if she told her son that while she was having a drink with this guy that I was at her place waiting for her to return with the beer she stepped out for? - in my car no less.
     
    What hurts me the most is that when we started dating she told me she had trust issues because her husband cheated on her [she had later confided that she  cheated on her second husband first! - and that she cheated on her first husband with her future second husband!] so I was monogamous, never strayed and let her trust me and this is how I get repaid....that and in need of an STD & AIDS Test
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from cb156. Show cb156's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    Declare Free Agency and attend open try-outs.
    Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship.  Once it's broken, it can be nearly impossible to repair, and if it is repaired, it is never what it was.
    Is it acceptable to you to be treated this way?  Then don't let yourself be treated like this.  If you "take her back", there is a possibility that she might straighten out, but a greater likelihood that she "learns" that she can do what she wants, and you'll still be there.  She obviously didn't learn her lesson the first time around in her marriage.  She understands what cheating is and what it means, which is why she initially told you her marriage failed because her husband cheated.
    And if she has a relationship--like you or a marriage--and she needs to stray, that's an indication that something inside her is broken.  It isn't about you, and as others have said, you can't fix her.  It's not your job.
    Sounds like you've been married before.  If that ended in divorce, I highly recommend review of the game tapes on that, especially if it came about because of how the ex treated you.  Pay attention to similarities between the ex's treatment of you, and the current GF.  Patterns are important.  If you are constantly drawn to the same kind of person (for example, women that are not really emotionally available to you, or relationships where you will always be less important than other things), you will keep ending up in the same kinds of relationships with the same results.
    After that kind of review, you may realize you need to adjust your drafting strategy for new players.
    Good Luck.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from miscricket. Show miscricket's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    I think trust is the most important thing in a relationship. It's possible to love someone and not trust them..but as you know..this will not make you happy. A person only gets a couple of chances to lie to me..and that's it. I can't be bothered with someone I can't trust..it's as simple as that. I've always taught my son that a lie only makes things worse and I believe that.
    Sorry..but I think you should just move on. Being with someone you can't trust just isn't worth it..I've tried and in the end you will move on anyhow..so better to do it now.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from Shortylicious. Show Shortylicious's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    Time to move on. You're not married, she has a history of cheating...what's the delimma here? I really don't understand why people accept this kind of cr@p from the people they are dating.
    Good Luck!
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e. Show 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    Trust is really important. She may have had sex with this other man, may not have, but just her demeanor and behavior are intolerable. Sneaking in the house, grabbing a shower and going to bed without saying good night is disrespectful behavior and kind of childish, really. If she'd come home from the trip and said that she met someone and she wants to cool things off with you and not be exclusive then you would have had a chance to talk things out. She may have thought she'd have privacy on Sunday night because of your original plan to go home to your place after your daughter's recital and then she didn't really know how to handle things when you decided to come over instead. It's not an excuse but it might explain the odd discussion about the beer.

    I don't know how you determine whether a person is trustworthy or not except by getting to know them. To some extent you can watch and see how someone treats others and then figure that you'll get that treatment eventually yourself. You can also respond to the little things and perhaps catch the behavior a bit earlier. From what I read on LL, a lot of people rank thinness and fitness, good looks, great clothes, income and so on way above trustworthiness and honesty. Thinking about your priorities in terms of what you want in your next lady might help. Thinking about what you have to offer in terms of the depth of the relationship might help you choose the right partner; if you want someone to snuggle with on a regular basis but not much more then you have to find someone who wants that also and isn't looking for more. I'm guessing your current lady was looking for more, although I don't condone her cheating in any way.

    Hope that helps.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    It's crucial.

    She left you in her house while she went out and shagged some guy. She then came home, entered through another door to avoid you, took a shower and then came downstairs. If that is not the definition of brazen hus-sy, I don't know what is.  Move on and don't bother returning any phone calls. 
     
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  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    For what its worth she was probably telling you the truth that its a recent thing and maybe nothing happened (though shower#2 shows guilt unless the guy stank of cologne). 
    She is a TERRIBLE liar, showing her inexperience at sneaking round behind your back. But to sneak out when you are there, right in front of your face seals her fate. Its over, she made that choice and has to live with it.
    I am with Alf. Goodbye Ho, you don't want this person influencing your daughter's future behavior any more.


