Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from NoUdon. Show NoUdon's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    If you're not comfortable with the thought of him sleeping with other people, you need to stop sleeping with him.  If he doesn't like the idea of you dating others but he continues to date others, then this might be cause for concern.  In the future, I would recommend having the "talk" before you take your clothes off.  He has no reason to keep seeing you just because you have slept with him.  Do you know if he is looking for a relationship or if he just wants to date around?  Let this be a lesson learned.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from SlimPickensII. Show SlimPickensII's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    I'd say it's already too late for you.  You blew it by sleeping with the guy way too soon.   You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.  You can have this casual sex relationship until one of you gets bored or frustrated with it,  or you can end it now.  I don't see how you go from where you are now, to a committed LTR with this guy. 

    You left out a bit of information, in particular where you came from.  Sounds like you're fresh out of a previous failed relationship.   Some of what you're saying doesn't sound like it's coming from a 40-something.   Yes it's all so great.  It's always easy and great the first few weeks.  And yet the cracks are already appearing.  I'm with NoU,  you talk about what you're doing BEFORE you take the clothes off, so you're sure you're both on the same page.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from Iamsosmart. Show Iamsosmart's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    Thanks for the advice. Just to clarify a few things. No, I am not just out of a failed relationship. My last relationship was 2 years ago, purposely took some time off from dating. His was 1 year ago. I agree that we moved too quickly but things happen and we can't go back. As it is, he does want to see me, and not just for sex. He calls me every day and puts quite a bit of effort into what we do on our dates. He does want a LTR eventually and I know he has not ruled that out with me as he has told me. My question was more along the lines of, on our next date, which is tomorrow. Would it be a bad move tosay that I prefer not to sleep with him unless he gets to the point in the relationship where he thinks he wants to be with only me?
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from yogafriend. Show yogafriend's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

      Yes, address your concern regarding sleeping with him the next time you see him.  Tell him the truth.  Your standards are such that you need exclusivity to sleep with someone, and that up until now, you could handle it, and now you feel you need to enforce that standard.  Maybe you did sleep with him too soon, but what's done is done.  If he calls you on it, that's just too bad; you made a mistake and you need to correct it. 

    If he cannot accomodate you, you'll have your answer.  It sounds like, despite how much effort he is putting in, he is still playing the field and is not planning to get into a committed relationship any time soon. 

    Stand up for yourself.  If he can't give up online flirting for you at this point, the trust issue is only going to get more and more complicated, and no matter what he says, you may find yourself doubting his sincerity. 


     
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    It's too late; you were "fast and furious," already.  You've wrecked this relationship.    You think if you stop having sex now that he'll stay with you?  And, if so, that you WON'T feel betrayed WHEN he sleeps with someone else?  You can't undo this with this man.

    Go forward and be more careful giving it away.  It might be a "religious rule" to wait for marriage, but there's a REASON for it, which you've discovered in a personal way.  Outside of an ultra committed relationship sex leads to a broken heart because without commitment there can be no betrayal - it's called moving on to the next person whenever you want.  This only FEELS like betrayal, but that's because of the fantasy you have of the commitment you imagine has been betrayed.  Dating isn't a forever commitment so casual sex will always eventually cause the fear and hurt you feel now.

    How did you get to your 40s and not know this?  Is this for real?  I almost feel silly telling you.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from SlimPickensII. Show SlimPickensII's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    In Response to Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?:
    [QUOTE]My question was more along the lines of, on our next date, which is tomorrow. Would it be a bad move tosay that I prefer not to sleep with him unless he gets to the point in the relationship where he thinks he wants to be with only me?
    Posted by Iamsosmart[/QUOTE]

    How many times have you slept with him?   If it's been every date since you started then I can't imagine he's going to take that very well. 

    To get to the place you want to go I think you need to resign yourself to the strong possibilitythat he's going to date and possibly sleep with several others before he figures out what he wants.  And that might not be the same place you want it to be.  He rushed back in, and you did blow it by not figuring this out before you hopped in the sack.

