Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from calmdown. Show calmdown's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    Now we have women advocating to not even wait until the first dinner is over. A guy will lose respect for you if you act like Snooki on date #1.  
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from ariesgirl. Show ariesgirl's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    Well, lets not feel too bad............ Original Poster feels that this man is beneath her and how dare he want to date others when she is a step up for him............ that right there says a lot...........
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    I'm not going to advise anyone who wants to knock boots that they shouldn't because of some silly sexist notion that women aren't allowed to have or indulge their appetites.

    Whether they had slept together or not, he wasn't/isn't ready for an exclusive, serious relationship.

    I think her mistake was assuming that they were exclusive without talking about it first. It would be just as hurtful to hear that he was messaging other women even if they hadn't slept together.

    Sex is a red herring here. As I said before, if they were both looking for something casual there wouldn't be a problem. The problem is that they held different expectations in the relationship and failed to express them. They would have had a problem soon enough even if they had never slept together.

    Alwasy ask on a first date what kind of relationship the person is looking for. If they're not looking for the same thing you are, you might as well just walk away then.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from trublusu. Show trublusu's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    The deed has been done.......you can keep with it for fun and to get to know the guy a bit better and maybe he will choose you ( which I assume is what you want ) Right now he is just playing you while he dates around......which tells me that you are probably not the one.......more of a back up until he finds the "one".

    Men of all ages play games,so do women.

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from lukes58. Show lukes58's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    In Response to Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive? : I couldn't agree more.
    Posted by pinkkittie27[/QUOTE]

    thank goodness -- i was thinking i was the only bad girl around
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from calmdown. Show calmdown's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    Oh no Lukes, I guess its the in thing now (hi by the way). This will be atypical picture of a woman on Match -
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from JEnvie. Show JEnvie's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    In Response to Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?:
    [QUOTE]Jen, were you also sleeping with others as well ? 
    Posted by calmdown[/QUOTE]
    actually no, i gave up promiscuity and embraced monogamy for the first 17 of those years, but thanks for asking!
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from JEnvie. Show JEnvie's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    In Response to Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive? : thank goodness -- i was thinking i was the only bad girl around
    Posted by lukes58[/QUOTE]

    lukes i have something very very funny to send you, send me a good email address to my personal email....
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    In Response to Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive? : thank goodness -- i was thinking i was the only bad girl around
    Posted by lukes58[/QUOTE]

    there's nothing bad about it. :)
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from lukes58. Show lukes58's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    In Response to Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive? : lukes i have something very very funny to send you, send me a good email address to my personal email....
    Posted by JEnvie[/QUOTE]

    i just sent an email to mac email address - that's the only one i could find for you.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from Bubs06. Show Bubs06's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    Lukes! J'Envie! 5th. Aries! et al.

    A Bohemian Rhapsody!
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    You can't possibly have the expectation that you're exclusive with someone on the second date when she slept with him first.  If that WAS important to her, she needed to wait, not discuss with him if they were exclusive.  What kind of question is that on the second date?

    Either you're into casual sex and it's emotionally OK for you to sleep with someone on the first or second date, or it isn't and it isn't.  For this poster, it seems to be the latter.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    In Response to Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?:
    [QUOTE]You can't possibly have the expectation that you're exclusive with someone on the second date when she slept with him first.  If that WAS important to her, she needed to wait, not discuss with him if they were exclusive.  What kind of question is that on the second date? Either you're into casual sex and it's emotionally OK for you to sleep with someone on the first or second date, or it isn't and it isn't.  For this poster, it seems to be the latter.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    Normally, I'd agree with your first statements, but the first and second date had 30 days and many (i'm assuming) intimate phone conversations between them.
    It's not your typical "second date".

    But I agree that you're either okay with casual sex or you're not, and I still think that it's something that should be discussed prior to actually doing it with the other person.
    However, I know sometimes "one thing leads to another" and that conversation never happens, but then these awkward situations occur.
    So it's better off to hash it all out before hitting the sheets. I'd rather a pre-sheets awkward situation to a post-sheets awkward situation.
    All grown adults know that sex can complicate things, so there's no reason to beat around the bush.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    I completely agree.  Either you're OK with casual sex or you're not.  Things DO happen, but if you're in the latter group you recognize you made a mistake, and you have to swallow some pride and have the talk you should have had before "things happened" and either break up or continue with the relationship abstaining from sex until both of you are ready.  The latter is VERY difficult but possible.   (Sorry for that run on sentence in the middle.)
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    YOu can change the terms of your relationship at any time.  If you don't feel comfortable sleeping w/ him b/c you jumped in too soon w/o having the 'exclusivity talk', that is your right. If he wants to leave, that is his right.

