Older man/Younger woman

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from roboli. Show roboli's posts

    Older man/Younger woman

    Okay so here goes:

    I am an older man that was involved with a younger woman (15 years my junior)
    I am 35 and she is now 21 and we were with each other obver 2.5 years.  Yes I know robbing the craddle..etc... act is I don't think I would ever date anyone in that age range but her.  She had an "old soul".  She lived with me the entire time we were together.  I have 2 children and she treated them as her own.  We were really best friends in every way.  More so than anyone I had ever met.  It helped that she was very intelligent, had good morals, wasn't much of a partier and liked to do all the same things that I did.  And I should say I am much younger at heart than most guys my age. My family also loved her.  I have a sibling that was the same exact age difference that we are and her marriage was successful for over 30 years (husband passed suddenly).  We broke up due to a lie that she told me.  Basically I think the party girl started to come out a bit and she stayed somewhere whe shouldn't have and I had a real problem with that because at my age I have more respect for my mate than to do something like that without informing the person that I am with where i will be staying. 

    The problem is this, we have been apart for nearly 3 months and I cannot get her out of my head.  We have only seen each other occasionally but we text nearly every day all day.  She does not want to come back because sshe is hurt that I kicked her out yet she does not want to let go entirely because she is confused.  She had to deal with me going through a divorce which was hard for her and took it's toll.  I know for a fact that I love this girl with all my heart but not sure if trying to resolve our differences is the best idea since she is so young and probably needs to live her life and have other experiences that she probably won't have with me.

    On the other hand I have left her with really no place to go but a friends house and she is living in less than desirebale conditions which makes me feel terrible everyday.

    I don't know if the best thing to do for her is to let her go and live her life or try and resolve things with her and just try and be happy because we do love each other so much.


     
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from lukes58. Show lukes58's posts

    Re: Older man/Younger woman

    let her go -- she is way too young for you -- she was basically a child when you began your relationship --
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Older man/Younger woman

    If another side to her is coming out, let it.  It can't stay hidden forever.  It sounds like, regardless of the age difference, that you two weren't as much soul-mates as she wanted it to seem.  I'm not saying she acted on purpose; sometimes we try to like someone more than we should.  The veneer always cracks, though.  It's usually something we try when we are younger - about her age.  Pretending to be something we're not with the best of intentions of dating a great guy.  It takes having it fall apart to learn in our 30s that that isn't the way to go about defining a lasting relationship.

    P.S.  As for the current conditions of your feeling guilty and missing her and her being with a friend on the couch, well, those things will pass.  It's only been a short time, and having been through a divorce for a similar problem (of my spouse pretending to be something he wasn't because he knew that's what I was looking for) I know you'll move on and love again.  I didn't think I would, but here I am happily remarried.  And, she's 21 - does it have to be said that she can stay with a friend for awhile in less than ideal conditions and have years to recover?  It won't take years.  She'll land on her feet. 

    Hopefully, you both learned a lot by being together and will hold no ill-will toward each other.  Appreciate the time you had together for what it really was.  A great learning experience.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from trublusu. Show trublusu's posts

    Re: Older man/Younger woman

    I agree with Lukes, she is way to young for you, let her go out and have some young fun and find someone closer to your own age.

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from 7x4. Show 7x4's posts

    Re: Older man/Younger woman

    Lolita.

    Hit it a few more times then kick to curb.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Older man/Younger woman

    "Old soul" notwithstanding, she is WAY too young for you. There is nothing wrong w/ a 15 year age gap, per se, but there is when one of the parties to the relationship is under the age of 25.  Help her find more suitable living arrangements, but move on to someone more age appropriate.  She has a lot of growing up to do.  She should be having fun at her age [which is what I guess you mean by 'the party girl coming out'].  That's normal for her age. Not so normal for a 35 yo man w/ 2 kids.  There are plenty of women your own age - look into it.  Good luck.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Older man/Younger woman

    I'm guessing that all the advice regarding age will be totally dismissed by this poster because of all the preemptive defensiveness he put into his OP.

    However, despite my agreeing with the age problem if one party is under 25, the fact is that the immediate problem is the veneer of being an "old soul" is starting to crack.  Whenever anyone acts a certain way to make someone think they are right for them it always ends badly.

