makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    Dear Prudence,
    When I was a freshman in college, I had a tight group of friends. Two of them got together and married last summer. We three were close in college but less so since we graduated. I found out from mutual friends that the groom recently committed suicide. Since people in the group hadn't heard from his wife, I was put in charge of contacting her. She said there was nothing to talk about and asked me not to visit. I then contacted her brother, who had been close to them, and this was the first he'd heard of her husband's death. She apparently had a closed funeral and told no one, because she said that is how he had wanted it, even though he had many friends and was always outgoing and happy. His college friends are distraught and don't know what to believe, especially since there is no record of this in any of the area newspapers. Also fishy is a rumor that he got one of his female friends pregnant. I checked—she is pregnant and says he's the father. His parents live overseas, and his wife never got along with them; as far as we know, no one has contacted them. How can his friends be sure he died, so we can come to terms with everything? I have a crazy idea that maybe she found out about the other girl and killed him in a fit of rage. What is the polite way to make sure our dear friend is resting peacefully and not locked away somewhere?

    —Mediating Mourning

    Dear Mourning,
    I admit I don't often get questions about the manners and morals of possible murder. But if the facts are as you've described, then, yes, I can see why you're alarmed at the idea that your friend, who was young and seemingly happy (if not, perhaps, happily married, viz., the pregnant girlfriend), suddenly killed himself. Also bizarre is the conduct of his wife. Her behavior is so inexplicable that you would think anyone who had watched even a few episodes of CSI or SVU would know to act more like a grieving widow. You and your friends should take what steps you can to establish whether your friend is actually dead or at least whether his death was noted by official channels. First, contact the local coroner or medical examiner and see if they have any record of your friend's body. There are also genealogy sites that track deaths reported to the Social Security Administration, although they may take a while to update. Type "social security death index" into your search engine, and check the sites that pop up to see if your friend is listed. If all this turns up nothing, then you can go to the police jurisdiction where he was living at the time of his "death." Do not make accusations against the wife. Just report the fact that he is missing, that you are unable to confirm his death, and that he did not seem depressed or suicidal. It would also be reasonable to contact his parents to express your condolences. Perhaps they can confirm this tragic turn of events—but if they can't, then they have the standing to push for answers to his disappearance with the authorities and to hire a private investigator to try to dig up the truth.

     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    I can't believe Prudie fed the delusion!!! Why wouldn't she say "People deal with grief differently. You're not a close friend anymore, butt out."
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    Had to post because I don't believe I have ever seen an advice columnest asked how one would determine whether one's good friend had been murdered!!

    Incredible.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    wow, nothing like losing touch with friends and then jumping to the conclusion that one killed the other. what's wrong with people??
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from Txgrl82. Show Txgrl82's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    I wonder if the guy took off to the parents'...
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    yes, of course they do Missy. But most people know that when a spouse/SO/BF/Gf dies, the first suspect is their spouse/SO/BF/GF and usually are questioned and investigated by the police.

    If I found out a former friend of mine died and I called their spouse (also my former friend) and they said "I don't want to talk about it. No, you shouldn't come visit." I would leave it at that. I wouldn't call everyone they knew to conduct my own personal investigation.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from celis96. Show celis96's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    But the wife's brother didn't even know he was dead. That does seem a bit strange.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    but would you call everyone and their brother (literally) to get all the gory details, then go so far as to confirm a pregnancy? I just don't see the rationale.

    [Quote]I don't think the friend is way off her rocker. It would sound suspicious to me too.

    Does that make me delusional? I hope not LOL!!![/Quote]
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    lol, some of the letters Prudie gets (I've been following her for a couple years now) I could only hope that's the case. I hope none of our lives ever get this interesting. It makes me want to have the most boring life ever.

    [Quote]Part of me thinks she wrote in just to be published.[/Quote]
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    If you found out your friend's husband died would call her and ask "Can you confirm this?"
    Or would you take her word for it?

