Overly Paranoid

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from lukes58. Show lukes58's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    Blue, did you get laid off?  we had 42 staff members laid off her in December.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from BigWillie2. Show BigWillie2's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    In Response to Re: Overly Paranoid:
    [QUOTE]fazzio, call me.
    Posted by calmdown[/QUOTE]

    Does this mean you're finished gorging yourself on lobster tail with tru?  I miss her and want to treat her to Dog-on-a-Stick at this nice Cambodian stand near my new love shack in Lowell.  I'm almost not married.

     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from bolter. Show bolter's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    In Response to Re: Overly Paranoid:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Overly Paranoid : Does this mean you're finished gorging yourself on lobster tail with tru?  I miss her and want to treat her to Dog-on-a-Stick at this nice Cambodian stand near my new love shack in Lowell.  I'm almost not married.
    Posted by BigWillie2[/QUOTE]

    you guys shold tag team her, it would almost be like she was with one normal guy
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from BigWillie2. Show BigWillie2's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    Well I'm game.

    And by that I mean I didn't shower this morning.  I understand chicks dig the funk.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from bolter. Show bolter's posts

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    In Response to Re: Overly Paranoid:
    [QUOTE]Well I'm game. And by that I mean I didn't shower this morning.  I understand chicks dig the funk.
    Posted by BigWillie2[/QUOTE]

    if there like fazzo they like to get teated bad too. so bang her sister and msah her car but buy her and ice cream cake after. try smacking tru a good one on hte ear and post here how it turnes out
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from Fazzio. Show Fazzio's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    As far as I'm concerned he doesn't do phone sex. It was online. Which still doesn't make it any better. I'm going to keep snooping. I can't bring any of those messages up to him now because they're gone from his phone and obviously he'll deny them ever being there, turn it on me and then it becomes my fault. So I'm going to keep snooping. I would have to break up with him near the end of the lease on our apartment because it would just be awkward to live here and I don't want to be paying 2 rents. If I find any more messages like that, I'm going to send them to myself and keep them as a reference and I'll be out of here. Gone forever. My friend mentioned something to me the other day and I think she hit it spot on. She told me it sounds like he has no self esteem (seeing as he's a big guy and not exactly the type girls drool over) and mixed with the fact he loves attention....it makes him feel good to flirt with these people and he gets recgonized and flattered. I know you don't know him personally, but it sounds a lot like something he would do.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    Isn't there someone you trust you could stay with for awhile?  I'm sure your friends and family do not want you with an emotionally abusive man for one more day.

    You do not need further evidence; you have all you need.

    Be kind to yourself; if you aren't no one else ever will be either.

    ~kar
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from tgihal. Show tgihal's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    I disagree with Blue, once a cheater (2 time cheater mind you) always a cheater.
    Lukes I love the picture of your puppy, and agree hygiene is huge.  I date married men, but not ones who don't shower
    Calm, keep up the good work, court jester

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    I fail to see the difference between phone sex and online sex.  Either way, he is communicating w/ a live person other than you who is giving him his jollies sexually.  Who cares exactly what kind of electronic device he uses to get his jollies.  It's the fact that he's having sex, virtual or otherwise, w/ someone other than you.  This is not online por n or dirty mags. That's a different animal.  I could care less if my husband enjoyed por n, but I'd be livid if he were sexually gratifying himself w/ the aid of another person on the computer or phone.

    I do not understand how you can justify continuing this relationship.  If you have to 'snoop', you obviously don't trust him. If you don't trust him, you can't have a healthy relationship.  If you are on the lease, kick his fat, unwashed behind out of the apartment. If you aren't on the lease, move out.  If you are both on the lease, you should still move out. Talk to the landlord and to your stinky bf.  Maybe you can get out of the lease. Honestly, I'd be less concerned about the money than I would be about staying w/ a smelly cheater. 
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    I think we don't understand because we don't have all the information.  She obviously has absolutely no self esteem whatsoever.  Seems to me she might just be living what she's learned for a long time and doesn't know any better than to stay and make excuses.  Maybe she watched her mother do this, and she is patterning her relationship behavior.  Maybe she was abused as a child.  Maybe Dad ran off when she was little.  Regardless of the cause, however, she doesn't seem to know that not only are there much better men out there but that she deserves to be free to find one.  We all deserve to live fear and undeserved guilt free in our relationships.

    To the OP, whatever you've watched and learned so far isn't serving you very well.  Break the cycle, and set your sights higher.


