How important is trust in a relationship?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    You're right, Robin, I absolutely do not know her which is why I didn't comment at all on the idea of her getting personal counseling. You'll notice it was couple's counseling that we were commenting on with respect to the woman, and, as the OP aptly said, that would be useless.  And, one can assume it will be useless without knowing a darned thing about the woman because the OP has said that the trust is gone and cannot be won back.  Maybe the woman will get personal counseling and benefit, but that is neither here nor there with respect to this thread.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    In Response to Re: How important is trust in a relationship?:
    [QUOTE]The woman made a mistake and obviously doesn't do well in the relationship department.  Noone here knows enough about her to speculate as to whether or not she'd be receptive to counseling..... actually, she made need the help more than him.             A therapist is not judgmental.
    Posted by Robin39[/QUOTE]

    She is in therapy and denial! - Everytime she had an appointment she would lament about how she "didn't need it!" I argued two points with her (1) go to therapy if not for you then the others in her life and (2) that her female counselor blurred the lines between friend and patient and that she needed to find another therapist. I am of the opinion that NOBODY can help YOU unless YOU help yourself and that she doesn't want to help herself.

    I suffered from the delusion that I was different than the other guys from her past, I thought that I could encourage and help her move forward in her life by being honest and sincere, I believed that by being faithful I would get the same in return.  Then after some reflection since moving on I realized I can't fix broke!
    It was only a matter of time before she cheated on me and I can only assume it's a pattern she will continue throughout her life - but that's not my problem!
    Smile
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    It seems we've lived much of the same life, lol, and I have a really good feeling about where your life is headed (if you'll allow me the post-epiphany breakup extrapolation). Cool
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    I should have read her text messages Sunday night after I left...

    "I am so sorry I hurt you please believe me I am wrong, so wrong for doing that I can't go back but I need u to know that I am sorry.  Please call me in a few days so we can talk."

    ...needless to say there is no need to "talk".

