Second Time Around - Did I Make a Mistake

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from RosePedals. Show RosePedals's posts

    Second Time Around - Did I Make a Mistake

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  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Second Time Around - Did I Make a Mistake

    You're placing too much emphasis on your new husband's income, or lack thereof.

    He's not the father of your children (child). He owes you nothing except to do what he can to contribute to the household. That could be money, that could be "install[ing] new windows." Do you have any idea what it would cost to have someone do that, even without the materials?

    Your child's tuition has nothing to do with your new husband. Did he help raise your child? Does you child consider him "Dad"? If not, than the tuition is on you and your child's father.

    "My present husband offered last year to reside my house ... ." I don't understand this. Why *wouldn't* your husband live with you?

    The way I see it, whoever makes the most money takes care of the bills. The other person contributes in other ways. My ex fixed things in my parents' house, and saved them thousands of dollars by doing so. One BF painted their Victorian, and only asked for money for primer and painted (he was a pro painter; he took time out from his own business to take care of Mum's house). It would have cost Mum $5,000+ for labor alone. I was working FT, but didn't mind a bit that he made less money than I did.

    "Once I found out that he had nothing put away for his retirement, no savings, ... ."

    Oh bother! We're in a recession. Did you marry a man or his savings account?

    " I'm stressed and a little overworked."

    Quit the second job; more thoroughly explore financial aid for your child; find work you can do at home. You write well - why not try free-lancing?

    Your husband is recovering from surgery - have a heart. Plenty of families get by on one person's income - my Mum didn't return to work until I was 14, and my parents stil put two children through college and one through medical school. Be creative about scholarship options. So many are out there, you can practically get one based on the style of your hair. (Well, not really, but there are lots of local possibilities.)

    Why didn't the two of you talk about money *before* you married?

    I'd say $700 for bills is pretty darned good on his part. That's 1/3 of your major expenses.
     
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  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Second Time Around - Did I Make a Mistake

    "That was re-side, as in installing new siding."

    Thanks, Slim. That makes a lot more sense than my reading.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from dunworkin. Show dunworkin's posts

    Re: Second Time Around - Did I Make a Mistake

    Well the way it is suppose to work is once you are married, unless there were provisions made prior to the marriage; mine and his are now OURS. It is a shared responsibility and both partners should share in the day to day issues that come up. Sounds like he is a bit immature and does not seem to understand the pressure you are under. If you have not sat down and had a heart to heart with him maybe you should. If you are not comfortable with this, then you need to reach out to someone who can help you both work through the problems. Speaking from experience, do not let this sit around - no pun intended. Take care of these issues early on and you both will have a chance to grow in your relationship. Build on communication, trust and love and your chances for success are high. Ignore these things and failure is only a matter of time. Marriage is for better or worse. Good luck.

     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from calmdown. Show calmdown's posts

    Re: Second Time Around - Did I Make a Mistake

    Aries had me do more than siding.  
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Second Time Around - Did I Make a Mistake

    These were things that absoultely should have been covered 100% in PRE-marital counseling.  If you didn't know that about him, what does he not know about you and what else do you not know about him?  Is your marriage based simply on attraction and the rest was considered irrelevant? 

    You got married before you knew each other well enough.  But, since that horse has left the barn the best you can do is essentially take pre-marital counseling now.  I'm not talking about "check the box off the get married list," I'm talking about the REAL THING, the tough questions.  Yes, it's "too late" in one sense, but pre-marital counseling is focused on getting to know each other in ways that dating might not automatically expose in every area of your lives to assess compability with finances, religion/faith, sex/affection, how your past marriage experiences/baggage impact your emotional lives today, etc. 

    Can it be saved?  Sure.  BUT, it will take hard work and getting to know each other in a real, unvarnished, nothing hidden, GROWN UP way.

     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Second Time Around - Did I Make a Mistake

    "Now to my present problem - my husband had knee replacement surgery.  Therefore, no income on his part."

    So you're more concerned about his income, than about his healing. Do you have any idea about the painfulfulness of  knee surgery and recovery?

    Be a wife, not a gold-digger.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from Amethyst2. Show Amethyst2's posts

    Re: Second Time Around - Did I Make a Mistake

    Really curious post -- so much about the finances, not a whole lot about actual friendship, love...how they met...I don't know whether the OP just assumed that was there, since there was a marriage.  Maybe.  Just curious...Not sure what to make of that...
     

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