     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from Fazzio. Show Fazzio's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    I don't have any family in Mass. I moved here for college. My closest realitives are 6 hours away. And my friends are his friends. Since I met him my freshmen year of college, I fell into his group of friends. So my close friends were actually his first. Plus they're older and either married or living with their boyfriends/girlfriends so I'd feel a little awkward staying with them anyway. Even though I consider them good, close friends, they will always side with him. I have 3 friends not connected to him. Two live at home with their parents and would never in a million years let me stay with them for any extended amount of time and the other is traveling around the world for the summer. So I guess you could argue if I broke up with him, I'd lose all my close friends. That's a big downer. And I'd literally have no place to go. I have a full time job up here (I'm still in school so it's not like I'm raking in the cash). If I decided to go back home I'd have to quit my job and either transfer schools or quit my job and have to go find an apartment when school starts. So I'm kinda screwed either way.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    I understand it feels hopeless to you, I do.  But, it really isn't.  Friends are hardly ever "forever" anyway, even ones who really do have your best interests at heart (which these don't).  If you lose these friends who side with your emotional abuser it's not a big loss. 

    You know, something I've learned through a lot of heartache of my own is that whenever we are in a mess it feels like it will be that way forever.  We'll never be happy ever again.  But, the fact is, that words like "forever" and "never" are not real when it comes to our human experience.  It's human nature to feel that way, but it's just not true.

    If you break up with him and lose the "friends" you have, you'll find a new place to live and make new friends.  I know your family is far away, but do you have a good relationship with an older family member you trust and can talk to easily?  Give that person a ring and pour it all out.  Tell them you are in an emotionally abusive/controlling relationship (from your accounts), your friends are really his friends, and you feel stuck because you moved in with him and if you break up you'll have "no place to go."

    There is a solution that allows you to get out of that relationship.  And, like I said, how things are at any given point in our lives will not be how they are soon thereafter...no matter how bad it seems or how "forever" it seems it will be.

    Will you trust me and give that older person you trust a call?  I think you are 100% in agreement that you are in the wrong relationship with the wrong friends.  What you need is advice specific to your situation to remedy it.  I can't give you those specifics only because I can't know enough to do so.

    You can move through this.  We ALL make bad decisions and get in situations that are out of control and bad for us.  How we deal with those situations, though, makes the difference between a happy or a miserable life.  If you lay down and give up your happy life just because you made some bad decisions and don't know how to change it, that would be tragic, don't you think?  Everything is correctable.  The person you call will be glad you did.  Those who love you will want you to reach out for help.  We've all leaned on family before; it's what God gave us families for.  Let them know what's happening. 

    If you do not have anyone in your family you trust loves you and wants the best for you, first of all I'm sorry to know that.  Secondly, and more importantly, seek an authority figure you trust out at school or your college chaplain.  Talk to someone who can work out a solution for you that is healthy and will allow you to break free from the ramifications of your mistakes. 

    Learn from your mistakes, don't live in regret and be damaged by them.

    ~kar

    P.S.  Friends are not just people you hang out with and do stuff with - those are aquaintances

    Friends have your back.  They love you when you are behaving unlovably.  They trust you with their secrets...you trust them with yours.  They can sit quietly over tea with you and be content being quiet, and you can, too.  Friends put your needs above their own.  They encourage, praise, hug, and cry with you. 
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    You are 21. You are too young to settle.  So what if you share a group of friends?  That's normal and how most of the world rolls. If they side w/ him, then they weren't your friends to begin with.

    As far as housing:  You say you have a full time job.  That means you have an income.  You can pay for your own housing. You also say that school is  starting in the fall.  Well, look into on campus housing.  They have it for both under grads and  grad students.  Also, use the bathroom at your college.  All of them have flyers in the bathrooms about people looking for roommates.  Bingo: a new place to live and a new person to become friends with all in one place.  I find it hard to belive that you can't make new friends, esp if you are still in school.  Join a club, organization or volunteer. What about work friends?  You aren't 'screwed' b/c you share a place w/ this guy and b/c you share friends.  You may be inconvenienced in having to move out, and a little lonely for a while b/c you may find out that your 'friends' are not really your friends, but his friends, but you aren't screwed.  Grow a spine and move out.  Many people have shared friends and living quarters before and have broken up.  They lived, found a new place to live, new friends and better quality lovers. You will too.  

