In law confrontations

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from GirlFriday44. Show GirlFriday44's posts

    In law confrontations

    If you and your spouse agree that an issue needs to be addressed with your MIL, should they (the child of the inlaw) be the one to lead the discussion, even if the issue is one that revolves around you as the spouse?  I am wondering how others deal with this or would deal with it.

    I think, in general, the child should, but DH thinks it is up to the spouse and the parent. He feels specifically since it is my issue I should deal with his mother, even though, in reality it is something that she did to our family (a whole different aspect of the issue, but too much for this post). We have been married just under 3 years (together for about 4.5) and see her a few times a year, so there isn't a lot of contact and established relationship to draw from.

    There is a huge 'ole rats nest to be untangled when it comes to MIL, but I feel we need to start out on the right foot when dealing with her - or I should say start over on the right foot and this is the first step.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from easydoesit2. Show easydoesit2's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    It seems to me that DH isn't on board with you on this.  He either doesn't agree with your view that the "something she did to our family" was important or, worse, he doesn't feel you are right that anything happened at all.  If he did, then he would be just as upset as you are and wouldn't need any prodding to take the lead, much less refer to it as "your" issue with his mother. Once you straighten out your difference in view with DH, how to handle it with MIL will be much clearer.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from GirlFriday44. Show GirlFriday44's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    Thank you for the reply. :o)

    If you were in this situation, what would you expect of your spouse or do if you were the spouse (child of the inlaw)??

    I tend to think that he would react this way even if the issue was one brought to my attention.

     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    GF, I agree with easydoesit in that your marriage relationship comes before your relationship with your MIL relationship/issue, by far, and you and your husband need to come to an agreement about how it should be handled and go from there.

    Does your MIL know this rat's nest exists?  I wonder why your husband doesn't want to step in on his wife's behalf with his mother.  I don't feel I have enough information, not to pry, per se, to give you any further advice. 

    The answer, as vague as your description of the problem, actually depends on the issue, the personalities of the parties involved, and the relationships between all three of you (him/his mother, you/him, you/his mother).
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from calmdown. Show calmdown's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    Your husband needs to start putting his foot down and setting the rules. He already can't go away on business. Now he has to untangle some kind of birds nest. I mean come on.  
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    In Response to Re: In law confrontations:
    Your husband needs to start putting his foot down and setting the rules. He already can't go away on business. Now he has to untangle some kind of birds nest. I mean come on.  
    Posted by calmdown


    ITA. Unless the spouse has done something heinous, husbands and wives need to be partners; their parents can't be overstepping.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from JoyNoel. Show JoyNoel's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    After 15+ years of dealing with a miserable MIL, here's some tough advice:

    1.  She won't change.  Ever.  Nothing will make her "realize" that she is in the wrong.  Any discussion/confrontation will be pointless.  Give that dream up now.
    2. You can only change your reaction to her.  Now when she insults me, I smile and think to myself, "I'm putting you in the nastiest nursing home someday, beyotch".
    3. Your husband, like mine, is afraid to confront her.  He knows he won't win. 
    4.  The best fight with an MIL is the one you avoid.  She knows this and will pick fights, but you have to be strong and not fall for it.
    5.  Although she can say/do awful things to you, if you reciprocate, she will tell EVERYONE and blame you for EVERYTHING.  You will become the "disaster-in-law".
    6.  Make her think, in spite of everything, that you like her.  It doesn't work right away, but does over time.  Talk about her good points (or make them up) to other relatives, knowing it will get back to her.
    7. When you have children, just say "that's the way Grandma is" instead of, "your Grandma's a mean, vindictive, selfish, control freak".
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    I agree with JoyNoel. I have a nightmare MIL. My method of dealing with her is to be civil, be firm, and to ignore bad behavior.
    I have my friends and my family to vent to about her, but I rarely complain about her to my husabnd, because I know that he knows the story. She's been this way for years, and he has no interest in trying to get her to change, because she won't.
    If I do say anything to him, I use "I" statements. Like "It makes me uncomfortable when she does x" or "I feel hurt when she says y"


    However, if my MIL were to ever insult me or my family in front of my husband, I would expect him to stand up for me. Just as I would stand up for him if she inslted him in front of me.

