Plasko's observation triggered a thought

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    Re: Plasko's observation triggered a thought

    In Response to Plasko's observation triggered a thought:
    [QUOTE]An anonymous message board DOES tend to elicit more than the average share of individuals who advise you to cut and run when you hit a bump in the road. What is your own personal relationship style?  How much will you tolerate before you say 'enough'. I'll start:  my relationship model was my parents.  They were together (unhappily) for 43 years.  When my mother's health declined, my Dad took care of her and it changed my perception of their relationship.  After she died, his grieving process included telling me about his regrets.  I won't lie - some of the decisions he made were terribly inconsiderate of her and it's shaken up my view of their relationship and of him.   I know that I'm more likely to stay than to go because that was my normal.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    I had a similar background as you here. My parents never showed any affection to each other and I didn't realize this was wrong until much later. When they split up, the regrets percoated from both. I never understood then why they didn't do that previously. I even asked. "It's complicated". It is?

    Now I admit I used to stay far longer than I should have previously (Mr. Fix-It). 
    In this version of me I can see a familiar situation and accept that it may not be right and will probably not be a long term thing. Also, I am of an age where most all I meet have had their own similar experiences so it is easler to relate. 






     
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    Re: Plasko's observation triggered a thought

    Personally, I firstly think the type of people who post on these boards are not your average type of people. Average people go out and live lives, not lurk in internet chatrooms and forum boards. So from the word "go" we have an abnormal subtype to respond to people's queries. I would imagine that they are typically lonely, have a lot of spare time, and have a feeling of being ignored or powerlessness. Thinking they are helping people by posting "advice" and finally being listened to gives them a lift in their day. 
    I do not exclude myself from this either (although boredom generally factors in for me too - That said, I would pretty much never post on the "fluff" boards such as the one that is named after every month, for example).
    However, their advice is generally biased. As I mentioned it is usually biased towards the "cut-and-run". Perhaps that reflects personal experience. We have a high proportion of divorcees and single people posting. Not sure about the proportion of people who are still with their first husband/wife, that never gets discussed. But there seems to be an underlying bitterness paramount in people's responses. It sometimes creeps me out. I do rush in to take the other side a lot of the time to act as a counterbalance to perceived skewed views. No doubt that makes me less-than-popular for not following the cliquey crowd-mentality. 
    But nevertheless we are dealing with real people, not soap-opera characters. 
    Our words have consequences. 
     

     
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    Re: Plasko's observation triggered a thought

    In Response to Plasko's observation triggered a thought:
    [QUOTE]An anonymous message board DOES tend to elicit more than the average share of individuals who advise you to cut and run when you hit a bump in the road. What is your own personal relationship style?  How much will you tolerate before you say 'enough'. I'll start:  my relationship model was my parents.  They were together (unhappily) for 43 years.  When my mother's health declined, my Dad took care of her and it changed my perception of their relationship.  After she died, his grieving process included telling me about his regrets.  I won't lie - some of the decisions he made were terribly inconsiderate of her and it's shaken up my view of their relationship and of him.   I know that I'm more likely to stay than to go because that was my normal.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    I'll put all the "sweat equity" into a relationship and be as loyal as a lap dog - provided there is reciprocation. When I say reciprocation I'm not talking about score keeping! I'm talking about trust, communication, consideration and compromise.  I grew up in a similar situation as you CHC, but my take away from watching the bad behavior was how I should behave - the polar opposite of my parents. You say your more likely to stay than go because that was "your" normal - while never having met you, based on your posts I don't believe that! We all have a breaking point and my guess is you wouldn't put up with B.S. and "games" - I hope I'm right, if not my apologies.
     