    The fact that you had numerous conversations between date 1 and 2 does not make sleeping w/ him on date 2 any wiser or more understandable. I don't care how many deep conversations you had on the phone. You had 2 DATES w/ the guy!  If you were looking for a relationship and not just a really good time, a wise woman does not drop trou on date 2. Period.  You are going to have a hard time getting back into 'relationship material' as opposed to 'good time' material w/ this guy. It's possible, but if he's not willing to drop the online dating thing at this point and see if you 2 work out, it's probably best to cut your losses now. 

    If you want a relationship, IMO, you need to wait several months before you start sleeping w/ the guy.  If you just want casual sex, by all means, go for it. Relationships to not start on the second date. You may  be well on your way there, but I have yet to meet a woman in a happy, committed relationship who says "gee, I wish I had slept w/ him sooner'. 
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from IsabelArcher. Show IsabelArcher's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    I understand your disappointment, completely.  It sounds like you are pretty hung up on him -- and to just stop sleeping with someone you're falling for is far far easier said than done.  Does your sense of self-respect ride on this?  Only you can decide. 

    If you stop sleeping with him,  and even if you calmly and rationally(?) tell him why, he will probably drop you-- sorry to say.  

    You can tell him that you appreciate his honesty ('waffling' if you ask me), but since he isn't interested in you exclusively, you are exercising your prerogative to say "adieu." You don't have to justify this to him, but you have to follow through with your decision.  No empty threats; you are not issuing an     ultimatum--you are issuing a statement of fact.  

    On other hand, if you think you won't follow through (sometimes our hormones trump our better judgment), there's no use trying to fool yourself--or him.  

    Good luck!  


     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    You cannot live your life by anyone else's rules. I don't buy into the old-fashioned "he won't respect you" crock. It takes two to tango and women should not be required to have any less of an appetite or more self-control than men do. If he doesn't respect you, then he's a hypocrite and a creep and you're better off without him. It's not your fault, it's his.

    The reality is that sometimes more casual rlationships can develop into very serious relationships. That's what happened with my husband and I.

    What's important is that you do what makes you comfortable and that you are honest and open about your expectations.

    The whole reason why my husband and I fell in love was because we were always totally honest with each other and didn't play any games. That's what made us respect one another. That's what real respect is made out of, not some silly number of dates before doing the deed or playing the "hard to get" coquette.
    Being honest about who you are and what you want are the only way anyone can truly know you. Anything else is just a form of deceit which creates unrealistic expectations.

    I agree with Kar that what you need to do is be open and honest with your guy. Tell him what you want from the relationship and why, and if that means no longer having sex, then tell him that too. If he wants different things, he wants different things. Don't blame yourself for that. Nothing you did made him want the things he does. He already wanted those things before he even met you.

     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from ariesgirl. Show ariesgirl's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    In Response to Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?:
    [QUOTE]Lukes! J'Envie! 5th. Aries! et al. A Bohemian Rhapsody!
    Posted by Bubs06[/QUOTE]

    Bubs, you are back.  So good to see you again!  Charlie and the Angels are now reunited again!  Thank God for the male "voice of reason"!
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    In Response to Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?:
    [QUOTE]You cannot live your life by anyone else's rules. I don't buy into the old-fashioned "he won't respect you" crock. It takes two to tango and women should not be required to have any less of an appetite or more self-control than men do. If he doesn't respect you, then he's a hypocrite and a creep and you're better off without him. It's not your fault, it's his. The reality is that sometimes more casual rlationships can develop into very serious relationships. That's what happened with my husband and I. What's important is that you do what makes you comfortable and that you are honest and open about your expectations. The whole reason why my husband and I fell in love was because we were always totally honest with each other and didn't play any games. That's what made us respect one another. That's what real respect is made out of, not some silly number of dates before doing the deed or playing the "hard to get" coquette. Being honest about who you are and what you want are the only way anyone can truly know you. Anything else is just a form of deceit which creates unrealistic expectations. I agree with Kar that what you need to do is be open and honest with your guy. Tell him what you want from the relationship and why, and if that means no longer having sex, then tell him that too. If he wants different things, he wants different things. Don't blame yourself for that. Nothing you did made him want the things he does. He already wanted those things before he even met you.
    Posted by pinkkittie27[/QUOTE]

    Who said anything about standards just applying to women or 'playing the coquette'? 