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from Shortylicious. Show Shortylicious's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    Awwwww...."that-guy", did you not get enough hugs as a child?
    Here you go...wrap your arms around yourself and I'm sending a big huggie to you!

    btw...I'm sure the writer appreciates how you read her past comments before you addressed her letter. That's very thorough of you.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    That guy, who are you quoting: "crazy, nasty, unwilling to change, listen or otherwise be civil to me"?

    None of the posters said that... I'm amused by your desperate attempt to be so extreme.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    in every post thatguy responds to he calls the OP immature and self-centered.
    so don't take it personally.

     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from that-guy. Show that-guy's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    How is this desperate  or extreme?  This attitude is implied in every response here.  Joynoel's entire response, Pink's "nightmare MIL".  Seriously, grow the F up.

    And coming here asking "what would you do if X,Y,Z" only shows the immaturity of the person posting this.  What you need to do is grow up and deal with your own issues. Not ask for advice from people on a internet message board who don't know you, don't know your situation.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from calmdown. Show calmdown's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    What happened to That Guy? He said what we were all thinking. 
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    who is "we"? is it the royal "we"?
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from Shortylicious. Show Shortylicious's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    'that-guy' absolutely did NOT write what I was thinking. While I personally do not have any issues with my own MIL, I have many friends (including my own Mum and MIL) who have had issues with their MILs. They can't ALL be immature and self-centered. There's just something about the dynamic between a wife and MIL that can cause tension. Given that 'that-guy' is neither, he doesn't understand.

    So chin up, GirlFriday! You've got some good advice here (in particular JoyNoel). Good luck!! 
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from that-guy. Show that-guy's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    "There's just something about the dynamic between a wife and MIL that can cause tension"

    You mean like when a girl gets married, she feels the entire world has to revolve around her and conform to her expectations? That she almost immediately takes a stance that it has to be "her or me" on the smallest of differing opinions?  That she feels the need to turn everything into a confrontation because she lacks the maturity to listen to other people?
    Nevermind the fact that the mother has been involved with her son for longer than that girl has, and in most cases merely wants to retain a relationship with him while having a relationship with the new wife.

    And for the record - no, none of these things go on with my mother and wife, they actually have a good relationship. 

    Yeah, you're right, one can't possibly understand those things without having a uterus.  Not like it's basic communication skills or anything.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from calmdown. Show calmdown's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    Ok, I guess I will join in then.
    My MIL is a nightmare, what do I do!!?
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    what is it that she does/is doing that you're having trouble dealing with?

    In Response to Re: In law confrontations:
    Ok, I guess I will join in then. My MIL is a nightmare, what do I do!!?
    Posted by calmdown

     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from JoyNoel. Show JoyNoel's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    Troll-guy got deleted?  There is a Mod! 

    I saw his post but didn't want to "feed" him. 
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    I've had that-guy on ignore for a month, now - it's been nice for me, and I'm just not curious enough to care to look at any of his posts.  All I've seen in place of posts is something like "You have that-guy ignored."

    If he's gone, he'll be back soon.  Let's ALL ignore him next time, shall we?  It's really easy.  Hit the button and don't let curiosity get to you.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from BigWillie2. Show BigWillie2's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    In Response to Re: In law confrontations:
    Ok, I guess I will join in then. My MIL is a nightmare, what do I do!!?
    Posted by calmdown


    Sounds like we need another Guy in this thread.  I'm here to help Brother Calm.  It's a bit extreme,  but you could do like I did: Lose the Wife and the pesky MIL goes too!   This approach will also improve your odds of making it with Aries. 

     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    Hey, Will. :)
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from BigWillie2. Show BigWillie2's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    Hi Sage!   This forum has become a morgue since I gave up blurting out every thought that was popping into my pointy little head.   As much as I'd like to try to revive one more time I think I'm going to have to just let it go peacefully.   Hope you're well and I'm sure out paths will cross in some of the other, more active ones eventually.


     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    Mm, it's been dead since the overhaul.  :(

    Things are well here, thanks.  Hope you are, too.

    Until we meet again,
    ~kar (aka Sage II)
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from mkowalcz. Show mkowalcz's posts

    Re: In law confrontations

    Joy Noel, I can't agree more, however my in-laws are b*stards who don't care, so I have cut them off.  They get in my way, I will run them over.  Life is too short to worry about a bunch of old losers who try to control me and affect my marrige.  So hell to them.  I have a great wife and child, and that is what matters to me the most.  I am very happy and have a loving family, except for the in-law b*stards.

    Have a good weekend.
     
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