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    Re: Plasko's observation triggered a thought

    In Response to Re: Plasko's observation triggered a thought:
    [QUOTE]Personally, I firstly think the type of people who post on these boards are not your average type of people. Average people go out and live lives, not lurk in internet chatrooms and forum boards. So from the word "go" we have an abnormal subtype to respond to people's queries. I would imagine that they are typically lonely, have a lot of spare time, and have a feeling of being ignored or powerlessness. Thinking they are helping people by posting "advice" and finally being listened to gives them a lift in their day.  I do not exclude myself from this either (although boredom generally factors in for me too - That said, I would pretty much never post on the "fluff" boards such as the one that is named after every month, for example). However, their advice is generally biased. As I mentioned it is usually biased towards the "cut-and-run". Perhaps that reflects personal experience. We have a high proportion of divorcees and single people posting. Not sure about the proportion of people who are still with their first husband/wife, that never gets discussed. But there seems to be an underlying bitterness paramount in people's responses. It sometimes creeps me out. I do rush in to take the other side a lot of the time to act as a counterbalance to perceived skewed views. No doubt that makes me less-than-popular for not following the cliquey crowd-mentality.  But nevertheless we are dealing with real people, not sop-opera characters.  Our words have consequences.   
    Posted by plasko[/QUOTE]



    Take it all with a grain of salt....Wink

    Plasko, an Indian word that translates to "paints with broad paint strokes!"
     
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    Re: Plasko's observation triggered a thought

    CHC wrote:  It took a LONG time out after my Mom died.  I haven't put much more than a toe in the dating pool in close to a year..

    When you dive into the dating pool make sure it's into the deep end - not the shallows! There is no "dead line" for a person to start dating, you will know when it feels right.

    You experienced TWO huge life changing events, the loss of a parent and a divorce (same here) , take your sweet azz time and do what's best for you!

    Wink
     
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    Re: Plasko's observation triggered a thought

    In Response to Re: Plasko's observation triggered a thought:
    [QUOTE]Personally, I firstly think the type of people who post on these boards are not your average type of people. Average people go out and live lives, not lurk in internet chatrooms and forum boards. So from the word "go" we have an abnormal subtype to respond to people's queries. I would imagine that they are typically lonely, have a lot of spare time, and have a feeling of being ignored or powerlessness. Thinking they are helping people by posting "advice" and finally being listened to gives them a lift in their day.  I do not exclude myself from this either (although boredom generally factors in for me too - That said, I would pretty much never post on the "fluff" boards such as the one that is named after every month, for example). However, their advice is generally biased. As I mentioned it is usually biased towards the "cut-and-run". Perhaps that reflects personal experience. We have a high proportion of divorcees and single people posting. Not sure about the proportion of people who are still with their first husband/wife, that never gets discussed. But there seems to be an underlying bitterness paramount in people's responses. It sometimes creeps me out. I do rush in to take the other side a lot of the time to act as a counterbalance to perceived skewed views. No doubt that makes me less-than-popular for not following the cliquey crowd-mentality.  But nevertheless we are dealing with real people, not soap-opera characters.  Our words have consequences.   
    Posted by plasko[/QUOTE]

    So, what does that say about the people that post asking for advice?

    Myself?  Waited 'til I was a bit older to get married--didn't happen until I was really ready for it to happen.  Still married to her, first and only wife.  I generally try to provide advice based on my own experiences or ones I have been witness to. I try to be respectful, and try to see as much of both sides as possible.  I do not power-trip on doing this at all.  I have been in here the last few days because these last few discussions have been very interesting to me.  Otherwise, I may go weeks without being on here at all.  I've even read threads and posts of people asking for advice, but not had anything to offer, so I don't comment.
    Yes, there are some people that comment that have their own agenda to push. Happens all over on every forum on every topic.
    How do you think people should respond to requests for advice?  Should everyone say "Well, I know I have personal biases, so go see a professional or just figure it out for yourself"? 
    Not being snide, just asking a real question.
     