     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    In Response to Re: How important is trust in a relationship?:
    [QUOTE]Have a serious talk with her,  does she want out?  Maybe she doesn't want to be exclusive right now,  maybe your both looking for different things.  The trust thing is big,  could be a deal breaker.  You've already caught her in some lies.  You have a child to take care of, so you probably don't have a lot of time to play games.  Does your daughter like her? Give it some more thought, maybe take a break.  Make a list, pros vs cons regarding this relationship, sounds silly, but sometimes it helps, especially if one side comes out longer than the other. Of course this is all speculation and only you can decide what's right for you.  Counseling, could that be a option?  Talk to some close friends.  Good Luck
    Posted by Robin39[/QUOTE]

    Thank you, but I have come to realise it's not "what she did" to me but rather "how she did it"...Had I picked her up Friday night and she said that we need to talk I certainly would have listened. If she said "you and I don't want the same things - moving in together, marriage, etc. "- then we would have parted ways the best of friends.  Would I be hurt, probably but not nearly as much as I was by her cheating on me and THEN deciding to come clean!  She cheated on her first husband with her second husband, she then cheated on her second husband, even though we never married she cheated on me too...see a pattern? Love is blind, and sometimes - as in my case - deaf and dumb too!  I have learned my life lesson, time to move on.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    What?  Why?  How?  Who cares?  The title of your thread is all that matters, and the answer is that trust is immeasurably important.  With it you have everything.  Without it you have nothing.  The details are superfluous.

    ETA:  Choice 3 is a red herring in your poll that poisons the results.  #3 can either mean "Forgive, forget, and move on in your current relationship," or "Once a liar/cheat always a liar/cheat so move on by breaking up with this person."  Given that it's tainted by a vague choice that can mean two opposite things, I'd dimiss the results of the poll altogether and just look at the essay responses.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from Shortylicious. Show Shortylicious's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    While I understand you would have prefered that she be upfront with you about what really happened, I have absolutely zero understanding why you'd want to associate with someone who admittedly cheats. If she had told you the truth you'd have parted ways 'best friends'?! I really think you need to redefine the qualities you look for in your friends. Make that your life lesson. GL
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    In Response to Re: How important is trust in a relationship?:
    [QUOTE]What?  Why?  How?   Who cares?  The title of your thread is all that matters, and the answer is that trust is immeasurably important.  With it you have everything.  Without it you have nothing.  The details are superfluous. ETA:  Choice 3 is a red herring in your poll that poisons the results.  #3 can either mean "Forgive, forget, and move on in your current relationship," or "Once a liar/cheat always a liar/cheat so move on by breaking up with this person."  Given that it's tainted by a vague choice that can mean two opposite things, I'd dimiss the results of the poll altogether and just look at the essay responses.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    Thank you, and you are correct the poll means nothing really it's the posts that have offered me the most information.  I guess there was a little bit of emotion involved in my writing the post.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    I understand, just wanted you to toss the poll. :)

    About emotion - you knew the answer to all your questions before you posted, and all emotion can do is hinder you from doing what's best for you in the long run at this point.  I hope you feel better for having poured it all out and have felt vindicated by our responses.  Most of all, I hope you can gather up the courage you need to do what you need to do in short order.  It'll be easier to recover from a breakup over the summer while the days are brighter longer and there are lots of family and friend events to enjoy.  Putting it off only means going through the same thing in the colder, darker months.  Just food for thought.

    Best wishes,
    ~kar
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    In Response to Re: How important is trust in a relationship?:
    [QUOTE]While I understand you would have prefered that she be upfront with you about what really happened, I have absolutely zero understanding why you'd want to associate with someone who admittedly cheats. If she had told you the truth you'd have parted ways 'best friends'?! I really think you need to redefine the qualities you look for in your friends. Make that your life lesson. GL
    Posted by Shortylicious[/QUOTE]


    Thank you,

    First, I do believe in forgiveness and that people deserve a second chance - in most cases.  Had she not cheated on me and we spoke about ending the relationship prior to her seeing other people [2 other guys no less!] then being friends could have been an option.  As it ended, I flicked the switch and have dismissed her from my life.

    I guess I thought some how, some way it would be different with me - as I pointed out in a previous post I was guilty of being "dumb!"

    The posts here have offered some clarity to what I had already concluded - it's an objective view, such as yours, that offers me the guidance that I obviously needed.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    I agree with Shorty's life lesson idea.  Who assigned you the task of attempting to save immoral people from the ramifications of their bad choices?  No one, and it's NOT your job.  Some people's characters are worth emotionally investing in, some aren't.  Seek out those who are worth investing in.  Avoid those who aren't.  