    If you let it end now you'll save yourself and her a lot greater heartache later.

    And, yes, explore what need you think you have being filled by dating women too young for you and deal with that before you start dating again.  Hopefully, you'll work it out emotionally and seek someone closer to your age and actual, not imagined, maturity level.  Consider getting counseling if you can. It can be dramatically helpful to talk these things out with a professional who can draw out what your real driving forces might be - they are oftentimes unbeknownst to us and can ruin our lives without our even realizing it.  I was sure to get counseling before I dated again after a divorce; I didn't want to repeat the same mistake over and over, and I didn't.  But, it took work to avoid those pitfalls.

    Good luck!
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Older man/Younger woman

    Please listen to kar! She is right, again!!!!
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Older man/Younger woman

    [QUOTE]Please listen to kar! She is right, again!!!!
    Posted by pingo[/QUOTE]

    Pingo, you make me blush.  :)  I just hope my pain and "learning experiences" end up helping others...
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from TarheelChief. Show TarheelChief's posts

    Re: Older man/Younger woman

    [QUOTE]Okay so here goes: I am an older man that was involved with a younger woman (15 years my junior) I am 35 and she is now 21 and we were with each other obver 2.5 years.  Yes I know robbing the craddle..etc... act is I don't think I would ever date anyone in that age range but her.  She had an "old soul".  She lived with me the entire time we were together.  I have 2 children and she treated them as her own.  We were really best friends in every way.  More so than anyone I had ever met.  It helped that she was very intelligent, had good morals, wasn't much of a partier and liked to do all the same things that I did.  And I should say I am much younger at heart than most guys my age. My family also loved her.  I have a sibling that was the same exact age difference that we are and her marriage was successful for over 30 years (husband passed suddenly).  We broke up due to a lie that she told me.  Basically I think the party girl started to come out a bit and she stayed somewhere whe shouldn't have and I had a real problem with that because at my age I have more respect for my mate than to do something like that without informing the person that I am with where i will be staying.  The problem is this, we have been apart for nearly 3 months and I cannot get her out of my head.  We have only seen each other occasionally but we text nearly every day all day.  She does not want to come back because sshe is hurt that I kicked her out yet she does not want to let go entirely because she is confused.  She had to deal with me going through a divorce which was hard for her and took it's toll.  I know for a fact that I love this girl with all my heart but not sure if trying to resolve our differences is the best idea since she is so young and probably needs to live her life and have other experiences that she probably won't have with me. On the other hand I have left her with really no place to go but a friends house and she is living in less than desirebale conditions which makes me feel terrible everyday. I don't know if the best thing to do for her is to let her go and live her life or try and resolve things with her and just try and be happy because we do love each other so much.  
    Posted by roboli[/QUOTE]
    When I was in Ireland back in the 1960's I found the Irish women did not want to marry the available men who were in their 40's. I couldn't believe what I heard.It seemed unfair to the young women of Ireland.But then I realized the young women of Ireland and young men of Ireland faced the same terrible grinding poverty. The older men had established themselves and had the funds to provide for their children.It is true the women remained widows for decades longer than the US women.I have not examined the divorce statistics for this period,but I can say this,the leading cause of divorce is money.In today's Ireland the younger men and women have more money and even some Irish overseas were moving back home.
    This drastic shift has been halted recently,but Americans should recognize the importance of wealth in the selection of suitable mates.The baby boom was caused in large part because many men and women waited until after WW II to have children.The terrible Depression delayed marriage.The same is true for many men and women. Economic security is very important.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Older man/Younger woman

    So the Irish women have economic security when they are young if they marry old men, but get to live in poverty as widows for decades after their husband dies.  Sounds good.  What you fail to take into account is that the economic  base in the 1960s in Ireland and now is totally different.  The women would do better to either emigrate or else stay, remain single and support themselves.  Same goes for this country. 

