Looking for some advice about a friend's relationship.. (long read)

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from bradysbgstfan. Show bradysbgstfan's posts

    Looking for some advice about a friend's relationship.. (long read)

    Hey everyone, first off, I usually post on the Patriots forums, but this has really been bugging me lately and well I can't talk to any of my friends about it, because I don't want it becoming an issue. So I'm a guy and my best friend, who's a guy (just specifing), has a girlfriend he's been dating for 3 years now. He's 19 and she'll be 18 tomorrow. Now, here comes the problem. She claims to be in love with him, and he's almost sure he loves her, but won't fully admit it. Besides the fact they're very young and love is a strong word, let's just say that's true for the sake of argument.

    Ok, well my best friend and her have always lived in the same town and they went to high school together and all that high school sweetheart thing that happens. They'd talk on the phone, go to each other's houses, all that. Well she just graduated high school, and instead of going to the university in town where her boyfriend is attending, she decided to move 2hours away to a different school. I knew my best friend would take it really hard and he did, the day she left and the following 4 days after that he was a mess. He cried, didn't know what to do without her. I know long distance college relationships aren't the best idea from what I hear, no first hand experience. Anyway, since I'm his best friend I was there to support him through everything, willing to listen and provide the best help I could, short of bringing her back to our hometown. Trust me, it was that bad for a few days.

    Now here's where it gets interesting, he does feel lost, upset, confused with her gone, but he's also SUPER protective and SUPER jealous. About a year ago while they were dating she got drunk at a party and well lets say she did some promiscious things with another guy and that really set off my best friend, he hasn't been able to trust her since. Again, he was really upset when she left, but at the same time he flips out when she posts pictures of herself with other guys on her facebook page or anything of that matter. He'll call her a "s**t" or a "b**h" and go so far as to even tell her he doesn't want to talk to her ever again, but at the same time he's upset deep down inside because he misses her. Now I know these games he's playing because it's been going on for two weeks now. He'll ignore her and expect her to come chasing after him and if she doesn't text him, he things she's out getting drunk or with some other guy. When it's just not true. He puts the "worst possible scenario" in his head and dwells on it. I try to talk him out of it, but all he says is "You don't know her like I do".

    That's where I come in, I've tried being there for the both of them, I refuse to take sides, I listen to each of them. She tells me how upset it makes her when he calls her names or when he tells her to "F off". But again, my best friend feels she's full of lies. Only based upon her one mistake. I feel horrible, because lately he'll ask me to text her and say something like "Hey, have you heard of (insert my friend's name here), because I haven't..". I know he's doing it so she'll worry even more and get upset. He won't stop either, I get into arguements with him about it and he doesn't change. I told him he's lucky, because most girls wouldn't stand for this. Yet, she does...I guess it's some kind of safe place for her to stay with him..but still. I just dont' see how any of this makes sense. I enjoy listening to both of them and trying to help matters, but last night it got to a point where I don't know what to do anymore..she texted me at 1am and was "really scared" because he kept calling her and cursing at her and calling her a liar. I don't understand why he keeps hiding from his true feelings. Plus I feel like his girlfriend deserves someone who treats her with respect ALL THE TIME, not just when he's around her. I see how happy they are together, but when she's away, he becomes a different person and it's not like it just started happening, this is how it's been for a while now.

    I really appreciate anyone who read all of that, I know it's a lot to read. I just feel like I needed to tell someone about it, because I feel so overwhelemed right now. But how should I go about this? Like I said I feel guilty when I have to lie to her and I just don't know if he'll ever stop treating her like this. Is there anyway to make him realize how terrible this is?
    I assume no one thinks this is a rightful act, but if you do, feel free to say.
    Alright, thanks again everyone.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    Re: Looking for some advice about a friend's relationship.. (long read)

    What the heck do you think you could do?  You stay out of it.  This relationship is not going to last long anyway.

    He's in love with her to the point that he sobbed for days because she went away to college, but doesn't trust her and calls her names?  She's in love with him, but pasting pictures of herself on facebook with other guys?  This is not how people who are in love treat each other.  He's a controlling jerk and I think she already broke up with him.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Looking for some advice about a friend's relationship.. (long read)

    Agree it was a long post! But why are you letting yourself getting involved? There is nothing YOU can do to better their relationship. Your best help for your best friend will be to stay out of it. He needs to wake up to the fact, that this girl is finding other pastures. He sounds too controlling to be the guy she is looking for. It is probably a relief for her to move away from this controlling boyfriend.
    I agree with Ash - this girl has already broken up wih your best friend and the sooner he realizes this, the better off he will be.
    Since this is your best friend, I believe you may be in the same age group as they. You are young, have a full life ahead of you. Don t live your life through these people - go and find a life for yourself. An I mean this sincerely. Not just "get a life".
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from bradysbgstfan. Show bradysbgstfan's posts

    Re: Looking for some advice about a friend's relationship.. (long read)

    That's the thing, I'm so depressed with my own personal life, I sort of enjoy this drama and it makes me feel like a better person if I'm playing mediator between the two of them while all this is going on. I know it's not the best thing to do, but I guess I enjoy being there for both of them, whether I'm able to help or not.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Looking for some advice about a friend's relationship.. (long read)

    Please Brady, you are not doing either of your friends a favor, by being a mediator and enhancing your own life due to their misery. Get out of there - the sooner the better, for their sake as well as for yours. Their romance has ended. If they should ever get back together again - that will be their choice and not your meddling. Do them a favor and leave them alone.