    You can come up with a million excuses as to why you shouldn't leave. However, the one fact - that you don't trust your bf- if the only reason you need to leave him.  Clearly, you know something is wrong.  Otherwise, you would not have posted on the Internet looking for people to validate your relationship.  Leave the guy. He's so not worth it. 
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    ALF is spot on.

    Rent The Breakup with Jennifer Aniston.  It's a very realistic portrayal of this situation except they are a bit older and own a condo together.  I think you'll find the ending very encouraging.  It's not a sappy one, it's a real one that illustrates that no matter how bad things seem during a breakup, life really does go on and is happy for it.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    In Response to Re: Overly Paranoid:
    [QUOTE]who gives a hell what he'll do in the future (I don't believe it's a given that once cheater always cheater - he just didn't give a cucky about current girl, doesn't mean he won't count his lucky stars w/ the next one.) anyway, who gives a hell what he'll do in the future?  what he's doing now to orig. poster is kinda yucky and kinda yucky she's puttin up with it
    Posted by BlueOnTheDole[/QUOTE]

    I agree.  People - men and women - cheat because they're unhappy, or there's something wrong with the relationship.  The fact that someone cheats in one relationship doesn't mean he is forever incapable of committment.

    With that said - who cares if he's cheating?  It sounds like no one is happy in this relationship.  Cheating isn't the only reason to break up with someone.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

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    In Response to Re: Overly Paranoid:
    [QUOTE] Two live at home with their parents and would never in a million years let me stay with them for any extended amount of time and the other is traveling around the world for the summer. So I guess you could argue if I broke up with him, I'd lose all my close friends. That's a big downer. And I'd literally have no place to go. I have a full time job up here (I'm still in school so it's not like I'm raking in the cash). If I decided to go back home I'd have to quit my job and either transfer schools or quit my job and have to go find an apartment when school starts. So I'm kinda screwed either way.
    Posted by Fazzio[/QUOTE]

    I understand that it's hard to start over, but none of these is a good reason to stay with your boyfriend under the circumstances.  Go on Craigslist and find someone with a spare room for rent.  Move out, and tell him that he can either break the lease or pay the full rent.  Any inconvenience now is worth it in the long run.  Finding a new place to live while in school is much cheaper, easier, and less painful than a divorce down the road.

     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from Fazzio. Show Fazzio's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    Even with a full time job, I don't make enough to support myself. I'm a college kid...I make 10 bucks an hour. And my company stinks so much they pay me when they feel like it. As a contractor it's supposed to be every 45 days and I don't even get that. Not to get on a new subject but yes I am trying to look for a new job or at least another part time job and yes I've complained about this several times but they don't give a sh*t. We're an offsight office so I can't even go anywhere to complain to someone. It has to be through email and they don't give a sh*t. My college also only allows freshmen and sophomores to stay on campus because of limited room.

    I do have one friend I feel close to that I can talk to. She lives in NY. She's been helping me out a lot with this and says the same thing...she'd rather see me with someone else. As far as family memebrs go the only person I feel comfortable talking to is my mom...but she's the type who won't give advice and will just say "it'll be ok. Just keep checking his clothes for perfume and his phone for messages." She usually just repeats what I say. Making friends has been hard for me. For some reason I don't click with people my own age. I've always dated older men and had older friends....at least 5 years older. Since I work non stop I don't really have the time to join clubs or anything. The people I work with...well I hate the current people because they keep screwing up my paycheck, they're lazy and don't give a sh*t, and they still see me as below them because I'm in college. Plus a majority of the people I work with are in their mid 30's so they have families and other things to worry about.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    I guessed you learned this from your parents.  We usually live what we learn at home, for better or worse.  I'm sorry to hear you cannot get what you need from family.

    Please seek out counsel from your college chaplain, counselor, or trusted professor.

    You've got to get out of your situation, do what you have to do.  We all understand it's hard, but if you don't take the tough steps to change this now, you can't IMAGINE how bad your life will be in a year or two.  This will look like a walk in the park.  The longer it goes, the worse it will be and, ironically, the harder it will be to extract yourself emotionally and physically.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    Well, Fazzio, then plan on having a sucky life.  If you aren't going to take charge of your life, then this is how it's going to be on an ongoing basis.  You are finding every excuse in the book not to do something about it.  You can take out additional loans for housing.  It's not ideal, but it's a viable option. There are also cheaper options for housing out there.  If your college kicks off juniors and seniors, then there is a dept that helps them find housing.  Go there and talk to someone.  You might be surprised at what they come up with.  What about being a resident assistant for the freshmen and sophomores?  I guarantee that your college has them, even if they don't have traditional housing for juniors and seniors. If all else fails, learn how to bartend. They make tons of money and your work schedule won't compete w/ your school schedule.