    [Quote]

    Problem is, no one can confirm he died.[/Quote]
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    Part of me thinks she wrote in just to be published.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from octbride09. Show octbride09's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    Wow. Tragic.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2007BrideToBe. Show 2007BrideToBe's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    [Quote]This story is truly very odd. What I find most strange is that the guy's own brother was not aware of his brother's death. If he indeed is missing, I would assume the brother now contacted the parents overseas and that he and they have taken charge. Everyone else should step back. No need to do any personal investigation.
    The intire thing could be a scam. What comes to my mind is the pilot that about a month ago faked a crash and was later found well and alive in Florida.
    Sometimes people do strange things - usually when money is involved.[/Quote]

    Pingo:

    It was the wife's brother that was called......
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    I just think this letter writer sounds like a busy body.
    Her friend says she doesn't want to talk about or have visitors (can you blame her?) So LW calls her brother, and all her friends to spread the word and get the gossip. After hearing that he might have knocked up a woman, she calls her to confirm (who does that??).
    He might have wanted a closed funeral. He might have been bipolar, manics are described as happy, fun and out-going, and impulsive (having an affair). When experiencing a depressive low, this impulsiveness can lead to suicide, often with no warning signs.
    I'm not a therapist or a doctor, I don't assume I know what's going on, but I don't think the LW should be making such a brash assumption about people she is not close with anymore.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from greenclown. Show greenclown's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    I think if I were in this situation, I'd be contacting the police, not Prudie.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from Missy509. Show Missy509's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    Strange things happen every day. Perfectly sane people go crazy. People you thought you knew turned out to be very different than you knew. It is sad. Who knows what happened, but if i was the friend, I would look into it to verify the story.

    Pink - I think the rationale here is that if the friend went off her rocker and did something wrong, then loved ones have a right to justice.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from SilverFestiva. Show SilverFestiva's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    [Quote]If you found out your friend's husband died would call her and ask "Can you confirm this?"
    Or would you take her word for it?

    [/Quote]

    Well, yes and no. I would try to confirm with SOMEONE before announcing it to anyone who needs to know. Rumors do get started and that is a terrible rumor to spread.

    That said, this is really effed up and tragic...I hope that if he has in fact died that he and his family can find peace soon. And get rid of this crazy woman.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    This story is truly very odd. What I find most strange is that the guy's own brother was not aware of his brother's death. If he indeed is missing, I would assume the brother now contacted the parents overseas and that he and they have taken charge. Everyone else should step back. No need to do any personal investigation.
    The intire thing could be a scam. What comes to my mind is the pilot that about a month ago faked a crash and was later found well and alive in Florida.
    Sometimes people do strange things - usually when money is involved.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from Missy509. Show Missy509's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    [Quote]yes, of course they do Missy. But most people know that when a spouse/SO/BF/Gf dies, the first suspect is their spouse/SO/BF/GF and usually are questioned and investigated by the police.

    [/Quote]

    Problem is, no one can confirm he died.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from katie1980. Show katie1980's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    odd....
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    To answer Pinkie's question about calling the brother (I actually thought it was the dead husband's brother, but no matter), actually yes, I would have, not to make sure the husband was dead, but to make sure the wife was alright. I probably would have checked for an obituary, to see if there was any place to make a donation. The lack of information about an obituary and the fact that she did not tell OWN BROTHER about her husband's death would indeed have set me off on a little exploration of my own.

    I don't think this lady is that off base. Though it does sound a little like a movie plot.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    Just wondering, does anyone know the end of this story? Are there a place where we could confirm the happenings? Not investigating - just knowing the truth?
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    The whole thing makes my spidey sense tingle. I don't like it.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from Missy509. Show Missy509's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    [Quote]If you found out your friend's husband died would call her and ask "Can you confirm this?"
    Or would you take her word for it?

    [/Quote]

    If i found out my friend's hussband died, who was also a friend of mine, and I was never notified, never given any details, and found out the family of the husband didnt know, then yes, I would look for answers. Hopefully I would find out it was a true story, but unfortunately in todays world, we all hear too often stories about perfectly "normal" families suffering a horrific tragedy because someone went off the deep end.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    makes you worry a bit less about money and colors

    Oh, I am sorry I misread that. I still think it could be a scam.

    [Quote]

    Pingo:

    It was the wife's brother that was called......[/Quote]
     

Share