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    Wow, how much I can relate to your story is uncanny.  My ex (mid-divorce) told me the exact same thing short of the "talk" part - he knew better than that.  He wanted to be in the "divorced but still friends" club after it was final, and I said I require trust in my friendships, too, and if I still trusted him we'd still be married so that was that.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    Yeah, Communication, Consideration, Compromise and Trust...if I can't have that in "any" relationship then there is NO relationship period.................
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    My philosophy precisely, and it's held me in good stead.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Fun1. Show Fun1's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    In Response to How important is trust in a relationship?:
    [QUOTE]So, Friday night my girlfriend returned from Baltimore,MD after a two week training class.  I drove into Boston and picked her up.  On the way home we stopped for a couple of beers and a bite to eat then went back to her place.   I spent Friday night at her place and most of Saturday afternoon with her.  I actually had my daughter with me for a few hours so I took my girlfriend and daughter out to lunch.   My girlfriend  had made plans to go out with a couple of her girlfriends Saturday night - no problem! I went out on my own and watched the ball game at a local pub that night.  I met her back at her place where she came in a bit tipsy from drinking.  She then tells me about some guy that was coming on to her, kissing her arm.  Around 10:30pm her cell rang a couple of times but, she ignored it. I spent the night, not thinking about her behavior.   On Sunday we got up went out to breakfast and went shopping.  Later in the day I told my girlfriend I was going home to my place after my daughter's dance recital @ 5:00pm.  My daughter's recital ended at about 7pm.  I went back to my girlfriend's and decided I would stay the night.  I asked my girlfriend if she had any beer and she said "No" and that she didn't want to drink on Sunday nights anymore in an effort to lose weight - OK, sounded good to me.  At about 8:45pm my girlfriend gets a call on her cell, and has a big happy hello for the other person she's talking to.  Nothing alarming, she has a lot of friends.  She gets off the phone, hops in the shower and comes down stairs to tell me, "I'm going to get some beers!" and can she take my car, I say "yes" and she's off to the liquor store.  45minutes later @ 9:30pm I call her because I think she had car trouble and she answers the phone out of breath and tells me she ran into a neighbor at Wal-mart - which doesn't sell liquor!  Now my suspicion kicks in....   She comes back to her house and goes between her dining room, kitchen and bathroom - NEVER entering the living room where I'm watching TV !  She goes upstairs, takes another shower and proceeds to go to bed without uttering a word to me.  At this point I've solved the mystery, go upstairs and pack my stuff and get ready to leave @ about 11pm. the girlfriend's  "guilt" finally got the better of her and she came downstairs to tell me (#1) she met some younger/other guy while away he lives far away [ hence the new Victoria's Secret garments I found in her laundry when I pulled them from the washer and put them in the dryer for her! and her not answering her cell phone telling me it fell under her bed at her hotel while in Baltimore ] and she's never gonna see him again and that nothing happened then she tells me - (#2) it's a Dad of one of her son's friend's and I'm so sorry, please forgive me B.S. Then she complains that we don't want the same things, she's always chasing me after a disagreement, etc., and that a mutual friend she had confided to told her to speak with me BEFORE going after another guy(s) [ obviously a waste of breath !]  Sneaking around your own house to avoid me tells me something "DID" happen - in Baltimore and in her home town!  In the end it became clear she was doing a guy in (1) Baltimore (2) Halifax and (3) Me! She then sends me text message's after I left: "I am so sorry I hurt you please believe me I am wrong, so wrong for doing that  I can't go back but I need u to know that I am sorry.  Please call me in a few days so we can talk." ....she told her son she just "met the guy for a drink" ...she must have spilled it on herself necessitating a second shower! Wonder if she told her son that while she was having a drink with this guy that I was at her place waiting for her to return with the beer she stepped out for? - in my car no less.   What hurts me the most is that when we started dating she told me she had trust issues because her husband cheated on her [ she had later confided that she   cheated on her second husband first! - and that she cheated on her first husband with her future second husband !] so I was monogamous, never strayed and let her trust me and this is how I get repaid....that and in need of an STD & AIDS Test
    Posted by RogerTaylor[/QUOTE]



    It sounds as though your ex-girlfriend has a long history of cheating on her partners, but it is unclear as to when in your relationship you found this out. Regardless of when you found out, it is clear that the issue is hers not yours. You are obviously not the first person this has happened to (just ask both her prior husbands). There is no guarantee that you won’t “repeat the same mistakes” in the future, after all “love is blind.” It is important to remember if someone cheated on their previous partner, odds are that they will most likely do the same to you. It may be hard for you to trust again, but in order to have a meaningful relationship there needs to be trust on both sides and this takes time. In the future I would suggest taking the time to really get to know the person you are dating before entering a committed long term relationship. Find out about their previous experiences in relationships and do not be afraid to ask questions when things do not seem to add up. Make it a regular habit to talk to your partner and let your partner know that she can talk to you when things do not seem to be going well. I would not classify you as an “idiot” or “gullible,” but rather as a person who is honest and straightforward and expects the same from others. Do not compromise your values based on the “shortcomings” of others, such as your ex-girlfriend. One day you may find a partner who does “want the same things” as you.

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from oktret3. Show oktret3's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    B**tch be WIL-IN....pack ur balls up and leave her a**....fool me once shame on you fool me twice you got hep C
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from italiangirlmaria. Show italiangirlmaria's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    In Response to Re: How important is trust in a relationship?:
    [QUOTE]For what its worth she was probably telling you the truth that its a recent thing and maybe nothing happened (though shower#2 shows guilt unless the guy stank of cologne).  She is a TERRIBLE liar, showing her inexperience at sneaking round behind your back. But to sneak out when you are there, right in front of your face seals her fate. Its over, she made that choice and has to live with it. I am with Alf. Goodbye Ho, you don't want this person influencing your daughter's future behavior any more.
    Posted by plasko[/QUOTE]

    The apology? the second shower?....she's a tramp, who-are, scum AND a liar!
    You really needed to post here to figure out the obvious?  After reading your post I see a "trusting", "loving" and "caring" individual willing to trust someone that had been hurt in her past - too good for this "tramp!"

