Is it an Affair

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from red22. Show red22's posts

    Is it an Affair

    Is it considered having an affair if you find your husband is talking an average of 3 hours per day via cell phone and texting consistently with your best friend (who is also married)?  I just discovered that this has been going on for 3 months when my cell phone provider turned off our phones because he had rung up a bill of $600.00  Need some advice
     
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  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from JEnvie. Show JEnvie's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    technically, i dont consider an affair to commence until passionate kisses have been exchanged and continue
    it doesnt have to be intercourse, but i dont think texting is an affair
    but if certainly sounds like it is heading there

     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    It sounds like an emotional affair. I would pursue some counseling so that you adjust your communication so that he can re-focus himself on your relationship instead of his "connection" with your friend. If he doesn't see the problem or doesn't want to go to counseling, I think it's a lost cause.

    And I would have a serious talk with your friend.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from Maldenlady. Show Maldenlady's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    What does your husband say about all this?

    It sounds like this was quite a jolt -- understandably...I think counseling is a good idea.

    Three hours?  That's bad news...emotional connections like that can be very devastating to a marriage...I'm so sorry you're going through this...Good luck to you, and even if your husband doesn't go for counseling, it would help you to go on your own, to figure out what you want to do about all this...

    Malden/Amethyst
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    I have wonderful friends who are married men, and I'm married, so I know men and women CAN be friends.  But, his spending that much time daily with anyone other than you, especially another women, should be a problem.  His best friend should be YOU, and if it isn't, you need to know about it and find out what needs to change so he feels he'd rather spend that much time with you instead of her.

    There are different types of affairs imo.  Emotional is like a gateway affair to the more physical types and ends with divorce if nothing changes.

    So, semantics aside (who cares how anyone defines "affair"), it's clearly bothering you (which it should imo) so you must have a talk with him.  Ask open ended questions (ones that cannot be answered by a "yes" or "no").  Listen carefully and watch his body language.  

    GL!
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from ambergirl. Show ambergirl's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    Can you elaborate more?  Did you speak with him and her?  And what was the responses?  I think this is pretty obvious that something is going on whether or not it is physical or emotional, it is still cheating in my opinion.  3 hours a day calling and texting and you didn't know about it? If it is hidden from you, there is a reason. Trust would be a huge problem going down the road even if this stops and how would you really know?  Counseling is in order here and she is not your best friend.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from ariesgirl. Show ariesgirl's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    A good rule of thumb......... if you do something and don't have a problem with your spouse/significant other looking over your shoulder or knowing about it, then it is appropriate.  If you have to hide something, whether it be phone calls, texts, emails, or physical dates, then there's a problem.  It's the dishonesty factor and if he is hiding this from you, he knows its wrong and inappropriate.  As far as the best friend goes, W T F is that?  It's one thing to be friends with someone and quite another to be so invested in them that you spend hours a day talking to them.  Not a good sign.  Doesn't really matter in the scheme of things if it is considered an affair or not.  Question is, why is he spending so much time and conversation with this woman and not you?
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    Aries, good point about the hiding of it.  I'm close friends with two (now married) men, one for almost 20 years and one for 10 and, to keep up said friendships, we go to lunch on occassion and talk on the phone randomly, but my husband and their wives always know about it.  We ask about each others' lives and such - it's nice.  Life has changed, we've all gotten married.  But, that means we all gained great new friends.  And, none of us spend (or want to spend) that insane amount of daily time with someone other than our spouses...it's why we married them.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from JEnvie. Show JEnvie's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    or, maybe they were planning a surprise party
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    That's gotta be one heck of a surprise party if it took 270 hours to plan!  I didn't spend an hour a day for 9 months planning our wedding.  

    If it's all above board, there's no reason to never mention it once in all that time.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from calmdown. Show calmdown's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    This reminds me of what happened to myself and lets call her Miss X (Aries). She would call just to "talk" and next thing she is leading me down a path of phone sin. I did weaken and ended up feeling I had to do everything or someone was going to get hurt. If you need me, I am in therapy.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from ariesgirl. Show ariesgirl's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    Calm, I trust your therapy issues began long before my phone calls.  That being said, I never touched the bottle till we met............. now it is my very best friend. 
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from meamborr. Show meamborr's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    I would say this is at least an emotional affair. I agree with others that the the most significant part of this is that you were unaware of the contact. Secret communication by one spouse with a member of the opposite sex is never good.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from tankboytaylor. Show tankboytaylor's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    If hes spending three hours a day on the phone with this women chances are its headed down that path if it already hasnt. If anything there is probally emotional ties.