    I would dump or not continue dating any guy who even considered having sex on the second date.  It's about having standards for yourself.  I don't play hard to get; I am hard to get. And I expect the guy to be too.

    I did online dating for several years. I met my DH that way.  Yeah, there were a few first and second dates that involved a lot of making out.  So I get it.  But I came to my senses pretty quickly and nipped those kinds of relationships/dates in the bud.  Online dating can create a lot of false intimacy at the get go b/c you see their profile, exchange emails and phone calls and feel like you 'know them' better than you would some guy you met a Starbucks and are on a first date with. But you don't.  Once I realized that, first dates were lucky to get a kiss on the cheek; second dates a quick kiss on the mouth.  So, I don't get the hopping into bed w/ someone on the second date. I'm glad it worked for you, Pink, but I don't know of anyone else IRL in my circle of friends that it has worked for. 

    OP: If you want to give it away, go right ahead. But if you want to cool it off, that's your prerogative. 

     
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    Sex has an emotional impact on everyone, and the risk (not certainty, mind you) of this impact being good is directly proportional to the commitment level in the relationship.  This is not due to old fashioned ideas, but due to the fact that the chance of being used just for sex decreases as the relationship matures.  Nobody likes feeling used whether they are old fashioned, religious, or otherwise.  It takes more than a few conversations for a relationship and the trust therein to mature.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    In Response to Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?:
    [QUOTE]Sex has an emotional impact on everyone, and the risk (not certainty, mind you) of this impact being good is directly proportional to the commitment level in the relationship.  This is not due to old fashioned ideas, but due to the fact that the chance of being used just for sex decreases as the relationship matures.  Nobody likes feeling used whether they are old fashioned, religious, or otherwise.  It takes more than a few conversations for a relationship and the trust therein to mature.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    Right, but you can't be used if you're also using. That's the point. What's right for one person isn't right for everyone else, and we all have our own attachments and hang-ups when it comes to sex. That's why it's so important to be honest and open about it.
    That's why being completely frank and honest is really the way to go. So if he wants something casual and nothing more, he should say so and not lead you on otherwise. If you want something casual and nothing more, you should say so and not lead him on otherwise. Or if you want something serious, say so. Or he wants something serious, he should say so.
    That way everyone knows what they're getting into and no one feels used.

    You do what you want when you want to and when you're ready. You don't listen to what anyone else has to say about it.
    Whether it be 2 dates, 20 dates or 200 dates. It's your choice, and if the person you're dating doesn't agree, dump them.

    Alf- while you may not know anyone else who shares my experience, I do. It's not a supernatural occurrence, especially for my generation. So many couples I know met in college and got together thinking it would be a fling, but it turned into something more. Love can surprise you that way. It finds you when you're least expecting it and not even looking for it.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from SlimPickensII. Show SlimPickensII's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    In Response to Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the advice. .. My question was more along the lines of, on our next date, which is tomorrow...
    Posted by Iamsosmart[/QUOTE]

    Okay, so what happened on Tuesday?  Inquiring minds want to know!  Laughing
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from IsabelArcher. Show IsabelArcher's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    I personally know couples aged 50-60+ who  met, bed, and wed in a twinkling and lived very happily for it. No time to waste, they said. 

    I know younger couples who dove in quickly and never looked back.

    There is no one right formula for everyone. That's a beauty of this day and age!  OP got a bit blindsided this time.  It happens. 

     OP, do your best to reconcile your head with your heart. Go with what makes you happiest. 
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

    what a wonderful way to say it, Isabel! :)
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from Justinboot. Show Justinboot's posts

    Re: Should I sleep with him if we are not exclusive?

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