Is he a cheater or just a guy?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    Your answer is: "Both"

    Unfortunately men can separate love from sex quite easily. They are 2 different mental boxes. He will love you and miss you like crazy from afar. But to help him through that he will no doubt play around to help him through the other physical need. 
    A lot of long-distance-relationships (LDRs) break down due to this. You get all the worse things about a relationship, and none of the benefits. basically you are reduced to the status of "almost-single-but-have-to-act-like-a-monk". At most your love is a little pixelated screen image on Skype. Its a horrible limbo time of hell, that can only be fixed by throwing yourself into work instead.
    LDRs work for short-term (maybe 1-2yrs) if you are making a fixed plan of being together and a fixed deadline to work towards. 
    But the fact of the matter is he is already planning to betray you before he has left! Not a good sign at all. Even if this is his "sowing his wild oats" one last time before asking you to marry him, could you forgive such terrible behavior?
    I would also try googling his email address and see what that throws up. 
    The next step is up to you. But you already know you HAVE to at least talk about it. 
    Its very possible this is the beginning of the end. Sorry.

     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from SlimPickensII. Show SlimPickensII's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    You discovered this in an innocent manner.  So instead of skulking around, gathering more evidence, why don't you hold on to the high ground while you still can?   Tell him you found out, how, and ask for an explanation.  You'll know where to go from there.  It doesn't sound good, he's definitely handled this badly. No reason for you to do the same.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from ariesgirl. Show ariesgirl's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    Cambridge - you should definitely talk to the guy - you will be acting funny and he will pick up on it and wonder what's going on so just get it out in the open.  You have a perfectly innocent way of getting this information handed into your lap without having snooped or anything but prepare yourself for him being caught off guard, being on the defensive and probably lying about why he did it.  I know you must be going through angst about whether to say anything or not because you know the potential is there for things to end and you don't want that to happen.  But if you don't have trust and clear communication it is bound not to work out in the long run anyway.  On some level he is not being honest with you and in order for you to move forward, you need to address what is really going on.  Better to find out now than 2 years from now.  I hope it all works out for you, good luck.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    There is nothing wrong w/ a long distance relationship.  It really depends on the people involved - you are not destined to failure simply b/c you live far apart from each other.

    however, this  guy is a jerk. Yes, he is planning on cheating on you.  The online profile is proof of that. I agree w/ SlimPickins.  You discovered this innocently.  Tell him that your friend lives in X city and does online dating and found his profile.  Tell him in person so you at least have the pleasure of seeing his face when he realizes that the game is up. It won't make you feel better, but if he has any scruples, you'll at least get the benefit of seeing him blush and squirm. Yeah, the relationship is over.  Dump him now. Or wait till after he takes you out for a nice New Year's Eve dinner and then dump him after he's paid the bill.  GL

    ETA: maybe I'm low maintenance, but I really think that anyone who calls you several times per day just to "check in" or "say hi", esp where they see you several times per week, is a bit clingy and unstable.  One call per day is more than sufficient unless there is some emergency. 
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from yogafriend. Show yogafriend's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    mmmmm, what does,  "he's just a guy" mean?  Boys will be boys?   So your friends are ok with cheating and lying and deception and all that "guy" behavior?   Well, good for them, because there are plenty of guys that will accomodate them. 

    As for you, is that really what you want? 

    Apparently this guy is planning to make some new friends in his new city.  You can make a profile for yourself and respond to his ad if you want to play games, but I would not even bother.

    Next time you see him, tell him.   I agree, do this in person, and set a little trap for him.   Be all nice and lovey.  Sit down and give him a hug first.   Set it up.   I know this is really hurting you, but really, be glad you found out now.  There is NO EXCUSE for this, none.   But I'd love to hear what he has to say about it. 

    This guy is an academy award winning actor, but don't give him another Oscar.  Dump him.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    To ask if he's "just being a guy" means you're setting yourself up to be cheated on because you believe all guys do.  Quality people (men and women) don't cheat.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    I want to trust him but it is hard with this kind of evidence.