    Be glad she's gone and move on!  Karma's a be a itch and will catch up to her in time! Don't be surprised if she should knock on your door begging you to take her back after figuring out how she screwed up!  My suggestion - slam the door in her face!
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from uklfstyle. Show uklfstyle's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    I think trust in a relationship is the MOST important thing !! :D:D
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from DrDiSaia. Show DrDiSaia's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship. Your girl is acting squirrelly to say the least. If you let this go, the episode will repeat.

    It's your call but it might be time to entertain alternatives.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from InspirationLoveFate. Show InspirationLoveFate's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    It is everything since it's the foundation of any relationship.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    I feel we can support RT without resorting to calling the woman those disparaging terms. What is this, the Victorian period?

    she's a tramp, who-are

    &etc.

    RT - Without trust, there's nothing.

    Also, she seems to have a problem with alcohol. You are well rid of her, and her addiction.

    You mentioned, RT, that you laundered some lovely little garments for her, garments you suspect she wore for one or more other men. That to me means she's either obtuse or cruel. Or maybe she just doesn't care. When I date but dn 't promise monogamy, I'd never wear anything so intimate for anyone other but the man with whom I'd first shared the lingerie. If he bought it for me, it still belongs to him in spirit. If I bought it to wear for him, it belongs to him in spirit.

    You deserve so much better. I don't feel she's a "tramp" for wanting more than one partner, but she's been dishonest with you. It takes so much work to regain trust - is she up for it? Are you willing to let her try? You realize that you will always be watching every move she makes, even though she has to endure providing proof to you 24/7.

    I don't think it's worth it, maybe it would be if the two of you were married, but you're not. There are many fine, decent women out there who would never even think about cheating, it would be beyond their moral compass. One of them is waiting for you - find her.

     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    In Response to Re: How important is trust in a relationship?:
    [QUOTE]I feel we can support RT without resorting to calling the woman those disparaging terms. What is this, the Victorian period? she's a tramp, who-are &etc. RT - Without trust, there's nothing. Also, she seems to have a problem with alcohol. You are well rid of her, and her addiction. You mentioned, RT, that you laundered some lovely little garments for her, garments you suspect she wore for one or more other men. That to me means she's either obtuse or cruel. Or maybe she just doesn't care. When I date but dn 't promise monogamy, I'd never wear anything so intimate for anyone other but the man with whom I'd first shared the lingerie. If he bought it for me, it still belongs to him in spirit. If I bought it to wear for him, it belongs to him in spirit. You deserve so much better. I don't feel she's a "tramp" for wanting more than one partner, but she's been dishonest with you. It takes so much work to regain trust - is she up for it? Are you willing to let her try? You realize that you will always be watching every move she makes, even though she has to endure providing proof to you 24/7. I don't think it's worth it, maybe it would be if the two of you were married, but you're not. There are many fine, decent women out there who would never even think about cheating, it would be beyond their moral compass. One of them is waiting for you - find her.
    Posted by reindeergirl[/QUOTE]

    Thank you REINDEERGIRL.....
    Couple points (1) she, like her mother, IS a functioning alcoholic (hind sight is 20/20) and (2) in reviewing the tapes (per cb156) and reading letters from exes and the letters of apologies from them it appears my process of selection requires some work on my part.  I'm a serial monogamist, I have never cheated on anyone - I wouldn't know how! I prefer the high road - the truth, if you don't want to be with me tell me. I also make the mistake of choosing women that are "emotionally injured" and as a result I suffer from the "knight in shining armour syndrome" I want to save the woman from her emotional pain and make it all better - WRONG! That's not my job.....I'm learning and when I choose to start dating again I will make a conscious effort not to repeat my mistakes...