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    Re: Plasko's observation triggered a thought

    In Response to Re: Plasko's observation triggered a thought:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Plasko's observation triggered a thought : Plasko, I think you make really interesting points, however, at times you jump to conclusions.  When you couple that with a very direct writing style, it can sometimes seem confrontational. I like to help people.  Sometimes in person, sometimes via a chat room.  It feels good. That doesn't mean, however, that I (or anyone else) for that matter is isolated from the real world.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    Thank-you.
    But you are correct. I do like to be confrontational and to the point, but hopefully in a polite manner (but not always, I fully admit). I'd rather make people question themselves than others. Self-exploration is great fun. And deep+meaningful discussions are something I lack outside of the internet, currently. (Perhaps we should set up a "philosophy" Forum on BDC?). 
    As for the jumping-to-conclusions part, well I am no different than every other poster who makes their own conclusions based upon their own biases (including yourself, you said "it feels good" to help so you are getting some sort of "kick" out of it, like everyone else), and interprets the presented evidence in their own way. But its the self-exploration that should make us aware of these biases that we can then compensate for. 
    If people are previously hurt in a very bad relationship, perhaps they will always remember that pain, and try to steer others from repeating their own mistakes? Its coming from a good place inside of them, to try and save others heartache. Sadly, this means that a lot of times its a knee-jerk reaction to cajole posters to push that "Relationship Destruct" button at the first sign of trouble, like we are some sort of relationship jury.  
    However, we cant walk in the shoes of others, and every situation is different. All I am saying is that we consider the consequences first before telling someone to make a life-changing decision. People are not objects to be discarded on a whim.

     
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    Re: Plasko's observation triggered a thought

    God knows my writing style can rankle others at times.
    ----

    Only when you talk about corporate training meetings.
     
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    Re: Plasko's observation triggered a thought

    In Response to Re: Plasko's observation triggered a thought:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Plasko's observation triggered a thought : Thank-you. But you are correct. I do like to be confrontational and to the point, but hopefully in a polite manner (but not always, I fully admit). I'd rather make people question themselves than others. Self-exploration is great fun. And deep+meaningful discussions are something I lack outside of the internet, currently. (Perhaps we should set up a "philosophy" Forum on BDC?).  As for the jumping-to-conclusions part, well I am no different than every other poster who makes their own conclusions based upon their own biases (including yourself, you said "it feels good" to help so you are getting some sort of "kick" out of it, like everyone else), and interprets the presented evidence in their own way. But its the self-exploration that should make us aware of these biases that we can then compensate for.  If people are previously hurt in a very bad relationship, perhaps they will always remember that pain, and try to steer others from repeating their own mistakes? Its coming from a good place inside of them, to try and save others heartache. Sadly, this means that a lot of times its a knee-jerk reaction to cajole posters to push that "Relationship Destruct" button at the first sign of trouble, like we are some sort of relationship jury.   However, we cant walk in the shoes of others, and every situation is different. All I am saying is that we consider the consequences first before telling someone to make a life-changing decision. People are not objects to be discarded on a whim.
    Posted by plasko[/QUOTE]

    If one is as "emotionally plyable" as you suggest based on advice columns, they have far greater issues than what to do with the advice offered via on line posts.

    We all have "filters" that disseminate the information provided to us. I see the bias in Fox News, NBC and ABC - do I buy into it? No, I take the bits of info and subtract the "bias".

    Ever been on a job interview? When you convey your successes from previous employment and boast on your resume about what you did, the potential employer perceives past experience to be indicative of future performance.  Same with a pro athlete right? based on last years stats this years stats "should" be xxx. Or the athlete is worth $x based on performance.

    So, if a poster says "he/she cheated on me! What should I do?" I can see the knee jerk reaction and telling them to push the "button!" but, I wouldn't think that every response comes from someone who's been cheated on. I think the on line posters come from all sorts of socio-economic backgrounds and life experiences, cultures, morals, values and religious backgrounds and I'm certain those characteristics play a role in their posts too.

    BTW: I've enjoyed some of your posts in response to my questions here! It was like a smack upside my head that forced me to "think" in a way I wasn't accustomed to! And for that I Thank you!

    Wink
     
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    Re: Plasko's observation triggered a thought

    I think RT is getting a little OCD with the thank yous.
     
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    Re: Plasko's observation triggered a thought

    In Response to Re: Plasko's observation triggered a thought:
    [QUOTE]I think RT is getting a little OCD with the thank yous.
    Posted by reindeergirl[/QUOTE]


    ....put down the mushrooms!
     
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