    I cant think of the last time I spent three hours on the phone with anyone and the last time I did Id be willing to bet it was someone I was interested in being romantic with.

     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from ja-dee. Show ja-dee's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    it sucks but if it has been going on for 3 months and you are just finding out about this now..something really sounds like it is going on.  I am so sorry. I have never spent that much time on the phone with anyone since I was about 14 years old. But your best friend of all people that he is "talking" to. IF it has been maybe a week or maybe even a month...then yes possibly it could be them planning something for you but this long?????  Sorry :(
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from Coffee52. Show Coffee52's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    Ariesgirl nailed it dead on.  Best reply here.  Concealment is not the same as privacy. He's clearly filling a need with someone else that he can't satisfy with you, but it's not just that.  That is to say, it's the obvious intensity of it given that he's devoting so much of his waking time to her that means this is not a friendship, irrespective of whether there is any physical intimacy.  Like others here,  I have many friends of the opposite sex who are married, and my relationship with them is nothing that either of us has to conceal from our respective significant others.  You don't hide something from people unless you know that it's wrong.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from catnmouse. Show catnmouse's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    There is nothing innocent here.  He is seeking out another womans attention and getting it, to the tune of 3 hours a day for months behind your back.  Yeah, it's an affair with or with out the eventual sex.  If you have confronted him already or are about to, do not believe him when he gives you the bull he is going to feed you about how totally innocent it is.  If it was so innocent he wouldn't have hid it from you.  He will also tell you the proof of it being innocent is he knew you would see it on the bill so he wasn't really hiding it, NOPE DONT BUY IT, it's the "hiding it in plain sight" game.  Sorry you are going through this

     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from calmdown. Show calmdown's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    Hi Aries. Why doesn't Red just talk to her bestfriend? 

     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from ariesgirl. Show ariesgirl's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    I don't know Calm I suppose it's an awkward conversation to be having........... "by the way, why are you and my husband so close these days?" Maybe she has already talked to the husband and to the friend.  Goes without saying if she talked to one of them they talked to the other.  We need an update.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from red22. Show red22's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    In Response to Re: Is it an Affair:
    [QUOTE]I don't know Calm I suppose it's an awkward conversation to be having........... "by the way, why are you and my husband so close these days?" Maybe she has already talked to the husband and to the friend.  Goes without saying if she talked to one of them they talked to the other.  We need an update.
    Posted by ariesgirl[/QUOTE]
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from red22. Show red22's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    In Response to Re: Is it an Affair:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it an Affair :
    Posted by red22[/QUOTE]
    I have had a very heated conversation with the other women and she says that I really shouldn't be angry at her that if she is just having more success at keeping his attention then I am.  I should mention she is married, for 6 years and is only living under the same roof as her husband because of financial reasons, they don't share conversations, or even a bedroom.  Thanks to all of you for your advice, I didn't know if this is something that goes on more then a normal sexual affair. 
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from ariesgirl. Show ariesgirl's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    In Response to Re: Is it an Affair:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it an Affair : I have had a very heated conversation with the other women and she says that I really shouldn't be angry at her that if she is just having more success at keeping his attention then I am.  I should mention she is married, for 6 years and is only living under the same roof as her husband because of financial reasons, they don't share conversations, or even a bedroom.  Thanks to all of you for your advice, I didn't know if this is something that goes on more then a normal sexual affair. 
    Posted by red22[/QUOTE]

    Red, doesn't sound like a friend to me.......... or not a friend i would want to have anyway.  Choose those you call your friends a little more carefully than that.  I doubt this woman is watching your back.  That being said, she alone is not to blame, your husband plays a huge part in this too.  I think you should reevaluate a lot of things in your life and how you choose to live.  Have you had any heated discussions with hubby about this?  If so, what does he have to say?
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from Maldenlady. Show Maldenlady's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    Now, there's a whole lot we don't know about this situation -- maybe OP *has* tried to have a conversation with her husband about this, and got  nowhere.  I gotta go along with Aries...treat yourself well, OP, take a deep breath, get some counseling, and make some decisions that will bring you some peace (whether that means trying to make it work with  your husband, a separation, or striking out on your own).  Only you can make that decision, and a good counselor will be able to help you figure out what *you* want to do.

    Keep us posted...we're all thinking about you...

    Amethyst/Malden
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Is it an Affair

    She chided you with how she keeps his attention better than you do?  That's an affair as I define one, and certainly no friend of yours.  As far as how common emotional affairs are, I don't know, but I can imagine they are popular as the divorce rate is 50%.  I don't think you need to have been sexually cheated on to feel alone in a marriage.
     

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