    The only thing you can trust is that he has already mentally moved on if he's already starting to look for dates in his new city. 

    If he was truly in love with you, he would not have chosen to move away without you. 

    I think you should thank god that you found out about this situation and say goodbye now.  Imagine if you were here, rearranging your life to accommodate a long-distance relationship, and found out in a year, or two, or three, that he was dating others.

    Making generalizations about "how guys are" is not genuine or helpful.  You have to look at the hard evidence in your own situation and come to the logical conclusion that he doesn't love you the way you want or deserve.

    Good luck to you!
     
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  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    It's sad to be tangled up with a cheater on a gamble that he might someday forsake all the others for you...which he won't.  Not only are you nursing a pipe dream, it keeps you from being able to meet a quality guy 'cause you're stuck with him.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    Another thought.
    He could have been calling you a lot to check up on you. People always think that others think like them (its called "failing to de-center" in psychology). As a cheater I bet he is a bit paranoid about you cheating on him and wants to keep tabs on you. 
    Also your lovely gift could be his guilt talking. Cheating men always buy the wife a bunch of flowers or choccy's right after they cheat. At least in the beginning they do. (Or maybe your gift has a hidden tracking device!)
    And where are his kids in all this? With him, or staying here as well with their mother?

    At least you get a fresh new near with a fresh start as a single woman. Hit the gym, go to clubs, start new hobbies and you will meet tons of new guys! Good luck.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e. Show 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    Ouch. I'm assuming the two of you had an agreement to be exclusive, not that you just assumed it based on his level of interest. Calling you several times a day to check on you sounds not normal. And, no, not all men cheat or keep a woman interested in them until they can line up the next one. This probably hurts like hell now but you're better off without him in the long run.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from calmdown. Show calmdown's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    Cambridge, take the Calmdown low road and go in the site and hook up with him. Seduce him like Aries does with me. 
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from JEnvie. Show JEnvie's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    In Response to Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?:
    [QUOTE]Another thought. He could have been calling you a lot to check up on you. People always think that others think like them (its called "failing to de-center" in psychology). As a cheater I bet he is a bit paranoid about you cheating on him and wants to keep tabs on you.  Also your lovely gift could be his guilt talking. Cheating men always buy the wife a bunch of flowers or choccy's right after they cheat. At least in the beginning they do. (Or maybe your gift has a hidden tracking device!) And where are his kids in all this? With him, or staying here as well with their mother? At least you get a fresh new near with a fresh start as a single woman. Hit the gym, go to clubs, start new hobbies and you will meet tons of new guys! Good luck.
    Posted by plasko[/QUOTE]

    Cheating men DO NOT always buy the wife a bunch of flowers or choccyys (choccy's??) right after they cheat.

    But to the original poster - that boat has sailed, confront him and dump him, it hurts now (and i have to believe you now deep down that is what you need to do) but imagine not having that nagging thought in your mind and awful pit in your stomach on a daily basis.  Good luck
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from JEnvie. Show JEnvie's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    i have no idea why he would do that, but i am certain it is not due to anything wrong with you or a misstep by you, it is his issue but you do need to confront him and listen to him, but if anything jus doesnt add up or make you think twice,write it off to something that wold eventually falter nad get out now while the going is good
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e. Show 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    Wow, that is confusing. If you are sure that this is a new profile for the new city and not a left-over from before he met you, though, he's up to something and it's not good. As to why someone would do this? You can ask him when you ask him about the profile, but it has nothing to do with you, your lovability, or your worth as a woman or a person. 
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    When a relationship is THIS nebulous and confusing it's not good.  Move on.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    In Response to Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?:
    [QUOTE]This is the OP just adding a little more info to answer some questions. He is taking the job in another city because he will be making almost double his salary and he is in a profession where it is tough to find a job right now. Also, his calls are not "check up" calls. We talk quite a few times a day and I enjoy it as much as he does. I go out with friends and he never checks on me when I am out with them so I don't think he is obsessive. He is keeping an apt. here and plans to come back every other weekend to spend with his kids and with me (I spend his kid weekends with them now). I work from home so the plan was for me to spend 2 weeks (including weekends) a month there with him. So basically he would not have any free weekends and pretty much only about 10-12 days a month where we would not be together. The job will also be very intense and so he will be working very long hours. He is also paying for one of my flights, I would pay for the other (he has already bought some of the tickets). I have not confronted him yet, he has his kids this week and we just spent alot of time together with them. What gets me is WHY he would do this. Why would he make an elaborate plan to continue our relationship (the plan is also that by 6 months, I would move there permanantly), a plan that is going to cost him money, keep me in his children's lives and his family's, if he is not commited to this? I know that I need to face the reality that this is not right, but I just cannot grasp why a guy would do this. Wouldn't it be easier to just back out now? We just had a discussion last week about it all since he is leaving in 2 weeks, and he was adamant that he is commited to this. Do you think he is crazy?
    Posted by CambridgeGrl2[/QUOTE]


