How important is trust in a relationship?

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  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from cb156. Show cb156's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    Declare Free Agency and attend open try-outs.
    Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship.  Once it's broken, it can be nearly impossible to repair, and if it is repaired, it is never what it was.
    Is it acceptable to you to be treated this way?  Then don't let yourself be treated like this.  If you "take her back", there is a possibility that she might straighten out, but a greater likelihood that she "learns" that she can do what she wants, and you'll still be there.  She obviously didn't learn her lesson the first time around in her marriage.  She understands what cheating is and what it means, which is why she initially told you her marriage failed because her husband cheated.
    And if she has a relationship--like you or a marriage--and she needs to stray, that's an indication that something inside her is broken.  It isn't about you, and as others have said, you can't fix her.  It's not your job.
    Sounds like you've been married before.  If that ended in divorce, I highly recommend review of the game tapes on that, especially if it came about because of how the ex treated you.  Pay attention to similarities between the ex's treatment of you, and the current GF.  Patterns are important.  If you are constantly drawn to the same kind of person (for example, women that are not really emotionally available to you, or relationships where you will always be less important than other things), you will keep ending up in the same kinds of relationships with the same results.
    After that kind of review, you may realize you need to adjust your drafting strategy for new players.
    Good Luck.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from miscricket. Show miscricket's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    I think trust is the most important thing in a relationship. It's possible to love someone and not trust them..but as you know..this will not make you happy. A person only gets a couple of chances to lie to me..and that's it. I can't be bothered with someone I can't trust..it's as simple as that. I've always taught my son that a lie only makes things worse and I believe that.
    Sorry..but I think you should just move on. Being with someone you can't trust just isn't worth it..I've tried and in the end you will move on anyhow..so better to do it now.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from Shortylicious. Show Shortylicious's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    Time to move on. You're not married, she has a history of cheating...what's the delimma here? I really don't understand why people accept this kind of cr@p from the people they are dating.
    Good Luck!
     
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    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    Trust is really important. She may have had sex with this other man, may not have, but just her demeanor and behavior are intolerable. Sneaking in the house, grabbing a shower and going to bed without saying good night is disrespectful behavior and kind of childish, really. If she'd come home from the trip and said that she met someone and she wants to cool things off with you and not be exclusive then you would have had a chance to talk things out. She may have thought she'd have privacy on Sunday night because of your original plan to go home to your place after your daughter's recital and then she didn't really know how to handle things when you decided to come over instead. It's not an excuse but it might explain the odd discussion about the beer.

    I don't know how you determine whether a person is trustworthy or not except by getting to know them. To some extent you can watch and see how someone treats others and then figure that you'll get that treatment eventually yourself. You can also respond to the little things and perhaps catch the behavior a bit earlier. From what I read on LL, a lot of people rank thinness and fitness, good looks, great clothes, income and so on way above trustworthiness and honesty. Thinking about your priorities in terms of what you want in your next lady might help. Thinking about what you have to offer in terms of the depth of the relationship might help you choose the right partner; if you want someone to snuggle with on a regular basis but not much more then you have to find someone who wants that also and isn't looking for more. I'm guessing your current lady was looking for more, although I don't condone her cheating in any way.

    Hope that helps.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    It's crucial.

    She left you in her house while she went out and shagged some guy. She then came home, entered through another door to avoid you, took a shower and then came downstairs. If that is not the definition of brazen hus-sy, I don't know what is.  Move on and don't bother returning any phone calls. 
     
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    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    For what its worth she was probably telling you the truth that its a recent thing and maybe nothing happened (though shower#2 shows guilt unless the guy stank of cologne). 
    She is a TERRIBLE liar, showing her inexperience at sneaking round behind your back. But to sneak out when you are there, right in front of your face seals her fate. Its over, she made that choice and has to live with it.
    I am with Alf. Goodbye Ho, you don't want this person influencing your daughter's future behavior any more.


     
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  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    What?  Why?  How?  Who cares?  The title of your thread is all that matters, and the answer is that trust is immeasurably important.  With it you have everything.  Without it you have nothing.  The details are superfluous.

    ETA:  Choice 3 is a red herring in your poll that poisons the results.  #3 can either mean "Forgive, forget, and move on in your current relationship," or "Once a liar/cheat always a liar/cheat so move on by breaking up with this person."  Given that it's tainted by a vague choice that can mean two opposite things, I'd dimiss the results of the poll altogether and just look at the essay responses.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from Shortylicious. Show Shortylicious's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    While I understand you would have prefered that she be upfront with you about what really happened, I have absolutely zero understanding why you'd want to associate with someone who admittedly cheats. If she had told you the truth you'd have parted ways 'best friends'?! I really think you need to redefine the qualities you look for in your friends. Make that your life lesson. GL
     
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  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    I understand, just wanted you to toss the poll. :)

    About emotion - you knew the answer to all your questions before you posted, and all emotion can do is hinder you from doing what's best for you in the long run at this point.  I hope you feel better for having poured it all out and have felt vindicated by our responses.  Most of all, I hope you can gather up the courage you need to do what you need to do in short order.  It'll be easier to recover from a breakup over the summer while the days are brighter longer and there are lots of family and friend events to enjoy.  Putting it off only means going through the same thing in the colder, darker months.  Just food for thought.