    Congrats on doing what you had to do and best wishes as you internalize what went wrong as you decided to get serious with this person so you can avoid similar pitfalls in the future.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from catnmouse. Show catnmouse's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    Trust is everything, you dumped her...don't look back
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    Many people repeat relationship pitfalls over and over again.  I urge you to seek personal counseling to teach you in concrete terms how to avoid your feeling responsible to save immoral people from the ramifications of their bad choices by getting into a "saving" relationship with them.  After my divorce, I had a really good emotional health plan at work and I took advantage of that.  I got a year of counseling that I found tremendously helpful.  I've been happily remarried for going on 3 years, and I honestly believe I'd have made the same mistake I made in my first marriage if I hadn't gotten help the year after my divorce.  We make the decisions we do for a reason.  Find out what it is and you can avoid that pattern in the future.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    Therapy can be, "poor, poor, sad little me, me, me, me..." that never ends and goes nowhere.

    But, on the other hand, therapy can be a way to learn new life skills (discernment, coping skills, communication skills, etc.) that can keep a person from repeating past mistakes.  That constructive type of therapy naturally stops when those skills are acquired and the person feels empowered to go forward knowing more than they did before about relationships and how to choose ones that work for emotionally healthy reasons.  They benefit from having gone to therapy for replacing self sabotaging habits with healthy ones.

    Most insurance plans do have a mental health allowance, but if one can't afford it, obviously it's not an option
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    There are potential road blocks to getting therapy, but it isn't necessarily impossible financially and/or useless.  It happened to help me tremendously, and my employer had an assistance program that made it affordable.  As far as them knowing about it goes, I had to have my therapist interviewed (after signing a HIPA waiver) to get my top secret clearance, and, while it can be a problem in some instances, it's not in many others.   Got my clearance, after all, so I guess they didn't label me as too nutty for gov't work...but, maybe that's not saying much. :)

    Like every other suggestion, it has to be weighed by the OP and determined to be useful to them or not.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e. Show 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    I don't see anything in Roger's story that "says therapy" to me and I've had some therapy. If he's repeating a negative pattern, perhaps always selecting untrustworthy women, then, OK. But that's not what I'm reading. We can all make mistakes and we can all be conned.

    The idea that someone cheated with others "but wouldn't cheat on me" is a very common misconception, especially for young people, and unlikely to be repeated if one realizes what happens and has to break off with the cheater. Once burned, twice shy.

     I babysat, a million years ago, for a woman who was in the middle of a divorce. They had two adorable little boys. Her husband had been her best friend's fiance in college and she had pursued him and married him. Surprise, surprise: he started cheating on her when the boys were still pre-schoolers. She told me that her mother had confronted her when she "took him away from" her best friend and said that if he'll cheat on her, he'll cheat on you. That lesson stuck with me.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    I don't see why anything has to "say therapy" to suggest it.  The OP can dismiss it if he thinks it's not a good option for him.

    He got involved with a woman with cheating in her heart.  I'd think he'd like to explore what happened within him that drew him to her so he won't repeat that.  He doesn't need a pattern to want to find that out.  It's human nature to repeat our mistakes if we don't proactively handle what caused them in the first place.  If he has a better way than therapy to do that, that's great!

    And, for the record, the OP doesn't sound like a nut job or anything to me, either.  In fact, I think he sounds like he has it together.  I'm simply saying therapy is one way to learn how to avoid repeating getting involved with a similar woman in the future.  It's not the only way, and I'm sure he'll survive without getting professional help if he's not interested in exploring that option.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from sugarxo. Show sugarxo's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    Bottom Line: Trust is vital ... sounds like she has a pattern of doing this.  Keep that in mind with your next relationship. Trust opens the doors for everything else. Without trust, you wont be able to share with your partner..
    Good Luck!
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e. Show 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    I agree, counselling could be very helpful. I just wish we could all get it for life's ups and downs and that it didn't require a diagnosis to be covered by insurance.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    In Response to Re: How important is trust in a relationship?:
    [QUOTE]Therapy  can  be, "poor, poor, sad little me, me, me, me..." that never ends and goes nowhere. But, on the other hand, therapy can be a way to learn new life skills (discernment, coping skills, communication skills, etc.) that can keep a person from  repeating  past mistakes.  That constructive type of therapy naturally stops when those skills are acquired and the person feels empowered to go forward knowing more than they did before about relationships and how to choose ones that work for emotionally healthy reasons.   They benefit from having gone to therapy for replacing self sabotaging habits with healthy ones. Most insurance plans do have a mental health allowance, but if one can't afford it, obviously it's not an option
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    I would gladly invest in therapy for myself and self improvement.  I wouldn't waste my time with couples counseling with this "broken and failed individual" that would in no way change her cheating ways.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    I gathered from your posts that you're a grounded, self-reflecting person who would definitely get a lot out of a finite period of personal therapy.  And, I totally agree with your thoughts on couple's counseling in this case.  Therapy falls short of being able to counsel character into someone lacking in the morality department.

    Best wishes!  I've enjoyed chatting with you.  See you around. :)

    ~kar
     

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