    Number one, I said "check in calls", not "check up calls".  Anyone who calls to 'check in' or 'just say hi' several times a day is either 15, seriously insecure, or needs to grow up.  It's bizarre. 

    Number two, he is not crazy. You are, if you can't figure out what is going on.  It's really simple: He is not that into you.  He is moving and either wants to have his cake and eat it too [you in one city and someone else in another] or is singing you a song and telling you what you want to hear until he finds a replacement for you in his new city. I don't care if he tells you that you are going to visit often.  Even if that is the case [and I doubt you will visit that city more than 2x before he dumps you], men still manage to find ways to cheat on their wives when they live in the same house.  The man has a dating profile up in another city where he is moving.  This clearly says "I'm looking for a woman".  And that woman is not you. 

    The fact that he has kids just makes this worse.  It really speaks to a low character that he is going to spend this much time on online dating, string along another woman in his old city, and spend time that he could spend w/ his kids looking for a new woman. 

    Long distance relationships CAN work, and moving to another city to make significantly more money in a profession where it's hard to find a job is adimriable.  His committment to his profession, however, is the only thing that is admirable about this guy.  If you want to consider seeing him until he gives you the boot, go right ahead, but I don't see the point in wasting your time.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from ariesgirl. Show ariesgirl's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    In Response to Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?:
    [QUOTE]You were totally happy with him till this "friend" brought this alleged dating site to your attention,  again I would not confront him, because he'll think you were snooping, and believe me, if you continue the relationship, he will be much sneakier the next time.  Maybe he's just curious, wants to see whats out there, what's the big deal?  He has not committed a crime! Sounds like you are emotionally invested, just take it slow, see what happens next.  Tell that "friend" you want no more updates, how cruel to tell you this at holiday time! Keep the guy, just proceed with caution!  Maybe he's stressed with all the changes going on, moving and new jobs are big adjustments, guys don't always talk about stuff, they act out. You mentioned a lot of "positives" about him, don't be so quick to discard him. remember, your not married yet, it's still a free country!         BTW: did he get you a nice Christmas present?  He wouldn't be spending time and money, if he didn't care.
    Posted by robingirl[/QUOTE]

    Wow, Robin....... so if you were dating some guy you were serious about and you thought was serious about you, and a friend of yours told you that he was on an online dating site or that she saw him out with another woman you would rather look the other way and blame the friend for being honest and telling you something you didn't want to hear?  Let me just say that that is not typical of most women.  Sounds like your idea of a committed relationship is very loose to say the least with a "boys will be boys no harm no foul attitude" which is precisely what allows some guys to behave in ways that are unacceptable if one is supposedly in a committed relationship.  Would your "boyfriend type person" be so inclined to look the other way if it was you doing the potential wandering? 
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from ariesgirl. Show ariesgirl's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    In Response to Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?:
    [QUOTE]Cambridge, take the Calmdown low road and go in the site and hook up with him. Seduce him like Aries does with me. 
    Posted by calmdown[/QUOTE]

    oh Calm, my days of seduction are long gone!
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    oy.