    Besides, now men and women have the same earning power [relatively speaking] as long as they have the same educational opportunities.  Marrying for economic security can be something done by both genders now. 
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Older man/Younger woman

    One more thing. You said that she had no place to go after you two separated, and was living in miserable conditions. That put up a big flag for me. Was she just staying w/ you for conveniences? B/c she had a roof over her head? That does really not sound very kosher to me. The age difference should not really matter, but when you got to know her, she was only a baby. Maybe she grew up in the two years you were together. Things changes in those years. Please let her go. If it is to be, she will come back to you. I am sure.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Older man/Younger woman

    [QUOTE]So the Irish women have economic security when they are young if they marry old men, but get to live in poverty as widows for decades after their husband dies.  Sounds good.  What you fail to take into account is that the economic  base in the 1960s in Ireland and now is totally different.  The women would do better to either emigrate or else stay, remain single and support themselves.  Same goes for this country.  Besides, now men and women have the same earning power [relatively speaking] as long as they have the same educational opportunities.  Marrying for economic security can be something done by both genders now. 
    Posted by ALF72[/QUOTE]

    ALF, why do you give tarheel the satisfaction of a response every time?  Maybe I'm mistaken, but I think he puts just enough realism in there to snag us.

    pingo, good point - she may have been pretending to get away from her current life situation.  Whatever the reason, she was pretending, and now the truth is coming out.  I hope the OP has moved on.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Older man/Younger woman

    lol.  Good point, kar.  Sometimes, when I see a flaw of logic, I feel compelled to respond, even if it's tarheel. 

    Something else the OP needs to consider is why he thinks it's okay to bring a woman into his household when he has 2 young children.  Unless you have been together for a while [w/ her living elsewhere while the relationship solidified], she should not be living w/ your kids unless and until you know she is going to be a permanent part of their lives.  Having them get attached to this woman and then having her leave is not good for them.  Think long and hard before you let her back into your house or let another woman in.  It's not fair to your kids. 
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Older man/Younger woman

    Mm, ALF, the OP has so much to consider I didnt' even try listing everything, but that's a good point, too.  I took the easy way out and told him to get counseling.  He would be wise to have someone qualified and in-person to draw out all these issues.  So many issues.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Older man/Younger woman

    ...and I understand wanting to correct flawed logic, LOL. I just don't like to reward his bad behavior here.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from bolter. Show bolter's posts

    Re: Older man/Younger woman

    [QUOTE]Mm, ALF, the OP has so much to consider I didnt' even try listing everything, but that's a good point, too.  I took the easy way out and told him to get counseling.  He would be wise to have someone qualified and in-person to draw out all these issues.  So many issues.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    tellin someone their crazy and "get counceling" is always the ez way out
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Older man/Younger woman

    [QUOTE]tellin someone their crazy and "get counceling" is always the ez way out
    Posted by bolter[/QUOTE]

    My posts were thoughtful, informative, and based on my own tragic experience.  And, it was aimed at dealing with the number one issue, IMO, her veneer, not her age.  Beyond that, I'm not qualified to comment because I don't know the parties personally involved.  Offering the advice was not really the easy way out, it was humane advice added on to the original and verbose portion of my thoughts on the OP's problem.  I certainly didn't dismiss his story and just say "go get help."  I'm disturbed to think you gathered that after I chose to admit my 9 year failed marriage and divorce for a similar issue.  The details of his problem, though, the ins and outs of what drives his mating decisions, should be dealt with by a professional who can spend the time necessary to extract what is really going on behind his emotional scenes.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from 7x4. Show 7x4's posts

    Re: Older man/Younger woman

    How does it feel? to be on your own? No direction home? A complete unknown? Like a rolling stone.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from TarheelChief. Show TarheelChief's posts

    Re: Older man/Younger woman

    After the Lee Marvin Decision lawyers,legislators, and judges were placed in a quandary.
    They invented the pre-nup to solve the major problem which is and always will be distribution of power or wealth in the will.This involves insurance,the previous children,and the siblings or parents. It's a mess for everyone,especially if the participants are in debt and need the money.
    It is the same for women and men.
    I do not see any problem with being older. The woman can have a second life as a Merry Widow on your money.Famous men have gotten far ahead by marrying the widow. George Washington is our most famous man.He even has a city named after him.
    Many women have chosen their younger men because they had talents not found in their own stodgy generation. Catherine the Great found some pretty good generals and like Elizabeth I managed to avoid pregnancy,eliminating the main cause of concern for the citizenry.
     
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