    So.  How are you going to feel if you continue sleeping with him, then discover he's started sleeping with someone else?  Not too great I imagine.  Worse than if you shut him off and lost him?   You're the only one who can answer that.   This guy couldn't do it,  I couldn't even date more than one at a time w/o sex muddying the waters.  I'd tell him he's shut off and take my chances if I were you.  If he's okay with that and comes around later, great!   If he's not okay with it then you really haven't invested too much into this yet.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    You can tell him how you feel and see how it goes.  Maybe he feels he slept with you too early too and will be relieved to have you be the one to say it.  It's possible.  But, unlikely.  Be prepared for this to be the end of the relationship.  Learn from it and do better next time.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from ariesgirl. Show ariesgirl's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    I think you all should lighten up with the original poster about what has happened.  I mean, everything in the world and relationships is not all neat and tidy and happy and shiny.  Sure, we all have these ideals in our head about what we "are supposed to do" and "not supposed to do" until the timing is right but it doesn't always work out that way.  It is not so easy in the world of dating and while agreed, you do what you can to protect yourself and your heart and your feelings, sometimes people do rush in.  Sometimes people get lonely and have needs and when you have a strong mutual attraction and somebody makes you feel good, sometimes you just want to go with it and hope that it will all work out.  There are no guaranties anyway, even if you take things slowly and carefully and methodically.  You always have to entertain the idea that you could get hurt regardless of how you go about entering into a relationship.

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    Having sex on the second date was a recipe for disaster that maybe an 18 year old isn't aware of, but 40s?  I DO feel bad for her, but at the same time, gosh, how long do you have to live before you know these things and avoid them?
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    if he's not ready for an exclusive relationship and you are, then you need to walk away.

    if you were both in the same boat and wanted to share something casual and see where it goes, it might be a different story. but it doesn't sound like that's the case. If you want different things now I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that to change.

    plus I find his remaks that he wants to see other people but it would make him uncomfortable if you saw other people is just carppy. he's clearly a mess.

    don't feel bad for sleeping with him. I doubt that had any impact on his willingness to see other people. But if you were thinking that sleeping with him would be an unspoken gesture of exclusivity, you've learned your lesson.

    look on the bright side: you had a good romp. appreciate it for what it was, not for what it might have been.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from calmdown. Show calmdown's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    You should sleep with Calmdown and throw that nugget in his face. 
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    lamsosmart,
    You are walking on hot coal, and your feet will be burnt before you know. To me it seems this guy is addicted to on-line flirting.
    Just for the sake of it, let's say you do indeed get into a LTR - what will you do then, if he still cannot keep his fingers off the keyboard?
    He treats you well, call all the time etc., but there are lots more to a relationship than that. Trust is one thing - and you don't have that. Despite his good behavior, you all ready have questions about him.
    I agree with the other posters suggesting, that if you are not ready for a casual relationship (which it looks like you are not) look the other way and find someone else. The sooner the better, before you get too emotional involved.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    And if he wants to sleep with others - don't forget the all-important STD/HIV testing!
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from Iamsosmart. Show Iamsosmart's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    Thanks for everyone posting. Even the people who I don't necessarily agree with. This has been cathartic to get opinions from people who I don't know. As Ariesgirl said, sometimes things just happen and relationships are not all neat and tidy. Yes I know that sleeping with someone on the 2nd date is not the best idea but it happened and I am sure happens quite a bit in the dating world. I am typically a 3rd date kind of girl myself :-), but the hours (probably 50-60) of conversation between the dates gave us both a false impression of comfortability. I think that I had also hoped that guys in their 40s would not be playing the same games as guys in their 20s and 30s but I found out that I am wrong about that. I have decided on a couple of things. First, I put my dating profile back up. I had taken it down but decided that I need to open myself up (any guys looking for a very cute 40something blonde? sorry you won't get any on the 2nd date). Second, I will go out with him again, we have a great time together, but the sleepovers will be stopping until either he decides that he wants to concentrate on just me or I decide that it doesn't matter (not likely).  Personally I think he is a fool to not grab onto me. With the exception of the 2nd date mishap, he is definitely dating up.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from ariesgirl. Show ariesgirl's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    I think you are doing the right thing.  Another important lesson to learn, don't put all your eggs in one basket until you know that it is exclusive on both parts and that it is what you both want.  If you are not getting back a one-on-one relationship from him, why should you not keep dating and looking around until you can find a person more suitable to what your needs are.  Good luck.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from calmdown. Show calmdown's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    hi aries
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from ariesgirl. Show ariesgirl's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    In Response to Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?:
    [QUOTE]hi aries
    Posted by calmdown[/QUOTE]