    In Response to Re: Looking for some advice about a friend's relationship.. (long read):
    [QUOTE]That's the thing, I'm so depressed with my own personal life, I sort of enjoy this drama and it makes me feel like a better person if I'm playing mediator between the two of them while all this is going on. I know it's not the best thing to do, but I guess I enjoy being there for both of them, whether I'm able to help or not.
    Posted by bradysbgstfan[/QUOTE]
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Looking for some advice about a friend's relationship.. (long read)

    Being bored or upset with your own life and passively living through other people's drama will bring you attention.  But, like a child acting out for attention, it will never end well for you. 

    You are too old to be playing games like that; it's passive aggressive.  Nothing good comes of that.

    Participate in your friends' lives in a healthy, non-intrusive way.  If you are unsure of how to do this, talk to an older family member you respect and trust, older sibling, pastor, teacher/professor, etc.  There must be someone not involved in this that you can talk to about being friends in a mutually respectful and healthy way.  Maybe that means cooling off your friendships with these two people altogether for now.

    Whatever you do, let this storm pass without getting one drop on you.  The bit of enjoyment you get out of participating will pale in comparison to the mess you'll be in the middle of...and wish you stayed out of.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: Looking for some advice about a friend's relationship.. (long read)

    In Response to Re: Looking for some advice about a friend's relationship.. (long read):
    [QUOTE]Being bored or upset with your own life and passively living through other people's drama will bring you attention.  But, like a child acting out for attention, it will never end well for you.  You are too old to be playing games like that; it's passive aggressive.  Nothing good comes of that. Participate in your friends' lives in a healthy, non-intrusive way. ...
     
    Whatever you do, let this storm pass without getting one drop on you.  The bit of enjoyment you get out of participating will pale in comparison to the mess you'll be in the middle of...and wish you stayed out of.

    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

         kargiver - pearls of wisdom which apply to more situations than this one.     Most boyfriend-girlfriend situations are better lived without the extra drama of involving other people.
         Intermediaries,  spies sent into the other camp to check things out and report back, 3rd parties checking things out on their own and passing on their own interpretation of events -  they all  get a vicarious thrill from being part of the drama.  Never does this make things easier in the long run.
         Without an intermediary,  without   this brady being willing to participate,   and without girlfriend  using Facebook to put ambiguous information "out there",
    the boyfriend and girlfriend would/should have directly talked over  their relationship  by now.
         She needs to say it is over, or else she that has been trying to make him jealous to keep him interested from afar.
         They need to be willing to have a trusting relationship, or Quit. 
          Deciding how they feel themselves, and what to say to the other person about plans for the future,  requires honest, direct communication.
         Either way, best left to the couple themselves to communicate with everyone butting out.

         When people deal with each other directly, face to face, voice to voice, they learn as much from the other person's eye contact, manner, and the emotional tells in their demeanor  as they do from the words spoken.  Intermediary people, social network postings all interfere with this direct communication.
         Two hours away is not far.  If the couple really have feelings for one another, they can meet, or exchange honest letters, and settle things either way.
          So called friends do them no favor getting involved.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Looking for some advice about a friend's relationship.. (long read)

    Yes, whatawag, another good point.  Meddling cheats people out of direct communication between the parties directly involved, the benefits of which you covered nicely.  Another good reason to leave them be.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from easydoesit2. Show easydoesit2's posts

    Re: Looking for some advice about a friend's relationship.. (long read)

    Hey, Brady, this old guys advice is that you should put a lot of distance between this situation and yourself. When it first happened, you did your part as a good friend, but now things are beyond your role.  At best, there's a lot of somewhat immature drama going down between them that shouldn't be creating angst in your life.  At worst, your friend is bordering on abusive and "staulkerish" behavior.
    "Super jealous" guys who make swearing, accusing, 1 A.M. phone calls that leave a woman "really scared" are looking for trouble, BIG trouble, with the law. Don't just walk away, RUN!
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from pollux. Show pollux's posts

    Re: Looking for some advice about a friend's relationship.. (long read)

    I remember what it was like to be 18/19 and in a relationship.  It was always so dramatic and your friends are no different.  But life is typically not all that dramatic in reality and making it so is just wasted energy.  Your friend's relationship will not last.  Few do at that age and he is pretty much guaranteeing that it will not with his behavior.  Your role in this is to be his friend.  That includes listening to him but also telling him you will not be involved in inappropriate behavior and also telling him when his behavior is inappropriate.  You don't have to sit him down to lecture him but you can (and should) tell him it's not cool to call up anyone at 1 am and yell at them nor is it cool to call her names.  Just shut him down when he does it in front of you.  Trust me, it's a lesson he needs to learn so you're doing him a favor. 

    And don't feel bad about your own life.  Being 18 is a real pain in the a**.  Don't dwell on it, just get out there and do things and read things and meet people.  It will pay off later.
     

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