    One other note...

    "I don't feel she's a "tramp" for wanting more than one partner"...huh? STD's, AIDS...cut me loose THEN go find another guy(s) nobody likes "sloppy seconds" - I was one (1) of three (3) in a weekend - or "sloppy thirds" She/we wanted a "trusting", monogamist relationship, she chose to cheat - she broke HER rules by cheating and violating the TRUST she wanted between us. She's the past, I'm done, there is no second chance without my getting the word "WELCOME"  tattooed on my forehead!
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    Please allow me to clarify. I apologize for that.

    I meant if she wanted a poly lifestyle, she's not a "tramp" (a word I still don't like). Of she wanted poly, it was her responsibility to discuss that with you. Since you're monogamous (as I am, too), it was her responsibility to tell you she wanted more than one lover - and at that moment, left the decision about your relationship with her up to you.

    But I don't think she's poly, because healthy poly folks seek consensual poly families. If she knew going in that you were mongamous, then she should not have gone any further with you. Again, that was her responsibility. Cheating isn't poly. Cheating is cheating.

    I was trying to make my point (apparently unsuccessfully) that I don't like old-fashioned terms that may not necessarily make their own case as words. For example. "spinster":

    http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=spinster

    spinster Look up spinster at Dictionary.com
    mid-14c., "female spinner of thread," from M.E. spinnen (see spin) + -stere, feminine suffix. Spinning commonly done by unmarried women, hence the word came to denote "an unmarried woman" in legal documents from 1600s to early 1900s, and by 1719 was being used generically for "woman still unmarried and beyond the usual age for it."
    Spinster, a terme, or an addition in our Common Law, onely added in Obligations, Euidences, and Writings, vnto maids vnmarried. [John Minsheu, "Ductor in Linguas," 1617]

    -------

    But today "spinster" is ... . See? Words and culture evolve. By someone else's definition, I might be a tramp because of the number of BFs/lovers I've yet. Yet, I've loved them all, each and every one of them.

    I don't think anyone is a so-called tramp for wanting poly. But she's not poly. She's a libertine - and at your expense.

    So, to sum, my argument was with words (because I have something of the historical linguist's background), not with the way she treated you. I agree. It was heinous, and no-one who lives his life with integrity and concern for others deserves it. And I'm sorry I sounded like I was defending her behavior with you. I wasn't, and I wish you all the best with your relationships to come. Any woman worth her salt would want you.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from MoVa. Show MoVa's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    That is some story. I am so sorry this happened to you. This woman can't be trusted because she is a cheater, but she is also a liner-upper. I doubt that she can be without a man for very long, so she will always have one waiting in the wings, as long as her looks will allow.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    A couple of points; on our first date we discussed trust, monogamy and our kids and the value/priority they would have in a relationship:

    Trust - she was cheated on by her husband and was afraid the next guy she would be with would cheat on her, I assured her that I wasn't built that way and that I had never cheated before (I later learned that she had cheated on her first husband with her future second husband and that the first marriage only lasted 2 weeks!)

    Monogamy - neither one of us where interested in playing the field - to quote her - I'd never let go of a guy as nice as you, blah, blah, blah, B.S. Again I explained I wasn't "built" that way. I am a serial monogamist not a "playah!"

    Kids - it was important that I put my kids first when it came time to spend time and do things with them. That actually worked out well for both of us and the kids - hers and mine - grew close.

    MoVa - I have learned that she has men lined up to break her fall, she's one of "those" females that can't be alone. Alone time for her gives her time to think and reflect on her lifestyle and I'm pretty sure she doesn't like what she sees.
    Her functioning alcoholism is a coping mechanism for her guilt, she's yet to realize that her alcohol consumption only adds to her problems and doesn't help her.