    Besides, he doesn't sound like he's  going to stick around for long, anyway.  What if he decides to leave? Then what are you going to do? You'd better figure it out b/c it doesn't take a genius to see that's the handwriting on the wall.

    Also, contact the Attorney General's office.  They will make sure that your employer pays you as it is required to under law. There is an entire dept that handles this.  Call the AG's office and they will connect you to the right office. 
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    IMO you place way too much importance on this relationship.
    Mistake #1 you have no friends of your own
    Mistake #2 you moved in too soon
    You rely on this guy fro your happiness 100%. Even if he was the best guy in the world, that's too much pressure on him.
    Did you start snooping because you had suspicions for a reason, or because you were so afraid that he might cheat and that you might lose him that you had to check up on him?

    I can't be sure if he's cheating on you. What I am sure of is that you are far too dependent on him and it's not healthy. It's not healthy for you place all of your happiness on one person whom you don't even trust, it's not healthy for him to have GF that checks up on him and expects him to be solely responsible for her happiness.
    You are codependent. You need professional help. You need to listen to your therapist when they say you can't be in a relationship until you work through your codependency issues. No relationship is healthy when one person is codependent, even if the other person is Mr. Wonderful.
    I've known plenty of people who shared a lease with their SO and who broke up and kept living together. It's awkward, it's no good, but it's only for a few months until your lease is up. Then you'll find a roommate. You learned the hard way that it's best not to move in with a SO unless you think they're happily ever after material.

    "Once a cheater always a cheater" is a crock of you know what. It's not the truth. I've cheated before, and I'd never do it again. Learned the hard way that it doesn't solve any problems or make you feel any better, just makes you feel worse.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    Pink and ALF so right.  I'll say, though, that I truly believe Pinkie is the far exception to the rule with the repeat cheating concept.  I totally believe she'll never cheat again because I know her to some extent, but that's not the norm that I know of at all.  That's why the saying exists.  There are ALWAYS exceptions to every rule, but don't bet on your guy being one of them.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from trublusu. Show trublusu's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    Once a cheater, not always a cheater, except for 99.9% of the time!
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from trublusu. Show trublusu's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    In Response to Re: Overly Paranoid:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Overly Paranoid : Does this mean you're finished gorging yourself on lobster tail with tru?  I miss her and want to treat her to Dog-on-a-Stick at this nice Cambodian stand near my new love shack in Lowell.  I'm almost not married.
    Posted by BigWillie2[/QUOTE]
    Hi Will - why did you move to Lowell? What is a dog on a stick? I haven't been on b.com, facebook, yahoo ect... in a while, I'm losing interest in this non-communication communication. What's been going on ?
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from lukes58. Show lukes58's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    i'd stay in the apartment till you find another place to live or another roommate but have no real relationship with the guy - sounds like he wouldn't care that much if your sexual relationship just sort of stopped -- i wouldn't really even discuss it with him -- i just sort of shut down when it came to him -- take care of yourself - i'd also get some counseling but with a professional not a religious type person
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Overly Paranoid

    In Response to Re: Overly Paranoid:
    [QUOTE]Pink and ALF so right.  I'll say, though, that I truly believe Pinkie is the far exception to the rule with the repeat cheating concept.  I totally believe she ' ll never cheat again because I know her to some extent, but that's not the norm that I know of at all.  That's why the saying exists.  There are ALWAYS exceptions to every rule, but don't bet on your guy being one of them.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    I really think it depends on the situation.  I think a lot of people cheat when they are young and immature, but would never consider doing so after meeting "the one."

    In today's version of dating, there often springs up a situation where one party (yes, usually the woman) thinks that she is in a relationship with a guy who thinks he's just fooling around and having fun with a number of women.  That guy doesn't think he's cheating, but the woman certainly does.  Does that mean that guy will cheat on every woman he dates in the future?  I doubt it.  What it really means is that people need to be more open and honest about their feelings and expectations before they start sleeping together.  (Is that relevant?  Probably not.)

    I do, of course, recognize that the saying exists for a reason, but I consider "once a cheater, always a cheater" to mean more "If he cheats ON YOU once, he'll do it again" than "a person who cheats in one relationship will cheat in every relationship forevermore."  And I do think that a person who has so little respect for you that he will cheat once will do it again 98% of the time.
     
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