    how have you been Calm?  Causing trouble as usual?
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from JEnvie. Show JEnvie's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    just for the record, i slept with my husband on the second date and he and i have been married over 20 years

    i think its all about the original poster re-examining her expectations, this is not going to be an exclusive relationship nopr is it the one, if it was he would have stopped posting to other woman

    it doesnt mean it cant be fun, but again, realign expectations
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from calmdown. Show calmdown's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    No, not at all. I have been ok. How are you? Have you done anything this summer?
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    omg,  you guys, is being a "good girl" back in?  Why waste time dating someone for months just to find out he's lousy in bed?  All that time wasted...lol!   

    If you both like each other, why worry about "what if".  Just take it one date at a time.  And ALWAYS use protection!

    (Do keep in mind, though, that boys will say whatever will get them the most sex....)

    I say go for it!  Life is short - have dessert first...
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from Bubs06. Show Bubs06's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    In Response to Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?:
    [QUOTE]I recently met a man on one of the online dating sites, we are both in our mid-40s. Things have been pretty fast and furious. There was a lot of initial chemistry. Because of vacations, business travel and other things, there were 30 days between our first and second dates. We spent those 30 days talking on the phone (sometimes up to 3 times a day) and emailing (up to 10 times a day). We ended up sleeping together on our second date. We are now at date 6, about 7 weeks in. He has a child that he has shared custody of so we can only see each other every other weekend. We still talk on the phone almost daily and email daily as well. He makes alot of efforts with our dates and he has alot of cute nicknames for me. The issue is this, he is still using online dating and not just browsing. I know this as a coworker of mine is also on got a message from him recently. I asked him about it, not in a confrontational way, just that I thought we may have moved a little fast and we never had some important conversations, pretty much the one where you talk about whether you are dating others. He told me he was not ready to be exclusive and that although he was not sleeping with or dating others, he was not going to promise that he would not do that. He said that he would not tell me to date others, he wouldn't like that, but that he couldn't tell me not to. A little bit of double-talk. My question is, should I continue to sleep with him? I enjoy his company and want to continue to date. I am afraid if I say that I want to wait to sleep together until he is sure he wants to date only me, that will come across wrong and scare him away. On the other hand, if I continue to sleep with him and he does decide he wants to be with someone else, I would not feel very good about that. Does anyone have any experience with this?
    Posted by Iamsosmart[/QUOTE]

    He said that he would not tell me to date others, he wouldn't like that, but that he couldn't tell me not to. A little bit of double-talk

    That is not double talk. Back on the farm we call that horse manure. Nothing like keeping the hoof in the door while we sample the the rest of the barn. Playing the "shucks I like you but..." card is disingenuous. 

    Enjoy the moment but know this could be what you want or not. And if the latter, you move on. No need to worry about scaring him away as it is not a desirable trait. Make him chase you.

    Most of us love that.



     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from calmdown. Show calmdown's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    Jen, were you also sleeping with others as well ? 

     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from ariesgirl. Show ariesgirl's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    In Response to Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?:
    [QUOTE]No, not at all. I have been ok. How are you? Have you done anything this summer?
    Posted by calmdown[/QUOTE]

    You mean besides going on a date with a sex offender and a cross dresser?  Nah, not much.  Everything else pales in comparison. 
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    In Response to Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?:
    [QUOTE]omg,  you guys, is being a "good girl" back in?  Why waste time dating someone for months just to find out he's lousy in bed?  All that time wasted...lol!    If you both like each other, why worry about "what if".  Just take it one date at a time.  And ALWAYS use protection! (Do keep in mind, though, that boys will say whatever will get them the most sex....) I say go for it!  Life is short - have dessert first...
    Posted by cosmogirl[/QUOTE]

    I couldn't agree more.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    If she weren't hurt by that decision she never would have posted in the beginning.  Obviously, she's someone who'd prefer exclusivity and got caught up in the moment too early for her comfort zone and now regrets it.  Why suggest she keep going that path if, unlike you, it brings a lot of anxiety into her relationships?
     
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