    Best wishes,
    ~kar
     
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  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    I agree with Shorty's life lesson idea.  Who assigned you the task of attempting to save immoral people from the ramifications of their bad choices?  No one, and it's NOT your job.  Some people's characters are worth emotionally investing in, some aren't.  Seek out those who are worth investing in.  Avoid those who aren't.  

    Congrats on doing what you had to do and best wishes as you internalize what went wrong as you decided to get serious with this person so you can avoid similar pitfalls in the future.
     
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    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    Trust is everything, you dumped her...don't look back
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    Many people repeat relationship pitfalls over and over again.  I urge you to seek personal counseling to teach you in concrete terms how to avoid your feeling responsible to save immoral people from the ramifications of their bad choices by getting into a "saving" relationship with them.  After my divorce, I had a really good emotional health plan at work and I took advantage of that.  I got a year of counseling that I found tremendously helpful.  I've been happily remarried for going on 3 years, and I honestly believe I'd have made the same mistake I made in my first marriage if I hadn't gotten help the year after my divorce.  We make the decisions we do for a reason.  Find out what it is and you can avoid that pattern in the future.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    Therapy can be, "poor, poor, sad little me, me, me, me..." that never ends and goes nowhere.

    But, on the other hand, therapy can be a way to learn new life skills (discernment, coping skills, communication skills, etc.) that can keep a person from repeating past mistakes.  That constructive type of therapy naturally stops when those skills are acquired and the person feels empowered to go forward knowing more than they did before about relationships and how to choose ones that work for emotionally healthy reasons.  They benefit from having gone to therapy for replacing self sabotaging habits with healthy ones.

    Most insurance plans do have a mental health allowance, but if one can't afford it, obviously it's not an option
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    There are potential road blocks to getting therapy, but it isn't necessarily impossible financially and/or useless.  It happened to help me tremendously, and my employer had an assistance program that made it affordable.  As far as them knowing about it goes, I had to have my therapist interviewed (after signing a HIPA waiver) to get my top secret clearance, and, while it can be a problem in some instances, it's not in many others.   Got my clearance, after all, so I guess they didn't label me as too nutty for gov't work...but, maybe that's not saying much. :)

    Like every other suggestion, it has to be weighed by the OP and determined to be useful to them or not.
     
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    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    I don't see anything in Roger's story that "says therapy" to me and I've had some therapy. If he's repeating a negative pattern, perhaps always selecting untrustworthy women, then, OK. But that's not what I'm reading. We can all make mistakes and we can all be conned.

    The idea that someone cheated with others "but wouldn't cheat on me" is a very common misconception, especially for young people, and unlikely to be repeated if one realizes what happens and has to break off with the cheater. Once burned, twice shy.

     I babysat, a million years ago, for a woman who was in the middle of a divorce. They had two adorable little boys. Her husband had been her best friend's fiance in college and she had pursued him and married him. Surprise, surprise: he started cheating on her when the boys were still pre-schoolers. She told me that her mother had confronted her when she "took him away from" her best friend and said that if he'll cheat on her, he'll cheat on you. That lesson stuck with me.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    I don't see why anything has to "say therapy" to suggest it.  The OP can dismiss it if he thinks it's not a good option for him.

    He got involved with a woman with cheating in her heart.  I'd think he'd like to explore what happened within him that drew him to her so he won't repeat that.  He doesn't need a pattern to want to find that out.  It's human nature to repeat our mistakes if we don't proactively handle what caused them in the first place.  If he has a better way than therapy to do that, that's great!

    And, for the record, the OP doesn't sound like a nut job or anything to me, either.  In fact, I think he sounds like he has it together.  I'm simply saying therapy is one way to learn how to avoid repeating getting involved with a similar woman in the future.  It's not the only way, and I'm sure he'll survive without getting professional help if he's not interested in exploring that option.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from sugarxo. Show sugarxo's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    Bottom Line: Trust is vital ... sounds like she has a pattern of doing this.  Keep that in mind with your next relationship. Trust opens the doors for everything else. Without trust, you wont be able to share with your partner..
    Good Luck!
     
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    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    I agree, counselling could be very helpful. I just wish we could all get it for life's ups and downs and that it didn't require a diagnosis to be covered by insurance.
     
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  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    I gathered from your posts that you're a grounded, self-reflecting person who would definitely get a lot out of a finite period of personal therapy.  And, I totally agree with your thoughts on couple's counseling in this case.  Therapy falls short of being able to counsel character into someone lacking in the morality department.

    Best wishes!  I've enjoyed chatting with you.  See you around. :)

    ~kar
     
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