    First if all, you can't chalk behavior up to gender. He didn't create an online dating profile because "he's a guy", he did it because he's a jerk. You're not upset because "you're a girl", you're a human being with feelings. Feelings that he clearly wasn't considering when he set up that account.
    Letting your partner, or anyone else, use the excuse "it's because I'm a guy" or the whole "venus/mars!" thing is counterproductive and feeds into negative stereotypes. Not every guy is emotionally clueless and not every woman is overly sensitive. We're all different, and it's not simply because of what's between our legs. Nothing is to blame for his behavior except him. You need to hold him responsible, not blame all men for it. Placing the blame on his gender allows him to escape culpability. That's no good.

    I agree that you should confront him. Tell him the truth, tell him how it makes you feel, and see what he has to say. Once you've heard what he has to say, only you can decide whether or not you'll be able to trust him.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    In Response to Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?:
    [QUOTE]You were totally happy with him till this "friend" brought this alleged dating site to your attention,  again I would not confront him, because he'll think you were snooping, and believe me, if you continue the relationship, he will be much sneakier the next time.  Maybe he's just curious, wants to see whats out there, what's the big deal?  He has not committed a crime! Sounds like you are emotionally invested, just take it slow, see what happens next.  Tell that "friend" you want no more updates, how cruel to tell you this at holiday time! Keep the guy, just proceed with caution!  Maybe he's stressed with all the changes going on, moving and new jobs are big adjustments, guys don't always talk about stuff, they act out. You mentioned a lot of "positives" about him, don't be so quick to discard him. remember, your not married yet, it's still a free country!         BTW: did he get you a nice Christmas present?  He wouldn't be spending time and money, if he didn't care.
    Posted by robingirl[/QUOTE]

    Really? You can tell if someone really cares if they get you a nice present?
    Money can't buy you love.

    This guy clearly has, at least, a backup plan in the works or, at worst, is already pursuing things on the side.

    She needs to have a serious conversation with him. If he's "acting out" because he's uncomfortable "talking about stuff" then he's emotionally immature, and she should move on. No one that emotionally stunted would be able to carry on a long distance relationship. Long distance relationships require a lot of talking about "stuff".
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    there is never a convenient time to deliver bad news. It's best to just deliver it as soon as possible. I find it bothersome that you're giving the benefit of the doubt to the boyfriend, but not the friend. The friend showed loyalty by telling her friend what she saw. Her friend wasn't snooping, it preposterous to assume all she does all day is search online datign sites for her friends SOs. There's no need to put quotation marks around her.
    I would tell my friend if I saw her "boyfriend" had an online dating profile. And I would tell her right away.

    it also bothers me that you warn the OP that she shouldn't let go of her guy until she knows for sure that there's a problem, but you warn her to be wary of her friend for doing what any good friend would do. You don't ditch a friend because they told you a hard truth. Especially if they have proof.
    Her friend hasn't given her a single reason to be suspicious, her boyfriend has.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from calmdown. Show calmdown's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    You also have to think that your friend is trying to seperate you two so she can pounce on him when she goes on this site. I think your friend is the problem here.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from ariesgirl. Show ariesgirl's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    In Response to Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?:
    [QUOTE]You also have to think that your friend is trying to seperate you two so she can pounce on him when she goes on this site. I think your friend is the problem here.
    Posted by calmdown[/QUOTE]

    Calm, I know that is a photo of an old girlfriend ogling over your online dating profile and reliving those special moments you shared together.  I'm sure she occasionally pulls the photo of the two of you inside the giant champagne glass every once in a while too.  you can't fool me.  
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?

    In Response to Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy?:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is he a cheater or just a guy? : Your right!  I'm just an "old broad", I don't know anything!
    Posted by robingirl[/QUOTE]

    I never implied that you didn't know anything nor would I ever use the phrase "old broad", as I don't even know how old you are.
    I was just disagreeing with you. If you can't maturely accept that, then I'm sorry.
     

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