    There are only two kinds of men in her life - the one's she's cheating on and the one's she is cheating with (both married and single she has NO moral compass)

    ...but she's not my problem..............R.I.P. 
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    In Response to Re: How important is trust in a relationship?:
    [QUOTE]Please allow me to clarify. I apologize for that. I meant if she wanted a poly lifestyle, she's not a "tramp" (a word I still don't like). Of she wanted poly, it was her responsibility to discuss that with you. Since you're monogamous (as I am, too), it was her responsibility to tell you she wanted more than one lover - and at that moment, left the decision about your relationship with her up to you. But I don't think she's poly, because healthy poly folks seek consensual poly families. If she knew going in that you were mongamous, then she should not have gone any further with you. Again, that was her responsibility. Cheating isn't poly. Cheating is cheating. I was trying to make my point (apparently unsuccessfully) that I don't like old-fashioned terms that may not necessarily make their own case as words. For example. "spinster": http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=spinster spinster mid-14c., "female spinner of thread," from M.E. spinnen (see spin ) + -stere, feminine suffix. Spinning commonly done by unmarried women, hence the word came to denote "an unmarried woman" in legal documents from 1600s to early 1900s, and by 1719 was being used generically for "woman still unmarried and beyond the usual age for it." Spinster , a terme, or an addition in our Common Law, onely added in Obligations, Euidences, and Writings, vnto maids vnmarried. [John Minsheu, "Ductor in Linguas," 1617] ------- But today "spinster" is ... . See? Words and culture evolve. By someone else's definition, I might be a tramp because of the number of BFs/lovers I've yet. Yet, I've loved them all, each and every one of them. I don't think anyone is a so-called tramp for wanting poly. But she's not poly. She's a libertine - and at your expense. So, to sum, my argument was with words (because I have something of the historical linguist's background), not with the way she treated you. I agree. It was heinous, and no-one who lives his life with integrity and concern for others deserves it. And I'm sorry I sounded like I was defending her behavior with you. I wasn't, and I wish you all the best with your relationships to come. Any woman worth her salt would want you.
    Posted by reindeergirl[/QUOTE]

    Thank you REINDEERGIRL....I agree with you if she said I'm a poly versus someone looking for monogamy then I had an "out" and would have been on my way....I represented a "wholesome" guy to her - at the time - and in the end I was nothing more than something/someone to do for 3 and a half years....Wink
     
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  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    In Response to Re: How important is trust in a relationship?:
    [QUOTE]Just read this thread.  She sounds like she was a wounded bird that didn't know how to end a relationship that wasn't going anywhere. Sorry that your relationship ended in this way.  I hope the next time around you pick someone that is a little stronger emotionally.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    Thank you

    I think I just need to be set up on a blind date by my friends or family....my picks are usually and unfortunately - "wrong"  Embarassed
     
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  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    In Response to Re: How important is trust in a relationship?:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: How important is trust in a relationship? : I can relate to the broken people picker phenomenon. My girl friends asked to be invited along on my next first date so that they could vet him.  I'm not sure if they were kidding....
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    I would actually enjoy that approach! It would be a two way street - they would be trying to figure out what kind of guy I am and I would get to know the kinds of people she hangs out with...you're judged by the company you keep soooooo.

    I'm a no pressure guy, always have been.  I actually ask permission for a kiss - why? my thought - just because I take a woman out and spend $X I never thought they "owed" me anything in return. A bit old fashioned - yes, a timid approach - true - but, being a gentleman and setting an example for my kids is very important to me and I need to walk the walk and talk the talk for both my son and daughter.

    Wink

     
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  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: How important is trust in a relationship?

    In Response to Re: How important is trust in a relationship?:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: How important is trust in a relationship? : I think we are similarly social.  I think you learn a lot more about a person in a crowd than you do 1:1 because you see them react to many different individuals at the same time. That whole spending $X on a date though.  That must be a republican thing.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    Yeah but, if all your friends are alcoholics you're screwed!

    The $X thing comes from my being a leftist, socialist, liberal, meat eating, communist with a Zen philosophy!

    Signed,
    Imperial Leader Taylor
     
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